Bored with trees, telephone poles, and tacos, Jesus shows up on Walmart receipt.

Looks more like Mohammad to me. Click to embiggen.

So here we go again with Jesus showing up in a random inanimate object. This time it’s a receipt for Walmart which Jacob Simmons and Gentry Lee Sutherland just happened to notice appeared to have a face on it after being tossed on the floor and walked on.

The following Wednesday, the couple had just come home from a church service when Simmons spotted the receipt on the floor of Sutherland’s apartment. He says the receipt had changed.

“I was leaving the kitchen and I just looked on the floor, and it was like it was looking at me,” Simmons said.

A dark gray mark on the receipt seems to show two eyes, a nose and a mouth in a thickly bearded face.

“Then the more you look at it, the more it looked like Jesus, and it was just shocking, breathtaking,” Simmons said.

via Couple Sees Jesus In Walmart Receipt – Greenville News Story – WYFF Greenville.

You can see a pic of the miracle receipt over there on the right. I see a face, but it doesn’t look all that Jesusy to me, or at least it’s not the traditional Anglo-Saxon depiction most folks flip the fuck out over. Perhaps that means it really is Jesus! If it is, he has one seriously fucked up nose. And that left ear! How far back is that thing located on his head??

But this is no ordinary couple of religious folks blindly accepting what their eyes are showing them. No, they did some research to ensure it was the Real Deal:

Simmons said he called the store to ask what could have made the mark.

“They said the only way you could really get it black was to put heat on it,” Simmons said.

The couple says they did nothing to make the face appear on the receipt.

“We just feel like it’s a blessing that God showed it to us and opened our eyes. And we just feel like we should share the blessing God gave to us to everybody else,” Sutherland said.

Because the clerks at Walmart are experts on pareidolia. Just looking at the picture I’d be willing to bet water was involved combined with a little pressure from someone walking on it.

But assuming it is Jesus, I again have to ask just what the nature of the blessing is supposed to be? What, exactly, does a crude image of Jesus on a Walmart receipt bestow on someone other than an opportunity to be an attention whore? Has it cured them of cancer or caused an amputated limb to regrow? Or is it just a warning that God is closely monitoring their purchasing habits? Perhaps he disapproves of them shopping at Walmart, but they’re misinterpreting what it’s supposed to mean!

Someone should warn them. That God fellow can be tricky at times.

Look! It’s a pole! It’s a plant! IT’S JESUS CHRIST!

He photosynthesized for your sins...

What do you see when you look at the picture on the right? I see a telephone pole being slowly choked to death by Kudzu, a particularly troublesome plant native to Japan and China that has been clogging up the American South since 1876.

But if you’re Kent Hardison then you see the Son of God:

Kent Hardison, who runs Ma’s Hotdog House less than a half mile from the pareidolia, rides by the Christ-resembling post each day. He said when he first saw the kudzu growing he almost sprayed it with herbicide.

“I glanced at it, and it looks like Jesus,” Hardison said. “I thought, ‘You can’t spray Jesus with Roundup.’ ”

via Plant growth on telephone pole resembles Jesus | jesus, pole, kudzu – Kinston Free Press.

Relax, Kent, if it’s really Jesus then he’ll be back in three days anyway.

Seriously, the standard for what counts as a vision of Jesus has really gone down hill if this is enough to get people all excited. If you want to be charitable then you might say it resembles a cross, but even that’s stretching it. Looks more like a dagger with a broken handle if you ask me.

Hardison said he shook off the likeness of Jesus the first time he noticed the utility pole growth.

“I just thought it was my imagination,” he said. “I thought I was crazy the first time I saw it and it resembled Jesus.”

It is just your imagination. It’s a fucking plant on a fucking pole and you are crazy if you thinks it’s anything more than that. Much like this lady:

Michelle Davis, who lives in Sandy Bottom, said she first noticed the pole last Thursday, after her husband told her about it.

She called the kudzu Jesus “ironic,” considering crime levels throughout the county.

“Maybe it’s a sign of the times,” she said while picking up lunch at Ma’s. “There’s been a lot going on in this area.”

Hardison agreed, “Maybe he’s looking out for us.”

Really? He’s looking out for you by arranging an invasive plant in a vaguely cross-like shape on a random telephone pole? What is it supposed to be? A divine attempt at a ghillie suit? “They’ll never see me watching them from up here in these vines!”

Surely Jesus could come up with a more effective way of helping with the crime problem in that area. Or so you’d think if that was really him. I say we soak it in Roundup and see if it comes back to life in three days. It’s the only way to be sure.

Jesus and his Mom team up for appearance on pizza pan.

Josh Mather feels he’s had a miracle occur in his life. He and his brother used to own a sports bar, but they had to close it down due to the bad economy. They ended up storing some of the cooking utensils in a garage and promptly forgot about them until the day before this past Ash Wednesday when Josh saw this:

The Holy water stains made manifest.

“I think it’s amazing, actually,” he said. “I don’t know, it’s spiritual. The way I see it, it’s Jesus on the left, and on the right I would believe it to be Mary.”

[…] “As I opened the two garage doors, this image was right on the left door, looking at me in the face,” he said. “It totally stopped me.”

Then he says his life changed.

“When it truly hit me, it took my breath away,” he said. “It was just – it was amazing.”

via WHDH-TV – Mansfield man: holy image appeared on baking tray.

It seems Josh hadn’t been to church in 20 years, but after seeing how Jesus had ruined one of his unused baking pans he felt it was time to return to the fold before the pair started wrecking stuff in his kitchen:

“Wasn’t really a believer, I saw this, I went on Ash Wednesday and got my ashes,” he said. “It was the first time in 20 years I walked into church on my own.”

Something that he says is a ray of hope, in tough economic times.

“It’s one of those things they say you’re going to get a sign at some point, and all of a sudden it’s there,” he said. “I don’t know how to say it happened, I don’t know if it will ever be explained.”

Holy Christ on a cracker, it’s a water stain. If it’s a sign of anything it’s that your garage roof may have a leak and you might want to do a better job of cleaning your pans. Seriously, if this is all it took to send you running back into your local church then I have a hard time accepting the idea that you weren’t “really a believer.” You were just lazy.

Jesus takes time out from destroying Japan to show up in a tree.

That Jesus fellow is very busy, but never so busy that he can’t appear in some random object:

Pic of tree that supposedly has image of Jesus on it.

The bearded wonder in all his glory.

MCLEAN, Va. — The Norton family says an image of Jesus is engraved in a tree in their front yard, right where a limb once was.

“I noticed the hair and then the beard and then it came together,” said 12-year-old Bella Norton.

“I think that is Jesus,” said Bella’s mom, Lamya Norton.

[…] “It’s a sign that we’re all safe and it’s, everybody is loved in our family,” said Bella.

Norton says she even called her priest.

“Of course, my priest reminded me maybe it’s a reminder you should be coming to church more,” she said.

via Family sees Jesus – in a tree! | wtsp.com.

I dunno. Looks more like a Predator to me. Perhaps they should be less concerned about going to church and more concerned with setting some traps and covering themselves in mud to hide from the impending arrival of alien hunters. There are several very fine documentaries available on how to fight the Predators which they may want to review.

Speaking of seeing things that aren’t really there…

… I’m beginning to suspect that weathermen are doing this sort of thing on purpose:

Screencap of weatherman with huge penis.

Is that a major snowstorm or are you just REALLY happy to see me?

I especially love the fact that whoever snapped this pic of the screen managed to find the one moment where it looks like he’s rubbing it with an apropos expression on his face. Though it does appear he’s been castrated.

Still, when you’ve got one that spans the better part of a state or two I suppose you can’t help but show it off.

Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus team up for appearance on tortilla.

Usually when making public appearances these two tend to go solo, but this time they decided to team up for the ultimate venue: a tortilla!

A Starr County family is wondering if a miracle took place in their kitchen on Tuesday afternoon.

Short answer: No.

Melinda Solis told Action 4 News that she was warming up flour tortillas for her teenage sons after school around 4 p.m. Tuesday.

Solis said she was spreading out the cooked tortillas when her mother noticed something unusual.

One of the tortillas had a large brown spot that resembled the Virgin Mary holding the Baby Jesus.

Don’t believe them? Just look at this side-by-side comparison:

Pic of Virgin Tortilla next to old painting of Jesus and his Mom.

Actually, when you really look at either picture closely, they both seem a little... phallic.

How can you not see that this is the work of an all-powerful God with a message which he feels is best distributed on semi-burnt bread-like food? What other possible explanation could there be?

The La Grulla area woman said they are not sure if they are going to call a priest just yet.

“It’s safe as long as I keep it away from my sons…as long as I keep it away from butter,” Solis said.

For as we all know, the only vulnerability Jesus and his Mom have are to teenage boys armed with butter!

Man considers heart-shaped potato to be a sign from God.

When someone puts forth something silly as proof of the existence of God I usually just roll my eyes and continue on my way. Usually, but not this time.

Pic of heart shaped potato.

It only has "eyes" for you. Get it?

I was shopping one day, and bought a large bag of potatoes, and usually they are oval or round, but this one was perfectly shaped like a heart. I have had a really hard life and sometimes, I feel like I can’t go on anymore, and I have always believed in God, and with all the craziness in the world today, we sometimes need a sign that God is here, even in a small way. This isn’t one of the crazy situations where someone says they saw God in a burned piece of toast, or someone spills paint and says they saw Him in a paint smudge. No, this is a real’ creation of His. It’s not just a warped potato leaning toward the shape of a heart, it’s really a perfectly shaped heart, and there is no other explanation than God sent it. I know people will say it’s just a potato, blah blah blah, but I am a smart person, and I believe in God, and I acknowledge when I see something he created. There’s so much corruption in New Jersey, the list is growing daily here. So it’s nice to see something good for a change, even something so small.via God’s Heart | NJ.com.

I will concede that the potato does resemble the classically romanticized image of a heart. It’s also possible that there is a God of some sort out there someplace who might have thought that sending it to this poor fellow was an appropriate way to alleviate his stress. I seriously doubt it, but it’s possible. That’s not what bothers me about this little bit of ‘evidence.’

What bother’s me is the writers inability to conceive that his finding this peculiarly shaped tuber could be the result of anything other than an act of God. Quoting him again, he makes the following claim:

It’s not just a warped potato leaning toward the shape of a heart, it’s really a perfectly shaped heart, and there is no other explanation than God sent it.

Well, no, it’s not a perfectly shaped heart. It has irregularities and imperfections that are clearly visible just as one would expect if it is the result of natural processes. There are also any number of possibilities for its shape other than God taking time out of his busy schedule to sit down and mold it himself. Where was it grown? Was it constricted in some way that would have forced it to grow in such a shape? Might a farmer have been experimenting with forced morphology in hopes of producing a novelty that would sell even better? (In Japan they grow square watermelons.) Could it be a conjoined pair of potatoes? Could it have been plain old random dumb luck?

All of those potentialities are possible and are more probable than the possibility that it was a small gift from God. The idea that it’s impossible for a vegetable to grow like that through a natural process implies that all of the other vegetables that develop in ways that make them appear to be genitalia are also a sign from God. If this fellow had received a potato shaped like a dick and balls would he have taken that as a gift from God? (God says SCREW YOU!)

And, really, if he’s had as much trouble as he claims to have had why wouldn’t God do something a bit more practical to help this dude out? “Hey guy! I know your life has been rough lately and you’re feeling pretty shit-on as of late, so I used my endless powers of creation to make you this potato crudely shaped like a heart. I know it’s not much, but it’s all I can do at the moment. Hope it makes you feel better.” I suppose it’s better than a plague of boils and locusts, but still you’d think he could manage something a bit more useful.

Alas, this poor fellow’s attempt to share his miracle with the world attracted the attention of a lot of skeptical comments, presumably from atheists, which prompted him to reply with the following:

All of you Atheist’s who left your ignorant negative comments here about the heart, go to Hell where you belong, and leave this gift to us who know God.
You missed the point here. Its a small gift, and you don’t see it, so get lost!

He’s right. If there was a point to it I did indeed miss it. He doesn’t bother to explain the point either so I guess we’ll never know. However from where I’m standing, his little follow-up rant seems to me to be saying: “I want to believe this is a small miracle made just for me and I will not consider any other possibilities because they don’t make me special.”

Well, I suppose that’s one approach you could take. Not the one I would take, but if it helps you to sleep at night…

Is that a giant dick or are you just forecasting the weather?

I’m sure this is totally innocent and not an attempt by someone at the news station involved pulling an on-air prank. I can totally see how no one would see how anyone could possibly construe it to be an image of a giant phallus.

Totally.

And, yes, it’s totally in-dick-ative that I still have the sense of humor of a 13 year old.

Via Internet Today.

Holy shit! Virgin Mary shows up in bird crap!

Pareidolia comes in all shapes and sizes and mediums including, apparently, bird shit. A gentleman by the name of Salvador Pachuca down in Byran, Texas was about to wash his truck when he spotted the bird shit on the side mirror and thought that it resembled the Virgin Mary.  His immediate reaction as a good Catholic was to declare this bird shit a miracle and invite all his friends and family to come see it.

You’d think they’d laugh at his foolishness for proclaiming bird feces to be a divine miracle, but then you would be grossly underestimating how seriously some people take their shit:

“As soon as I looked at it, it just gave me chills all over my body,” said one woman who came to see the image. “I was like, I just couldn’t believe it.”

“It’s the Virgin of Guadalupe,” explained Cristal Pachuca. “It’s just something special to us and she’s the one who appears when a miracle happens.”

When asked whether he felt protected, Salvador Pachuca answered, “Yes.”

“We just all feel protected,” continued Cristal Pachuca. “It’s a blessing to our family and to everybody that comes to see it.”

The family plans on saving the bird dropping. “I think we’re going to just put it on a shelf outside,” said Cristal Pachuca. “Probably take off the mirror and keep it there because it’s something special to us. I’m not going to wash it off.”

So what does this amazing bit of bird crap look like? Here you go:

Maybe it says something about me, but what I see in that picture is a vagina and not the Virgin Mary. Now I like vaginae as much as the next heterosexual guy, but I’d still wash the damn mirror off and get on with my life regardless of whether I saw a vagina, or the Virgin Mary, or even if I saw the Virgin Mary’s vagina (now THAT’d be a cool pareidolia) because I’m sure the last thing the Virgin Mary would want is me expending money to replace a perfectly good mirror simply because she decided to flash her privates on it.

Though I suppose there may be a market for images of the Virgin Mary’s vagina on eBay…

What if homeopathic medicine were the standard at a hospital?

It might look a little bit like this:

I dunno, but I think I’ll stick with the old-fashioned hospitals were they use real medicine.

Found via Bad Astronomy who notes that sometimes simple mockery makes the strongest point.

Update: Apparently That Mitchell and Webb Look is a series that takes on all sorts of topics that appeal to me. The Friendly Atheist found another clip by them takes on something we’ve discussed here many times before:

I think I may need to track down a few full episodes of this series!