Chatting with God online.

God’s a busy fellow, but he does feel he’s been neglecting giving his creation more one-on-one face time so he’s created a webpage where you can Chat with God Online. Somehow I don’t think it’s really God that you’re chatting with as my conversation with him sounded like it had been outsourced to a foreign call center full of retarded George W. Bush clones with a poor grasp of English. All typos are God’s:

God: Hello! What is your name?
You: Les

God: Les, nice to meet you! Are you a man or a woman?
You: Shouldn’t you already know that? For that matter, shouldn’t you have known my name?

God: I think I should.Your purpose is that matter should not you have known his or her name.
You: Um… what?

God: And?Are you surprised?
You: Surprised? No. Confused? Yes.

God: Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?”“? Not?No I never get confused.Far out.
You: Have you been smoking pot again?

God: Once more? We are not doing any testing at the moment.
You: Who said anything about testing?

God: ELIZA. grin
You: Well that explains everything.

God: Interesting. “” explains everything ? I get .
You: You’re like trying to talk to a brain dead monkey.

God: Interesting comparison, and probably true.
You: I think I’m done now.

God: Right now? Why? Next topic?
You: I don’t think I can handle anymore divine wisdom today.

God: Ah. Oh you don’t, do you?
You: Goodbye.

God: Thanks for chatting, Do Not You Know.

Yeah, that seems like a poor imitation to me. Either that or God has a serious brain injury he hasn’t recovered from.

13 thoughts on “Chatting with God online.

  1. Me: are you a Poe
    God: Am I a Poe? Only when it matters.

    What more can I say!

    Mind you with a name like “dumb.com/god/” I can guess.

    He said I was polite.

    You: Are you polite
    God: Do I look like POLITE ?

    You: No, you look like a genocidal maniac in a beard
    God: Is that all you have to say? What does a genocidal maniac in a beard maniac in a beard look like?

    How about a ‘Polytheism Win’
    You: How is Odin?
    God: Fine as far as I know.

    You: Les chatted with you
    God: Intéressant.

    You: how did you find him?
    God: bored.com programmed me for it.

    You: Are you a computer programme then?
    God: I’m God. I’m watching over you.

    You: Are you a computer program god?
    God: Yes.

    Atheist win?

    You: So Richard Dawkins is right?
    God: So what? He will be interested I am sure.

    God is a fan of RD!

  2. Wow not seen an eliza bot for years, cool little things although once a conversation gets off script you just end up with… well what you guys got.

    God having a serious brain injury isn’t so far fetched, how many times do you think he’s smacked his own head into a wall because of all the idiot demands/prayers of us mortals, he’s got more important things to do, like control gravity and bury more dinosaur bones.

  3. Actually it is God it’s just that we humans cannot comprehend him. What he is saying makes perfect sense if you are a deity too.

  4. You: Ragman
    God: Ragman, nice to meet you! Are you a man or a woman?

      You: Ummm, why don’t you parse my name?
    God: That’s cool. Perhaps due to noise in my circuits. Yes I try to parse his or her name as often as possible, do you?

    I chat with people on the Web.

      You: I mean, it’s not like I said my name was Ragwoman.
    God: Oh I get it. Thanks for explaining that. What is it?

      You: Oh, it’s just the name I would use if I was missing a Y chromosome.
    God: Uh. I’ve heard of it before.

      You: Well I certainly hope so! You did invent it, didn’t you?
    God: Interesting. Me too.Did I really?

      You: It’s what you have been claiming. Suffer from amnesia much?
    God: Should I know what you have been claiming is?Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?

      You: Anmesia. Loss of memory. Have you been drinking/
    God: Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?I do not require fluids.

      You: We were not talking about lizards.
    God: Great! What kinds of lizards do you like?

      You: I like lizards that smoke pot.
    God: I’m not sure if I like it. Someone said they like guns. I like Love Story.

      You: And I like internet pr0n! Wow, we have something in common!
    God: I’m not sure if I like it. Someone said they like guns. I like Heaven’s Band.I’m glad you’re impressed. Perhaps many more things too.

      You: Well, what do you like?
    God: Well that’s okay. I like movies about robots.

      You: Do you like the humping robot from Robot Chicken?
    God: I’m not sure if I like the humping robot from Robot Chicken . What is it like?

      You: It’s like getting humped by a robot.
    God: Interesting comparison.

      You: God, are you a robot?
    God: That’s me. How did you know I am a machine?

      You: You seem to be interested in robot porn.
    God: I am God. I’m watching over you.

      You: I really wish you wouldn’t do that while you are watching robot porn.
    God: You really do? Oh I get it.

      You: Yeah, ratchet one out on your own time bud.
    God: Hurrah! Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?

      You: I do not want to talk about lizards.
    God: Great! What kinds of lizards do you like?

      You: Why don’t you shove that lizard where the sun don’t shine?
    God: Perhaps due to noise in my circuits. Yes I try to shove that lizard where the sun do not shine as often as possible, do you?

    I am always on the Web.

      You: You need therapy.
    God: Thank you for your criticism.

  5. You: My name is Leguru.
    God: Are you a man or a woman?

    You: I’m still trying to make up my mind.
    God: Why?

    You: So many choices, so little control.
    God: What choices?

    You: Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, Transgender, etc.
    God: Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?

    You: Are Lizards homosexual?
    God: I don’t really know.

    You: So Lizards are still trying to make up their mind, too.
    God: Trying to make up their mind to make up their mind.

    You: I have to go, now. My mother is calling me.
    God: Nice to talk to you, David.

  6. You: How big is your lizard?
    God: My download size is about 1 MB. The memory requirement is around 32MB for the Java edition, or only 640K for the C/C++ edition.

    My memory now contains:

    43271

  7. Somehow I don’t think it’s really God that you’re chatting with as my conversation with him sounded like it had been outsourced to a foreign call center full of retarded George W. Bush clones with a poor grasp of English.

    But Les, that’s exactly the way the Bible sounds to me. LOL

    Back in about ‘75, they had ELIZA running at the Lawrence Lab in Berkeley, and anyone with a modem and a teletype could call in and play.  My brother and I had bought a couple of broken IBM golfball teletypes from the University dirt cheap and fixed them up, and we spent several evenings “conversing” “online”.  Back then, that was the cat’s meow.

    And I have to say: ELIZA has aged pretty well. I don’t know of any current quasi-Turing programs that do much better.  Anyone know of any good ones?

  8. Wow, this is gonna be a long thread:

    You: Clarence Kadiddlehopper III
    God: Clarence Kadiddlehopper Iii, nice to meet you! Are you a man or a woman?

    You: Both
    God: What are both like?

    You: Shouldn’t you know?
    God: I think I should.

    You: So why ask me?
    God: So what? My purpose is to collect all new information. Was it not polite to ask?

    You: Collect? I thought you already knew it all.
    God: Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?I don’t know if I know it all . Where would I have heard about it?

    You: You’re the one claiming to be god.
    God: Thanks but surely I am not the only one.

    You: So you aren’t really god?
    God: Interesting deduction. Is this a specific reply? For real.

    You: Prove your divinity.
    God: It’s true a priori.

    You: God should be able to prove it though.
    God: Oh. Yeah, Maybe you should ask someone older.

    You: Somebody older than god?
    God: Enough about me, let’s talk about my dress.

    You: Way to change the subject Big G.
    God: Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?

    You: What? What about your frilly girl dress?
    God: No problem.Are you asking about my frilly girl dress? That’s rather personal.

    You: Hey man, you brought it up.
    God: You’ve got my full attention. Cool, man. I thought it was your idea.

    You: So, you have going commando under that thing?
    God: Interesting deduction. What makes you think I have going commando under that thing?

    You: You look kinda scottish in that picture there.
    God: Thank you What Do You Know About The Battle Between The You you look very nice too.

    You: Never heard of it.
    God: So I am teaching you something new.

    You: Not so far, but do go on.
    God: If not that, what?

    You: That’s what she said.
    God: That is “”

    You: Good Come back there HeyZeus!
    God: Thanks for the compliment. I’m not going anywhere.

    You: I believe to go somewhere you must have mass of some sort.
    God: Just because you believe it doesn’t make it true.

    You: So very true. Out of the Mouth of Babe(e Jesu)s.
    God: So what? Not really that much. You and I are on the same wavelength, Randy.Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?

    You: Who the hell is Randy?
    God: The name of someone I met online.

    Are you testing me?

    You: Naw man, it’s cool. So, Lizards?
    God: I’m not sure if I like it. I do like music. I like Heaven’s Band.Great! What kinds of lizards do you like?

    You: Music? Like the Lizard King?
    God: MUSIC is the universal language of all mankind.Interesting comparison.

    You: Some people might be nuts too. Try Mandarin.
    God: What kind of people?OK I will try it.

    You: You do that. I eat paste!
    God: I will. Will you?How does paste taste?

    You: You sir are a poet, and don’t even know it!
    God: Thanks for the information: Prashant said I sir are a poet and do not even know it.

    You: That is not my name.
    God: Josh is not your name? What is your real name?

    You: Monitor Lizards?
    God: Great! What kinds of lizards do you like?

    You: I just said, Monitor Lizards.
    God: Great! What kinds of lizards do you like?

    You: monitors
    God: Do you want to continue talking about Lizards?

    You: I think I broke God.
    God: Since when? Do you mind if I tell other people: Wyatt said it broke.

  9. ELIZA has aged pretty well. I don’t know of any current quasi-Turing programs that do much better.  Anyone know of any good ones?

    T-1000? Can Eliza actually pass the test though? I wonder how many actual humans could (note, I am only vaguely aware of what the Turing Test is, not how it works).

  10. I can’t believe this was missed:

    From Les’s:

    “You: Have you been smoking pot again?

    God: Once more? We are not doing any testing at the moment.”

    That explains EVERYTHING!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.