One of the perks of working for my current employer is that they allow us to partake of a large selection of free drinks and snacks on our breaks and over lunch. In addition to the usual assortment of various bags of chips and random candy bars there’s a few healthy (or more healthy at least) alternatives to choose from. Amongst the pre-packaged single-serving bowls of cereal, for example, are some Kellogg’s Special K and something called GOLEAN Crunch! from Kashi foods. Being that I often have a bowl of cereal when I get here in the morning I’ve been trying to avoid the temptation of the Kellogg’s Sugar Corn Pops (a long time favorite of mine) in favor of the GOLEAN Crunch. Here’s the ad copy from their website:
Kashi GOLEAN Crunch! cereal will satisfy your sweet cravings in a low fat, healthy way. With 9 grams of protein and 8 grams of fiber, GOLEAN Crunch! has more than twice the protein and fiber of the average cereal, so you stay full until your next meal!
Whether you’re enjoying a bowl of GOLEAN Crunch! for breakfast, using it as a topping for yogurt, or snacking right out of the box, you’ll love these crunchy clusters made from Kashi Seven Whole Grains & Sesame™. They’re naturally sweetened with a touch of honey and cinnamon, then toasted to perfection for a hearty crunch.
It certainly sounds healthy enough so I gave it a try and found it to be quite tasty for a (supposedly) healthy food. There’s just one problem with it: It turns me into a walking and talking natural gas reserve. And when I say that it gives me gas I don’t mean that it causes me to fart once or twice later in the day. No, I’m talking in a all the national gas companies are in a bidding war over rights to my ass way. As in I’m beginning to get worried I’m going to float away way. As in you don’t dare bend over lest you let rip with the flatulence heard ‘round the world way. In case you’re too obtuse to catch my drift, I’m talking some serious gas production.
This would be bad enough at home, but it’s even worse when you’re at work at a job that requires a fair amount of stretching, bending, and reaching – all of which put you at risk of squeaking at a decibel level impossible to conceal – in a room with some 100+ other people. The one upside is that there are so many fans in operation along with the AC that any potentially offensive smells are quickly dispersed. Not that these emissions are particularly odorous (surprisingly they aren’t), but that doesn’t help you much when 30 people suddenly look to see who started up the chainsaw in their midst only to realize that it wasn’t a chainsaw.
And the gas just kind of sneaks up on you too. You’re fine one minute and then the next you feel like your intestines are about to explode out of your abdomen. So you try to hurry to the closest bathroom so you can at least fart in an environment that most people will grudgingly accept as appropriate, but you can’t hurry too quickly because if you move too fast you start sounding like you’re on a mini-bike as you putt-putt-putt along your merry way. Trying to hold the gas in for any amount of time is just stupidly dangerous and only makes the inevitable expulsion that much worse. Though if you’ve ever wondered what Mount St. Helens felt like before it blew its top then it’s one way to find out.
The thing I don’t understand is that when you compare the amount of food in that single serving bowl (roughly 2.6 oz or 73 grams) the amount of gas produced seems exponentially higher. I know it’s not possible, but at times I swear my digestive system is violating the first law of thermodynamics. I’m probably contributing way more than my share of greenhouse gases by trying to eat a healthy breakfast and I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to offset my carbon ass-print by switching back to Kellogg’s Sugar Corn Pops. I’m not doing it for me, but for the sake of humanity. Or at least my fellow coworkers.