Holy shit! Virgin Mary shows up in bird crap!

Pareidolia comes in all shapes and sizes and mediums including, apparently, bird shit. A gentleman by the name of Salvador Pachuca down in Byran, Texas was about to wash his truck when he spotted the bird shit on the side mirror and thought that it resembled the Virgin Mary.  His immediate reaction as a good Catholic was to declare this bird shit a miracle and invite all his friends and family to come see it.

You’d think they’d laugh at his foolishness for proclaiming bird feces to be a divine miracle, but then you would be grossly underestimating how seriously some people take their shit:

“As soon as I looked at it, it just gave me chills all over my body,” said one woman who came to see the image. “I was like, I just couldn’t believe it.”

“It’s the Virgin of Guadalupe,” explained Cristal Pachuca. “It’s just something special to us and she’s the one who appears when a miracle happens.”

When asked whether he felt protected, Salvador Pachuca answered, “Yes.”

“We just all feel protected,” continued Cristal Pachuca. “It’s a blessing to our family and to everybody that comes to see it.”

The family plans on saving the bird dropping. “I think we’re going to just put it on a shelf outside,” said Cristal Pachuca. “Probably take off the mirror and keep it there because it’s something special to us. I’m not going to wash it off.”

So what does this amazing bit of bird crap look like? Here you go:

Maybe it says something about me, but what I see in that picture is a vagina and not the Virgin Mary. Now I like vaginae as much as the next heterosexual guy, but I’d still wash the damn mirror off and get on with my life regardless of whether I saw a vagina, or the Virgin Mary, or even if I saw the Virgin Mary’s vagina (now THAT’d be a cool pareidolia) because I’m sure the last thing the Virgin Mary would want is me expending money to replace a perfectly good mirror simply because she decided to flash her privates on it.

Though I suppose there may be a market for images of the Virgin Mary’s vagina on eBay…

Jesus and his Mom put in joint appearances in Phoenix.

First the Virgin Mary shows up in a water stain on a sidewalk and then Jesus shows up in some stucco. It’s a Christmas Miracle!!! Crowds got so big at the sidewalk location that police had to show up and tell people to stay out of the damned road so residents could get to their houses.

Do we have some crazy to share? Yes we do:

Virgin Mary, Jesus Christ sightings in Valley

“There – you see it?” was commonly heard from the crowd of people.

The image looks like a water mark – but the sidewalk is dry.

“We touched the image; we thought it was water. You can’t get no stain on your hand, so we know its the Virgin Mary,” says one onlooker.

“You can’t get no stain on your hand” should be a tag line for some amazing cleaning product. It makes me wonder if folks could get no stain on their hands at other Virgin Mary sightings? Is being able to get no stain on your hands a sign that it’s not really the Virgin Mary? Seems to make sense considering the fact that you can’t get no stain on your hands is cited as proof that it was her in this case.

People aren’t surprised to see her – the 12th of December is her birthday.

Of course it is. Except that according to the Catholics—who have a bit of a lock on Virgin Mary worship—it’s not her birthday at all. According to the Catholics the Virgin Mary’s birthday is September 8th circa 20 B.C. and today, December 8th, is supposedly the date she was conceived by some hot Dad of Mary (Saint Joachim) on Mom of Mary (Saint Anna) action.

Did you know that Mary’s conception was also considered Immaculate? According to the Catholic Encyclopedia Mary was born without the stain of original sin, but not exempt from the penalties of having said stain. This was apparently necessary for her to be able to give birth to Jesus Christ because you can’t have a sinful person giving birth to the son of God. Apparently the immaculate nature of Mary’s birth was decided by Pope Pius IX on this day back in 1854 as it was apparently a big controversy occupying everyone’s waking moments back then as opposed to, say, not dieing from the plague.

Anyway, back to the crazies:

“She comes out because she wants everyone to know its her birthday and it’s something she wants us to celebrate. It’s just something that she’s happy for.”

It’s certainly a celebration some Phoenix residents want to remember, as they are taking videos and pictures of her surprise appearance.

“When you take a picture of it with a phone you see her hands. You see her head; you see everything.”

Sounds like someone’s robes might be a little too short. Put some panties on for chrissake!

There was another sighting in the Valley – a Scottsdale family snapped a few images of what they say is Jesus with his arms outstretched.

The Rogers family say these images showed up in the stucco of their home about 6 months after moving in.

And they’ve been there ever since.

No word on if they have hundreds of people with nothing better to do with their time milling around at their house. Probably because you can’t “see everything” in the amazing Jesus stucco like you can with the wondrous Virgin Mary water stain.

The news article has a video clip too if you want to see breathless people ooh and ahing over a sidewalk blemish.

Catholic Archdiocese thinks they have a monopoly on talking with Jesus’ mom.

Apparently the Baltimore Archbishop is afraid of some competition in the speaking for imaginary friends arena:

HAGERSTOWN, Md. (AP)—The Roman Catholic Archbishop of Baltimore has told a Pennsylvania woman to stop disseminating messages that she claims she receives from the Virgin Mary.
 
The warning in a pastoral advisory from Archbishop Edwin O’Brien marks an escalation of the church’s efforts to silence Gianna Sullivan of rural Fairfield, Pa. It warns Sullivan not to talk or write about the alleged apparitions anywhere within the archdiocese, which includes Baltimore City and nine Maryland counties.
 
The archdiocese concluded in 2000 that the alleged visions were not divine and barred Sullivan from delivering them at an Emmitsburg church. The Vatican upheld that decision in 2003.
 
Sullivan now delivers her messages at monthly gatherings at a conference center in Frederick County.

No word on what they plan to do if she keeps it up, but it’ll probably involve sending some priests over to threaten her children. Please, think of the children.

Jesus’ mom shows up in Hospital window.

It seems the Virgin Mary is at it again this time showing up in a hospital window:

Thousands of people have flocked to Mercy Medical Center to see the image since a patient first reported seeing it at about 11 a.m. Tuesday, said Mark Fulco, senior vice president for strategy and marketing at the hospital.

Fulco said that the hospital was planning to replace the window, which was originally put in place in the 1970s when the building was built.

“Obviously, we didn’t change the window out when we heard. … We figure the best thing to do right now is just leave it in place, until it can be fully evaluated and we can get advice” from the diocese of Springfield, he said.

Nobody tampered with the glass or painted anything on the inside or outside, Fulco said. Glass experts have told officials that somehow water got between the two panes of the double-paned glass and the “minerals reacted and caused some type of acidic reaction that appears to have etched the glass,” he said.

“What is unusual is the image that appears to have been etched,” he said. “Many people have said it resembles the Virgin Mary or Our Lady of Guadalupe.” He had no comment on what the image looked like to him.

It’s a faulty window and somehow that’s a miracle? This has to be the worst example of pareidolia I’ve seen in some time. I mean just look at how pathetic this is:


Click to embiggen!

All I can say is that if you see the Virgin Mary in that mess then you’re way more deluded imaginative than I am. For its part the Catholic church is being non-committal:

A spokesman for the diocese said it could take the church years to investigate, but called the faith of local Catholics “inspiring.”

Inspiring? I think the word they’re really looking for is insipid. “Look everyone! A vague and formless blob in a window pane! It MUST be the Virgin Mary! It couldn’t possibly be, say, Jabba the Hut!”

More people blind themselves looking for Jesus’ mom in the Sun.

Is there something about being Catholic that makes people of that particular Christian denomination more stupid gullible than the Protestants? There must be because we keep getting news items like this one:

Indians blinded looking for vision of Mary – UPI.com

KOTTAYAM, India, March 11 (UPI)—Reports in India of a miraculous image of the Virgin Mary in the sky have led about 50 people to blind themselves by staring at the sun.

The visions are said to appear over the former home of a hotel owner in the Kottayam area in southeast India, The Daily Telegraph reported. One hospital in the district reported 48 patients had been admitted with burned retinas since last week, the British newspaper reported.

Churches have warned their congregations that looking at the sun will cause permanent blindness and have told them the supposed miracle is not one.

Before moving out, the hotel owner reportedly had also claimed to have statues of the Virgin Mary that cried honey and bled oils and perfumes.

If you can’t believe a hotel owner’s claims of miraculous honey-crying statues well then who can you believe? I mean there’s no way in hell they’d make ridiculous claims like that for fame or money, right?

Jesus’ mom isn’t even trying any more. Puts up piss poor self-portrait.

Family Sees Virgin Mary On Living Room Wall – Portland News Story – WMTW Portland

Donna Quintana, of Meadow Lake, N.M., said it’s a much-needed blessing that appeared right before her family’s eyes Christmas Eve. Her husband saw it first.

“He noticed an image there. He said, ‘That looks like an image of the Virgin Mary,’” Quintana said.

She said the image appeared during a home construction mishap. Quintana said her husband was putting a special texture on the wall. The spray bottle he was using broke twice, which meant the texture couldn’t be wiped off fast enough. This is how it dried.

“I feel like it’s telling us something, like it’s protecting us,” Quintana said. “It’s like a miracle.”

Her family concurs.

“I think God is trying to tell us something, like a message from heaven,” said Mariah Quintana, Donna Quintana’s granddaughter.

You see that pathetic example of pareidolia up there on the left? That’s what passes for a “Christmas Miracle” these days. It’s like the Virgin Mary isn’t even trying in her art anymore. That could be a picture of my big toe for all that it looks like Jesus’ mom, but these True Believers™ are all excited about it. You’d think they’d won the lottery with the way they’re running around ascribing divine intent to a stain on the wall. You’d think a God capable of anything could come up with something a bit more impressive as a sign to his followers that their luck is about to change.

Jesus and his mom team up for special pancake appearance.

So take a close look at the following picture (you can click it for a bigger version) and tell me what you see…

If you’re this nutcase lady in Florida what you see is Jesus and Mary:

Marilyn Smith was making a pancake a couple of weeks ago.

As she was sprinkling it with chocolate powder, the Port St. Lucie woman noticed two figures in the grill marks.

To her and her daughter, they appeared to be Jesus and Mary.

I can’t see it. Maybe some sort of fat headed mutant rabbit, but not Jesus and Mary, but here’s the thing that kills me about this story. They followed in the footsteps of so many other True Believers™ and slapped that puppy up on eBay and some moron out there paid $338 for a FUCKING PANCAKE.

I seriously need to start paying attention to random patterns so I can get in on some of that money makin’ action.

Jesus’ mom puts in an appearance on a garage door.

Virgin Mary Draws Crowds – DothanFirst.com

Believers say they can see the image of the Virgin Mary on a garage door in Pennsylvania. Word of the Holy Mother’s unexplainable appearance has brought crowds to the city of Minersville to see it. “It’s amazing. It’s really amazing,” said Cecelia Sell who traveled from another county to see the image.

She and her family came to see an image of what they believe is the Blessed Mary, the Mother of God. “I don’t know how to explain it because it just appears before you,” Sell said.

The image appears on a garage door. The image shows up every night around 6:00 and has done so since August 15, the feast of the assumption of mary for Catholics. The reason why is a complete mystery.

Is it just me or are these people way too easily impressed? First we have a Jesus this week that looks like a reject from an old Atari 2600 game on a fence and now we have a Virgin Mary blob on a garage door. What’s even more amazing to me than the credulity of the people gushing over this nonsense is the fact that news crews just lap it up like it’s not just a bunch of delusional people who forgot to take their medication.

If these are the best “miracles” god can come up with, well, let’s just say I’m not all that impressed. You’d think for someone so all-powerful there’d be little need to rely on such vague and amorphous images.

Warning to gullible Catholics: DON’T STARE DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN!

Even if one of your fellow Catholics tells you that you’ll see Jesus’ mom if you do:

Zackey claims she has been experiencing spiritual sightings of Mary, the mother of Jesus, at her home since May 7. She also says that on May 23 the sun began spinning at sunsets, allowing believers to see Mary appear in it.

But, in light of the tragic accident of Amal Nassif, 37, who, at Zackey’s behest, stared directly into the sun and damaged her eyesight, the Church is advising people to be extremely careful and to practise common sense.

Tragic accident? Self-inflicted idiocy is more like it. Sadly the newspaper article doesn’t help spread any of that much needed common sense around:

The phenomenon of a spinning sun is not new – it was seen by thousands, and verified, when the Virgin Mary appeared at Fatima, Portugal, in 1917.

The Catholic church is apparently going to launch an investigation into whether or not the 17 year-olds visions are genuine, probably by having a few nuns try staring into the sun, but the spokesperson refused to give a deadline on the final decision with what has got to be one of the greatest understatements ever made:

The priest warned that the investigation was not bound by a deadline as there was no “scientific formula” to use in performing the probe.

Well no shit, Sherlock.

Additionally the last paragraph is quite amusing in light of the above statement:

The last Catholic investigation, which revolves around sightings of the Blessed Virgin in KwaZulu Natal in 1971, are still going on.

After 36 years the Church hasn’t had the balls to say one way or the other on the issue. Miracles are fragile that way.

Link found via Angry Astronomer.