So, apparently this exists…

weenerkleenersoapWords fail me.

Apparently a “vajacial” is a thing now.

You probably expected some sort of cat picture as a punny metaphor, right?

You probably expected some sort of cat picture as a punny metaphor, right?

I’m going to say something that I never thought I’d ever say: I think we may be taking our obsession with vaginas just a tad too far. I say that as someone who has been fairly obsessed with vaginas for a good portion of his life.

There have been news articles over the past few years about how porn has had an impact on the way people view their genitals. In the beginning this consisted mainly of the trimming of pubic hair for a more groomed appearance and that seemed harmless enough, but it wasn’t too long until it progressed to shaving off of the pubic hair completely, which seemed to me a bit more extreme. That, of course, was nothing compared to the rise of the brazilian wax which eliminated the razor in favor of just ripping the hair out by the roots.

Jinkies! That last one makes me cringe just thinking about it.

Anyway, while all of these things are fairly common among both men and women these days, it seems some women are taking things even further in pursuit of an attractive vajayjay:

Now, it seems that vajacials are a thing. As in, facials, but for your vagina.

Apparently, these started off as a relatively simple affair in 2010, with a papaya enzyme mask, deep cleanse and tweezer hair extractions.

They’ve moved on though. Impossibly, beauticians have moved on from convincing women that a papaya-scented nether region is a necessary aspect of good sex, and have introduced a whole new range of vagina-themed beauty products.

Some women, before a big date or perhaps a romantic mini-break, actually book themselves in for a treatment of vaginal steaming.

Seriously? How exactly does that work? Wait, I don’t really want to know. I thought a brazilian sounded painful. I can’t imagine applying hot steam to that region.

Supposedly this is done after a woman’s period has ended to “heal any imbalances”, as the article puts it, that the vagina may be left with. That right there pretty much tells you this is a bunch of nonsense someone made up to get women to spend a lot of money on having someone shoot steam up their hoohas while having goop made out of fruits no one wants to eat rubbed on them. If that’s not a big enough waste of your hard earned cash and you’re really worried that your nether regions aren’t of the proper shape then you can always opt for a vaginoplasty.

I’ve seen my fair share of vaginas over the years, both in person and in various publications, and I can’t think of any that were so unattractive that, if I were not a happily married man, I would turn down the offer of playing with them. Usually any declines of such offers had more to to with the person themselves than their vaginas and that wasn’t much of a problem because usually I was the one being declined rather than the other way around.

I thought we’d reached an apex of weirdness with vajazzling, but it seems there is no strangeness we won’t go for in pursuit of the perfect genitalia. Up next? Vajazercise!

Spam comment of the moment.

SEB gets hit with a lot of spam comments most of which aren’t particularly interesting or amusing, but occasionally on checking the spam filter I come across one that is worth sharing. This one, for example, is a delightful excursion into surreal gibberish:

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This showed up on the thread about the PA mayor resorting to prayer to solve her city’s financial problems. Knowing that doesn’t make it anymore coherent, but I thought I should include that info. I don’t know about you, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out just what the comment is supposed to be saying.

Nothing so yummy as a heaping helping of Textured Vegetable Protein Product!

Anyone who has spent any amount of time barely making ends meet, like me and my wife currently are, knows that sometimes when shopping for food you have no choice but to go with the cheap stuff. Which is how I came to be eating a can of Southgate Beef Stew this evening. That’s a brand I hadn’t even heard of previously and I’m not even sure where we got it from. I normally would be reluctant to even try it, but when you end up with weeks like this one where the bank account is literally at $0 available until Friday you start looking at the stuff that’s been in the cupboard for awhile.

So I grabbed the can opener and dumped the contents into a bowl and slapped it into the microwave which is right about the time I took a close look at the label on the can. This is what I saw:

Pic of Southgate Beef Stew label.

Just like what Grandma used to heat up!

Yeah, that just rolls right off the tongue suggesting a savoriness of a unique and special kind. I always get a little nervous when something on the label sounds as generic as possible or includes the word PRODUCT in it. Just what the fuck is TEXTURED VEGETABLE PROTEIN PRODUCT anyway?

Turns out it’s pretend meat:

TVP is made from a mixture of proteins extracted primarily from soybeans, but also cotton seeds, wheat and oats. It is extruded into various shapes (chunks, flakes, nuggets, grains, and strips) and sizes, exiting the nozzle while still hot and expanding as it does so. The defatted thermoplastic proteins are heated to 150-200°C, which denatures them into a fibrous, insoluble, porous network that can soak up as much as three times its weight in liquids. As the pressurized molten protein mixture exits the extruder, the sudden drop in pressure causes rapid expansion into a puffy solid that is then dried. As much as 50% protein when dry, TVP can be rehydrated at a 2:1 ratio, which drops the percentage of protein to an approximation of ground meat at 16%. High quality TVP can be mixed with ground meat to a ratio of up to 1:3 (rehydrated TVP to meat) without reducing the quality of the final product, sometimes improving it if the meat used is poor. TVP is primarily used as a meat substitute due to its very low cost at less than a third the price of ground beef, and when cooked together will help retain more weight from the meat by absorbing juices normally lost.

It’s commonly used in “Vegan” versions of foods normally made with ground beef. Or, as in this case, in cheap foods to lower the cost. The clinical nature of its name makes it sound somewhat suspect, but it’s actually used in a lot of stuff. You can buy it in bulk and there are lots of sites on the web with recipes for it. All things considered it’s probably the last thing in that stew I should’ve been concerned about.

As for the stew itself, well, it tasted like cheap stew. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t anything that I’d develop cravings for either. It did the job of Food-as-Fuel that I needed it to do this evening ensuring that I’ll survive long enough to see better days with more flavorful foods.

How not to handle your son getting a bad grade in school.

It’s a problem all parents have faced, with the possible exception of my in-laws as their daughter (my wife) was preternaturally good at doing her schoolwork, sooner or later your kid comes home with a bad grade.

Now if you’re a good parent you try to find some way to motivate your kid to do better. If there’s something in their life that seems to be getting in the way of their schoolwork then you might limit access to it or deny it until things improve. What you don’t do is somthing like this:

WARM SRPINGS, Ga. — Police have arrested a Georgia woman who they say forced her son to kill his pet hamster with a hammer as punishment for earning a bad grade.

Meriwether County sheriff Steve Whitlock told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution Thursday night that the 12-year-old boy told his teacher about the killing. The teacher reported it to the Division of Family and Child Services, who contacted police.

The pet’s death allegedly took place at the family’s Warm Springs home.

Whitlock said 38-year-old Lynn Middlebrooks Geter faces one charge each of animal cruelty, child cruelty and battery.

Yeah, you’re probably never going to get a “World’s Greatest Mom” mug with that approach. Mental trauma really isn’t a great motivator to do well in school.