Gov. Perry asks Texans to pray for rain. God says “fuck you.”

Pic of Jesus flipping the bird.

Don't you understand? Those wildfires are part of my ineffable plan!

If you’ve been paying attention to the news then you’ve probably heard that Texas has been on fire, literally, for over a week now. With some 8,000 wildfires, the state is breaking records it would rather not in terms of yearly wildfires. So naturally Governor Rick Perry sprang into decisive action to deal with this ongoing crisis. What did he do, you ask? Did he rollback the cuts to fire departments that he and the Republican legislators had worked so hard on and then go a step further and supply emergency funding to train more firemen?

Nothing so useful. Instead, he opted to do the least useful thing possible: He asked Texans to pray for rain:

Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R) has declared “the three-day period from Friday, April 22, 2011, to Sunday, April 24, 2011, as Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas.”

And in a proclamation issued today, Perry says “I urge Texans of all faiths and traditions to offer prayers on that day for the healing of our land, the rebuilding of our communities and the restoration of our normal and robust way of life.”

As Perry notes, “Texas is in the midst of an exceptional drought, with some parts of the state receiving no significant rainfall for almost three months, matching rainfall deficit records dating back to the 1930s.”

And, more than 8,000 wildfires “have cost several lives, engulfed more than 1.8 million acres of land and destroyed almost 400 homes.”

Because that strategy worked so well in 2007 for Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue. The only way he could have been less useful is if he’d stuck his thumbs up his ass and sang a hosanna.

God, in his non-existent way, gave a big Fuck You to Texas by dumping so much rain on other parts of the country that the levees in parts of Missouri have failed putting towns at risk of severe flooding. Oh, and as a added treat, he also smashed the living shit out of several states with multiple tornadoes just for the fun of it.

Granted, some parts of Texas did see a little rain fall on Monday which did help ease some of the trouble, but they’re already being warned that this week could see a whole new set of fresh blazes breaking out:

Marq Webb, a public information officer with the Texas Forest Service, told msnbc.com Monday that a “dry line” of weather, with winds of 50 mph and low humidity, was expected to move across the state from the south-west Monday.

He said people living west of a line from the Dallas-Forth Worth area to Del Rio should be prepared to evacuate at short notice.

The fresh outbreak of fires was expected after the weather gave a brief respite.

“We’ve had a few days of relief on many of the large fires we have been working on,” Webb told msnbc.com by phone. “We have been able to make a lot of progress on containment and control on a number of large fires over the last few days.”

“However, a dry line will push in from the west today (Monday) … It’s an extremely critical day. The next three days through Wednesday are going to be critical weather days,” he added.

“We’re gearing up to go back to new fires,” Webb said, adding: “If people are told to evacuate, they don’t need to question that, they just need to evacuate.”

That God is such a kidder! Here, have a little rainfall in answer to your prayers! Wait, I forgot that had to go to Missouri so here, have a new batch of wildfires instead!

With that kind of help, perhaps they should be praying that God doesn’t intervene. Or, better yet, perhaps they should reconsider slashing the funding for firefighters in Texas.

Naaaahhhh, that would require spending money when it’s so much more easy (and profitable) just to pray.

5 thoughts on “Gov. Perry asks Texans to pray for rain. God says “fuck you.”

  1. Sadly, in Dallas it rained all weekend which means that means that some people are going to be convinced that it worked.

  2. The request is probably still in His divine inbox. When He uncovers it, He’ll grant rain. And because He feels bad about the delay, He’ll grant maybe 8 inches of it in 6 hours. And again the next day. And the day after that.

  3. This reminds me of the old joke: “Think it’ll rain?” “Usually does, sooner or later”. But unfortunately, some people don’t understand why this is a joke.

  4. God damn, yelling at the world is fun isnt it?
    I do it on my facebook account, but I dont have very many friends. Some even left.
    I want to yell at the world too, but dont have the energy right now to create a blog of my own, then get enough readers.

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