Contemplating my status as a sex object.

So the other day I’m sitting here parsing through SEB’s referrer logs to see who is dropping by the site and weed out spammers when I come across a link to a MySpace page, that I’ve since lost the link to, where a lady has linked back to SEB. The entry itself is a meme that’s going around right now about the bloggers you read with questions like “which blogger makes you laugh” and “which blogger touches your heart.” I was surprised to see that I was her pick for the question: Which blogger would you most like to have sex with? It seems she reads the site regularly and finds my evil bastardness — she doesn’t consider me stupid — to be a very sexy thing.

So I came back to SEB and I took another look at my picture on the front page and many of the other goofy pictures of myself that I’ve put up on SEB over the years and I thought to myself: She’s obviously reading the site through a feed reader and hasn’t actually seen me. I admit that I think that I’m a devilishly handsome guy, but I also admit that I’m probably the only person outside of my wife who thinks that. Not to mention the fact that I’m overweight and about to hit 40 years old this year. An event that has been on my mind quite a bit lately. Now when I was much younger I was a reasonably good looking fellow who managed to have more than his fair share of attention from people of the opposite gender despite never being the sort of person who turned heads when he walked in the room. These days I’ve grown accustomed to the fact that I’m noticed more for my scary beard than for my stunningly rugged good looks and it doesn’t really bother me. I’m happily married and Anne seems to like what she’s bought into so I don’t tend to spend a lot of time contemplating how the opposite gender views me. Which is why it was a surprise to see someone pick me as someone they’d most like to have sex with despite not really knowing me. Needless to say it was quite flattering, if somewhat puzzling at the same time, and it gave me pause to sit and take a new look at myself.

It used to be that as long as I was in my thirties I could still pretend to be a young guy and that was helped by older people telling me “you’re still just a kid” whenever I mentioned my age, but as the big four-oh approaches I no longer feel like I can play that game anymore. Last Saturday I was sitting in the car outside the library where Courtney works waiting to pick her up when she got off for the night and the setting sun was at that one perfect spot in the sky where it casts a warm glow across the landscape and everything in it. I happened to catch my reflection in the rear view mirror and that golden light was perfectly illuminating all the little micro-wrinkles that are starting to form on my face revealing to me that full-blown wrinkles aren’t very far off in my future. The results of a youth spent outdoors in the sun too much without any sunscreen on.

Oddly enough the sudden realization that the wrinkles were already there and just too small to see in normal light didn’t really upset me. I found the idea that I had these mini-wrinkles kind of appealing in a strange way. Made me feel more like a real adult than I usually do. That moment in time combined with stumbling across the female fan who thinks I’m sexy gave me a new perspective to look at myself from which was helpful as I’ve been struggling with a mild bout of depression lately over my continued unemployment. More of a funk I suppose, but this was still enough of a lift to make me feel better about myself for awhile. So a bit of thanks to the lady who finds me sexy for reminding me that there are things about me that others can find attractive.

45 thoughts on “Contemplating my status as a sex object.

  1. It’s not just the women wink
    (now where was that soap?…)

    Now when I was much younger I was a reasonably good looking fellow who managed to have more than his fair share of attention from people of the opposite gender

    I’m 20 and never been in a relationship. Keep running away. downer

    Oddly enough the sudden realization that the wrinkles were already there and just too small to see in normal light didn’t really upset

    Also it may interst people that it’s oxidation with atmospheric oxygen that makes skin lose elasticity (not that that applies here). Oxygen also can form free radicals that degrade DNA, hence why occasionally cancer happens without much in the way of added carcinogens

    as I’ve been struggling with a mild bout of depression lately over my continued unemployment

    You could try modelling

  2. I’ll be thirty in June, a notion that slightly churns my stomach. Defintely not old, but not getting any younger either. That’s partly why I appreciate the flirtations of KPG and others—you guys have no idea what I look like, but it tickles me pink to know that I evidently still radiate some sort of charm on the eve of the big three-oh.  cheese

  3. Don’t worry about it. People have a different stance on their personality online anyways, no matter how much they try to avoid it. I’m a pretty private person irl, and I haven’t been used to overt female interest since I was slim and in my early twenties. Really, in real life I doubt most people who give me a second glance.

    I’ve had online stalkers though, women who I’d talked to for some short period of time who went out of their way to find my home phone numbers and send me pictures of themselves in lingerie and such telling me about how they wished they could leave their husbands. Mind you, these aren’t even people I’d consider good friends online, those sorts being restricted to people I’ve been talking to more or less every day in some respect for years and years. No, just people who read some of my blogs and who I let talk at me while I’d brush my teeth and shrug ignoring them.

    I still don’t know how that managed to translate into desperate late night phone calls from people I’ve never met, but it’s easy to be flattered by it when you’re not being creeped out. Anyways, take them as they roll in. The good news is, if you’re their perfect man sight unseen now you’ll still be their perfect invisible man when you’re sixty and you’re looking for quite a bit more assurances of your manly hotness.

  4. Les, don’t worry about hitting 40. Go like hell until you hit 60 and then kill yourself.
    It’s all downhill from there.

    Your “over the hill” scribe;
    Allan W Janssen

  5. Thanks MM smile

    For now I’d settle for a stalker, conditional on there being no big scary partners that might come after me. A stalker should be quite flexible, so I can get away with being a lazy-ass slob, so minimal freedom loss there. I’ll have to find a site like that, seems a low risk approach where I can fade into the murky void of internet if things go wrong. I once stalked a girl for a couple of months a few years back, which I regret for the distress I now know I caused (was oblivious to it then), but it was an experience that helps me better understand such people. My case was not dangerous, I wanted a relationship but simply had no clue as to how to initiate, so from what the films and whatnot suggested I deliberately developed an obsession and just assumed the rest would happen automatically. Never done it since I realised the effect. Being someone who runs to the hills under any pressure I have never asked a girl out who hadn’t asked me first (there was one case here) and even then I had no clue as to what to do, so I buggered off home. I would be flattered if I had a safe stalker, even male, but I wouldn’t know how to deal with them if I didn’t want a relationship, they tend to be quite vulnerable

    I think I’ve actually become less of the correct personality over time anyway, I satisfy more of the criteria of hate now, I avoid all responisbility and any work, I see the confidence approach as too falsified to act out, I lie to make life easier, and I don’t really care what new item of clothing they bought, and quite frankly prefer budget computer games to parting with cash at expensive diners

    And if it takes too long ther’es always amsterdam a short flight away (I’d like to try doing that at one point in my life). but hey, no pressure on myself, if I have no expectations I can’t be disapointed, and computer games are so much more escapism like and tunable, and don’t limit your freedom.

  6. Well I’ll be damned! That would be me you’re referring to. I’ve been a stealth reader and fan for a good while now. I guess this is as good a time as any to make a profile on here.
    I must say, the last thing I expected when writing that silly little entry was that anyone I linked to would actually find it! You’re far too hard on yourself – I don’t read your site via a RSS feed, and I still stand by my assessment. grin

    Thanks for all the great reading material. Keep up the good work.

  7. LH: a bit of a goer

    What’s it like?  wink
    Timeless.

    Les: I could still pretend to be a young …

    I went to Tassie at xmas and on NY’s eve saw a coupla blokes I hadn’t seen since my early teens.
    Whilst chatting another older bloke came up and told me (I couldn’t remember he or his name but he remembered me) I was the kid who used to climb the trees and call he and his mates a packa bastards whilst they were playing cricket in one of the backyards.
    I smiled and in my head I was that 10 year old kid again.
    When Mum turned 60 I asked how old she felt.
    She said, about 23 in her head.

    I’m sure that if I could get rid of about 30 kilos I’d feel 23 again.

  8. Purley! PURLEY!  SAY NO MORE.

    LJ- If I want bits of Monty Python quoted I’ll talk to one of my father-in-laws.  Who incidently (he said , cunning bringing his post back to subject) has a new woman at 70. (well a return to one from 15 years ago)

  9. LH: one of my father-in-laws

    Alright – I’ll play.
    How come you have plural FiLs and don’t go all ‘et fils’ French on me.  wink

    Sadie: … still radiate some sort of charm on the eve of the big three-oh.

    Of course you do. You’re a woman and a young one at that.
    Damn, girl … haven’t you worked out how basic we are yet?  smile

    But, I wish you’d go back to the girl with the orange – she seemed more happy or enigmatic than the poignant one.
    She doesn’t seem to be the ‘you’ that you project – you project much more positive and or life.
    Don’t worry about me – I have a monthly appt with my psych in half an hour and I’m trying to get myself into an analytical mood or at least a little more down than I am.
    Wow. A chopper just flew close overhead.  That’ll do it.  wink

  10. LJ: She doesn’t seem to be the ‘you’ that you project – you project much more positive and or life.

    *sniff* That was really sweet, John. I think you’re right about Orange Hippie Chick needing a comeback. They’re both lovely, but OHC seems definitely more radiant and joyous in her pic. Here she is up close and personal, where she’s even more of a sight for sore, weary eyes.

  11. Double-dipping: I’m not positive and I have no real proof, but I think that this young man may have been OHC’s son. Almost makes me want to have a baby of my own someday.

    Oh, wait, no it doesn’t. Cute kid, anyway.

  12. Turning the decades does suck, But 30 even 40 is still basically youthful. I’m 52 and I only feel old when I think about the fact that I could be Sadie’s Dad. Jeez….

    I do like the idea that I am old enough to know better, but still too young to care about certain things. If you want to stay young, avoid using alcohol or other drugs to excess. I am sure it took some time from me. I can honestly say it was not worth it. Good Health is a human beings most precious asset, without it happiness is next to impossible. I have enjoyed my life for the most part, I am glad I am not any younger as I feel my prime years in the late 60’s and 70’s, were the best years the US had to offer. I see Global Society as all downhill from now on. I think I may be a bit old fashioned.

  13. I’m 52 and I only feel old when I think about the fact that I could be Sadie’s Dad. Jeez….

    Nah, you’re hardly old, Paul. Daddy will be sixty-two in July, and I always thought my mom was on the young side when I was born (she was twenty-six). In fact, since most of my idols were born in the early/mid-1940s or earlier, I tend to view people born after 1950 as positively young.

  14. I tend to view people born after 1950 as positively young.

    Hey, I was born after 1950- after the beginning of the year, anyway-  and I’m still young and positive.  Sure, there are downsides to getting older, but there are upsides too.

  15. Ah, Les, you really are stupid if you think a chick’s only interested in your looks.  Any woman (or man) worth having is more interested in what’s between your ears than what’s between your legs.
    Science Goddess

  16. Sadie: I’ll be thirty in June, a notion that slightly churns my stomach. Defintely not old, but not getting any younger either. That’s partly why I appreciate the flirtations

    Sadie, my car is ten years older than you, and I definitely think you’re more charming than my car.  Only reason I don’t flirt much is I’m really bad at it.  LOL

  17. It used to be that as long as I was in my thirties I could still pretend to be a young guy and that was helped by older people telling me “you’re still just a kid” whenever I mentioned my age, but as the big four-oh approaches I no longer feel like I can play that game anymore.

    Les, it’s not the age, it’s the mileage that matters.  tongue wink

  18. LJ- There’s my Father in law, and his 2nd daughter (wifes half sister), plus all her (wife’) step brothers/sisters.
    PLUS Her step dad (from age 4), Her brother, and her half brother- born the same day as the half sister (but about 20 years apart), although they are not related.

    My birthday is the 23rd this month, when I will be 29… and a few months.

  19. Not to mention the fact that I’m overweight and about to hit 40 years old this year.

    Thoughts of resolutions, Les? If you want to shed the pounds, you’d be best to get lost – literally, just walk around, wander the city with some companion, then when you start to feel like going home, landmark and find your way back.

    A few hours one evening a week was enough to convince my girlfriend (the constant time spent with school is contributing largely to keeping me unfit).

  20. SG: Ah, Les, you really are stupid if you think a chick’s only interested in your looks.  Any woman (or man) worth having is more interested in what’s between your ears than what’s between your legs.

    Can’t ignore physical needs, SG. Nobody’s above lust when the hormones are raging; just try to sit through a lecture about electron probing (or backside attack, aka SN2) whilst horny.

    To expect someone to resist a physical need takes an ever increasing amount of psychological effort as the cravings increase, and beyond a point it’s not worth resisting, if ever there was a reason to resist in the first place. Physical needs are like addictions we cannot escape from, but allow a potential for satisfaction, so for example needing food is a good thing if it means you get lots of your favourite ice cream. There seems no point to me in not satisfying the physical needs where possible, otherwise your torturing yourself indefinitely and increasingly to nobody’s benefit.

    Where I naturally come on this physical vs psychological scale when dealing with people depends on when I last did something to releave the lust, otherwise it’s near impossible to think straight, men at least will only be able to resist lust if it wasn’t long since they last did something to satisfy it.

    Also women may well be more interested in personality, but what they seem to value as defining a ‘good’ personality shouldn’t surprise them if they turn out to be jerks, because some personality things come together, because certain aspects of personality happen only under certain conditions, hence conditions that makes people nice is often not the same thing as what makes them confident, and then there can be resentment between groups that are not similar, and due to the nature of these personality traits, one naturally carries more clout than the other. You might be surprised at how much pushy men can influence women under the right conditions (love), and vice versa, and so again, if one traight is naturally more dominant, that explains society’s greater regard for it’s importance generally.

  21. Also women may well be more interested in personality,

    This is a mantra of femininity, but I still don’t see the women knocking down the door to my friend Alan’s apartment. He’s a real nice guy, but he’s also 350+ lbs that wears flip-flops when he’s not working, showing off some absolutely terrifying looking toenails.

    On the other hand, I’ve got other friends whose main selling points seem to be their jobs – they’re self-centered womanizing jerks, with no definable physical features out of the norm, but they pull in significant excesses of cash each month and women crawl out of holes just to drape themselves on them. To be fair, I realize that I put up with an awful lot from them because they have nice things and provide free beer too.

    Les, maybe the success of your website has led some people to come to equate that success with other success?

  22. This is a mantra of femininity

    Too true. The need for “nice guys” is a half truth, and “nice guys” tend to come bundled with their own problems in adapting.

    Pure speculation coming: I figure that women want guys who have dominant personalities as part of a natural imperative – some sort of leftover from the hunter-gatherer days. I know a lot of really nice guys – but their tendency to be passive or submissive stops them from getting the attention of others. Aggression is normative. I repeat – aggression is normative. I do not know an aggressive person who is without a date. That may not be the experiences of others.

    Yes, women want nice guys who indulge them, who tend to their emotions, who… whatever. That fits in with current social paradigms. But they want that at a different time (and for different reasons) than they want an aggressive man-ape as a provider of some things.

    I’ve said this before, but I believe people naturally desire primarily and almost exclusively those who will play to their sympathies. The difference is, the aggressor tries to take what he wants, and those who are willing, accept. “Nice guys” make the biggest mistake – they don’t gather people, and they should. There are far more problems that I don’t have the time or the patience to outline, as having been a “nice guy” I am intimately familiar with the relationship problems that led my down a path of loneliness and abandon.

    If being a “nice guy” were a requisite, I would not be friends with women who refuse to detach from abusive assholes, and I’ve been friends with several.

  23. I read somewhere that how nice a person is isn’t factored much into the decision of who to date, more how they feel, so shallow charming is often the trick of jerks. Jerks also give women a negative perception of anyone who isn’t a jerk – and make them afraid of nice people as being creepy, boring, wierd, etc. The women will fall for it if they blindly love the jerk and if they hear it echoed in society (being sociable creatures), and young love is often blind so things are buggered up early on. Jerks are also succesful in their jobs because they are objective about what they want, don’t want to end up as one of the ‘losers’ they label others and put more of their energy into career than self-restraint, also they barter for what they want, which can force employers into uncomfortable corners, and if the employer themselves is a jerk, like attracts like. There is the saying “the scum floats to the top”, I have to admit, the minimum wage job I do at the moment has some of the nicest people, the only thing bad about the job is the pay.

    Feminism is a powerful thing because men realise that if they are to date these women, as society and hormones pressures them to date someone, they have to comply, a kind of charming in a different way. Unfortunately this, and jerk beliefs, sink into subconcious actual belief and sometimes men regard women as superior to the other men they know and will discriminate. The nicer women that I know, like non-jerk men, believe in equality, and that neither gender should dominate the other. Discrimination can only exist when first somebody forms a prejudice, and some prejudices, like skin colour, are downright unfair because nobody can choose that.

  24. Patness: I figure that women want guys who have dominant personalities as part of a natural imperative – some sort of leftover from the hunter-gatherer days. I know a lot of really nice guys – but their tendency to be passive or submissive stops them from getting the attention of others.

    I think this is what society implicitly demands of women, but I don’t know if most women genuinely prefer a dominant man. Many do, of course, but I know that in my case that type turns me off faster than a bad case of genital warts. Come to think of it, I’ve never been interested in excessively “manly” men, I’ve never had fantasies of a guy sweeping me over his shoulder and carrying me off into the sunset, I’ve never been into really athletic or muscular guys, and so on. If you’re slender, sensitive, artistic, kind, and open-minded, I’ll give you a look. And you’ve got to have a sense of humor—serious people depress me.

  25. SS: And you’ve got to have a sense of humor—serious people depress me.

    One thing I’ve noticed is women seem to put a lot of emphasis on life being happy, for themselves and close people. They also put pressure upon themselves to be happy, and that adds to the distress when something goes wrong.

    If you’re too happy you don’t think the same way and so aren’t the under pressure to become kind, I believe people come out nicer and less conflicting after the serious thinking from being unhappy, and that might be why the generally less successful of both genders becomes nicer. I think it’s impossible to have a perfectly happy world because some people would remain asshats.

    The men who do want love and deep relationship, generally like kind women, nice men don’t like conflict.

  26. MM: I put up with an awful lot from them because they … provide free beer …

    Yeah, I agree; there’s no carrot quite like free beer.
    It has the ability to cancel out a fair amount of jerk and wanker.  wink

  27. Participating in thread drift:

    Patness: I figure that women want guys who have dominant personalities…

    Sadie: I think this is what society implicitly demands of women, but I don’t know if most women genuinely prefer a dominant man

    Yeah, I’m fairly skeptical of this.  Dominant personalities, as a general rule, tend to be both outwardly and inwardly more self-confident.  A lack of self-confidence correlates negatively with career success.  As a result, it follows that the more dominant personalities rise to the tops of organizations more often and have more money and more toys. 

    Women and men are no different than little kids.  Almost everybody wants to play at the kids house who has the coolest and most toys.  It’s pretty simple.

    LJ: Yeah, I agree; there’s no carrot quite like free beer.

    Except sex.

    I’ve never been into really athletic or muscular guys

    Bummer.  long face

  28. Well, allow me to clarify: athleticism in and of itself is fine, but no overgrown jocks. There’s a guy I know who, at age thirty-two, fits this description to a T. It wasn’t attractive fifteen years ago and it’s certainly not attractive on him now.  shut eye

  29. Consi: Except sex.

    Nah. At my age a beer lasts much longer and then I have to piss which, these days, is also better than sex … and lasts longer.  wink

    Sadie: fifteen years ago

    Twenty five years ago, you were five and I was 7 times your age; twenty years ago you were ten and I was 4 times your age; fifteen years ago you were fifteen and I was 3 times your age; now I’m only twice your age … I have no idea where this observation is going but thanks for bringing the Orange Hippy Chick back … from a time well before you were contemplated. LOL
    There you stood
    on the edge of your feather,
    Expecting to fly.
    While I laughed,
    I wondered whether
    I could wave goodbye,
    Knowin’ that you’d gone.

  30. Consi: 

    I’ve never been into really athletic or muscular guys

    Bummer.

    Is Consi admitting to being Mr Gay USA? This sounds the sort of person a Gay pin up is.

    LJ:  Twenty five years ago, you were five and I was 7 times your age; twenty years ago you were ten and I was 4 times your age; fifteen years ago you were fifteen and I was 3 times your age; now I’m only twice your age

    You’re obviously playing the long game with Sadie- wait long enough, the relative age difference is minute.  Course by that time the only woman in your pants will be the nurse changing your nappy.

  31. Sadie:If you’re slender, sensitive, artistic, kind, and open-minded, I’ll give you a look. And you’ve got to have a sense of humor—serious people depress me.

    Damn, knocked out right from the start. At 5’11, I should probably be a bit under my 240lbs.

    Well, allow me to clarify: athleticism in and of itself is fine, but no overgrown jocks.

    LOL I’ve never been accused of being a jock, even back in the days when I played baseball (I was a catcher for a couple of years). Of course, that was all many years ago, I’m just a tad behind less, turning 39 this year.

  32. Awww, KPG, I was just describing my ideal pin-up. It’s true that my boyfriend pretty much matches that description perfectly, but anyone’s winning personality can easily compensate for a lack of physical resemblance to George Harrison or Bob Dylan.  cheese

  33. I’m still waiting for a rich ex-porn actress to notice me and take me away from all this and marry me to help her manage her liquor store.

  34. *shrug* Thanks, Sadie. My girlfriend’s in NZ, while I’m stuck here studying for midterms. She thinks it’s a dumb holiday, though, and I agree. We’ll get all the valentine we need when she’s back.

  35. I’m 5-11, 220, love-handles but a bit more muscular than most guys my age (only middle-aged if I plan to live to 100), can run up 3 flights of stairs without getting winded, but not 4 flights.  And my hair-color is “bald” but MrsDoF manages to put up with me.  If personality matters that makes her affections even more of a mystery.

  36. At my age a beer lasts much longer and then I have to piss which, these days, is also better than sex … and lasts longer.

    A less than a

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