Shocking new study says most Americans don’t make it past 11AM before cursing!

I’m a man of few vices. I don’t smoke, do drugs, and hardly ever drink alcohol. Sex was a bit of a vice in my younger years, but it’s arguably not much of one now. Eating too much and cussin’ are the only vices I tend to partake in these days and I have plenty of company on both counts.

In fact, according to what I am sure was a rigorous scientific study by the researchers at, uh, 9Round Kickbox Fitness most Americans utter their first curse word by 10:54AM. To which I say, “Pfft! Amateurs!

Dude looks pissed. Or constipated. Hard to tell with stock photos. Either way I bet he’s swearing up a storm.

According to their survey, the reason 1 in 4 Americans can’t get past 9AM without dropping an F-bomb or two, is STRESS:

What the @#$%! Americans can’t get through the day without cursing — NYPost.com

[…] financial worry to be the biggest cause of stress and frustration among Americans (56 percent).

Followed by such time-honored stress-contributors like not getting enough sleep (36 percent), health concerns (35 percent) and work (30 percent).

But some Americans are stressed and frustrated about things that one might not expect.

For instance, one in ten (9 percent) listed the environment as a source of stress and frustration for them and four percent actually said the national deficit stresses them out. A curious three percent said they’ve been stressed about the national deficit within the past week.

The bar is low, as even something as mundane as slow wifi is enough to send 52 percent of Americans into a tizzy of frustration.

Let me just say right here, stress is the least of the reasons I cuss. Sometimes I just fucking feel like it.

Sure, I don’t shy away from swearing up a storm when I’m stressed and frustrated — you just have to watch me play Call of Duty multiplayer for a short time to see that truth borne out — but being upset about something is not a requirement. For me, cuss words are much like parsley on a fancy dinner plate: Totally unnecessary, but a nice garnish to fucking drive a point home.

Out of curiosity, why did the folks at 9Round Kickbox Fitness feel the need to get all scientifical about why people swear?

“People of all ages face stress every day and it can be difficult to find effective and healthy ways to cope,” said Shannon Hudson, CEO and founder of 9Round Kickbox Fitness. “While listening to music or watching TV can be relaxing, one of the best ways to reduce tension is through regular exercise because it improves both physical health and overall well-being. When you are physically and mentally strong, you are better equipped to handle life’s frustrations.”

[…] “We understand busy schedules and limited time constraints that’s why at 9Round we don’t offer set class times,” added Shannon. “Members are welcome to complete our 30-minute kickboxing circuit on their own schedule and get a great, stress-relieving workout seven days a week. Our workouts change daily and you can burn up to 500 calories each session.”

Ah ha! It’s a fucking sales pitch! Feeling stressed? Cussin’ at your kids too goddamned much? Come down to 9Round and learn to KICK THE SHIT OUT OF STRESS!!

They even made a sweet as hell infographic for the article so the folks at the New York Post could pretend they were engaging in real journalism instead of a big ad disguised as journalism which I’m sure they didn’t receive any compensation for from the folks at 9Round Kickbox Fitness. It’s a damned good thing we have companies like 9Round looking out for our moral well being by giving us a way to avoid swearing like a sailor the next time the WiFi goes down.

Unless, you know, you really fucking want to.

SEB Musical Interlude: Jonathan Coulton’s “First of May”

If you’ve not heard this before — I’m pretty sure I post this when I remember it — you may want to wear headphones or wait till you get home. It’s a tad NSFW:

And now another musical interlude.

Ladies and gentlemen, Luciano Rosso:

 

Big breasted mannequins looking for good homes.

Retired electrician Mike Martin was a dedicated hobbyist and collector. What he collected were old department store mannequins which he restored and, um, enhanced. Specifically, he gave them boob jobs and then dressed them in various fashions and gave them names. Mike recently passed away and his amazingly tolerant wife is selling off his collection of 60 big breasted mannequins to anyone willing to take them:

Stingl: Retired electrician created mass of mannequins

“Some people are making fun of it online. But everybody collects something,” said Rich Ranft of Beloit Auction & Realty and a longtime neighbor of the Martins.

“Whenever he heard there was a mannequin for sale, he’d go get it. They had a small Ford or whatever it was, and he would strap them to the top or put them in the backseat, wherever he could put them,” Rich said.

Then Mike would rely on his skill in automotive body work to repair and paint the figures. He used Bondo, the fix for rusted-out fenders, to augment the mannequins’ breasts until they were the size of cantaloupes.

“If you’ve seen them, obviously you can tell he was very into big-busted women, to say the least,” Mike’s daughter, Lisa Erspamer of Wauwatosa, said with a laugh.

Here’s a sample of his work:

bbmannequins

If nothing else you have to admire his skill at making those breasts look like they were there from the beginning.

The news article linked above has quite a few more pictures if you’re curious. Mike was devoted to his unusual hobby:

Mike and Maxine granted an interview to the Beloit Daily News in 2007. They said the collection began about 10 years earlier. Mike said he preferred the hobby to watching television. He became an expert on the history of mannequins and could tell you where and when each one was made.

Each restoration took four or five days, Mike told reporter Julie Becker. Some were made to look like celebrities such as Sophia Loren, Rita Hayworth and Elvira. Maxine said she was glad to see her husband busy, though he rarely asked for her fashion advice.

Now the natural inclination would be to make fun of this fellow for buying old mannequins and enlarging their breasts before dressing them up, but I find him to be a bit of a kindred spirit. Over the years I’ve collected clocks and hats and various anime related crap and otter figurines and video games and other total wastes of time and money. Hell, in some circles I’m sure Mike Martin would be considered an artist of sorts which is more than can be said for any of the stuff I’ve collected over the years. His family appears to have been tolerant of his quirky obsession and he clearly wasn’t harming anyone. If it brought a little bit of happiness into his life then all the better.

If you think owning one of these might bring a little happiness into your life then you’ll be happy to know the online auction runs for a couple more days yet, though you’ll have to drive to Beloit, WI to pick it up as they won’t ship them. Outfits and accessories will be shipped if you wish. Just imagine how one of these tastefully posed in your living room or den would act as a conversation starter at your next party!

Spotted at the local Meijer store.

ballerinabatman

Nature show host Coyote Peterson attacked by playful ocelot.

Coyote Peterson hosts a nature show on YouTube called Breaking Trail. Recently they were filming at night down in Costa Rica looking for snakes and other creepy crawlies when they had a close encounter with a young ocelot that took an interest in what they were up to. Here’s what happened:

Peterson ended up with a few scratches and nips, but was otherwise unharmed. Right now this ocelot is still young, but a full-grown one can do some serious damage. This one is known for frequenting the trail and not being afraid of humans so hopefully she doesn’t become a problem when she hits maturity.

China has an amazing non-firework fireworks display.

Fireworks originated in China so it’s easy to see why they’d be a big deal there, but back at the beginning they were reserved for rich people to enjoy. What do you do when you live in a poor rural part of the country, but still want to ring in the Chinese New Year? Well, you get the local blacksmith to put on a show by hurling molten metal on the city’s wall:

This is amazing both for its beauty and its absurdity. My favorite part of it is the fact that the blacksmith holds no illusions about how stupidly dangerous this is and makes no grandiose claims that it’s the most beautiful form of fireworks. Just that, hey, we’ve been doing this for 500 years so why not?

It’s an office disaster waiting to happen.

As I mentioned on an earlier post, Halloween was a bust in terms of seeing any kids in costume. The last thing we need is to keep a shitload of candy in the house considering that neither of us should be eating it. What to do?

Inflict it on my office-mates, natch! This is what the coffee station at work looks like this morning:

Tremble at the sight of Candy Mountain!

Tremble at the sight of Candy Mountain!

I’m a little worried I may be responsible for multiple diabetic comas today so if you see me on the evening news, well, this would be why.

Games I’m Looking Forward To: “Call of Duty: Black Ops 3”

Call me the eternal optimist, but despite how disappointing the last iteration of the CoD series turned out to be, I’m still hopeful that the next one will be an improvement. Event if it isn’t, you gotta give Activision credit for putting together a cool commercial for it:

The wait is almost over. It’ll drop this Friday, November 6th.

Finally, definitive proof of ghosts.

Normally I’m fairly skeptical of paranormal phenomena, but this is so convincing that I must admit that ghosts are real. How anyone can watch this and not be convinced is beyond my understanding.

I mean, just look at it:

ghostcaughtoncamera