Being a Christian is like being an electrocuted pickle.

Or at least that’s what “Grandpa John” says in the following video:

I have to admit that I nearly burst out laughing at points during that demonstration. I don’t know about you, but having a couple of forks shoved into both ends of my body and then having 110 Volts AC pumped through me doesn’t sound all that appealing, but that’s what being “hooked into Jesus” is supposedly like. I also like how the fits and sputters of light being given off by the hapless pickle is supposed to be an example of the “positive change and light” that said pickle now brings to his fellow, more sinful, pickles. How exactly this is supposed to help the other pickles is never actually explained. Perhaps it’s supposed to encourage the other pickles to plunge forks into themselves and then find a handy live wire so they too can fry in God’s glory and maybe, just maybe, that’s something a lot of pickles aspire to. I wouldn’t know as any pickles in my immediate area don’t remain undigested for very long. You’d think, though, that the smoke emanating from said pickle after being unplugged from Jesus would scare a few of the pickles off. Let alone the scary-looking black fluid that starts to seep out one end after it’s hooked back up again. Are those pickles brains leaking out of the pickle’s ear after being exposed to the power of Jesus for too long? Careful kids! Too much Jesus exposure could be hazardous to your health.

It seems Grandpa John has his own website where he uses simple science experiments to recruit kids to belief in Jesus:

I love to teach kids about science and God. I have been teaching science since…, well, probably before you were born. Here on this site you can see segments from some recent science lessons. These lessons are all available on DVDs from the PowerVine Power Store. Just use my link to that store. Also I have a link to another great site I call Dandy Designs. And there is a link to the Does God Exist? website. There your parents can find information about God and they can also learn how to get my materials on free loan. I would love to hear from you. Maybe you have a question I can try to answer. Have fun as you learn about God’s creation.

Poking around a bit more on Grandpa John’s website I started to feel a little bad for the guy. It’s kind of like MySpace in that you can sign on as a “friend” of GJ as well as rate his “channel”, but he doesn’t have a single friend or rating so far. It could be that he’s just getting started as he only has two other videos up so far and one of them doesn’t mention God or Jesus at all. It’s a demonstration on “Electrical Voltage, Current and Resistance” which seems to be more or less on par with what you’d get in a high school science class, but the ending leaves one feeling like you’re being set up for another dose of God promotion.

We kind of get that in his third video titled “Miracle Cures and Electric Fields” in which he talks about an old quack medical device he bought at a yard sale that purported to use electric fields to cure baldness. What’s particularly interesting about this video is that he does a good job of demonstrating why you should be skeptical of grandiose claims and explains how science can make mistakes and after the previous video, which had no God references at all, I was beginning to think perhaps the pickle torture was just a fluke. Then he ends the video by saying that the Bible, unlike science, never makes mistakes and that’s why he became a Christian. Doh!

Alas we probably won’t be hearing much more from Grandpa John as according to his site he last logged in 210 days and 1 hour ago. It seems he’s much too busy running the Does God Exist website, which has been updated a bit more frequently. Apparently he puts out a bi-monthly publication titled, what else, “Does God Exist” and the May/June issue deals with THE KIDS CRISIS!

Anyone who has been involved with young people in today’s world is aware that there is a major crisis developing with kids. Every adult generation has felt that “young people today are going to the dogs” or some similar statement of negativism, and this was almost always just a statement of old fogy disapproval of behavior. As a teenager in the 1950s who was into rock and roll and Elvis and all that went with that craze, I am well familiar with stereotypic generalizations about how bad young people are. Today, however, the problem is not about loud music or teenage clichšs. There is a wealth of data that says that young people in today’s world are in serious trouble, and to a great extent the secular world is at a loss to do anything about it.

He should know. He used to be a public school science teacher. Which, given the mostly subtle God pushing his videos have in them, is kind of a scary thought.

Link found via Boing Boing.

15 thoughts on “Being a Christian is like being an electrocuted pickle.

  1. Fuck, he’s preparing to lynch those poor pickles! You can clearly see the gallows straight away!!!

  2. Off topic question.  Apologies in advance…

    elwedriddsche, are you eid from the old Michael Moore board?

  3. I used to cook hot dogs that way. 

    Nails stuck through a wooden board and connected to an electrical cord are as dangerous as it sounds. I didn’t know that it was a religious thing though.

  4. THE ALTERNATING CURRENT OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!

    You know, shoving forks into you and lighting you up seems more like what I’d expect from Beelzebub.

  5. Thank god the Church didn’t have electrical current back in the Inquisitional days.

  6. Thank god the Church didn’t have electrical current back in the Inquisitional days.

    As if the implements in their torture chambers could have been topped by electrical shocks.

  7. Yeah, the San Diego Museum of Man had a special exhibition of torture implements and histories a few years ago. Quite enlightening! I especially found the inquisitors’ use of impaling a sinner through their anus in such a way as to avoid any critical organ all the way up through the body so they remained impaled for days absolutely entertaining. What won’t those Catholics think of next!  red face  snake  red face

  8. As if the implements in their torture chambers could have been topped by electrical shocks.

    True, but if they strapped a battery to something like the Judas Chair then you’d have a lot worse.

  9. I’m usually pretty good at distinguishing parody from sincere simplemindedness, but like elwed, this one took me in.  Another instantiation of Poe’s Law.

  10. Was i the only one who thought he was being satirical? I realised by the end he was being serious, but it could have been a rather good comedy video…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.