Assuming for a moment that God could vomit

…what would he vomit up? Does God need to eat food? For what reason would God need a gag reflex that could result in his vomiting? Surely he can't get food poisoning. Or is this asshole simply saying that God wants to vomit as a means of expressing how disgusted he is, but can't because he doesn't have a gag reflex or the need to eat? If God is so disgusted by homosexuals why does he keep making them? On top of all of that, how does this asshole know what God wants or is disgusted by? #seb #God #Religion #Assholes

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Santorum Florida Honorary Chair: Gays “Make God Want To Vomit”
The honorary chairman of Rick Santorum’s Florida campaign, Rev. O’Neal Dozier of the Worldwide Christian Center in Pompano Beach, has it in for gays, Mormons and Muslims. Jeb Bush and Charlie Crist already dumped him, but Santorum spoke from his pupit Sunday morning.
After Santorum said his piece at Worldwide Christian Center, Dozier told the Palm Beach Post that Mitt Romney was bound not for the White House, but for hell. “You can look at the June Gallup poll that shows the people have alrea…

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That’s a very good question, Joseph.

God can’t seem to make up his mind who he wants the next President to be.

This doesn't have anything to do with the article, really, I just thought it was funny.

First it was Michelle Bachmann claiming that God gave her a “sense” that she should run for President. Then Rick Perry said that he felt God calling him to run just prior to announcing that he was joining the race. Rick Santorum didn’t say it was a call from God, but his wife did.

And now it’s Herman Cain’s turn to make the same claim: Cain: God Told Me To Run.

WASHINGTON (October 10, 2011)—GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain said Monday he didn’t want to run for president, but God called him to join the race.

The Republican candidate told CBN News that’s why he believes “God’s been in this from the beginning.”

Cain said that when he felt God calling him to run for president, he resisted just as Moses did after being called by God to lead the Hebrews out of Egypt.

Like Moses, Cain says he told God, “You’ve got the wrong person. You can’t be talking about me.”

Interestingly enough, Rick Perry also claimed he didn’t want to run for the Presidency, but felt he had to:

“I’ll be real honest with you, I don’t wake up in the morning – never did and still don’t today – and say, ‘Gee, I want to be president of the United States,’ ” Perry, 61, said by phone last week.

I suppose there’s a chance that there exists a God that might be bored enough to decide he should encourage someone to run for president, but what are we to make of him telling the same thing to four different people? You’ll note that none of them are claiming that God told them they would be president, just that they should try for it. Obviously all four of them can’t win so God’s setting three of them up for failure (assuming one of them does win, otherwise it’s all four of them). That seems a little cruel, don’t you think?

Of course, there is an alternative to the God-is-just-dicking-with-them theory. I believe it was Susan B. Anthony who once said “I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.”

More often than not that seems to be the truth.

 

Too Much Faith Will Make You Crazy: God told me to swim edition.

God makes a lot of questionable demands of his followers. Demands like, “Hey, take your kid up on the mountain and sacrifice him to me!” Or “Hey, strip down to your trunks and swim to Liberty Island!”

The latter order was given to an unnamed 29-year-old man in New York city who ended up having to be rescued by U.S. park police as a result:

“When we got to him he was shivering like a leaf and the tides were taking him away from Liberty Island,” United States Park Police Officer Kurt Zeil, who helped respond to the call, told the Post. “He said God told him to swim to Liberty Island. He said he would rather drown than get on the boat.”

Eventually, the beleaguered swimmer agreed to board the rescue ship. He was taken to Jersey City Medical Center for psychiatric evaluation. His condition is unknown at this time.

via Rescued Man Says God Told Him to Swim to Liberty Island | NBC New York.

Again I have to wonder why anyone would think this man would need a psychiatric evaluation. Did anyone demand that Abraham be given a psychiatric evaluation after he almost sacrificed his kid? Of course not! He was only doing what God had demanded him to do and it’s not his fault that God was only kidding. That God, such a joker.

I seriously doubt the folks that arrested this young man were all atheists. In fact, I’m willing to bet that many of them were Christians. Presumably they accept the story of Abraham as true and this demand is nowhere near as nasty as the one Abraham was given, though it is just as nonsensical. How do they know that God wasn’t testing this man’s devotion like he was Abraham back in the day?  They may have fucked up his chances of going to Heaven by interfering!

Or maybe the guy’s just a nut and his fellow Christians recognize the fact despite what they claim to believe about the Bible.

Gov. Perry asks Texans to pray for rain. God says “fuck you.”

Pic of Jesus flipping the bird.

Don't you understand? Those wildfires are part of my ineffable plan!

If you’ve been paying attention to the news then you’ve probably heard that Texas has been on fire, literally, for over a week now. With some 8,000 wildfires, the state is breaking records it would rather not in terms of yearly wildfires. So naturally Governor Rick Perry sprang into decisive action to deal with this ongoing crisis. What did he do, you ask? Did he rollback the cuts to fire departments that he and the Republican legislators had worked so hard on and then go a step further and supply emergency funding to train more firemen?

Nothing so useful. Instead, he opted to do the least useful thing possible: He asked Texans to pray for rain:

Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R) has declared “the three-day period from Friday, April 22, 2011, to Sunday, April 24, 2011, as Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas.”

And in a proclamation issued today, Perry says “I urge Texans of all faiths and traditions to offer prayers on that day for the healing of our land, the rebuilding of our communities and the restoration of our normal and robust way of life.”

As Perry notes, “Texas is in the midst of an exceptional drought, with some parts of the state receiving no significant rainfall for almost three months, matching rainfall deficit records dating back to the 1930s.”

And, more than 8,000 wildfires “have cost several lives, engulfed more than 1.8 million acres of land and destroyed almost 400 homes.”

Because that strategy worked so well in 2007 for Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue. The only way he could have been less useful is if he’d stuck his thumbs up his ass and sang a hosanna.

God, in his non-existent way, gave a big Fuck You to Texas by dumping so much rain on other parts of the country that the levees in parts of Missouri have failed putting towns at risk of severe flooding. Oh, and as a added treat, he also smashed the living shit out of several states with multiple tornadoes just for the fun of it.

Granted, some parts of Texas did see a little rain fall on Monday which did help ease some of the trouble, but they’re already being warned that this week could see a whole new set of fresh blazes breaking out:

Marq Webb, a public information officer with the Texas Forest Service, told msnbc.com Monday that a “dry line” of weather, with winds of 50 mph and low humidity, was expected to move across the state from the south-west Monday.

He said people living west of a line from the Dallas-Forth Worth area to Del Rio should be prepared to evacuate at short notice.

The fresh outbreak of fires was expected after the weather gave a brief respite.

“We’ve had a few days of relief on many of the large fires we have been working on,” Webb told msnbc.com by phone. “We have been able to make a lot of progress on containment and control on a number of large fires over the last few days.”

“However, a dry line will push in from the west today (Monday) … It’s an extremely critical day. The next three days through Wednesday are going to be critical weather days,” he added.

“We’re gearing up to go back to new fires,” Webb said, adding: “If people are told to evacuate, they don’t need to question that, they just need to evacuate.”

That God is such a kidder! Here, have a little rainfall in answer to your prayers! Wait, I forgot that had to go to Missouri so here, have a new batch of wildfires instead!

With that kind of help, perhaps they should be praying that God doesn’t intervene. Or, better yet, perhaps they should reconsider slashing the funding for firefighters in Texas.

Naaaahhhh, that would require spending money when it’s so much more easy (and profitable) just to pray.

Man considers heart-shaped potato to be a sign from God.

When someone puts forth something silly as proof of the existence of God I usually just roll my eyes and continue on my way. Usually, but not this time.

Pic of heart shaped potato.

It only has "eyes" for you. Get it?

I was shopping one day, and bought a large bag of potatoes, and usually they are oval or round, but this one was perfectly shaped like a heart. I have had a really hard life and sometimes, I feel like I can’t go on anymore, and I have always believed in God, and with all the craziness in the world today, we sometimes need a sign that God is here, even in a small way. This isn’t one of the crazy situations where someone says they saw God in a burned piece of toast, or someone spills paint and says they saw Him in a paint smudge. No, this is a real’ creation of His. It’s not just a warped potato leaning toward the shape of a heart, it’s really a perfectly shaped heart, and there is no other explanation than God sent it. I know people will say it’s just a potato, blah blah blah, but I am a smart person, and I believe in God, and I acknowledge when I see something he created. There’s so much corruption in New Jersey, the list is growing daily here. So it’s nice to see something good for a change, even something so small.via God’s Heart | NJ.com.

I will concede that the potato does resemble the classically romanticized image of a heart. It’s also possible that there is a God of some sort out there someplace who might have thought that sending it to this poor fellow was an appropriate way to alleviate his stress. I seriously doubt it, but it’s possible. That’s not what bothers me about this little bit of ‘evidence.’

What bother’s me is the writers inability to conceive that his finding this peculiarly shaped tuber could be the result of anything other than an act of God. Quoting him again, he makes the following claim:

It’s not just a warped potato leaning toward the shape of a heart, it’s really a perfectly shaped heart, and there is no other explanation than God sent it.

Well, no, it’s not a perfectly shaped heart. It has irregularities and imperfections that are clearly visible just as one would expect if it is the result of natural processes. There are also any number of possibilities for its shape other than God taking time out of his busy schedule to sit down and mold it himself. Where was it grown? Was it constricted in some way that would have forced it to grow in such a shape? Might a farmer have been experimenting with forced morphology in hopes of producing a novelty that would sell even better? (In Japan they grow square watermelons.) Could it be a conjoined pair of potatoes? Could it have been plain old random dumb luck?

All of those potentialities are possible and are more probable than the possibility that it was a small gift from God. The idea that it’s impossible for a vegetable to grow like that through a natural process implies that all of the other vegetables that develop in ways that make them appear to be genitalia are also a sign from God. If this fellow had received a potato shaped like a dick and balls would he have taken that as a gift from God? (God says SCREW YOU!)

And, really, if he’s had as much trouble as he claims to have had why wouldn’t God do something a bit more practical to help this dude out? “Hey guy! I know your life has been rough lately and you’re feeling pretty shit-on as of late, so I used my endless powers of creation to make you this potato crudely shaped like a heart. I know it’s not much, but it’s all I can do at the moment. Hope it makes you feel better.” I suppose it’s better than a plague of boils and locusts, but still you’d think he could manage something a bit more useful.

Alas, this poor fellow’s attempt to share his miracle with the world attracted the attention of a lot of skeptical comments, presumably from atheists, which prompted him to reply with the following:

All of you Atheist’s who left your ignorant negative comments here about the heart, go to Hell where you belong, and leave this gift to us who know God.
You missed the point here. Its a small gift, and you don’t see it, so get lost!

He’s right. If there was a point to it I did indeed miss it. He doesn’t bother to explain the point either so I guess we’ll never know. However from where I’m standing, his little follow-up rant seems to me to be saying: “I want to believe this is a small miracle made just for me and I will not consider any other possibilities because they don’t make me special.”

Well, I suppose that’s one approach you could take. Not the one I would take, but if it helps you to sleep at night…

God was the first Epic Troll.

When you stop to really think about it, God is a dick:

Pic of God trollin'.

Found via Internet Today.

Study suggests people attribute their own views to God.

Susan B. Anthony said in 1896: I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.

The above is not news to anyone who is paying attention. Ask most Believers what they feel God’s stance is on a particular moral question and then ask what their own views are on the topic and, more often than not, you’ll get the same answer. Now there’s a study that supports that simple truth:

For many religious people, the popular question “What would Jesus do?” is essentially the same as “What would I do?” That’s the message from an intriguing and controversial new study by Nicholas Epley from the University of Chicago. Through a combination of surveys, psychological manipulation and brain-scanning, he has found that when religious Americans try to infer the will of God, they mainly draw on their own personal beliefs.

Psychological studies have found that people are always a tad egocentric when considering other people’s mindsets. They use their own beliefs as a starting point, which colours their final conclusions. Epley found that the same process happens, and then some, when people try and divine the mind of God. Their opinions on God’s attitudes on important social issues closely mirror their own beliefs. If their own attitudes change, so do their perceptions of what God thinks. They even use the same parts of their brain when considering God’s will and their own opinions.

Religion provides a moral compass for many people around the world, colouring their views on everything from martyrdom to abortion to homosexuality. But Epley’s research calls the worth of this counsel into question, for it suggests that inferring the will of God sets the moral compass to whatever direction we ourselves are facing. He says, “Intuiting God’s beliefs on important issues may not produce an independent guide, but may instead serve as an echo chamber to validate and justify one’s own beliefs.”

It’s the sort of thing that prompts a knee-jerk reaction of, Well duh! But it’s probably best that there’s some research that supports what seems obvious to many of us. If nothing else it can act as a jumping off point for challenging believers to truly consider what they think they know about their God(s). Combined with the fact that there’s such a wide-ranging variance between believers on what they think their God’s viewpoints are, it also bolsters the argument that there likely aren’t any God(s) to begin with.

Gods are created in man’s image and always have been as it is only in the mind of man that they exist. Considering some people’s opinions on what God is like, perhaps it’s best that simply wishing for something doesn’t make it real.

Feel the True Believer love!

Hoo boy, it’s amazing the kind of uproar that new-fangled Twitter thingy can cause. It seems earlier today the words “No God” became what the Twitterettes call a “Trending Topic” and all hell broke loose. Theists were confused, upset, outraged, and horrified that the phrase “No God” could be the number one trending topic. Meanwhile us atheists were quite amused at the ruckus it was causing and some of the stunning tweets it was generating from the True Believers™.

The common assumption among the theists was that this was all due to us nasty atheists out on a God bashing spree, but the truth is it all got started when someone posted that cloying cliche: “No God, No Peace, Know God, Know Peace.” Apparently Twitter has a funky way of determining what the relevant words in a tweet are and, as the phrase was repeatedly retweeeted by the faithful, it made “No God” a trending topic. Which then led to what is the other amusing aspect of this thread: The numerous clueless TBs who kept posting tweets such as this one:

@TechNoteDaGreat How did no god become a tt

I can answer that. In part it happened because a lot of clueless Twats Twits Tweeters kept asking how it became a Trending Topic. Every time one of these morons used the words “No God” in their tweets asking how it became a trending topic they helped to bolster that trend. Many of the outraged felt they should do something to knock it from the top spot yet they kept using the words “No God” in their tweets thus helping to ensure it stayed number one. You’d think the logic of this would be self-evident, but it left many TBers confused and angry.

Personally I had a great time watching the thread grow and taking potshots at some of the more stupid arguments being tossed into the fray. Pascal’s wager, which I saw stated in hip-hop terms for the first time ever, was a popular one as was the “without God there’s no purpose, no love, no blah blah blah” line of reasoning. Which isn’t to say they didn’t have anything new that I hadn’t heard before. For example. did you know that God is the reason you wake up in the morning? It’s true! According to many TBers who say it ain’t the alarm clock that wakes your sorry ass up, but God. ***Dave asked if that meant he could blame God if he overslept and was late to work. Sounds logical to me. A comment that probably would’ve gotten him lumped in with us Godless heathens had he not sent it straight to me.

Anyway, the point I wanted to get to is this: I’m sometimes accused of being overly harsh or rude to the True Believers™ when they come around. I’m told I am disrespectful and intolerant and that I should be more like the even-handed Christians I’m accused of bashing. I always find that amusing when I come across tweets like the following which I’ve placed after the jump to tidy things up.

These are presented here in all their original glory with no alterations from me save a couple of spaces here and there for legibility.

@TeamJuliony FYI, if there was no God, I wouldnt of met Julian 3 times, or all the other celebs I did & i would of killed myself yrs ago

@TeamJuliony: (in reply to) @lesjenkins Have a nice time burning in hell. And for the record, MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS, SATAN.

@KymberlyReneeJ If there is No God WOW you athiest have gone 2 an all time high of disrespect Y don’t yall go play russian roulette with a fully loaded GUN

@prettii_black RT @BigSDot That no God topic is pissing me off #yesgod #yesgod #yesgod #yesgod, damn atheist! < -TELL EM!

@cantdoitlikemee RT @betty_newmoon May God’ve mercy on those hu r sayin No God <

< I concur. People are fucking stupid these days!!! >

:/

@itsqianajones I am truely disappointed that No God is a Trending Topic. It’s Sad. Dumbass Athiests.

@Blackanesebbyy i’m assuming all the ppl who say there is No God are white supremacist as well. smh.

@melmerbay Wow the trending topic about no god makes me want to cry, hope all the non believers burn in hell, I say that with love.

no god….NO gOD.. you disgust me you non believers! to hell with all of you (via @AJK92) No god? what is this fuckery? o_0(via @klssothl89)

You can find more examples of True Believer love here.

Truth is I’ve been spoiled by the folks who visit SEB. We don’t tend to get too many of these sorts of True Believers™ by the site much these days—which is probably for the best as it’d be like shooting fish in a barrel—so when I encounter them elsewhere I’m always amazed at the simplicity of their arguments. Of course Twitter is hardly conducive to a decent debate given its 140 character limit on messages, but still you’d hope that the level of discourse would have some thought behind it.

Ultimately Twitter ended up yanking “No God” from the trending topics list because the thread was killing their servers, the Twitter Fail Whale showed up several times, and the service was quickly accused by many of censorship. I doubt that was the reason it was pulled as opposed to simply trying to stay sane in the face of crushing server utilization. It quickly popped back up and they then turned around and merged it with “Know God” which is how it appears in the TT now much to the delight of the Theists who wanted it gone.  One went as far as to claim God, and not Twitter, was responsible for removing “No God” from the Trending Topics list.

Which is another thing that amazes me about Twitter. It’s a great way to remind yourself of the crushing stupidity and gullibility that exists in this country. In my day-to-day life I don’t come across too many True Believers™ and the few I do are usually in a setting where it would be inappropriate to discuss such topics (e.g. at work). Given that my peers are generally of similar point of view it can be easy at times to forget that a lot of people are just plain old idiots. Watching the news will give you a taste, but stepping into a Trending Topic on Twitter will hit you full force with it and really bring the point home. It’s probably good for my sanity that I don’t dip my toes into that end of the gene pool too often.

Because that amount of stupid can leave you with severe burns.

Trailer for the documentary “Oh My God.”

Here’s a documentary that looks like it might be interesting. Filmmaker Peter Rodger spent two and a half years traveling to 23 countries asking people from all walks of life – celebrities to the common man and believers to atheists – a simple question: What is God?

There’s a longer four minute trailer at IMDB. I don’t know if I’ll pay money to watch it in a theater, but it’s a definite rental.