The sad part is that it would probably have had a better chance at winning than Mitt Romney had.
It’s easy to forget sometimes that it’s only satire:
Though the reality is that Obama is well aware we’re going to vote for him regardless of how much he dicks us around because the alternative is so much worse.
Part 2 of Literally Unbelievable’s Top Ten Facebook Reactions to The Onion in 2011.
In case the first half of the list wasn’t soul crushing enough.
5. “Would the Queen of Paris act like this??”
4. Gained a sun, lost a mind
3. “Of course it’s real, there’s a number!”
2. Paid for by the Commitee to Re-Elect Stupied Obama and his Dump Ideas
This year’s honorable mentions go to the United States Capitol Police and Oklahoma State Representative Sally Kern for protecting the American people from The Onion.
Thanks for reading everyone, and if you like Literally Unbelievable, be sure to take a look at the new sister site, leasthelpful…
Which is why I both love and hate it. Most of the time it’s highly amusing, but then I stop and realize these people can vote. In fairness, The Onion can sound convincingly real and, at times, oddly prescient, but a lot of these news items are so ridiculous that you’d have to have the brains of gravel to take them seriously. Yet many, many, too many people do.
10. Hey, science jerks: just get over it already and pray!
9. It’s not true
8. “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”
7. WHO ARE YOU WHERE AM I
6. “The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.”
Sometimes the folks at The Onion really know how to drive a point home. Take, for example, this news item from Decatur, IL in the year 2083:
The classroom of 15-year-olds at MacArthur High School—all of whom were born in the late 2060s and grew up never questioning the obvious fact that homosexual couples deserve the right to get married—were reportedly “amazed” to learn in their Modern U.S. History: 2081 Edition textbooks that as late as the 2020s, gays and lesbians actually had to fight for the constitutional right to wed.
“Wow, that is nuts,” said student Jeremy Golliver, who claimed he knew gay rights was a struggle “like, a hundred years ago” but didn’t realize it lasted so long. “It’s really embarrassing, when you think about it. Just the fact that people in this century were actually saying things like, ‘No, gays should not be allowed to marry,’ and were getting all up in arms about it, as if homosexuals weren’t full citizens or something. It’s insane.”
“I mean, was everybody just a huge bigot back then or what?” Golliver added.
Think about all the crap from our history that we look back on and are amazed that we, as a nation, ever allowed it to occur. Slavery, forced segregation, Japanese internment camps, etc. and so on. I have no doubts that gays will eventually get the same rights to marriage as everyone else. It’s only a matter of time, but it’d be nice if it were sooner rather than later. As this article points out, it’s already been entirely too long:
“If they thought it was the right thing to do, why didn’t President Clinton or Obama or whoever just say, ‘Hey, discriminating against gay people is wrong, so let’s let them get married’?” said Pete Merriam, 15, who was born in an age with no death penalty and with nationwide approval of a woman’s right to choose. “I get that they wanted to be reelected or whatever, but come on. That is so stupid.”
“And look, our textbooks say civil rights legislation was passed in the 1960s, but then it somehow took another three generations to legalize gay marriage?” added classmate Jennifer Goldberg, laughing. “How does that even make sense? Oh my God, and those civil union things were ridiculous, too. Just let gay people get married already!”
As if this vision of future America weren’t already liberal enough, the closing paragraph cinches it:
After concluding the week’s examination of the history of gay marriage rights, classroom sources in the year 2083 said they would be moving on to the topic of how their grandparents’ generation was too late to do anything about global warming.
Sure, it’s just a bit of parody from some of the finest craftsmen around.
But damned if it doesn’t feel like it’s truer than you’d like it to be.
The Onion on voter reaction to a Sarah Palin presidential run:
I’m sure the late night talk show hosts would be thrilled with such an outcome, but I really hope we’re not that stupid as a country.
Sadly, I know people like this:
Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation’s Idiots
The Onion can always be counted on to get to the core essence of a news story:
No nonsense news reporting. That’s what makes The Onion America’s Finest News Source.
This video clip from the folks at The Onion could be considered mean-spirited, but considering the person they’re mocking, I couldn’t help but laugh myself sick:
I love Sony products, but this had me in tears laughing. Lots of NSFW language so put some headphones on or wait till you get home:
I so gots to get me one of those.