Man sees Virgin Mary in a very phallic lump of ice.

Jesus’ mom has decided to make an appearance in a lump of ice under the hitch of some yokel’s mobile home. As is par for the course when this happens a lot of very credulous people are making a big deal out of it:

“This is unbelievable,” the 24-year-old Gonzalez says. “This is something you see on the news (happening somewhere else).

“It’s a blessing. It could just be a sign from the Father above.”

There was no argument from the people who have come to view Mary.

Gonzalez said about 50 people came by Wednesday night, and more were coming this morning. Some, he knew. Some, he didn’t.

Candles and flowers have been left by those paying respects. Others have hung rosary beads around Mary. Many gently touched her.

“If you touch snow, your hands get wet,” Gonzalez said this morning. “But if you touch this, it’s like dry ice.”

“I can’t explain it,” one man said after spending several minutes pointing a video camera at the roughly foot-high statue.

Carmen Rosa, who also lives in Northgate, had much to say.

She spoke in Spanish as Gonzalez translated, “This is a message from God, to let us know there’s a chance for us to change our lives. …

“It’s a truly great blessing for it to appear here near us.”

As always you can click the pic to embiggen a bit. Looks more like a sex toy to me, but that could just be a personal bias. Not sure how a poorly sculpted image of the Virgin Mary comes across as a message from God to change our lives. Perhaps he’s threatening to turn us all into vaguely human shaped lumps of ice? I guess salt is too expensive these days.

Jesus and his Mom put in joint appearances in Phoenix.

First the Virgin Mary shows up in a water stain on a sidewalk and then Jesus shows up in some stucco. It’s a Christmas Miracle!!! Crowds got so big at the sidewalk location that police had to show up and tell people to stay out of the damned road so residents could get to their houses.

Do we have some crazy to share? Yes we do:

Virgin Mary, Jesus Christ sightings in Valley

“There – you see it?” was commonly heard from the crowd of people.

The image looks like a water mark – but the sidewalk is dry.

“We touched the image; we thought it was water. You can’t get no stain on your hand, so we know its the Virgin Mary,” says one onlooker.

“You can’t get no stain on your hand” should be a tag line for some amazing cleaning product. It makes me wonder if folks could get no stain on their hands at other Virgin Mary sightings? Is being able to get no stain on your hands a sign that it’s not really the Virgin Mary? Seems to make sense considering the fact that you can’t get no stain on your hands is cited as proof that it was her in this case.

People aren’t surprised to see her – the 12th of December is her birthday.

Of course it is. Except that according to the Catholics—who have a bit of a lock on Virgin Mary worship—it’s not her birthday at all. According to the Catholics the Virgin Mary’s birthday is September 8th circa 20 B.C. and today, December 8th, is supposedly the date she was conceived by some hot Dad of Mary (Saint Joachim) on Mom of Mary (Saint Anna) action.

Did you know that Mary’s conception was also considered Immaculate? According to the Catholic Encyclopedia Mary was born without the stain of original sin, but not exempt from the penalties of having said stain. This was apparently necessary for her to be able to give birth to Jesus Christ because you can’t have a sinful person giving birth to the son of God. Apparently the immaculate nature of Mary’s birth was decided by Pope Pius IX on this day back in 1854 as it was apparently a big controversy occupying everyone’s waking moments back then as opposed to, say, not dieing from the plague.

Anyway, back to the crazies:

“She comes out because she wants everyone to know its her birthday and it’s something she wants us to celebrate. It’s just something that she’s happy for.”

It’s certainly a celebration some Phoenix residents want to remember, as they are taking videos and pictures of her surprise appearance.

“When you take a picture of it with a phone you see her hands. You see her head; you see everything.”

Sounds like someone’s robes might be a little too short. Put some panties on for chrissake!

There was another sighting in the Valley – a Scottsdale family snapped a few images of what they say is Jesus with his arms outstretched.

The Rogers family say these images showed up in the stucco of their home about 6 months after moving in.

And they’ve been there ever since.

No word on if they have hundreds of people with nothing better to do with their time milling around at their house. Probably because you can’t “see everything” in the amazing Jesus stucco like you can with the wondrous Virgin Mary water stain.

The news article has a video clip too if you want to see breathless people ooh and ahing over a sidewalk blemish.

Jesus. He’s what’s for breakfast.

He’s at it again. Ever the attention whore Jesus has decided to show up on a South Florida man’s toast:

Troy Eckonen was eating breakfast at Mack’s Cafe in Pompano Beach last Tuesday when he spotted Jesus’ face on his last piece of French toast.

After studying the toast Eckonen says he and friends also see Christ’s left arm raised and holding a cross, as well as two birds over the left shoulder.

Looks more like Frank Zappa to me.

Jesus’ mom shows up in Hospital window.

It seems the Virgin Mary is at it again this time showing up in a hospital window:

Thousands of people have flocked to Mercy Medical Center to see the image since a patient first reported seeing it at about 11 a.m. Tuesday, said Mark Fulco, senior vice president for strategy and marketing at the hospital.

Fulco said that the hospital was planning to replace the window, which was originally put in place in the 1970s when the building was built.

“Obviously, we didn’t change the window out when we heard. … We figure the best thing to do right now is just leave it in place, until it can be fully evaluated and we can get advice” from the diocese of Springfield, he said.

Nobody tampered with the glass or painted anything on the inside or outside, Fulco said. Glass experts have told officials that somehow water got between the two panes of the double-paned glass and the “minerals reacted and caused some type of acidic reaction that appears to have etched the glass,” he said.

“What is unusual is the image that appears to have been etched,” he said. “Many people have said it resembles the Virgin Mary or Our Lady of Guadalupe.” He had no comment on what the image looked like to him.

It’s a faulty window and somehow that’s a miracle? This has to be the worst example of pareidolia I’ve seen in some time. I mean just look at how pathetic this is:

Click to embiggen!

All I can say is that if you see the Virgin Mary in that mess then you’re way more deluded imaginative than I am. For its part the Catholic church is being non-committal:

A spokesman for the diocese said it could take the church years to investigate, but called the faith of local Catholics “inspiring.”

Inspiring? I think the word they’re really looking for is insipid. “Look everyone! A vague and formless blob in a window pane! It MUST be the Virgin Mary! It couldn’t possibly be, say, Jabba the Hut!”

Piss poor Jesus image in slab of granite gets the TBs all excited.

Jesus’ self-portraits have been going downhill for awhile now, but this is just sad. I mean just look at the pathetic excuse for art he’s trying to pass off:

DALLAS (CBS 11 News) ―  Workers at a marble company in Dallas say they have a slab of natural granite that has the image of Jesus in it.

[…] Those who look at the 6×10 foot slab say they can see the head and arms of Jesus, along with either a belt, sword or glowing book.

The company has pulled the slab from its inventory and put it on display.

[…] The company owners say they feel blessed to have the piece and hope to sell it and donate the proceeds to a struggling church in Madill, Oklahoma.

It looks to me like Jesus is trying for the “Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite” look. One of the worst pareidolias of the year. But at least they’re going to donate the money they get from selling this thing. Too bad it’s going to a church and not something useful like curing cancer.

More people blind themselves looking for Jesus’ mom in the Sun.

Is there something about being Catholic that makes people of that particular Christian denomination more stupid gullible than the Protestants? There must be because we keep getting news items like this one:

Indians blinded looking for vision of Mary –

KOTTAYAM, India, March 11 (UPI)—Reports in India of a miraculous image of the Virgin Mary in the sky have led about 50 people to blind themselves by staring at the sun.

The visions are said to appear over the former home of a hotel owner in the Kottayam area in southeast India, The Daily Telegraph reported. One hospital in the district reported 48 patients had been admitted with burned retinas since last week, the British newspaper reported.

Churches have warned their congregations that looking at the sun will cause permanent blindness and have told them the supposed miracle is not one.

Before moving out, the hotel owner reportedly had also claimed to have statues of the Virgin Mary that cried honey and bled oils and perfumes.

If you can’t believe a hotel owner’s claims of miraculous honey-crying statues well then who can you believe? I mean there’s no way in hell they’d make ridiculous claims like that for fame or money, right?

Worst. Pareidolia. Ever.

So what do you see in the tree to the left here? Maybe Jesus? His virgin mom? Maybe a saint? A big bunny rabbit?

Can’t decide? Don’t feel too bad because these people couldn’t decide either, but whatever it is they’re sure it’s divine and enough to get them into the newspaper. They were half right at least:

Ten, maybe 15, people have seen the light-colored outline at the bottom of the tree, Donna and Frank say. They ask each, What do you see?

“I don’t put it in their head, like, ‘Do you want to see something that looks like Christ?’” Donna says.

One person saw a saint. Others have split between Jesus and the Virgin Mary. The light makes a difference. Donna says it’s most obvious between noon and 2 p.m. when the sunlight hits the tree full on. Other times, the figure shifts a little, but it remains, Donna and Frank say.

They don’t know exactly what to make of it. Donna says she was raised Catholic but doesn’t make it to church that often. Still, a certain balance seems to have fallen on the family since the figure appeared, she says. Family illnesses, the trials of everyday life — dealing with everything seems a little more manageable.

“It just kind of brings us back to our roots,” Donna says.

The transformative power of a stain on a tree is simply amazing. “We don’t know what the hell it is, but we sure do feel reassured by it!”

These people would be uplifted by pigeon droppings if they thought they could see Jesus in them.

Jesus’ mom isn’t even trying any more. Puts up piss poor self-portrait.

Family Sees Virgin Mary On Living Room Wall – Portland News Story – WMTW Portland

Donna Quintana, of Meadow Lake, N.M., said it’s a much-needed blessing that appeared right before her family’s eyes Christmas Eve. Her husband saw it first.

“He noticed an image there. He said, ‘That looks like an image of the Virgin Mary,’” Quintana said.

She said the image appeared during a home construction mishap. Quintana said her husband was putting a special texture on the wall. The spray bottle he was using broke twice, which meant the texture couldn’t be wiped off fast enough. This is how it dried.

“I feel like it’s telling us something, like it’s protecting us,” Quintana said. “It’s like a miracle.”

Her family concurs.

“I think God is trying to tell us something, like a message from heaven,” said Mariah Quintana, Donna Quintana’s granddaughter.

You see that pathetic example of pareidolia up there on the left? That’s what passes for a “Christmas Miracle” these days. It’s like the Virgin Mary isn’t even trying in her art anymore. That could be a picture of my big toe for all that it looks like Jesus’ mom, but these True Believers™ are all excited about it. You’d think they’d won the lottery with the way they’re running around ascribing divine intent to a stain on the wall. You’d think a God capable of anything could come up with something a bit more impressive as a sign to his followers that their luck is about to change.

Jesus and his mom team up for special pancake appearance.

So take a close look at the following picture (you can click it for a bigger version) and tell me what you see…

If you’re this nutcase lady in Florida what you see is Jesus and Mary:

Marilyn Smith was making a pancake a couple of weeks ago.

As she was sprinkling it with chocolate powder, the Port St. Lucie woman noticed two figures in the grill marks.

To her and her daughter, they appeared to be Jesus and Mary.

I can’t see it. Maybe some sort of fat headed mutant rabbit, but not Jesus and Mary, but here’s the thing that kills me about this story. They followed in the footsteps of so many other True Believers™ and slapped that puppy up on eBay and some moron out there paid $338 for a FUCKING PANCAKE.

I seriously need to start paying attention to random patterns so I can get in on some of that money makin’ action.

Jesus’ mom puts in an appearance on a garage door.

Virgin Mary Draws Crowds –

Believers say they can see the image of the Virgin Mary on a garage door in Pennsylvania. Word of the Holy Mother’s unexplainable appearance has brought crowds to the city of Minersville to see it. “It’s amazing. It’s really amazing,” said Cecelia Sell who traveled from another county to see the image.

She and her family came to see an image of what they believe is the Blessed Mary, the Mother of God. “I don’t know how to explain it because it just appears before you,” Sell said.

The image appears on a garage door. The image shows up every night around 6:00 and has done so since August 15, the feast of the assumption of mary for Catholics. The reason why is a complete mystery.

Is it just me or are these people way too easily impressed? First we have a Jesus this week that looks like a reject from an old Atari 2600 game on a fence and now we have a Virgin Mary blob on a garage door. What’s even more amazing to me than the credulity of the people gushing over this nonsense is the fact that news crews just lap it up like it’s not just a bunch of delusional people who forgot to take their medication.

If these are the best “miracles” god can come up with, well, let’s just say I’m not all that impressed. You’d think for someone so all-powerful there’d be little need to rely on such vague and amorphous images.