Satan’s typewriter is kinda gross.

masturbationtypewriterSo long as you don’t shoot for a novel you should be OK.

 

Satan’s Reply to Pat Robertson

Here’s a letter to the editor in the Minneapolis Star Tribune from “Satan” in response to Pat Robertson’s comments about Haiti making a deal with the devil:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.

You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS

Good news everyone! SATAN IS DEAD!

And apparently he’s been dead for some time now as this is from 2006. How did I miss this amazing news?!

Seems we didn’t have to go through that pesky apocalypse thing after all. You really have to wonder why Jesus didn’t do this ages ago.

The devil made her do it.

The Associated Press: Woman accused of church theft blames Satan

ARLINGTON, Wash. (AP) — A woman accused of taking more than $73,000 from the Arlington church where she was an administrative assistant blames the devil. Papers filed with a theft charge Wednesday in Snohomish County Superior Court say the 62-year-old Arlington woman told detectives “Satan had a big part in the theft.”

I think it has less to do with Satan and more to do with her own personal greed, but then I tend to think like that.