Jesus and Mary Magdalene return to Earth as an Australian couple.

Click to embiggen!

If you’re still looking for Jesus Christ then perhaps you should plan a trip to Australia:

“Just a little over 2000 years ago, we arrived on the Earth for the first time,” Miller says on his website. “Because of my personal desire and passion for God, as I grew, I recognized not only that I was the Messiah that was foretold by ancient prophets, but also that I was in a process designed by God that all humans could follow, if they so desired.”

Miller, 47, and Luck, 32, have drawn in between 30 and 40 disciples since moving to the Wilkesdale region of Queensland in 2007, the Courier Mail reports.

“I don’t want to be Jesus. Who wants to be Jesus?” Miller told his followers. “But I love the divine truth.”

Apparently Jesus and Mary have been living as Alan John Miller and Mary Suzanne Luck to avoid all of the autograph hounds that living under their real names would’ve caused.

To say that reading Jesus/Allen’s website is fascinating would be a major understatement. It contains all manner of revelations such as the claim that Mary Magdalene was/is Jesus’ soul mate and that they were married and expecting a daughter at the time of Jesus’ crucifixion. They have returned because it wasn’t long before the Divine Truths™ they had taught their followers back in the day were corrupted by those who would use Jesus’ message to obtain power. It took awhile, but Jesus found a messenger to try and correct these errors:

In the early 20th century, myself and many other Celestial Angels, and spirits on other paths of spiritual progression, managed to convey many of the Truths to a man named James Padgett. We expected that these Truths would grow on earth once Padgett received these Truths, but unfortunately, no-one really fully understood the message that was given. In addition, Mary, myself, and some other spirits by the late 20th century had found a way to return to earth to demonstrate these Truths, along with many more Truths obtained over 2000 years of spiritual progression. So, in the later half of the 20th century, 7 soul pairs, or 14 people, made plans to return to earth and teach the Divine Truth again.

You’d think Jesus wouldn’t have to “find a way” to return to the Earth, what with being God and all. You’d think he could’ve come back at any time he felt like it, but apparently being a God isn’t as easy as you might think.

Yes, I’m poking fun at a clearly deluded couple of Australians and I suppose it’s nice to know that America isn’t the only place with religious nutcases, but there is a bigger point to be made here:

I have as much reason to accept the claims of these two idiots as I do the claims about Jesus made in the Bible. For all I know they really are Jesus and Mary Magdalene returned to Earth to tell us how best to live our lives. They may even have a personal hotline to God for all I know. They’ve managed to attract enough followers to have an impact on the local economy:

Divine reincarnation or not, the holy couple has worked wonders for local real estate. Miller and Luck’s move to Wilkesdale reportedly sparked an “unlikely property boom,” as their followers aggressively purchased much of the surrounding land.

In 2009, followers pooled together $400,000 to purchase roughly one square mile of land, where they currently hold weekly meetings and plan to build an international visitors center.

So apparently there are folks willing to believe them enough to congregate around them. Granted, that’s not saying much when folks like Harold Camping can convince thousands of people the world is going to end, but the point remains. I have just as much reason to believe them as I did Camping or the Bible. They all have equal amounts of evidence backing them up (read: none, beyond some folks willing to vouch for them/it). You can’t prove that they aren’t Jesus/Mary Magdalene.

So why aren’t you believers flocking to him? If it really is Jesus then you’re missing a great opportunity to hear his message first hand. What if he’s right and his message was distorted shortly after his death and what you’ve been reading as the Gospel Truth is corrupted and wrong in many ways? Wouldn’t you want to make sure by asking him directly? What basis do you have to reject his claims?

Jesus takes time out from destroying Japan to show up in a tree.

That Jesus fellow is very busy, but never so busy that he can’t appear in some random object:

Pic of tree that supposedly has image of Jesus on it.

The bearded wonder in all his glory.

MCLEAN, Va. — The Norton family says an image of Jesus is engraved in a tree in their front yard, right where a limb once was.

“I noticed the hair and then the beard and then it came together,” said 12-year-old Bella Norton.

“I think that is Jesus,” said Bella’s mom, Lamya Norton.

[…] “It’s a sign that we’re all safe and it’s, everybody is loved in our family,” said Bella.

Norton says she even called her priest.

“Of course, my priest reminded me maybe it’s a reminder you should be coming to church more,” she said.

via Family sees Jesus – in a tree! | wtsp.com.

I dunno. Looks more like a Predator to me. Perhaps they should be less concerned about going to church and more concerned with setting some traps and covering themselves in mud to hide from the impending arrival of alien hunters. There are several very fine documentaries available on how to fight the Predators which they may want to review.

Jesus Christ booted from jury pool for acting like an asshole.

Man, you just can’t take Jesus anywhere any more. First he bites the living shit out of a dude and has to be shot by police. Then he comes back as a 59-year-old woman and makes an ass of himself when called upon to serve jury duty:
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. (AP) — Court officials say a Birmingham woman who changed her name to Jesus Christ didn’t live up to it when she reported for jury duty this week. The woman, previously named Dorothy Lola Killingworth, was sent to Judge Clyde Jones’s courtroom for a criminal case Monday.

Court officials told The Birmingham News Tuesday that the 59-year-old was excused because she was disruptive and kept asking questions instead of answering them.

OK, so it wasn’t really Jesus Christ. Just some crazy lady who changed her name. I only posted this item because I wanted to be able to quote the following line from the article:

Efforts to reach Christ for comment were unsuccessful.

That always seems to be the case, doesn’t it?

Jesus goes nuts, attacks a man, is shot and killed by police.

Being the messiah can be tough. In fact it can drive you a little crazy:

Police said they were called to the 5800 block of Ridgeway Avenue in the Twinbrook area at about 6:20 p.m. That’s where they found a 38-year-old man with bite wounds and cuts to his arms, and puncture wounds to his chest and thigh.

[…] While the man was treated by medics, his three children were evacuated from the house and Jesus was locked up in a room of the home. The owner was then taken to Suburban Hospital in Bethesda, where he later underwent surgery.

The police then went back into the home and found Jesus had broken through the door of the room and was still acting aggressively.

Perhaps he had had a little too much communion wine. Perhaps he was just tired of the incessant and selfish prayers so many of his followers call upon him with. Perhaps he had just had enough of people doing wrong in his name.

Or perhaps it’s because he had somehow mistakenly come back to Earth as a 120-pound Rottweiler/Pit Bull:

Rockville Police and Neighborhood Services, meanwhile, made several attempts to capture Jesus using a capture pole. After hours of trying to capture him, police entered the home and used a taser gun to stun the dog, which did not phase the animal, according to police.

Police said they shot and killed the dog at approximately 1 a.m.

Sorry Christians, but your only hope of getting off this planet before the Anti-Christ takes over was just killed by the cops because they didn’t realize your savior had come back as a dog.

No wonder Jesus doesn’t do miracles anymore…

… whenever he tries these days everyone complains that it’s not what they had expected:

jesus and zombies

Jesus and his Mom put in joint appearances in Phoenix.

First the Virgin Mary shows up in a water stain on a sidewalk and then Jesus shows up in some stucco. It’s a Christmas Miracle!!! Crowds got so big at the sidewalk location that police had to show up and tell people to stay out of the damned road so residents could get to their houses.

Do we have some crazy to share? Yes we do:

Virgin Mary, Jesus Christ sightings in Valley

“There – you see it?” was commonly heard from the crowd of people.

The image looks like a water mark – but the sidewalk is dry.

“We touched the image; we thought it was water. You can’t get no stain on your hand, so we know its the Virgin Mary,” says one onlooker.

“You can’t get no stain on your hand” should be a tag line for some amazing cleaning product. It makes me wonder if folks could get no stain on their hands at other Virgin Mary sightings? Is being able to get no stain on your hands a sign that it’s not really the Virgin Mary? Seems to make sense considering the fact that you can’t get no stain on your hands is cited as proof that it was her in this case.

People aren’t surprised to see her – the 12th of December is her birthday.

Of course it is. Except that according to the Catholics—who have a bit of a lock on Virgin Mary worship—it’s not her birthday at all. According to the Catholics the Virgin Mary’s birthday is September 8th circa 20 B.C. and today, December 8th, is supposedly the date she was conceived by some hot Dad of Mary (Saint Joachim) on Mom of Mary (Saint Anna) action.

Did you know that Mary’s conception was also considered Immaculate? According to the Catholic Encyclopedia Mary was born without the stain of original sin, but not exempt from the penalties of having said stain. This was apparently necessary for her to be able to give birth to Jesus Christ because you can’t have a sinful person giving birth to the son of God. Apparently the immaculate nature of Mary’s birth was decided by Pope Pius IX on this day back in 1854 as it was apparently a big controversy occupying everyone’s waking moments back then as opposed to, say, not dieing from the plague.

Anyway, back to the crazies:

“She comes out because she wants everyone to know its her birthday and it’s something she wants us to celebrate. It’s just something that she’s happy for.”

It’s certainly a celebration some Phoenix residents want to remember, as they are taking videos and pictures of her surprise appearance.

“When you take a picture of it with a phone you see her hands. You see her head; you see everything.”

Sounds like someone’s robes might be a little too short. Put some panties on for chrissake!

There was another sighting in the Valley – a Scottsdale family snapped a few images of what they say is Jesus with his arms outstretched.

The Rogers family say these images showed up in the stucco of their home about 6 months after moving in.

And they’ve been there ever since.

No word on if they have hundreds of people with nothing better to do with their time milling around at their house. Probably because you can’t “see everything” in the amazing Jesus stucco like you can with the wondrous Virgin Mary water stain.

The news article has a video clip too if you want to see breathless people ooh and ahing over a sidewalk blemish.

Jesus ruins Christmas in “The Night Jesus met Santa Claus.”

For good old schlock and cheeze you can’t do much better than when some Christians decide it’s time to try and subvert some aspect of pop culture. The following video is a couple of years old (it was uploaded to YouTube in 2006), but its awfulness is not diminished by time. It tells the story of the night that Jesus bumps into Santa Claus in some random person’s house and proceeds to convert the jolly old elf into a Christian who then promises to stop delivering toys to all the good girls and boys and deliver Bibles instead. Yeah, I’m sure that would go over well. I thought Jesus wanted kids to like him, not hate him which your average 8-year-old will do because they aren’t going to be able to comprehend eternal salvation well enough to get over the massive disappointment of not getting the latest hot toy from Santa.

Not only is this poorly illustrated, but the music is done in a country-western style complete with southern drawl on the singer so if you’re allergic to that sort of music you should probably avoid watching this. Hell, if you’re allergic to Christian propaganda you might want to avoid watching this. Me, I had to laugh at how horrible it was. It’s particularly amusing when you consider that it’s one fictional character saving the soul of another fictional character:

Found over at God is for Suckers.

Jesus. He’s what’s for breakfast.

He’s at it again. Ever the attention whore Jesus has decided to show up on a South Florida man’s toast:

Troy Eckonen was eating breakfast at Mack’s Cafe in Pompano Beach last Tuesday when he spotted Jesus’ face on his last piece of French toast.

After studying the toast Eckonen says he and friends also see Christ’s left arm raised and holding a cross, as well as two birds over the left shoulder.

Looks more like Frank Zappa to me.

Proving once again that many Christians have a healthy sense of humor…

… my good friend JethricOne, who is a moderate Christian himself, sent me the following email last night:

At [my daughter’s] confirmation class this evening, she drew a picture of an anime Jesus for an assignment.
When she told me, I couldn’t resist thinking about the song “Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life” (and it’s ilk of bad religious music) and was inspired to write the following:

Jesus is the hero of my anime
When reading right to left he’s going to show me the Way
It doesn’t matter if my friends are nasty, or rude
Cuz Jesus is my spike-haired holy ninja dude.

I was standing in a line, when someone pushed on ahead
It really made me mad, and I wished that he were dead.
But then a 2-D image flashed across my mind:
A smiling chibi spirit, that told me to be kind.

…refrain…

I saw a special toy, but I didn’t have the cash.
I thought I might just grab it, and then make a hasty dash.
But then that mighty warrior with his flame haze book of might.
Showed me 10 commandments and made me do what’s right.

…refrain…

I was worried about dying, with a lump inside my throat.
Somewhere’s a shinigami with my name upon a note.
But I thought about my Light, the one who came to me.
And by His side I’ll walk through life and he will set me free.

Having listened to more than my share of Christian pop music, I must say that the above is almost indistinguishable from the real thing. Being a long-time anime fan myself it’s doubly amusing.

John McCain’s attack ad on Jesus.

Imagine for a moment that there’s a third candidate running for President this fall: Jesus. How would a John McCain style attack ad against that legendary figure look? Surprisingly familiar actually…

I lol’ed!

Sent in by SEB reader Craig.