Christ has returned, again. This time as a former MI5 spy.

There’s a lot of folks out there who seem to think they’re the second coming of Christ and I’ve written about a few of them previously. There’s the 60-year-old Puerto Rican man, the 35 year old Hindu woman, the schizophrenic man who found out the hard way he was wrong, and the stoner Jesus.

Now we have former MI5 spy David Shayler explaining why he’s not technically Jesus, but is supposedly the messiah returned:

“I am the messiah and hold the secret of eternal life,” he starts excitedly. “It all came about quite suddenly.

I bet it did.

“First I started meditating, then I learnt how to channel the “light”, and the more research I did – into Freemasonry, the Knights Templar, Kabbalah – the more convinced I became that I was the Christ.”

Jesus Christ? “No, Jesus of the New Testament is an archetype,” he explains patiently. “His name derives from the 13th Name of God in Kabbalah, which helps activate the Messiah consciousness within us.

“I was, though, crucified with a crown of thorns and nails then incarnated as Astronges, a Jewish revolutionary put to death by the Romans at around the end of the last century BC …It explained why in this life I had funny shaped wrists and ankles…”

Had? “Yes, look,” he says, proffering his tanned arms. “They’ve pretty much corrected themselves now I’ve acknowledged the crucifixion – but there used to be big hollows where nails had been bashed in.”

Hoo boy! Can’t you just smell the crazy hanging thick in the air? I can. It seems this fellow is famous for causing a major scandal in the U.K. about 10 years ago when he claimed that MI5 and MI6 had attempted, and failed, to assassinate Colonel Gaddafi. He fled to France and didn’t return until 2000 when he was put on trial and sentenced to jail for 6 months. Needless to say his career has been in a bit of a shambles since then. Given all of that I suppose believing he’s God incarnate is only a small leap for him:

Today, he is still bright and articulate and seems terribly well. Until he opens his mouth.

“It was in June that a psychic channelled the spirit of Mary Magdalene and anointed me the messiah and, finally, my whole life made sense.

I realised why I seem to get such a strange deal from the universe, when I’ve spent my life trying to tell the truth about everything.”

He also claims he can affect the weather, prevent terrorist attacks and influence football results. Oh, and that the Rod of Aaron – the staff said to have been carried by Moses’s brother – has an anagram written on it in Hebrew which translated says: ‘David Shayler, Righteous King’.

“I was decoding it – after all, that’s what I was trained to do – and I suddenly realised it goes David S, H, A… and that someone’s trying to tell me, because this is the ineffable name of God, someone’s trying to tell you you’re God…”

David’s been working his way up the batshit crazy corporate ladder for quite awhile as he managed to make a living going around telling conspiracy theorists what they wanted to hear about events such as 9/11 — he says the U.S. Government destroyed the Twin Towers using missiles that had holograms of planes around them. At least that’s a novel idea for a change.

For his part, David claims to have proof that he’s the messiah! He’s helped his beloved soccer football team to win several games! Truly a miracle of the ages!

It was back in April that he performed what he calls his first and greatest miracle – securing his beloved team Middlesbrough a place in the UEFA Cup Final.

“It was the quarter-final against Basle and we were 3-0 down after the first leg and needed four goals in the second match to win. I sat there, said to the creator, “give me a sign” and meditated – which is tricky at a football match, because every instinct is to abuse the ref and the opposition and, instead you have to shower them with unconditional love. But I managed to focus and we played like we’d never played before, winning 4-0.”

He did it again in the semi-final, against Bucharest.

“Again we were 3-0 down, again I meditated and, bang, we won – a real miracle.”

So what about the final, when Middlesbrough lost 4-0 to Seville?

“Ah… interesting question,” he says, looking sheepish. “I got drunk and it turns out it doesn’t work if you’re drunk. You can’t focus.”

After that, he claims the ‘creator’ informed him that influencing football results – however dear to his heart – was not an appropriate use of the light. So he changed tack.

You’d think that a messiah would realize his special power to influence reality should be applied to more pressing tasks, but I suppose it’s hard to keep that in mind when you’re drunk. So he has done something a bit more significant since then:

“On 28 June, I was told I had to remove darkness from London. I wasn’t sure what it was all about, but I stayed up all night meditating and, the next morning, I heard a bomb had been found but no one had been hurt. That was my miracle.”

But of course it was! What other possible explanation could there be?

“Suddenly I knew that my mission was to inform humanity about the changes in the universe and spread the spiritual rules of unconditional love, unconditional sharing, never judging and having faith in the universe. If I can convince just one person, it’ll be worth it.

“It’s hard sometimes, when people say things like, “gosh, he sounds quite articulate, but he’s totally mad”, but the message is too powerful to ignore.”

For the moment I think we can file Mr. Shayler under the “harmless nutcase” category. More a source of amusement than concern. Still he goes on in this interview to demonstrate one of the more irritating aspects of the True Believer™, and he certainly is a stripe of True Believer™, and that’s their ability to completely believe in their delusion no matter what reality has to say about it:

The terrifying thing is how unshakeable his belief is.

“Everyone’s initial reaction is that I must be mad. But I’m not. This is the test of the messianic complex – to know in your heart that something is true, even when everyone else in the world is saying you’re wrong.”

Many would see the phrase ‘messianic complex’ – in which the sufferer believes they have transcendent powers and are destined to save the world – as an admission of a psychological disorder. Not David.

But has he never had a wobble? “Yes. On June 30 I got up and looked through all my research and thought, “Bloody hell, Dave, you’re not the messiah, you’ve just gone completely mad – you’re hearing voices, what are you playing at?”

“But the next night, there was that attempted terrorist attack on Glasgow airport and I realised it had been a test of faith. I couldn’t believe I’d doubted myself.”

Amusingly enough it seems there is another David in the U.K. who also thinks he’s Christ whom this David doesn’t think too highly of:

He’s not even concerned about being likened to David Icke, the former Coventry City goalkeeper and sports broadcaster who, in 1991, announced on the Terry Wogan chat show that he was ‘the son of God’ and believed the world was ruled by secret 12ft shape-shifting reptiles called ‘Illuminati’.

David Shayler is somewhat sceptical of the other David.

“He has a lot of interesting things to say, but I don’t think he always gets it 100 per cent right. For me it’s very simple – no turquoise tracksuits, no cults, it doesn’t work like that.”

At least he’s diplomatic about it. Batshit crazy, but diplomatic just the same.

9 thoughts on “Christ has returned, again. This time as a former MI5 spy.

  1. Well I’ve been warping causality in Manchester for 17 months now, including one odditiy at an art gallery to which two consultant psychologists were witness to.  It’s actually fairly handy as it’s rare these days that I have to wait for traffic before crossing roads – some would say coincidence, some would say synchronicity, I just say “weird” and appreciate the absurdity.  Oh, and the recent flooding in the UK appears to be related to my cognitive dissonance relating to my external family… 

    Something really odd is happening with the thing we call reality so although Mr Shayler (and Mr Icke to be fair) appear to be somewhat attune to whatever it is I think it’s fair to say claiming to be the messiah is going a bit far (although I have degree of evidence to backup my claim in that area); personally I simply call myself a Chaos Wizard and have fun whilst writing a new Psychological theory of Mind which actually does explain a lot of this.

  2. Wow that’s some the craziest shit I’ve ever heard out there from the Strange But True department.

    Liked this line following the quote:

    “Hoo boy! Can’t you just smell the crazy hanging thick in the air?”

  3. Your responses had me in hysterics, Les

    I wonder why messianic complex exists, it’s more common than people let on but a little hidden because many believe that nobody else could be the messiah – indeed fundie xians wouldn’t even recongnise a 2nd crist even if he did happen, the’d label him a heretic merely for the claim.

    But you don’t have to be christ to be christ-like, you can be a hero of your own accord – it may be better to just be yourself, the hero that lies in you

  4. Run away, it’s the Anti-Christ!

    Oh and Bahamat, are you quoting Whitney Houston there?  Ugh.

  5. LOL Bog Brother!

    As long as this guy doesn’t hurt himself or anyone, he’s fine to live with his delusions.  But someone needs to keep an eye on him cause he is obviously mentally unstable.

  6. Well-intentioned though – why would someone who strived to be a messiah go hurting people? He’d try to bring heaven to earth, that is unless he took on some of my ideas of the usefullness of suffering – still though, it’s not the role I would want and I doubt he would want it either, leave it for others to do (as if I could prevent it anyway even if I wanted to…)

    Bog Bro – are you quoting Whitney Houston there?  Ugh.

    no comment

    Well OK, though it’s not my cuppa tea I think the song has a good message

  7. Is no comment still a comment if you say it?

    Anyway, what if he got the idea to bring us all to Heaven?  Best way to do that is probably kill everyone.  And you should read the Bible some time (especially that New Testament, specifically the book of Revelation) before assuming the role of Messiah is at all benign.  All the bad shit that happens to humanity in Revelation is at the behest of Jesus himself.  If this guy thinks he’s the Messiah returned, and figures he needs to fulfill prophecy, or make it happen, well that would be a really bad thing.

    I think he’s pretty much harmless unless he gets control of some nukes or a bunch of people start following him and buying into his spiel.

  8. Bog bro: Anyway, what if he got the idea to bring us all to Heaven?  Best way to do that is probably kill everyone.

    Maybe that would be nicer, it would end world suffering – but if he believed there was a meaning to life he might restrain

    And you should read the Bible some time (especially that New Testament, specifically the book of Revelation) before assuming the role of Messiah is at all benign

    I admit I’ve never read any of the bible, but one can believe to be a servant of benign god with/without xianity, they could choose to ignore the nasty stuff that doesn’t fit, of course, there could be people who incorporate the nasties into the meaning and attempt to fulfil them, but that is no different than regular terrorist

    Interesting would be whether he has a personal gain from people follow, that would indicate whether he plans to exploit

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