This review is somewhat spoiler laden so skip it if you haven’t seen the show and you think you might want to. Consider this to be a MAJOR SPOILER WARNING. Don’t read any more if you don’t want to know. You’ve been warned.
Just got done watching NBC’s update of The Bionic Woman. It was about what I expected, which wasn’t much. It suffers from the I-Wanna-Be-A-Big-Success-Like-The-New-Battlestar-Galactica-Series syndrome where everyone is beautiful and angsty up the yin yang and they try to make it all gritty and dark except that, as was previously mentioned, everyone’s too pretty for it to be particularly dark. I’m already sick to death of the little sister played by Becca Sommers and it’s only the first episode. Becca seems like a decent actress, but if I had a dime for every pissed-off little sister abandoned by her parents to be raised by the conflicted older sibling plot device that’s been used in the past I’d be a rich man by now. Why can’t the abandoned little sister be well adjusted and grateful for the fact that her older sister has taken her in and given her a place to live when the rest of her family would’ve left her to rot on the streets? No, they have to pull out the “you’re not a real mom” bullshit line and drive me up the friggin’ wall.
Then we have the obligatory hero-is-pissed-at-being-made-into-a-super-hero routine by Jamie Summers (Michelle Ryan) herself. They never make shows with people like me as the hero. If I woke up and was told my legs, arm, eye and ear had been replaced with bionics, chips giving me instant knowledge of hand-to-hand combat techniques had been wired into my brain, and a good portion of my blood had been augmented with nano-doohickeys that implausibly allow me to heal rapidly my first reaction would be to yell out, “SWEET!!! Give me someone’s ass to kick!” At the very least there’s a few folks from elementary school who kicked my ass more than once on the playground who I’d suddenly be looking up in the phone book. Hi Conley Saylor. Remember me? Muwhahahahahahahahaha! Which is probably why they won’t give me bionics.
The special effects were OK, though there was some obvious CGI, and the stunt department deserves some kudos for the car wreck. The plot has a shit load of implausible events in it that’ll strain your suspension of disbelief — if you have half a brain — such as the fact that while Jamie is seriously fucked up in the car wreck her super-genius-boyfriend, who just happens to be the son of the super-genius who invented bionics to begin with, manages to escape with a couple of scrapes on his head and is in fine enough form to perform major surgery on her without freaking out over the fact that she’s just this side of dead. I suppose his side of the car had airbags or something. Then there’s the fact that this doctor is able to assemble his surgery team and install millions of dollars of equipment on his girlfriend without his superiors realizing what he’s doing until he’s already well under way and who then decide not to pull the plug on the whole project even when it becomes clear the doctor is doing this for an entirely selfish reason and thinks they should just let her go back to living a normal life. Then theres… wait… no… there’s too many to list.
What’s a super-hero without a super villain, right? So they do the obvious and make one of the villains the other, first, bionic woman who apparently went crazy or something and is now a rogue agent presumed dead by whatever secret agency makes bionic people, but who’s really not and is, in fact, responsible for the “accident” that creates the new bionic woman. And, natch, she’s got more bionics than Jamie does as well as more experience, but still manages to not kill the hero in 5 seconds because, let’s face it, Jamie obviously has the plot on her side.
The end result is that once the show was done I felt no real need to tune in next week to see what happens next. If it’s anything at all as predictable and stupid as this week’s episode then there’s really no need to watch it unless they bring back Lindsay Wagner to show these noobs how to really kick bionic ass while getting an excellent night’s rest on a Select Comfort Sleep Number™ adjustable bed.