Shocking new study says most Americans don’t make it past 11AM before cursing!

I’m a man of few vices. I don’t smoke, do drugs, and hardly ever drink alcohol. Sex was a bit of a vice in my younger years, but it’s arguably not much of one now. Eating too much and cussin’ are the only vices I tend to partake in these days and I have plenty of company on both counts.

In fact, according to what I am sure was a rigorous scientific study by the researchers at, uh, 9Round Kickbox Fitness most Americans utter their first curse word by 10:54AM. To which I say, “Pfft! Amateurs!

Dude looks pissed. Or constipated. Hard to tell with stock photos. Either way I bet he’s swearing up a storm.

According to their survey, the reason 1 in 4 Americans can’t get past 9AM without dropping an F-bomb or two, is STRESS:

What the @#$%! Americans can’t get through the day without cursing — NYPost.com

[…] financial worry to be the biggest cause of stress and frustration among Americans (56 percent).

Followed by such time-honored stress-contributors like not getting enough sleep (36 percent), health concerns (35 percent) and work (30 percent).

But some Americans are stressed and frustrated about things that one might not expect.

For instance, one in ten (9 percent) listed the environment as a source of stress and frustration for them and four percent actually said the national deficit stresses them out. A curious three percent said they’ve been stressed about the national deficit within the past week.

The bar is low, as even something as mundane as slow wifi is enough to send 52 percent of Americans into a tizzy of frustration.

Let me just say right here, stress is the least of the reasons I cuss. Sometimes I just fucking feel like it.

Sure, I don’t shy away from swearing up a storm when I’m stressed and frustrated — you just have to watch me play Call of Duty multiplayer for a short time to see that truth borne out — but being upset about something is not a requirement. For me, cuss words are much like parsley on a fancy dinner plate: Totally unnecessary, but a nice garnish to fucking drive a point home.

Out of curiosity, why did the folks at 9Round Kickbox Fitness feel the need to get all scientifical about why people swear?

“People of all ages face stress every day and it can be difficult to find effective and healthy ways to cope,” said Shannon Hudson, CEO and founder of 9Round Kickbox Fitness. “While listening to music or watching TV can be relaxing, one of the best ways to reduce tension is through regular exercise because it improves both physical health and overall well-being. When you are physically and mentally strong, you are better equipped to handle life’s frustrations.”

[…] “We understand busy schedules and limited time constraints that’s why at 9Round we don’t offer set class times,” added Shannon. “Members are welcome to complete our 30-minute kickboxing circuit on their own schedule and get a great, stress-relieving workout seven days a week. Our workouts change daily and you can burn up to 500 calories each session.”

Ah ha! It’s a fucking sales pitch! Feeling stressed? Cussin’ at your kids too goddamned much? Come down to 9Round and learn to KICK THE SHIT OUT OF STRESS!!

They even made a sweet as hell infographic for the article so the folks at the New York Post could pretend they were engaging in real journalism instead of a big ad disguised as journalism which I’m sure they didn’t receive any compensation for from the folks at 9Round Kickbox Fitness. It’s a damned good thing we have companies like 9Round looking out for our moral well being by giving us a way to avoid swearing like a sailor the next time the WiFi goes down.

Unless, you know, you really fucking want to.