That Jesus guy is everywhere!

This is a compilation of various news reports on Jesus and/or his mom showing up in random objects:

Couple of things struck me as I watched this. First is the fact that it doesn’t take much for a True Believer™ to declare something as being a miracle. Finding a rock that vaguely resembles Jesus is enough to qualify. Second is how many of these video clips are from news stations in the south. Now that could possibly be due to the person putting it together only having access to clips from the south, but given the higher level of religiosity in the south it’s easy to assume that it’s entirely representative of what they’re focused on down there.

Man sees Virgin Mary in a very phallic lump of ice.

Jesus’ mom has decided to make an appearance in a lump of ice under the hitch of some yokel’s mobile home. As is par for the course when this happens a lot of very credulous people are making a big deal out of it:

“This is unbelievable,” the 24-year-old Gonzalez says. “This is something you see on the news (happening somewhere else).

“It’s a blessing. It could just be a sign from the Father above.”

There was no argument from the people who have come to view Mary.

Gonzalez said about 50 people came by Wednesday night, and more were coming this morning. Some, he knew. Some, he didn’t.

Candles and flowers have been left by those paying respects. Others have hung rosary beads around Mary. Many gently touched her.

“If you touch snow, your hands get wet,” Gonzalez said this morning. “But if you touch this, it’s like dry ice.”

“I can’t explain it,” one man said after spending several minutes pointing a video camera at the roughly foot-high statue.

Carmen Rosa, who also lives in Northgate, had much to say.

She spoke in Spanish as Gonzalez translated, “This is a message from God, to let us know there’s a chance for us to change our lives. …

“It’s a truly great blessing for it to appear here near us.”

As always you can click the pic to embiggen a bit. Looks more like a sex toy to me, but that could just be a personal bias. Not sure how a poorly sculpted image of the Virgin Mary comes across as a message from God to change our lives. Perhaps he’s threatening to turn us all into vaguely human shaped lumps of ice? I guess salt is too expensive these days.

Jesus and his Mom set up shop in man’s lava lamp.

Apparently Heaven must be boring as Jesus has grabbed his mother and moved into the lava lamp of John Smith of Sydney, Australia. Naturally Mr. Smith is billing this as some sort of miracle:

“This is a true, tangible miracle that is not just an optical illusion. It is visible in all directions and permanently frozen in this shape,” he told news.com.au.

“This happened about a year ago and I have kept the lamp hidden since. I now want the world to know of its existence.”

Mr Smith waxes lyrical about the lamp and its effects on the website, which only had 251 visitors yesterday, and says it has helped him with job offers, money and even in finding a partner.

“I had been going through a tough time and was paying for a sign … a divine sign from God that I was not alone and that all would work out fine,” he explains on the website.

“I turned on my brand new lava lamp and watched in awe as the unmistakeable image of the Holy Mary cradling the Baby Jesus appeared.”

The image took his breath away.

“I immediately turned off the lamp and the lava has remained in this position ever since.”

You can click the above image for a slightly bigger one, but I’ll tell you right now my first thought when I saw it was that it looked like a medical picture of someone having a stroke. Probably Mr. Smith, but he swears it’s brought him nothing but blessings from Heaven ever since:

“Only a couple of weeks after Holy Mary appeared to me in the lava lamp every facet of my life began to miraculously transform,” he said.

“I met the most incredible woman, my angel here on earth.”

Mr Smith believes there is no doubt that the lava lamp led him to his soul mate who had been praying for a miracle herself on the other side of Sydney.

“Since then we have gotten engaged, phenomenal job offers have come flooding in, money keeps presenting itself and we are blessed by the warmth and love of angels constantly protecting and guiding us.”

He goes on to report his hemorrhoids are in remission and his teeth are suddenly sparkling white! All thanks to a lump of semi-congealed combo of wax and carbon tetrachloride. I’m sure the folks who make lava lamps will be quite pleased with this development as it presents an awesome marketing opportunity: LAVA LAMPS! NOW WITH 100% MORE JESUS IN THEM!

Jesus and his Mom put in joint appearances in Phoenix.

First the Virgin Mary shows up in a water stain on a sidewalk and then Jesus shows up in some stucco. It’s a Christmas Miracle!!! Crowds got so big at the sidewalk location that police had to show up and tell people to stay out of the damned road so residents could get to their houses.

Do we have some crazy to share? Yes we do:

Virgin Mary, Jesus Christ sightings in Valley

“There – you see it?” was commonly heard from the crowd of people.

The image looks like a water mark – but the sidewalk is dry.

“We touched the image; we thought it was water. You can’t get no stain on your hand, so we know its the Virgin Mary,” says one onlooker.

“You can’t get no stain on your hand” should be a tag line for some amazing cleaning product. It makes me wonder if folks could get no stain on their hands at other Virgin Mary sightings? Is being able to get no stain on your hands a sign that it’s not really the Virgin Mary? Seems to make sense considering the fact that you can’t get no stain on your hands is cited as proof that it was her in this case.

People aren’t surprised to see her – the 12th of December is her birthday.

Of course it is. Except that according to the Catholics—who have a bit of a lock on Virgin Mary worship—it’s not her birthday at all. According to the Catholics the Virgin Mary’s birthday is September 8th circa 20 B.C. and today, December 8th, is supposedly the date she was conceived by some hot Dad of Mary (Saint Joachim) on Mom of Mary (Saint Anna) action.

Did you know that Mary’s conception was also considered Immaculate? According to the Catholic Encyclopedia Mary was born without the stain of original sin, but not exempt from the penalties of having said stain. This was apparently necessary for her to be able to give birth to Jesus Christ because you can’t have a sinful person giving birth to the son of God. Apparently the immaculate nature of Mary’s birth was decided by Pope Pius IX on this day back in 1854 as it was apparently a big controversy occupying everyone’s waking moments back then as opposed to, say, not dieing from the plague.

Anyway, back to the crazies:

“She comes out because she wants everyone to know its her birthday and it’s something she wants us to celebrate. It’s just something that she’s happy for.”

It’s certainly a celebration some Phoenix residents want to remember, as they are taking videos and pictures of her surprise appearance.

“When you take a picture of it with a phone you see her hands. You see her head; you see everything.”

Sounds like someone’s robes might be a little too short. Put some panties on for chrissake!

There was another sighting in the Valley – a Scottsdale family snapped a few images of what they say is Jesus with his arms outstretched.

The Rogers family say these images showed up in the stucco of their home about 6 months after moving in.

And they’ve been there ever since.

No word on if they have hundreds of people with nothing better to do with their time milling around at their house. Probably because you can’t “see everything” in the amazing Jesus stucco like you can with the wondrous Virgin Mary water stain.

The news article has a video clip too if you want to see breathless people ooh and ahing over a sidewalk blemish.

Jesus. He’s what’s for breakfast.

He’s at it again. Ever the attention whore Jesus has decided to show up on a South Florida man’s toast:

Troy Eckonen was eating breakfast at Mack’s Cafe in Pompano Beach last Tuesday when he spotted Jesus’ face on his last piece of French toast.

After studying the toast Eckonen says he and friends also see Christ’s left arm raised and holding a cross, as well as two birds over the left shoulder.

Looks more like Frank Zappa to me.

Jesus’ mom shows up in Hospital window.

It seems the Virgin Mary is at it again this time showing up in a hospital window:

Thousands of people have flocked to Mercy Medical Center to see the image since a patient first reported seeing it at about 11 a.m. Tuesday, said Mark Fulco, senior vice president for strategy and marketing at the hospital.

Fulco said that the hospital was planning to replace the window, which was originally put in place in the 1970s when the building was built.

“Obviously, we didn’t change the window out when we heard. … We figure the best thing to do right now is just leave it in place, until it can be fully evaluated and we can get advice” from the diocese of Springfield, he said.

Nobody tampered with the glass or painted anything on the inside or outside, Fulco said. Glass experts have told officials that somehow water got between the two panes of the double-paned glass and the “minerals reacted and caused some type of acidic reaction that appears to have etched the glass,” he said.

“What is unusual is the image that appears to have been etched,” he said. “Many people have said it resembles the Virgin Mary or Our Lady of Guadalupe.” He had no comment on what the image looked like to him.

It’s a faulty window and somehow that’s a miracle? This has to be the worst example of pareidolia I’ve seen in some time. I mean just look at how pathetic this is:


Click to embiggen!

All I can say is that if you see the Virgin Mary in that mess then you’re way more deluded imaginative than I am. For its part the Catholic church is being non-committal:

A spokesman for the diocese said it could take the church years to investigate, but called the faith of local Catholics “inspiring.”

Inspiring? I think the word they’re really looking for is insipid. “Look everyone! A vague and formless blob in a window pane! It MUST be the Virgin Mary! It couldn’t possibly be, say, Jabba the Hut!”

Piss poor Jesus image in slab of granite gets the TBs all excited.

Jesus’ self-portraits have been going downhill for awhile now, but this is just sad. I mean just look at the pathetic excuse for art he’s trying to pass off:

DALLAS (CBS 11 News) ―  Workers at a marble company in Dallas say they have a slab of natural granite that has the image of Jesus in it.

[…] Those who look at the 6×10 foot slab say they can see the head and arms of Jesus, along with either a belt, sword or glowing book.

The company has pulled the slab from its inventory and put it on display.

[…] The company owners say they feel blessed to have the piece and hope to sell it and donate the proceeds to a struggling church in Madill, Oklahoma.

It looks to me like Jesus is trying for the “Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite” look. One of the worst pareidolias of the year. But at least they’re going to donate the money they get from selling this thing. Too bad it’s going to a church and not something useful like curing cancer.

Worst. Pareidolia. Ever.

So what do you see in the tree to the left here? Maybe Jesus? His virgin mom? Maybe a saint? A big bunny rabbit?

Can’t decide? Don’t feel too bad because these people couldn’t decide either, but whatever it is they’re sure it’s divine and enough to get them into the newspaper. They were half right at least:

Ten, maybe 15, people have seen the light-colored outline at the bottom of the tree, Donna and Frank say. They ask each, What do you see?

“I don’t put it in their head, like, ‘Do you want to see something that looks like Christ?’” Donna says.

One person saw a saint. Others have split between Jesus and the Virgin Mary. The light makes a difference. Donna says it’s most obvious between noon and 2 p.m. when the sunlight hits the tree full on. Other times, the figure shifts a little, but it remains, Donna and Frank say.

They don’t know exactly what to make of it. Donna says she was raised Catholic but doesn’t make it to church that often. Still, a certain balance seems to have fallen on the family since the figure appeared, she says. Family illnesses, the trials of everyday life — dealing with everything seems a little more manageable.

“It just kind of brings us back to our roots,” Donna says.

The transformative power of a stain on a tree is simply amazing. “We don’t know what the hell it is, but we sure do feel reassured by it!”

These people would be uplifted by pigeon droppings if they thought they could see Jesus in them.

How come you never see this sort of news story?

SEB regular Lordklegg sends along a link to a satirical news item about an atheist who sees an image of the big bang in a piece of toast. It’s damned amusing, but my favorite bit has to be this one:

Ever since news of the discovery made national headlines, local hoteliers have been overwhelmed by an influx of atheists from all over the country who have flocked to Huddlesfield to catch a glimpse of the scientific relic. “I have always been an Atheist and to see my life choices validated on a piece of toast is truly astounding” said one guest at the Huddlesfield arms hotel.

Sounds absolutely ludicrous doesn’t it? And yet newspapers around the world are filled with similarly ridiculous stories about True Believers™ finding images of Jesus or the Virgin Mary in various random inanimate objects and ascribing all manner of improbable benefits to the discovery and it seems no one bats an eyelash.

Jesus shows up in a tree log needing a haircut.

The overly credulous are finding Jesus in a tree again. Which I suppose is normal considering that he was once nailed to one:

MyFox Colorado | Jesus Image Found in Tree Log

A Bensalem, Pa., furniture maker says he’s found a holy item and he’s been taking care of it religiously. Craig O’Connor has a block of wood that he chopped from a pine tree. On it, is an image of a Jesus-like figure with its arms outstretched. The tree rings form a kind of halo around the figure’s head.

“I was just covered in goose bumps,” said O’Connor as he reminisced about his find.  He had been helping out a friend, chopping trees in Burlington County nearly a year ago when he came upon the image. O’Connor said it looked like “Jesus ascending to heaven. Take me, thats what it looks like to me. It’s a natural stain, a natural sap stain.”

It’s not the only natural “sap stain” in this story either. Of course, like all of the other saps that find these supposedly divine images, there’s a message here:

By counting the tree rings, O’Connor believes the tree was at least 40-50 years old. As a furniture maker of 25 years, O’Connor has worked with wood and seen plenty of different stains and marks. He says this one is radically different from all the others. O’Connor is a Catholic and believes it’s a sign from God. When asked what the message is, he replied that it’s like Jesus saying, “Believe in me. I’m still here.  Have faith in me.”

Actually what he’s saying is: “HELP ME! I’M STUCK IN A FRIGGIN’ TREE!!”

O’Connor says finding the image has helped his faith. He goes to church about 3-4 times a month and says he’s become a better person, less quick to become angry.

Wow, three to four times a month! Better slow down there, dude! Don’t want to over-exert that newly refreshed faith you just got! Imagine how many times he’d go to church in a month if he found Jesus in a bagel or, better yet, in a water stain on the bathroom wall!