The celebrities! They are dropping like flies!

Farah, MJ, Ed McMahon, and now Billy Mays. If I were prone to conspiracy theories I might start to think something was afoot. Two of the four deaths—Farah and Ed—aren’t unexpected and, honestly, Michael’s isn’t a huge surprise given all the surgery he’s subjected himself to over the years. May’s death may be the result of a head injury after a rough landing when the plane he was on lost its front wheels during a landing.

In all honesty none of these passings stirs any deep feelings in me. I’m probably one of the few guys who grew up in the 70’s and 80’s who didn’t have that iconic Farah poster on his wall. I didn’t watch the Tonight Show enough to care about Ed McMahon so most of my exposure to him was through those stupid Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes ads. I’ll confess to singing along with a couple of Michael Jackson’s songs back in the 80’s, but I was never enough of a fan to buy an album and while I have nothing personal against Billy Mays I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it’s somewhat of a relief that he won’t be making commercials anymore.

So, yeah, lots of folks dropping dead out there and the only real emotion I’ve experienced so far is annoyance at all the networks falling all over themselves to do Michael Jackson memorial shows. Though those are probably going to be less annoying in the long run than all the kiss-and-tell exposes that I’m sure we’ll be hearing about now that he’s dead and can’t sue the hell out of people he was paying to keep quiet. Already we’ve got his baby momma telling the tabloids that Michael isn’t the biological father of his kids and she doesn’t want to take custody of them. Next up will probably be the Nanny. Oh joy!

So I probably won’t be watching much television until this all dies down, if you’ll pardon the expression.
 

Anna Nicole Smith’s death an even bigger circus than her life.

As I mentioned earlier I’ve been more or less ignoring the news for the past couple of days, but eventually you can’t help but be exposed to it and seeing that the news media is still short stroking Anna Nicole Smith’s death all over the place it’s a given that I’d get caught up on what fiasco it’s become. The big news at the moment it seems is that there are now no less than three different men claiming to potentially be the father of Anna’s baby daughter one of which is Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband. Wait, what the fuck?

Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, told the Associated Press he plans to file a paternity challenge in court this week to gain custody of Anna Nicole Smith’s infant daughter, even if it costs him his marriage.

“I’m going to make the DNA test,” he said. “If the court rules in my favor, I will go to the Bahamas and pick up the child.”

Von Anhalt, 59, and Gabor, 90, have been married for more than 20 years. The news of her husband’s alleged affair has deeply upset Gabor, according to von Anhalt.

“She says, of course, ‘If you bring a baby home then it’s over,”’ he said. “If my wife wants to divorce me then it’s up to her.”

Amazing. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that the circus didn’t come to an end with her death and the news media have just got to be loving it. Near as I can tell the final results of her autopsy haven’t been released because the media is still speculating like crazy about it.

I think I’ll make more of an effort to ignore the news for awhile longer.

 

Newsgasm: Anna Nicole Smith is dead and no one knows why…

…but they’re working really hard to speculate the living shit out of the possibilities. It seems every little crumb of info the news media can get their hands on is being slapped onto a taffy puller and stretched as far as they can manage. For example: When paramedics arrived her heart wasn’t beating (a common occurrence when someone dies) so heres a list of 50 or so possible heart related problems she might have had but didn’t know about including some so obscure her chances of dieing from it are a million to one against.

They had one solid fact: Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Beyond that it was all just idle speculation by the news media. Was she murdered? Did she O.D.? Was she crushed under the weight of her own tits? What happens to her son? Is she a modern-day Marilyn Monroe? Was John F. Kennedy’s corpse spotted anywhere near her motel room?

I don’t know if the media is just so sick of reporting the awful news that’s coming out of Iraq on a daily basis or they think the public really gives that much of a shit about what was easily one of the most successful white trash women around, but it’s another one of those events that makes me ignore the news for a few days until it blows over. Of course Nancy Grace will be all over this for months to come I’m sure, what with being a fellow white trasher and all.

That’s why I need to start my own news network: LNN – Les News Network. Our coverage of Anna’s death would’ve been like this.

HEADLINE: ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS DEAD.

Anna Nicole Smith, famous Playboy playmate and gold digger, is dead at the age of 39. She was found in her hotel room unconscious and not breathing. No one has a fucking clue as to how she died yet and we’re not about to sit around and dream up possibilities when there’s other news to report. When we know more, you’ll know more.

And that would be it.