SEB PSA: Penis vanity can kill you.

I never cease to be amazed at the lengths (pardon the pun) people will go to to have a bigger dick. Especially considering that the vast majority of them carry a lot of risk for very little (and often temporary) gain. Herbal supplements, surgery, weights, you name it and someone has probably tried to use it to make their wang bigger.

All of those things can cost big bucks in the long run and with today’s economy in the dumps some folks are apparently trying to find cheaper alternatives to penile improvement. There’s a growing trend of holding “pumping parties” where too often things end badly:

Justin Street visited Kasia Rivera, 34, at her home in New Jersey for the penis enhancement proceedure on May 5, prosecutors say.

But just a day after attending the so-called ‘pumping-party’ the 22-year-old was dead.

Street suffered a clot to the lungs and died. A medical examiner determined he died of a silicone embolism.

Ms. Rivera is not a licensed medical practitioner and the silicone used most likely was not medical grade. Silicone not in a container (like breast implants) can migrate through tissue causing damage requiring surgery or, as in this case, the bloodstream where it can cause dangerous clots.

Perhaps you’d be better served with a bit of counseling to overcome your self-image problems. After all it’s not the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean that gets the job done.

Maybe this will wipe that grin off “Smilin’ Bob’s” smarmy face.

The verdict is in on the Enzyte fraud case I wrote about awhile back. Owner Steve Warshak has been found guilty:

Steve Warshak, whose conviction was reported Friday by The Cincinnati Enquirer, is founder and president of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, which distributes Enzyte and a number of products alleged to boost energy, manage weight, reduce memory loss and aid restful sleep.

[…] Warshak, 40, could face more than 20 years in prison and his company could have to forfeit tens of millions of dollars.

[…] Prosecutors claimed customers were bilked out of $100 million through a series of deceptive ads, manipulated credit card transactions and the company’s refusal to accept returns or cancel orders. They said unauthorized credit card charges generated thousands of complaints over unordered products.

Warshak’s mother, Harriett Warshak, also was convicted of conspiracy, bank fraud and money laundering.

The government also alleged the defendants obstructed investigations by two federal agencies.

Some former employees, including relatives of Warshak, pleaded guilty to other charges and cooperated with prosecutors. They testified that the company created fictitious doctors to endorse the pills, fabricated a customer-satisfaction survey and made up numbers to back claims about Enzyte’s effectiveness.

Ooo, they got Steve and his mom too! There’s still an appeal process to go through and it’s possible that the case could be overturned, but at least the public now knows that the only thing Enzyte inflates are the claims of its effectiveness. Not that that’ll stop the tons of apparently insecure morons who made these people fabulously wealthy from spending their hard earned cash on other equally as (in)effective products such as “ExtenZe”, but at least this should remove any lingering doubts for guys who have half a brain and the ability to think with it.

Here’s a shocker: Those Enzyte ads are pure bullshit.

I’ve written about Enzyte before after a man had the balls to admit the product didn’t help his undersized manhood become super-sized, something the company was hoping would never happen. I’ve not kept up with what the company has been up to since then, but it turns out that the Feds have gone after them as well. The resulting trial is revealing that the only thing being inflated by the makers of Enzyte are the claims of its effectiveness:

James Teegarden Jr., the former vice president of operations at Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, explained Tuesday in U.S. District Court how he and others at the company made up much of the content that appeared in Enzyte ads.

He said employees of the Forest Park company created fictitious doctors to endorse the pills, fabricated a customer satisfaction survey and made up numbers to back up claims about Enzyte’s effectiveness.

“So all this is a fiction?” Judge S. Arthur Spiegel asked about some of the claims.

“That’s correct, your honor,” Teegarden said.

The Feds are accusing the company founder, Steve Warshak, of a $100 million conspiracy to defraud customers and Teegarden is their star witness. The plan was simple: Make up some bullshit claims, whip up some completely fictional numbers and testimonials, then, once a customer took the bait, keep charging their credit card for as long as possible while make it as difficult as possible to drop out of the automatic shipments.

He said first-time customers were automatically enrolled in a “continuity program” that sent Enzyte to their homes every month and charged their credit cards without authorization.

“Without continuity, the company wouldn’t exist,” Teegarden said. “It was the sole profit of the business.”

If customers complained, he said, employees were instructed to “make it as difficult as possible” for them to get their money back. In some cases, Teegarden said, Warshak required customers to produce a notarized statement from a doctor certifying Enzyte did not work.

“He said it was extremely unlikely someone would get anything notarized saying they had a small penis,” Teegarden said.

Well, we know that at least one man was willing to admit it in court. I wonder if he won that case or not.

It’s interesting to note that while this trial has been ongoing so have the commercials for Enzyte, particularly on channels aimed at young men such as Spike TV and G4 TV. A host of imitators have shown up as well with similar claims and (more than likely) similar actual results. All because some guys are insecure about the size of their dick. On the one hand I’m of the opinion that anyone dumb enough to fall for that kind of sales pitch probably deserves what he gets, but when you add in the fact that the company went to great lengths to keep these suckers paying long after they realized what fools they’d been, then I’m inclined to be a tad more sympathetic.