SEB Mailbag: “You are a dumbass” edition.

It wasn’t clear at first, but this email appears to be in regards to an entry I wrote back in 2004 about dumbasses paying money to sit in a mine full of radon gas on the belief that it will help alleviate any of a long list of ailments.

As you can see, the author has employed a time-tested Internet argument winning tactic:

From: sandie waddell <olivias.mama@hotmail.com>

Subject: you are a dumbass

HI DUMBASS!!

WHICH YOU ARE.  I KNOW PEOPLE WHO HAVE GONE THERE OVER 50 YEARS TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE FREE OF PAIN.  I GO THERE FOR THE SAME REASON.  OSTEO ARTHRITIS WOULD HAVE ME CRIPPLED AND NOT WALKING IF IT WAS NOT FOR THE MINE.
THIS FORM OF TREATMENT IS A PRESCRIBED TREATMENT BY DOCTORS IN OTHER COUNTRIES.  THAT IS HOW WE FOUND OUT ABOUT THEM, FROM A DOCTOR.
THE MINERS WERE IN THOSE MINES EVERY DAY FOR 10 HOURS AND IT DIDN’T HURT THEM.  STILL SOME OF THEM ALIVE AND WELL INTO THEIR 80’S IN MONTANA, I HAVE MET THEM.
SO, DUMBASS, EXPLAIN THAT.  MAYBE TOU NEED SOME TREATMENT FOR YOUR BRAIN!!

OLIVIASMAMA

I’ll leave its deconstruction as an exercise for the reader.

Why you shouldn’t shit in your own backyard.

Because it can come back to bite you on the ass:

CARLSBAD — A rancher in Kentucky called a nearby natural cave his “animal pit,” which he used to dump garbage and dead animals.

Surveyors went deep into the cave one day, and a metal pipe was discovered extending down from the ceiling. It was later determined to be the rancher’s drinking well.

He said his water tasted strange whenever it rained.

“Sometimes what we can’t see, can hurt us,” said Aaron Stockton, a cave specialist for the Bureau of Land Management.

This guy was basically using his water supply as a landfill and then wondering why his water tasted bad after heavy rains. I know Kentucky doesn’t have a reputation for breeding the smartest of people, but you’d think they’d at least recognize that dropping dead animals and garbage into a cave that also supplies them with their drinking water would be a bad idea. At the very least you’d think they might make the connection between the heavy rain, the garbage and decaying carcasses, and the foul water. Worse yet, the water table this moron was polluting supplied water to several wells in the area so he wasn’t just putting himself at risk, but his neighbors as well.

How much you want to bet this genius continues to dump crap in his cave even after being told he was creating his own problem?

Michelle Bachmann’s argument against health care for all? It’ll be a hassle for her. (#Blogathon)

I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating. Michelle Bachmann is just fucking nuts. She’s also selfish, shallow, and greedy, but mainly she’s fucking nuts:

Why offer more people health insurance, Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-Minn.) asked at a press conference Friday, if they might lengthen waits for doctors and otherwise increase the “hassle factor” for her?

“That’s like having a mother bear protecting her little cubs, and she’s seeing that she has to move heaven and earth to get her child what her child needs,” Bachmann said, referring to the health care reforms being debated by Congress. “We’ll do it if we have to, but why put ourselves in that situation?”

[…] “I think most all of us here have had the opportunity to take our kids to a fast-food restaurant,” said Rep. Judy Biggert (R-Ill.). “We want to get a good dinner, and you walk in and there’s 50 people there and it seems like everybody in line wants to buy food for their soccer team or whatever. The American people aren’t particularly good at standing in line, but that’s exactly what’s going to happen if this health care plan goes through.”

So her argument at this point consists of: We shouldn’t let everyone have access to health care because it’ll make the lines longer. I’m sorry your child had to die from an easily curable disease so that Michelle Bachmann didn’t have to wait in a long line. If you really loved your kids you’d have a better job so you could afford decent health care. Or better yet, do like Michelle and become a government employee in a position that gives you free health care of the best kind.

SEB Tip of the Day: When pretending to fall off a bridge don’t actually fall off the bridge.

I like a good practical joke as much as the next guy, but the humor of the “Oh noes! I’ve injured myself grievously! Ha ha!” practical joke is that you didn’t actually injure yourself! Here is an example of how not to do it:

Police got a call just before 5 a.m. Sunday from a 21-year-old man who said his friend fell off the Highway 77 bridge and into a marshy area about 30 feet below. The caller said he was driving north when his friend, who he said had been drinking, told him to pull into the bridge’s emergency lane so he could urinate.

The 23-year-old eventually climbed to the ledge of the bridge, then looked at his friend and pretended to fall. “He then in fact fell,” reads a press release from the Bloomingtin Police Department.

It also probably helps if you’re not drunk when trying to pull the prank.

Man gives his nursing wife water with meth in it.

Here’s an early candidate for Father of the year:

CHEHALIS, Wash.—A man has been accused of giving methamphetamine-laced water to his wife in the Morton area at a time when she was nursing a 3-month-old baby.

Lewis County sheriff’s Deputy Stacy Brown says 35-year-old William Lee Bieber is in jail for investigation of endangerment with a controlled substance, second-degree assault, domestic violence and five counts of witness-tampering.

Surely he must have a good reason for giving his wife drug-tainted water putting not only her health at risk, but also the health of their infant child, right? It couldn’t possibly have been for some stunningly selfish reason, could it? Turns out it very well could:

Brown says he told authorities he made his wife drink meth water to “give her energy to clean the house.”

What the fuck is wrong with that guy? Is he really that stupid and self-centered? The article is brief so it doesn’t say what the wife’s plans are. Is she considering leaving the bastard? Is she standing by him? Does she realize what a moron she’s married to? Stuff like this leaves me flabbergasted.

The devil made her do it.

The Associated Press: Woman accused of church theft blames Satan

ARLINGTON, Wash. (AP) — A woman accused of taking more than $73,000 from the Arlington church where she was an administrative assistant blames the devil. Papers filed with a theft charge Wednesday in Snohomish County Superior Court say the 62-year-old Arlington woman told detectives “Satan had a big part in the theft.”

I think it has less to do with Satan and more to do with her own personal greed, but then I tend to think like that.

True Believer complains “Miracle on the Hudson” crew didn’t mention God.

It’s not enough for some people that they attribute every good thing that happens in their lives to God, but they expect everyone else to do it as well. Case in point: Dena Malda of Muskegon Michigan who took up a pen, after watching the “60 Minutes” interview with the crew of the plane that made an emergency landing on the Hudson river, and wrote the following to the editor:

On the Feb. 8 “60 Minutes” program, we were captivated while viewing the Katie Couric interview of the crew and passengers of Flight 1549.

However, we were struck there was not one mention of God, who directs pilots of planes and secures the safety of passengers.

We have written CBS and asked them for more realistic programming. Help protect our freedoms. Write CBS about this.

Did you get that? Apparently this person is upset because God didn’t get any credit for directing the pilots of the planes and securing the safety of the passengers. If you thought it was the madskillz of the pilot that got that plane down safely then you’re living in fantasy land because that’s clearly not realistic. More importantly allowing the flight crew to not mention God is apparently a threat to our freedoms! The only solution is to write to CBS and have them pass a rule where Katie has to repeatedly ask: “And what part did God play in saving your lives?” every time she interviews survivors because if God doesn’t get his acknowledgments then next time he’ll let you fuckers drop like a rock.

Idiot mayor thinks baggy pants problem is “bigger than the Constitution.”

You’ve really gotta love it when some asshole who thinks he can do whatever he wants gets elected to office. Assholes like Mayor Frank Melton of Jackson, Mississippi who has taken it upon himself to pull up the pants of Jackson’s youth:

The council members who voted against the saggy-pants ban said it likely was unconstitutional.

But Mayor Frank Melton, who joined the council meeting via telephone from Texas, said he will issue an executive order instituting the dress code.

“I certainly respect the Constitution,” Melton said, “but we have some issues that are much bigger than the Constitution.”

I think the saggy-pants fad is pretty silly myself, but to say it’s bigger than the Constitution is idiotic in the extreme. Does it ever occur to these morons that part of the reason people wear their pants like that is because it pisses off the establishment?

Melton said his executive order will not call on offenders to be put in jail. Instead, he said he envisions police officers taking young men with sagging pants home to their parents to talk about the problem.

Well that’s one way to waste the valuable time and resources of your police department. Up next he’ll have the police washing your mouth out with soap and water if they catch you cussin’.

“I am willing to go to court on this particular issue,” said Melton…

Because I’m a dumbass. But not as big a dumbass as the people who voted me into office!

Another “psychic” busted for “cleansing evil spirits.”

Here’s a news item that’s becoming all too familiar:

Lisa Marie Miller, 27, of San Francisco victimized a woman who “sought her out because she was in love with a fellow who was not returning her affection,” said Deputy District Attorney Cherie Bourlard. The woman contacted Miller in 2005 after seeing a newspaper ad that offered a $10 reading.

Miller convinced the woman that she was cursed and needed “spiritual cleansing,” authorities said. The woman gave Miller $108,000 from her checking, savings and retirement accounts as well as cash, jewelry and gift cards. She also financed a Corvette for Miller, authorities said.

Right off the bat we know the female “victim” here is a fucking dumbass. She goes for a $10 reading and ends up paying out over $108,000 over the next several months? I suppose I could see that if it were simply a case of repeated visits racking up additional fees, but what argument can you make that buying someone a car will help cleanse you of evil spirits that doesn’t wave red flags all over the place?

The “victim” is a dumbass and you know what they say about a fool and her money…

The woman finally figured out something was wrong when she read media accounts that Miller’s mother-in-law, 56-year-old Lola Miller of San Jose, had been arrested for taking $450,000 in cash and services from a San Jose woman. Lola Miller, who went by the name “Miss Donna,” read the victim’s fortune, told her that she and family members were cursed and that she would cleanse them of evil for money. She also threatened the victim.

Putting two and two together, the woman bilked by Lisa Miller tried to contact the supposed psychic, but her calls were not returned. At that point, the woman went to authorities.

So I’m wondering what the crime actually is? How do they prove that she didn’t cleanse the “victim” of evil spirits. If you accept the premise that money is the root of all evil then Lisa was doing a fabulous cleansing job.

Lisa Miller pleaded no contest in September to one count of theft by false pretense. A Santa Clara County judge sentenced her to two months in jail and five years of probation. The judge also ordered her to pay full restitution, of which she has already paid $61,000, authorities said.

I’d be curious to see what the false pretenses supposedly are. How is what she did any different than, say, Sylvia Browne who charges $850 for a phone reading? Actually I know the answer to that. Sylvia never blames anything on “evil spirits” in her readings. She just gives you a bunch of empty platitudes and counts on your gullibility to bring you back for another $850 session.

As for Lisa Miller, seems her whole family has been busted for cleansing evil spirits:

A third member of the family is also facing psychic-related criminal charges. Lisa Miller’s sister-in-law, Danielle Miller, 23, is accused of bilking $36,000 from a woman to cleanse her of evil, prosecutors said.

Which just goes to show there’s a lot of dumbasses with deep pockets out there. Damn my scruples.

Conversations with a Dumbass: Angel is now a psychic. Predicts my death.

So I heard from my new friend again. She’s decided to take a new tact:

Glad to be of assistance. Someone needs to get your sorry ass through a day…considering you are much too inept to make it on your own. Only the most pathetic losers with no lives have blogs where they spend their entire day shitting on those who actually make something of their lives.
But please, by all means, fuck my memory straight in the ass b/c you can’t hurt me. I’m completely impervious to your ranting. However, I hope you will note this and it doesn’t even matter if you remember it, b/c when it happens, you will have full recall and that is all the gratification I need.
Some time down the road, in the not too distant future, my dear non-friend, you will be diagnosed with a terminal illness that will have no chance of recovery. You will find out that you have it when you go to the doctor after being sick for a very long time. It will start out as a cold and just never go away. After dealing with it for months you will notice you have lost a significant amount of weight and can’t hold down food. You’ll be shitting your brains out and puking your guts up. Wonderful description, eh? Sick of it all you will finally go to the doc and be told your diagnosis. Oh well…poor Les.
You will eventually, after a very long time of being miserably sick, die a rotting mess of a corpse. And very few, if any, will mourn your passing. This is not a voodoo curse. Laugh all you want, but I promise you it will happen exactly that way. And your atheist ass will be wondering as you lay in your bed waiting to die…“How could that bitch be so right?!” Well, Les, I have a secret to tell you…I’m able to see the future sometimes. And I saw yours before I ever knew what an asshole you were. Sometimes I get a payback when I don’t even realize that one is deserved!
So, in a few years, when you’ve long forgotten my sweet little ass, you will suddenly remember me as you wait to die. And I will also have a sudden memory of your sorry ass and I’ll be grinning ear to ear when you take your last croak of a breath!
Paybacks are a bitch, but, hey, somebody needs to have something good come from this life.

Be seeing ya around, bud!  wink

I didn’t bother to clean up her formatting this time. As far as psychic predictions go this one is pretty weak. Here’s my reply:

    What? You can’t even manage to name what horrible disease will be my undoing? Surely you can do better than that. I’d expect you’d at least be able to give a reasonable time frame rather than the astoundingly vague “sometime down the road, in the not too distant future” but “in a few years after I’ve forgotten you.” No word on what hospital it’ll be? No word on what state I’m living in at the time? Some psychic you are.

    For the record I have little doubt that I’ll die within the next 40 years. Cancer runs in my family and few of us make it through our 70’s. It’s not anything I worry about as it’s knowledge I’ve lived with for a long time. Already I’ve made a better prediction than you have. But you go ahead and dream your little fantasy if it makes you feel better. This email just adds more fuel to the blog. At least you didn’t say you were going to pray for me like so many others. That at least makes you a refreshing change of pace.

    Les