Snake Oil to get you laid: Ultra Allure Pheromones!

I literally just received this email a moment or two ago:

To: les@stupidevilbastard.com
From: Tomas Bain

Subject: Beware of imitators, this is the original men’s phermone

Remember how you felt when your dream girl shot you down? Well now you never have to feel that way again! Pheromones have been proven to work, and are guaranted to increase your attractiveness to women of all ages. Just look at some of the testimonials we have received back from 100% satisfied repeat customers! :

“I’ve always had a problem approaching girls. They would just walk past me like I didn’t exist. I sometimes felt like they purposely would not give me any attention just because they were snobby and stuck up. Now, when I use Ultra Allure Pheromones, it’s alot easier to approach girls because THEY are usually the ones that will smile at me first or make eye contact.”
Robert K, Boise Idaho

“I saw you guys offered a moneyback guarantee, so I though I would give it a go(I had nothing to lose). Well how glad am I that I did! My first night out with a little Ultra Allure on me I had 4 different girls ask me what I was wearing and what I was doing later(I met up with the hottest of the 4 wink ) Now I don’t even leave the house without throwing on a few dabs of Ultra Allure– its my (not so) secret weapon! I can honestly say this product truly works, women are really drawn to you once they catch a little bit of the scent.”
Brad M. Kentucky

We receive dozens of emails daily just like these ones!

Don’t be left out! Pheromones have been studied extensively and profiled on such media outlets as CNN, Oprah Winfrey show, ABC, MSNBC, FOXNEWS, and magazines such as MAXIM, FHM and PLAYBOY!

Visit our website now to check out the huge discount sale going on right now! Hurry though as discount specials will be discontinued within the next few days!

Remove you e-mail

I love how carefully crafted the email is and then at the end it provides a link that says “remove you e-mail” when I never gave them my email in the first place.

Anyway, for those of you who aren’t up on the scientific research, the best that’s been found in the study of human pheromones so far is that women do respond to the scent of male sweat by altering the length of their menstrual cycles and perhaps their mood, but that’s about it. The idea that the mere whiff of human pheromones is going to make woman jump into the sack with you is wishful thinking at it’s worst.

So how much are these snake oil salesman going to hit up for when you order their products? Why a mere $69.95 (normally $109.95 the site proudly boasts) for a single bottle of unspecified quantity, but you can save up to $100 by ordering six bottles for the low low price of $249.95! Of course there are other sites out there selling similar bullshit products for as little as $20, but the folks behind Ultra Allure Pheromones have an answer to that right in their FAQ:

I found a site selling Pheromones for $20! Why should I pay more for yours?

We would suggest you take a logical look at the site and the product. Chances are that the brand they are selling is a cheap imitation knockoff of a quality product like ours. Buying a cheap Pheromone may help you think you’re attracting others, but in reality it will have absolutely no effectiveness and value to you, as you will attract no members of the opposite sex. ?

Our Ultra Allure formula is not only 100% original, but it is made only with the very best ingredients. By “best”, we mean effective . We want our customers to return to us repeatedly for business.

Our formula is sold at a price identical to most of the industries leading Pheromone manufacturers. The difference is that our product has an added essence inspired by TommyBoy™ cologne, giving it the advantage over others. And that’s what you will have with Ultra Allure , an advantage over others in attracting women.

Oh that’s some funny shit right there.

The website URL indicates it’s out of Hong Kong, home to a lot of bullshit products, and it’s a subdomain for another site that sells, wait for it… a Penis Enlargement Patch! Who would’ve guessed that? You know it’s going to be good when they start off with a claim like:

“In a poll conducted by Durex™ Condoms, 67% of women said they were unhappy with their lover’s penis size.”

With no link to the poll in question given. Visiting the Durex Condom website we can see that there are a number of polls they’ve done over the years, but none of them seem to contain this startling revelation that most women are unhappy with the size of their partner’s willy. The truth is that penis size is pretty much an exclusively male worry as most studies published seem to indicate that woman are more than happy with the size of their partners:

For their part, women appear to be very accepting of male endowment, the survey found. But even though 85 percent of women said they had no problem with their boyfriend’s or husband’s size, nearly half (45 percent) of all males surveyed said they wished for something larger. That number rose to 54 percent among males who rated their penis length as just “average.”

“The really good news for men, though, was that only 6 percent of women considered their partner ‘smaller than average,’” Frederick pointed out. (For the record, Frederick said the most reliable U.S. studies peg “average” penis size at an erect length of approximately 5.5 inches.)

Taking a closer look at the website domain via a WhoIs search we learn that it’s registered to a Shirley Floyd who set it up 02-24-2007 for a single year registered to a Yahoo! Mail account. If that doesn’t send up red flags all over the place then you’re a moron. You’d be lucky to find that this domain is even still active in a month’s time.

It’s a proven money maker for lots of people selling snake oil. Play on their fears of inadequacy with promises of easy solutions providing overwhelming results. The penis patch website promises you will “drastically enlarge the penis length and width to sizes previously thought impossible” and the pheromone site promises nonsense like the following:

Imagine this scenario. You’re out clubbing with your friends. You notice a beautiful woman across the room. Under normal circumstances she wouldn’t give you the time of day, but you know one thing she doesn’t. You’re wearing Ultra Allure pheromones . You walk up to her beaming with confidence. She senses someone approaching, turns around and doesn’t take her eyes off you until she leaves your place the next morning. Poor girl, she never had a chance.

If it worked that well it would probably be considered a form of date rape drug, but don’t let pesky moral issues stand between you and some hot action tonight! All it takes is your willingness to send large sums of cash to a foreign nation for a bottle of smelly liquid with dubious claims!

11 thoughts on “Snake Oil to get you laid: Ultra Allure Pheromones!

  1. Interestingly pheromones are used in pest traps, though it seems a creul and disappointing way to go for an insect. I think pheromones are like the perfume concept – but they have to be not-conciously-smellable in order to decieve the other person

    Quote within article: Under normal circumstances she wouldn’t give you the time of day

    Women like that aren’t worth bothering with anyway, but it depends on what you want out of the date because quite frankly not everything men look for requires personality- pretty much anyone will do for what you have planned, maybe with a shifted emphasis though….

    It’s also quite difficult to tell women apart – even the ones I’ve known for years seem pretty similar in some ways and a good 80% at least I would happily date (age and niceness considered) – most women seem to be more than nice enough to men at least

  2. Remove you e-mail

    Is it just me or does anyone else get a bit suss, regardless of ANY other evidence, when there’s an obvious spelling/grammatical error in the spin.

    Anyone considering using this stuff already has a questionable moral compass and it’s this that the chicks have been picking up on … and you probably fell from the top of the ugly tree hitting every branch on the way down.  smile

  3. Human pheromones – free – don’t bathe for a week and you will emit the powerful love-attracting-scent of human pheromones in all their strong efficacious glory.  You cannot wear deodorant, use perfume, shampoo, lotion, etc. in order to be completely effective. Also, make sure to rewear the same clothes to enhance the effect.

    In our modern culture this procedure will not work, because we have been conditioned to respond to the natural human scent with revulsion and disgust.

  4. scenter: Human pheromones – free – don’t bathe for a week and you will emit the powerful love-attracting-scent of human pheromones in all their strong efficacious glory.  You cannot wear deodorant, use perfume, shampoo, lotion, etc. in order to be completely effective. Also, make sure to rewear the same clothes to enhance the effect

    I wonder if that’s how it’s collected before it’s sold over the internet smile – I could kill 2 birds with 1 stone by giving up having showers and selling my harvest on ebay.

    Anyway pheromones can have an effect without being conciously smell-able, so you may be able to seperate the pheromone from the smelly chemicals / just dilute it down

  5. Human ‘pheromones’ are not a well defined chemical group – too many marketers and not enough research makes it like walking on quicksand. Pheromones are inherently ‘smelly’ chemicals – meaning that they are volatile to some degree. However about 1/4 the population cannot smell the steroidal ones (genetic anosmia).

    Some of the ‘human’ ones I’ve smelled are based on adrostenone and its derivatives. I find that one of them, sold commercially for perfume/fragrance use, smells urinaceous and sweaty.  Other people I know say the same chemical smells woody and ambery, and others say it’s odorless.

    These pheromone chemicals are related odorwise and chemicalwise to ‘musks’ – which is why ‘musk’ is also marketed as a sex-lure for humans. It was really attractive in days of yore to rub yourself with deer extract (Musk), beaver extract (Castoreum),  cat-crud (Civet), or whale-puke (Ambergris) all to attract the opposite sex. [NB – 99.9% of the musks of today are synthetic – musk deer and whales are endangered species so it is forbidden to use these products, and the other products have a better synthetic alternative]

  6. Thanks Scenter,
    I have heard there is also a market for pheromones to trap pest insects, that has quite a bit of attention on the synthetic chemical market. Dissapointing for the insect though…

    I bet there will be comercial uses for pheromones in shops – to attract a target consumer, or emphasise certain feelings (ie hunger for a food shop if such a pheromone exists) and generally set the mood of the shop/bar – or simply to get the manager laid.

  7. OH! You thought those were real cooking aromas coming from the food court at the mall!!! (it ain’t necessarily so)

    Also FWIW- a study about 10 years ago showed in a blind test that the smell of pizza and donuts (separately) caused incresed bloodflow to the privy member. Hence a rise in the sales of pizza and donuts occured (purchased by women for the men in their lives)

  8. Distant Claws Wrote:

    I have heard there is also a market for pheromones to trap pest insects,

    Um, not to be mean or be pointing out the obvious, but you are aware that there are massive physiological, chemical and genetic differences between the typical insect (whatever that is, I assume houseflies in this case) and the typical human being right?  Just the circulatory, respiration, and nervous system differences should be a pretty good indicator that our bodies don’t work in the same way as theirs. Insect (especially hive insects) use a massive array of chemicals to communicate between each other.

  9. Tafka: but you are aware that there are massive physiological, chemical and genetic differences between the typical insect (whatever that is, I assume houseflies in this case) and the typical human being right

    You havn’t seen me yet! – Too much plastic surgery to look like the species I truely feel I should’ve been born as. Seriously though, as you said, they have their own chemicals and it doesn’t require the extent of complexity of a human nose to detect their concentration

  10. It’s also quite difficult to tell women apart – even the ones I’ve known for years seem pretty similar in some ways and a good 80% at least I would happily date (age and niceness considered) – most women seem to be more than nice enough to men at least

    Wait.  Are you for serious?

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