Too Much Faith Will Make You Crazy: BBQ Pet edition.

christianassholesThere’s a lot of fucked up shit in the Bible. Things like incest, murder, rape, and animal sacrifice to name just a few. In fact, that last one shows up quite a lot in the Old Testament. There was a time when God really loved the smell of a freshly slaughtered animal on a pyre, but for the most part Christians stopped sacrificing animals after Jesus came along.

Apparently 42-year-old Patrick Zane Thompson in Arizona didn’t get that memo:

Investigators spoke with Thompson’s family, including his daughter and wife. When Thompson went back into the house, they say he got more erratic and told his family, in front of his four minor children, that he needed to make a sacrifice of a male.

According to the victims, Thompson stated it had to be either himself, his firstborn 6-year-old son or the family dog — a small, white poodle weighing about 15 pounds. That’s when the family tried to escape the home but Thompson was able to grab hold of the dog. Investigators say the family pleaded with Thompson not to hurt the dog.

But the situation got more gruesome. Goodyear police say Thompson admitted to then breaking the dog’s neck and strangling it until it “could not breathe.” He allegedly told officers the sacrifice was not done and that he had to put the dog in a “lake of fire.” Court documents say he then told them that he put the dog in the heating element of the smoker, which was turned on.

Oh yeah, I’m sure God’s loving the smell of smoked poodle. That’s gotta be a refreshing change from all those lambs and cows and shit he got in the past. Plus it’s been so long.

So what was the sin that prompted Mr. Thompson to offer up his only poodle to his Lord and Saviour? Why, only one of the most horrific things you’ve ever heard of:

Detectives investigated further and learned that shortly after returning home, Thompson became upset with a shirt that his 17-year-old daughter had. Investigators said he believed the shirt had to do with the devil. That paperwork says Thompson made his daughter take the shirt and go with him to a large BBQ traveler that’s parked in a side yard. The smoker was lit and police report that Thompson put the shirt in the trailer, burning it.

The article doesn’t say what the T-shirt had on it that was so terrible, but I’m sure it was something like “I’m with stupid.” or “I love One Direction.” You know, really evil stuff.

But hey, you can’t judge this guy! He was only doing what he truly believed his God wanted him to do. He was sure calamity was about to befall his family unless he took immediate action. Of course, he was also high as a kite at the time, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t save his family with his quick thinking. God can be pretty fucking demanding! Just read the Bible and you’ll see that for yourself. At least he didn’t opt to use his 6-year-old son instead, right? Can’t say that about Abraham and his kid. I bet if Abraham had had a poodle God wouldn’t have stopped him just before he completed the act. Smoked poodle is delicacy in some places.

Man posts sign expressing delight that his neighbor has cancer.

Well that's not very neighborly! Click to embiggen!

I can be an asshole at times just like anyone else, but this is taking assholeishness to a whole other level:

Cranston residents protest sign urging cancer patient to die – Projo 7 to 7 News Blog 

Bob Gold, 55, has been in remission for a year from Hodgkin’s lymphoma, which he has been fighting since February 2009. He said that on Monday, he was in his backyard when he saw a holiday wreath with a red bow on the back window of Jimmis’ garage. A hand-lettered note inside the wreath read: “Glad you have canser (sic). So die stupid.”

It seems that Edward Jimmis, the man who put up the sign, had previously had some sort of disagreements with Bob Gold, his neighbor, that left him with one hell of a grudge. He says in the news item that he “wanted to hit a nerve” and he certainly accomplished that goal as several people showed up to protest outside his house. Gold also called the police about the sign, but Jimmis wasn’t doing anything illegal in posting it so there wasn’t a whole lot they could do. They did show up to ensure that the protest stayed peaceful and commended the folks present for holding the protest.

After a reporter spoke with Jimmis he changed the sign to read “love your neighbor” as some sort of act of contrition:

On Tuesday, Gold, unsatifisfied with the change, called the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and visited the mayor’s office, speaking with Carlos E. Lopez, who handles constituent affairs.

“We can’t legislate being a good neighbor,” Lopez said later in the day. “You want to be able to help, but we have to make sure we respect everyone’s legal rights. … Let’s hope for the better side of humanity to prevail on this.”

Police did send some representatives to talk to both men about sitting down and working out their differences. Jimmis agreed that he was being an asshole in posting the sign and he promised that he wouldn’t post it again. He also agreed to sitting down with officers and Gold to talk things out:

Gold, however, said he wasn’t yet ready to sit down with his neighbor.

Which is a shame because it will justify in his neighbor’s mind that he was right to be an asshole. You go through all that trouble to bring attention to your neighbor’s dickishness and shame him into being contrite and then you refuse to try and work things out? Who’s being the asshole now?

It’s a special kind of asshole who takes up two handicapped parking spaces…

Constable and noted asshat, Joseph Mora.

… when he’s not handicapped himself and then when he’s confronted by an actual handicapped person he flashes a fake badge and assaults the poor guy. The cherry on top of this pile of shit? When said asshole is a constable and a member of the local planning board.

Meet just such an asshole: Jospeh Mora of Fairhaven, Massachusetts.

According to police, the man tried to park his car in one of the handicapped spaces at the Seaport Inn and Marina on Friday night and noticed that Morra’s car was taking up two handicapped parking spaces.

Police said Morra’s car didn’t have a handicapped license plate or a visible placard.

Police said the man began taking pictures of Morra’s car with his cell phone.

According to police, the man said Morra displayed a badge to him and ordered him off the property while uttering expletives.

The man told police that Morra poked him in the chest and sternum several times and then shoved him, nearly knocking him to the ground.

Mora’s been charged with assault and battery on a disabled person, intimidation of a witness, impersonating a police officer and malicious destruction of property valued at over $250 for breaking the disabled man’s cellphone. Also, of being a humongous prick.

I could kind of understand if he was just going to be parked for a couple of minutes and he took up one handicapped spot to do it, but this is going beyond inconsiderate to the land of complete asshattery. Seriously, walk the extra 20 feet or so and stop being such a dickhead.

Man threatens host of kid’s birthday party with a gun.

I generally don’t have a problem with gun ownership — most gun owners seem to be responsible and considerate — but this guy isn’t one of those people:

According to a police affidavit, Hayes became upset and began yelling at the victim because “Y’all didn’t save my kids no damn ice cream and cake.”

Hayes then left the party and went to his apartment.

According to the affidavit, he returned with a small black handgun tucked into the back of his pants, approached the host, lifted up his shirt and said, “I ain’t scared to go to jail, just take care of my kids.”

via Man brings gun to South Memphis birthday party after his kids don’t get any cake » Knoxville News Sentinel.

It’s probably a good thing he wasn’t “scared to go to jail” because that’s where he ended up after the host called the police on his stupid ass. I suppose I can understand feeling slighted that your kids were snubbed (intentionally or not), but this is hardly the appropriate response to the problem.

Of course, given the exemplary diction the accused displayed, I suppose it’s not surprising that it was the only response he could come up with. Next time lay off the crystal meth and learn how to express yourself in a less jail-worthy fashion, eh?

8-year-old pepper sprayed after threatening police with a sharp stick.

Every kid throws a temper tantrum now and then, but it sounds like second grader Aidan could use a few anger management classes:

According to the report, Aidan “was climbing the cart and spitting at teachers. He also broke wood trim off the walls and was trying to stab teachers with it.”

“I wanted to make something sharp if they came out because I was so mad at them,” Aidan said. “I was going to try to whack them with it.”

The report goes on to say Aidan, “was holding what looked like a sharpened one foot stick and he screamed, ‘Get away from me you f—ers.'”

Lakewood Police officers ordered the 8-year-old to “drop the stick.” When he refused, they sprayed him with pepper spray twice until he dropped the piece of wood and was handcuffed.

According to the police report, the boy was later treated on the scene for “a red, irritated face.”

His mom is upset because she thinks the pepper spray was excessive saying that the previous two times that the police had to show up at his school they were able to calm him down by talking to him. Based on the kid’s own statements it sounds like he had every intention of causing bodily harm if he could manage it and if he wasn’t calming down then pepper spray is probably a better alternative than shooting him.

Which, based on the following, is something that seems like a possibility in the future:

Aidan admitted he has problems controlling his anger.

“Just kind of like whenever anybody upsets me,” he said. “Like I just kind of want to tear them apart… I think it’s not ever going to go away… It’s just who I am.”

Yeah, that’s gonna be a nasty issue for him as he gets older unless his parents can get him the help he apparently needs. If not I foresee a short, but infamous career on reality television.

Well this is a novel way to get your ass run over.

It’s probably safe to say that Benjamin Keyser is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Seems he was riding as a passenger in a F350 Ford Truck with a moon roof when he thought it’d be hilarious to climb out of said moon roof while the truck was in motion:

“He immediately lost his balance, slid down the windshield and front hood … and the truck ran him over,” said State Police Capt. Scott Brown.

[…] The other three occupants of the truck put Keyser, 23, back in the truck and drove him to the Chatham Rescue Squad headquarters where he received emergency medical care before a New York State Police helicopter transported him to Albany Medical Center.

He remains there in serious condition as of press time. Keyser broke a femur and suffered facial and bodily injuries, according to authorities.

via The Register Star Online > Joke gone wrong lands man in hospital.

He’s lucky that’s all he suffered from. Seriously, how stupid do you have to be to think this is a good idea?

“It appears that alcohol played a part in this accident,” he said. “The victim had consumed alcohol just before this happened.”

Ah, you have to be stupid drunk to think this is a good idea. Of course the real question here is: Do you think he learned anything from this?

Asshole in Florida busted for scamming dementia sufferers.

It’s bad enough that there are people in this world whose primary goal is to see how they can screw over everyone else, but it’s especially galling when they prey upon those who are most vulnerable. Assholes like Terry Scott Hyder who’s been targeting the elderly suffering from dementia in Florida and North Carolina to steal their money:

The FBI and local authorities say Terry Scott Hyder may have cheated victims out of more than $500,000. He was arrested at an Orlando night club Tuesday and charged with organized fraud and grand theft.

A spokeswoman for the Marion County Sheriff’s Office said Hyder often brought snacks to the group to make friends with elderly women who had a sick spouse. Hyder allegedly tried to convince them they could protect their savings by buying his bogus tax certificates.

via Man targeted dementia support groups in Fla., NC – Florida AP – MiamiHerald.com.

I have to admit that it makes me wish there were still judicial sentences that included hard labor as a punishment as I can’t think of anyone more deserving of hours spent doing something pointless like smashing rocks with a sledgehammer than Mr. Hyder.

I’m probably being a bit unfair as he’s not actually be convicted of a crime yet, but this sort of asshattery makes my blood boil almost instantly and I’m only human.

The play area of your local McDonald’s is not the place to masturbate while looking at porn.

There are certain things you would think would be obvious to most people. Things that people shouldn’t have to be told not to do. Things like looking at porn and masturbating while sitting in a McDonald’s PlayLand while children play nearby.

You’d think that should go without saying, but you’d be wrong:

Pic of Baumgartner

Pic in the dictionary entry for "bad judgement."

MADISON, Wis. — A 38-year-old man was arrested on Sunday for allegedly looking at pornographic images and fondling himself at a West Side McDonald’s.

Madison police said Michael Baumgartner, 38, of Madison, was arrested on suspicion of lewd and lascivious behavior and disorderly conduct at about 12:45 p.m. on Sunday.

Police said he was using his laptop to look at pornographic images in a McDonald’s play area on Odana Road while 15 to 20 children were playing.

Police said the suspect, who told police he has no children, admitted to exercising bad judgment.

Gee, ya think?

Look I enjoy spending a little time in porn-land on occasion myself, but I keep that sort of thing in the privacy of my own home. Not once has it ever crossed my mind that the meal I’m currently eating at whatever restaurant I happen to be in at the time would be vastly improved by a little self-massage while looking at naughty pictures on my laptop. Maybe I’m out of the ordinary in that regard, but I wouldn’t think so.

So for those of you out there who apparently need to be told this sort of thing: Don’t masturbate to porn at a restaurant. Go home and draw the shades first. The rest of us would be very appreciative of your courtesy in this regard.

Teen nearly kills himself for a free soda.

Are you stupid enough that you would clamp wires to your nipples and give yourself a 120 volt zap just to win a bet for a free soda?

High schooler Kyle DuBois is and he damn near killed himself:

Police released an interview with Kyle DuBois and his teacher, Thomas Kelley, after the teen shocked himself in class, sending him to the hospital.

Students in the electrical technology classroom say Kelley was in on the prank, even offering the teen soda if he did it.

Police say they interviewed the teacher hours later, at which point he vehemently denied taking part. He alleges he even told the students to knock it off.

“The one thing I remember him saying is, ‘What will you give me if I clip these to my nipples?’ ‘Nothing.’ ‘Give me a Mountain Dew, Kelley,’” the teacher can be seen telling police during the recorded interview.

Authorities interviewed the teen a week later when he was out of the hospital, who remembered a friend taking part in the dare, not the teacher.

“I bet ya free Mountain Dew first year every day, the friend did… to zap myself,” said DuBois to police.

via WHDH-TV – Police record talk with shocked NH teen, teacher.

His heart stopped and the teacher had to perform CPR to save his dumb ass. You can see part of a video one of the other students recorded with his cell-phone in the original article.

Given the almost ubiquitous appearance of defibrillators and how they are used in TV shows and movies, you’d think this kid would know that running electricity over his heart might be a bad idea, but I suppose some folks just have to learn this stuff the hard way.

Soldier uses torture on his 4-year-old daughter.

27-year-old U.S. Army Sergeant Joshua Ryan Tabor has served 15 months in Iraq and apparently he picked up some less than appropriate parenting techniques while he was there:

“We had a report of [Tabor] walking around his neighborhood holding a Kevlar helmet and threatening to bust out windows,” Stancil told ABCNews.com today. “In the process of talking to Tabor’s girlfriend about what was going on, we learned that he had also been abusing his daughter.”

Stancil said that when the cops coaxed the little girl out of the bathroom they saw that she was covered in “multiple bruises pretty much all over her body.”

“She was very open with us,” Stancil said of the young girl, whose name is not being released because she is a minor. “She basically came right out and said, ‘Daddy does this to me. He uses his hands.'”

Both the girl and the father admitted to the torture, even detailing how Tabor would sit the girl on the edge of the bathroom sink and hold her head down until it was nearly submerged in water, dunking her if she refused to recite the alphabet, said Stancil.

Yes, the terrible thing this little girl did that prompted her punishment was refusing to recite the alphabet.

But at least Tabor is being upfront and honest about what he’s done:

Tabor told authorities that “his purpose was to punish her by putting her in the water because he knows she is afraid of it and he wanted her to cooperate.”

“She said her letters after that,” Tabor told the cops, admitting that he had grown frustrated with the girl after practicing the letters for “approximately three hours.”

After three hours of practice I’d refuse to say the fucking alphabet as well.

It seems Tabor felt that his daughter was not mentally up to where she should be for her age. And we all know that the best way to motivate a mentally deficient child is by repeatedly dunking their head into a sink full of hot water. Tabor’s girlfriend may also end up facing charges in the incident. She noted that Tabor has an “anger management problem” to police. Gee, ya think?

Oh, and according to investigators, the 4-year-old girl seemed quite articulate and without any developmental problems. Though after living with this asshole for the past couple of months – he has joint-custody in five months increments – she’ll probably need some therapy in the future.