So, we have a new President and a new, historic, Vice President in the form of Joe Biden and Kamla Harris. After four long years of Trump making a mess of things, this change is pretty wonderful. However, it is not the most wonderful thing to come out of this most recent election. No, that would be the endless memes of Bernie Sanders and his ever so practical knitted mittens sitting in a chair looking like he’d wish everyone would get this inauguration nonsense over with so he can get back to doing the people’s work. Bernie’s a no-nonsense kind of guy which is why all the nonsense that comes out of a simple picture of him is so amazing.
Take, for example, this one:
Here’s another good one:
Here’s a few more of my favorites:
Those mittens, by the way, were made and gifted to him by Vermont teacher Jen Ellis:
Personally, I was content to allow others to have all the fun with mixing Bernie into various situations and pop culture references, but then my buddy Greg hit me up on Messenger this morning.
Surely, I thought, someone must have done this already, but Google searches returned the rarely seen message: “It looks like there aren’t many great matches for your search.”
What? That’s such an obvious idea. How could no one have done this already? Why, there’s even a good caption to put on it to complete the meme. The more I thought of it the more it itched at the back of my brain.
Now, I am not the greatest image manipulator in the world. I barely now how to work the Paint.net application I use these days. I still have a copy of my all-time favorite editor, Photo Impact, but it’s old as dirt and barely runs under Windows 10 and I have never mastered, let alone could afford, Photoshop. Still, I sat down to see what I could manage to whip up and I’m quite pleased with the results.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Bernvros!
I would like to immediately apologize for putting this image into your heads, but I had to share the pain. Thanks, Greg.
One of the reasons I have an artificial tree is to avoid the hassle of getting rid of a live tree after the holidays are over. Granted, a lot of cities offer free curbside tree pickup these days or low-cost disposal at the local dump, but for those who don’t and who can’t just drag it out to the back of their property and toss it into the woods, there’s no quick and easy way to deal with it.
One option you might have if you have a fireplace in your home is to toss it in there. This is not generally recommended for several reasons, but if you’re going to go that route you should probably consider chopping it up first.
According to the McKinney Fire Department, officials responded to a call about a structure fire in the 4400 block of Rancho Del Norte Trail.
Officials said firefighters arrived to find that a Christmas tree had been placed into a home fireplace.
Only the top of the tree was in the fire, so the flames traveled down the tree and out of the fireplace, officials said.
Damage was minimal, but one person was treated for smoke inhalation. The really sad part of this is that the town of McKinney offers Christmas tree composting services and will even pick up your tree for free.
I love that they have to tell people to remove their lights and ornaments from the tree. You know that means someone tried to have them pick up a tree with all of that still on it at some point in the past.
Learn from the stupidity of others. Don’t do this.
Browsing through Facebook this morning as I am often wont to do, I came across this meme that left me so outraged that I had to blog about it. The shoddiness of the research is mind blowing and I could not allow this injustice to stand.
Dick is the best they could come up with? I mean, come on, Dick is a literal ghost town. A former lumber settlement that had a postal stop and a railway station and not much of anything else. The post office closed in 1906 and the place has been dead ever since.
What about Climax, Michigan? Now that’s a lewd name. I remember that I was driving along I-96 from Lansing to Detroit to pick up my paycheck — it’s a long story I won’t go into now — and I passed a sign that said, “CLIMAX 1¼ MILES” and all I could think was that at 70 MPH that just wasn’t enough time.
At least Climax is still kicking with a population of around 783 (est.) as of last year. Then there’s Butman, MI, population 1,967. That’s a classic right there.
Ironwood, pop. 4,936, sounds fairly lewd.
Here’s a few more for your consideration: Frankenlust, pop 3,514, sounds like a Mary Shelly porn novel.
Beaver Township, pop. 2,801, BEAVER FREAKIN’ TOWNSHIP! NEED I SAY MORE?
Mount Haley, pop. 1,650, not exactly lewd until you think about it.
Clam Union, pop. 893, CLAM UNION? WHY NOT JUST NAME IT SCISSORS AND BE DONE WITH IT??
None of them, however, can top Felch, Michigan. Population 734. Dick simply cannot compete with Felch for title of most lewd city name in Michigan. You may need to use Google to find out why Felch is such a lewd name, but you may regret doing so. Proceed at your own discretion.
Perhaps the meme maker skipped this obvious choice because they had already included Felchville for the state of Massachusetts, but I still say this is a far better choice than Dick. Dick is so pedestrian and overused that I don’t think it even qualifies as lewd anymore.
Bonus lewd non-city name: One of my favorite highway signs in Michigan is the exit from I-75 to Troy, MI, one of the suburbs of Detroit. I know I’ve mentioned this before on SEB, but this is so perfect that it cannot have been by accident. This had to be planned.
So you’ve probably had this video pop up on your Facebook newsfeed a few times now and you’re wondering what the hell is going on:
Is this really an example of something women can do that men can’t? Well, technically, it’s not a fair fight.
This is an issue of where the center of mass and the fulcrum point is when you bend over. Most men have bigger feet than most women so they are a bit further back from the wall when they bend over. That shifts where their center of mass is away from the fulcrum point and that makes it impossible for men to lift the chair. You’ll note that most of the men are leaning forward to put their head on the wall so their legs are at an angle whereas most of the women’s legs aren’t. It’s only a few centimeters at most, but it’s enough to make all the difference.
If you match a man’s positioning to where most women end up then we can do it just as easily. If you move a woman’s feet to match where a typical man’s feet would end up then they can’t lift the chair either. You can see this tested in this video from Science Mom:
This also isn’t new. It seems like it pops up every so often over the years and goes viral for a bit and then everyone forgets about it until the next time someone pulls it out. It was really big on YouTube in 2009 for awhile, but you can find examples pre-YouTube such as the sitcom All in the Family back on the February 9th, 1971 episode. I was 3 years old when it aired:
It’s a cute trick that’s been around for a long time, but it’s not a big mystery. How baffled someone is by it is a good indicator of their science literacy.
It’s that day again. The day of pranks and mischief where everyone tries to pull one over on you. Tech companies in particular really seem to enjoy this day and go to extra lengths to put forth almost believable fake products.
I could totally use one of these for the RageConverter™ technology alone. The Troll Destroyer would also be nice.
Then there’s Newegg with their announcement of their entry into hardware production with their first CPU for gamers that continues the current trend of putting RGB lighting on everything. The Newegg iBrite RGB CPU:
It’s not clear how you’re supposed to see the RGB lights once you put a heatsink on it, but the specs of this processor more than make up for it: Cores: 100 — Threads: 200 — DDR5 RAM support: Sure, probably — Base clock: 1.4 PHz — Overclock capable, but doing so might create a small black hole inside your CPU (and void your warranty).
Logitech has given in to demands to rename Wireless Mice to a more appropriate mammal considering that they lack “tails.” Announce they will now be called Hamsters:
Google is excited to introduce their newest product: Google Tulip! Decoding the language of flowers has been a decades-long challenge. But that changes today. Thanks to great advancements in artificial intelligence, Google Assistant on phones and Google Home is now able to understand tulips, allowing translation between Tulipish and dozens of human languages.
If you want to try for yourself, set your Google Assistant on your phone or smart speaker to the English language and say “Talk to Tulip Translator”. Yes, they went through the trouble to add this to the Google AI. I tried it. It works. This is some serious above and beyond for the sake of a joke.
Gotta admit, the amount of work some of these companies put into their pranks is impressive and I do look forward to this each year. However, I can imagine that for some folks the day is a nightmare.
Did you know you can buy mannequins on Amazon.com? I didn’t until I read a follow up news article about the guy who is protesting a city order to lower the height of his fence. I suppose I should explain how this particular revelation came to me and why I give a shit.
So this guy by the name of Jason Windus in Santa Rosa, California built a six-foot fence around his yard so that he could let his dogs outside without them running all over hell’s half-acre, but he lives on a corner lot and his city has an ordinance that says you can’t have a fence that blocks the view of drivers at an intersection and one of his neighbors complained so he had to lower part of his fence to 36 inches. It’s probably worth mentioning that this wasn’t a chain-link fence but a wooden slat fence, hence the obstructing the view of drivers issue.
Then things took a dramatic turn overnight as someone(s) in the neighborhood stole two of the naked mannequins from Windus protest scene!
Late Wednesday night, Windus heard what he thought was “some kids having fun” outside his house on Peterson Lane. Those revelers, he believes, made off with a mannequin who’d been outfitted with a blond wig, leopard print eye mask and nothing else.
The following morning, a second female mannequin was missing. In their haste to get away, the thieves apparently jostled the life-like figure, whose right leg fell off. The wayward limb spent the night on the sidewalk.
Windus blames the thefts on the city order to lower part of his fence to 36 inches, KGO reported. He had outfitted a mannequin with an army-style helmet to serve as a guard, but that apparently failed to deter the thieves, Windus said.
Despite the mannequins gone missing in action, Windus says he’s not giving up on his protest, The Press Democrat reports. He replaced the lost partiers with three other mannequins he had in storage, and has ordered two more from Amazon.
My first thought was “What the shit?? You can buy mannequins on Amazon?!?” Whereupon I immediately went to Amazon and searched for “mannequin” and — HOLY SHIT! — not only do they have them, BUT THEY’RE CHEAP TOO! $50 for a complete mannequin?? I may have to start my own garden party!
This is relevant to my interests because of Ralph. Ralph is my Security Mannequin. I picked him up way back when I did a stint as a part-time retail worker at a Meijer store for a second job in my early 20’s. They were going to toss him into a dumpster and I stepped in and gave him a proper home. It’s got to be at least 30 years now that he’s been a constant presence in the background of my life. When I moved into the apartment in Canton back in 1998 he sat on the half-wall that separated the stairway up from the front door from the living room area. He wears one of my old Les’s Place BBS t-shirts and one of my many hats. His job there was to stare with dead eyes down the stairs and startle folks coming up from the front door, which he did often.
These days he sits on the bar in the basement wondering when someone is going to pour him a goddamn drink. Amazingly enough, in all this time, I’ve never taken a direct picture of him. I have tons of pictures where parts of him are visible in the background, but the best I can do is this heavily cropped shot from the Christmas before last:
As you can see, Ralph lacks arms and, more importantly, anything below the waist. That hasn’t stopped him from loyally guarding my home from intruders by lurking in the background and being a little creepy. I would really like to have at least gotten him some arms by now, but I’ve never taken the time to actually do so. I’ve also thought about trying to find him a female companion and, thanks to Amazon, that reality is within reach! Why, I could have a whole mannequin army now!
Now that I think about it, my wife might object to that idea so I guess it’ll have to wait. The world is safe from my legions of fiberglass minions… for now. In the meantime I’ll have to take a proper picture of Ralph when I get home tonight.
I may never take advantage of Amazon’s offerings of cheap mannequins, but the fact that I could is somewhat amazing to me. When I stop to really think about it, this probably shouldn’t be so surprising to me. I’m sure this has been a possibility for a long, long time. I mean, you’ve been able to buy a 50 gallon drum of lube from Amazon for years now, so why wouldn’t you be able to buy a mannequin? (I just know that search query is going to cause no end of amusing emails from Amazon on “things you might be interested in!”) The only reason I didn’t know about it before was because it never occurred to me to search for it. All these years of loneliness for Ralph and all I had to do was check on Amazon.
One county over from where I live here in Southeast Michigan is the city of Sterling Heights. Apparently this past January they completed a sculpture in the median of M59/Hall road near Lakeside Mall to commemorate what they call the “Golden Corridor” because it has a shit ton of businesses along it. The sculpture is of a big golden ring and below is a picture of it.
It’s your typical, innocuous, modern sculpture the likes of which dot various public lands in any number of midwestern cities. So, naturally, someone dubbed it “The Golden Butthole of Macomb County” and set up a Facebook page on its behalf. Much to the annoyance of the city council of Sterling Heights the name has stuck. So they’ve set out to do something about it!
Namely, they’re holding an official Name The Golden Corridor Icon contest on their Facebook page — because the saga of Boaty McBoatface has apparently taught no one anything — and are giving away a crap load of gift cards to local businesses to the winner.
Hey! Have you noticed anything new lately on Hall Road?
Kidding, kidding. Of course you have! And while we prefer to keep things PG around here, we have heard of the golden ring icon’s… unsavory nickname. (Do you all kiss your mom with that mouth?)
The City of Sterling Heights is launching an OFFICIAL NAMING CONTEST for the golden ring icon — and we have some pretty fun incentives for the winners! Businesses along the Golden Corridor have donated more than $1,000 in gift cards to be given away to the winner of the contest! Be a part of history and help us name the golden ring icon. Because, like it or not, this thing ain’t going anywhere, people.
So far it’s not going too well. The majority of comments consist either of people saying it already has a name or that it’s a WASTE OF TAXPAYER MONEY AND YOU SUCK! Or it’s a lot of variations on Golden Butthole such as Gilded Anus and The Golden Cornhole Corridor. One guy by the name of Scott commented “Petition to move the Joe Louis fist to the Golden Butthole”, but someone over on The Golden Butthole of Macomb County Facebook page was way ahead of him with this Photoshop:
Wonder what it would be like to fly through a Golden Butthole? Dougie Mac has you covered:
The total cost of the sculpture, along with two smaller welcome signs that have small versions of the sculpture, and electrical work for lighting came out to around $442,500. Sterling Heights is the fourth largest city in Michigan so it’s probably not a huge knock to their budget even if some residents think the money would’ve been better spent elsewhere.
To be fair, butthole is not the first thing that came to my mind when I saw it and there are certainly worse pieces of public art to be found in various cities. Canton, which is right next door to where I live in Westland, has tons of sculptures on corners along Ford road all of which I think are probably worth more as scrap metal than as suburban beautification, but I’m not an art critic either. The Mayor of Sterling Heights, Michael Taylor, is hopeful that this rebranding will help draw attention and boost businesses and attract new residents.