Starbucks is taking no chances this year.

Every year the national coffee chain Starbucks puts out a holiday themed cup and every year, for the past several years at least, it ends up pissing Conservatives off for either being too inclusive or not “Christmasy” enough or some other stupid reason. Now that it’s November they have unveiled this year’s design which will be available in stores starting today and it’s clear they’ve gone the extra mile to keep their new cups as inoffensive as they possibly can. I present to you, this year’s Starbucks Holiday cups:

So, yeah, those are about as pseudo-Christmassy as you can get. Got a couple Christmas sweater looking ones, some holly and berries, and… gift wrap? I guess? Not sure about what the red stripy one is supposed to be. No reindeer, no Santas, nothing to definitively tie it down as Christmas, but also no doodles that might suggest a SECRET GAY AGENDA!

That should be pretty inoffensive, yeah? Well, there is the fact that Starbucks made the mistake of calling them “holiday” cups and not “Jesus’ birthday cups” like any decent patriotic American company would. I kid, but I bet that the word “holiday” will be the thing Conservatives latch onto this year because 1) they’ve done it in the past and B) there’s little else here to complain about. 

That said, the Conservatives are a little late getting started on their annual WAR ON CHRISTMAS bitch-fest this year. Perhaps they’re too busy adoring Trump and got distracted, but I’m sure they’ll get to it sooner or later. It is, after all, a true Christmas tradition for them. 

Too Much Faith Will Make You Crazy: Sodomite Semen edition.

So there’s a Pastor in NYC by the name of David James Manning at a church known as ATLAH (“All The Land Anointed Holy”) Worldwide Church that has a reputation for preaching some pretty hateful attitudes towards homosexuals. In addition to being the head Pastor at the church Manning also makes YouTube videos to spread the Good Word in a series he calls, humbly enough, The Manning Report.

In his most recent report, Manning tells us about how his church was recently visited by “sodomite protesters” who were armed with a “big bucket” of Starbucks coffee and assorted Starbucks paraphernalia. Which gives him the perfect opportunity to inform his dedicated following of why they shouldn’t drink Starbucks coffee. First, he believes that your local Starbucks is “Ground Zero” for Ebola because it’s popular among LGBT people and the doctor who was recently in the hospital in New York because he came down with the disease often frequents Starbucks himself. This was stupid enough in itself to get him and his church mentioned on a number of news sites and blogs, but now he points to an even more insidious concern: Starbucks is spiking their drinks with the semen taken from sodomites!

Seriously, he actually said that. Check it for yourself:

Here even goes on to cite a legitimate news site, The Inquisitr, as his source for this revelation. Turns out they did run an article titled: Were Semen Samples Really Found In Starbucks Drinks Nationwide, Initiating An FDA Investigation? It’s just a shame the good Pastor didn’t actually read the whole article:

Those stories will definitely put Starbucks on a pedestal of respect, but another report may destroy all of that. Apparently, semen was found in Starbucks drinks nationwide, and the U.S. Food and Drug Administration is currently investigating the situation. The article picked up steam when it was shared among numerous social sites, including Facebook and Twitter. This will surely hurt Starbucks’ reputation, right? Fortunately for them, the derogatory article is fake.

It’s clear that Manning didn’t read much, if any, of the article because this important tidbit is at the end of the second fucking paragraph. Doesn’t matter, Manning buys into it completely saying:

And the Inquisitr news… online news service carried this as a major story the week before that what Star… what Starbucks was doing is that they would take and specimens of male, uh, semen and they were putting it in the blends of their, um, their lattes. Now this is the absolute truth. Right there, you can see it right there on the Inquisitr online services, the big article on the investigation into Starbucks using male semen and putting it into the blends of coffees that they sell. I mean can you imagine that, and I believe that they were doing that. 

youreseriousHe goes on to cite the fact that once upon a time Coca-Cola used actual cocaine in their soft drink apparently thinking it proves that companies use potentially horrifying ingredients in their beverages all the time.

He is so keen to believe that Starbucks is spiking their coffees with semen that he doesn’t bother to check on whether or not there is any basis to the story. Something he would’ve discovered easily by reading just two lousy paragraphs of the very news item he cites as proof of it happening. He carries on endlessly about how The Inquisitr is a “reputable online news service” that wrote “three pages on this event.” Which is pretty funny because A) it’s not three pages and B) he didn’t read enough of page one to catch the bit about it being a hoax.

But that’s not important! What is important is his question of “where are they getting all this semen from?” His answer? They’re getting it from sodomites, natch! It just makes sense! Especially if you’ve been dropped on your head repeatedly as a baby.

You really have to watch the whole thing because it just gets crazier from there. Especially when he starts talking about how semen is just like “cord blood” in how it contains “millions and millions of little zygotes in it” which “flavors up” the coffee. Next thing you know he’s going on about killing babies and drinking their blood and the soon-to-happen closing of Starbucks after the FDA completes their investigation.

It would be hilarious if it weren’t for the fact that this nutcase has people who believe every word he utters as though it were, well, the gospel truth. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you’re willing to buy into the idea of an all-powerful being that popped the universe into existence by sheer will alone and spends all his time micromanaging it and the creatures within to win a cosmic popularity contest against another entity he created and could have eliminated at any time, well, you’ll probably believe just about anything.

Fringe Christian group finds Starbucks retro logo offensive.

See that Starbucks logo to the left here? (Click to embiggen) Tell me what’s wrong with it if you can. Personally I can’t find much to be upset about, but that hasn’t stopped one fringe Christian group from throwing a hissy fit over it:

A Christian group based in San Diego found grounds for outrage over the new retro-style logo for Starbucks Coffee.

The Resistance says the new image “has a naked woman on it with her legs spread like a prostitute,” Mark Dice, founder of the group, said in a news release. “Need I say more? It’s extremely poor taste, and the company might as well call themselves Slutbucks.”

The group, which claims more than 3,000 members nationwide and has found a place on the fringe advancing various conspiracy theories, is calling for a national boycott of the coffee-selling giant.

Uh, dude, that’s a two-tailed mermaid and it’s actually toned down a bit from the original logo when the chain launched in 1971. In the original logo you can see her nipples! Oh how did we innocent young kids survive the 70’s with such smut gracing the cups of over-priced specialty coffee? Where were these nutcases in 1971?

What’s interesting to me is this entry over at Dead Programmer’s Cafe from back in June of 2005 that discusses the origin of the Starbucks logo. Which, as it turns out, is not an entirely original graphic but a slightly modified wood graving of a Melusine dating from the 15th or 16th century. That original graphic surely would have traumatized the good folks of “The Resistance” to the point of catatonia given that the tails on it were actual separate and looked much more leg-like.

For its part Starbucks appears to be ignoring these idiots, as they should, and they say that the retro logo will run on cups for a couple more weeks and then become the permanent logo for their Pike Place bags of coffee. I’m not a huge fan of Starbucks coffee, I like it but won’t go out of my way for it, but I do like how the company keeps managing to piss off Republicans and fringe Christian groups and refuses to back down or apologize for doing so.

Atheist quote on Starbucks cup offends Catholic woman.

It must have been a really slow news day Springboro, Ohio cause I can’t think of any other reason why they’d waste time on a story about a Starbucks addicted Catholic woman named Michelle Incanno who’s panties are all in a twist over an atheist quotation on a cup she got with her coffee. So what was the horrible affront to her God that she was unfairly confronted with?

Printed on the cup was: “Why in moments of crisis do we ask God for strength and help? As cognitive beings, why would we ask something that may well be a figment of our imaginations for guidance? Why not search inside ourselves for the power to overcome? After all, we are strong enough to cause most of the catastrophes we need to endure.”

It is attributed to Bill Schell, a Starbucks customer from London, Ontario, and was included on the cup as part of an effort by the company to collect different viewpoints and spur discussion.

Holy shit! He’s advocating for a semblance of personal responsibility over simply praying to a God that may or may not exist! Self reliance is UNAMERICAN!

“As someone who loves God, I was so offended by that. I don’t think there needs to be religious dialogue on it. I just want coffee,” said Incanno, a married mother of three who is Catholic.

Welcome to my world Mrs. Michelle Incanno. It’d be really nice if I could make it through the day without having umpteen million Christian messages shoved in my face whether it’s those stupid billboards that pretend to be messages from God or the various True Believers who show up at my door to ask if I know where I’m going once I die or the various businesses that feel the need to promote Christianity with their services. If I ran off and bitched at a journalist every time I was confronted by something like that they’d have to print a special newspaper just for my complaints.

Rather than spend my time sitting around being offended, though, I just developed a thick enough skin that I can brush it off for the most part and I’d suggest you do the same.

She wasn’t satisfied with a company disclaimer saying the quote is the author’s opinion, not necessarily that of Starbucks. It invites customers to respond at http://www.starbucks.com/wayiseeit.

Starbucks spokeswoman Sanja Gould said the collection of thoughts and opinions is a “way to promote open, respectful conversation among a wide variety of individuals. “

But Incanno said her Starbucks days are over.

“I wouldn’t feel right going back,” she said.

Or you can swear off your favorite coffee shop if you prefer, but I don’t have that luxury considering how prevalent Christian nonsense is in America. I’m sure Starbucks won’t be hurting over the loss of one overly uptight Catholic.