Look! It’s a pole! It’s a plant! IT’S JESUS CHRIST!

He photosynthesized for your sins...

What do you see when you look at the picture on the right? I see a telephone pole being slowly choked to death by Kudzu, a particularly troublesome plant native to Japan and China that has been clogging up the American South since 1876.

But if you’re Kent Hardison then you see the Son of God:

Kent Hardison, who runs Ma’s Hotdog House less than a half mile from the pareidolia, rides by the Christ-resembling post each day. He said when he first saw the kudzu growing he almost sprayed it with herbicide.

“I glanced at it, and it looks like Jesus,” Hardison said. “I thought, ‘You can’t spray Jesus with Roundup.’ ”

via Plant growth on telephone pole resembles Jesus | jesus, pole, kudzu – Kinston Free Press.

Relax, Kent, if it’s really Jesus then he’ll be back in three days anyway.

Seriously, the standard for what counts as a vision of Jesus has really gone down hill if this is enough to get people all excited. If you want to be charitable then you might say it resembles a cross, but even that’s stretching it. Looks more like a dagger with a broken handle if you ask me.

Hardison said he shook off the likeness of Jesus the first time he noticed the utility pole growth.

“I just thought it was my imagination,” he said. “I thought I was crazy the first time I saw it and it resembled Jesus.”

It is just your imagination. It’s a fucking plant on a fucking pole and you are crazy if you thinks it’s anything more than that. Much like this lady:

Michelle Davis, who lives in Sandy Bottom, said she first noticed the pole last Thursday, after her husband told her about it.

She called the kudzu Jesus “ironic,” considering crime levels throughout the county.

“Maybe it’s a sign of the times,” she said while picking up lunch at Ma’s. “There’s been a lot going on in this area.”

Hardison agreed, “Maybe he’s looking out for us.”

Really? He’s looking out for you by arranging an invasive plant in a vaguely cross-like shape on a random telephone pole? What is it supposed to be? A divine attempt at a ghillie suit? “They’ll never see me watching them from up here in these vines!”

Surely Jesus could come up with a more effective way of helping with the crime problem in that area. Or so you’d think if that was really him. I say we soak it in Roundup and see if it comes back to life in three days. It’s the only way to be sure.

10 thoughts on “Look! It’s a pole! It’s a plant! IT’S JESUS CHRIST!

  1. Given that modern, presumably literate Christians are so prone to seeing Jesus in nearly anything (clouds, tacos, their dog’s rear end, plants) it is not really all that surprising that ancient, illiterate Christians thought they saw visions of him resurrected.

  2. How far is this from that field in Georgia where people gather every month because they think the Virgin Mary is going to appear?

  3. Relax, Kent, if it’s really Jesus then he’ll be back in three days anyway.

    “They’ll never see me watching them from up here in these vines!”

    AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Snort

  4. I don’t think Roundup will do the job here. After all, Monsanto routinely genetically manipulates the seeds it patents and sells to be resistant to Roundup, and God has already demonstrated that He’s capable of genetic manipulation too- otherwise, how could Jesus have been a man without a Y chromosome? My bet is that Jesus is also divinely protected against Roundup- God probably had Monsanto do the work for Him.

  5. Pingback: Stolen From the Blogosphere… « Café Philos: an internet café

  6. Relax, Kent, if it’s really Jesus then he’ll be back in three days anyway.

    Great line. I may borrow it in future conversations with believers.

  7. You should check out the bus tours organized in Florida (can’t remember what whacko preacher runs it, sorry), on the “Jesus Trail”. Trees, plants, rocks, buildings, plants, animals, shellfish, fruits, nuts, veggies, mosses, fungi and slime molds etc. in the shape of different Christian figures, some of which “weep”, “communicate”, and/or “grant wishes or miracles”. Most of which for some reason are inland from the beach front areas of the northwest and southwest, and central and north central parts of the state, commonly known as ‘cracker country’. I remember people going batshit crazy over some petrified panther scat that was supposedly in the shape of the Madonna and Christ child as painted by one of the Italian Renaissance school……gave a whole new meaning to the phrase “Holy Shit!”…..lmao! There was also a case where a woman found a donut, (one of those ‘fritter’ types), that resembled the head of Jesus with a crown of thorns, (and I can imagine seeing that somewhat, if one was already inclined or looking for things of that nature….all the folds and wrinkles are like a Rorschach ink blot test anyway….lol), and her husband came out of the double-wide, (what else….lol), EATING it, as she was on the lawn with the local TV news crew who were about to film it! (Slow news days in Fla. can be very enlightening!…….lol) I think they got video of her KOing him with a driftwood cypress root in the shape of Judas Iscariot………..lol. Both of these were around the time of Hurricane Andrew in 1992, which left a whole slew of sightings of storm wrought objects, large and small, depicting JC and his posse etc.

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