Now you know the rest of the story

Creationism vs. Evolution vs. Contradictionism: The Secret Untold Story

Creationism: About 7,000 years ago God created the universe. He did Earth in 7 days—first He did the basic frame; then the water; then the dirt; then the air; then the trees and plants (the landscaping); then the animals, fishies and birdies; and then the guy and the girl. Adam and Eve, He named them. God rested on the 7 th. day.

Pooped out—totally exhausted.

God gave Adam a pee pee (also known as a doodle or simply as “privates”) to make him a man. Adam got lonely, for obvious reasons; and started to fall into a deep depression. Adam wanted to watch too much TV, but there was no TV to be found since it hadn’t been invented yet. Zoloft, Paxil and Prozac were not available back then either, not even from Canada.

Adam couldn’t even engage in gay sex since there were no other men around. As a matter of fact, sex was not even an option since Adam was the only living person on earth.Adam was allowed to touch and hold his pee pee if he had to urinate but for no other reason, if you know what I mean.

One of God’s first rules was, “Adam, you should not have impure thoughts.” Adam actually didn’t have any thoughts whatsoever since he didn’t know who he was, where he was, what he was there for, what he was suppose to do or not do, and didn’t even know that he was on a place called Earth or that he was the first.

God just plunked him down in the Garden of Eden with no money, no weapons, no driver’s license, no passport, no clothes, and no instructions. Adam had no mother and no father; no brothers and no sisters; no grandparents; no nothing. He sure as hell didn’t have time for “impure thoughts.” But things were about to change.

God took a rib from Adam. He ripped it right out of Adams chest; no anesthesia or nothing. God put the rib in some water with some Miracle Grow or something and he created Eve. This means that God Himself cloned Eve from Adam’s rib. God also liked to do “stem cell research” in His spare time. And to Eve, He gave a wee wee to make her a woman. He made them to be about 30 years old according to the most recently available photographs of them of which there are numerous reprints in most Christian schools.

According to the photos, Adam and Eve were white Caucasians. Therefore, no one really knows how all the blacks, Hispanics, olive skinned Mediterranean types, American Indians, Eskimos, and other non-whites got that way. It might have been too much sunshine with no sunscreen available, or maybe it was their diet.

In 5000 years Hispanics, Chinese, Latinos (who were named after the Latin language called Latin), American Indians (who are not from India) and especially Blacks (who are named after the Crayola crayon called Black) have made “tremendous strides” according to white, Caucasian TV commentators. Look at Michael Jackson. He has turned White before our very eyes. (This is why Michael Jackson wanted an all-white jury for his child molestation trial).

And Oprah Winfrey’s facial features have evolved through the process of 20 years of evolution to resemble those of a Caucasian. This in itself proves the existence of the theory of evolution.

The pee pee, in combination with the wee wee worked out good (or well, depending on the proper use of English). Adam could now be a man; and Eve was given the right to be a woman, if she behaved and didn’t get out of hand, or start to have hot flashes and freak out once a month.

God created the menstrual cycle for Eve. He gave her cramps. He gave her headaches. Hot flashes. It was a mess. And sometimes Eve could be a real bitch. Adam could never understand it.

The menstrual cycle was one of God’s master achievements. The only way Eve could get rid of her damn menstrual cycle was to let Adam and his pee pee come in direct contact with her wee wee which resulted in her menstrual cycle shutting down for 9 months. However, the alternative of giving birth was hardly a welcome trade off.

The menstrual cycle was one of God’s crowning glories of mis-design——a true engineering disaster. God originally designed a 28 day, monthly menstrual cycle. However, He designed months with 30 days in them and some months even had 31. God developed a little poetic jingle so women could remember when their period was coming. It went like this – “30 days hath September, April, June and November; all the rest hath 31, except for February to which we 28 days assign, until leap year gives it 29.” This is how women keep track. It was all part of God’s Master Plan.

This screwed everything up since after a few years of 28 day menstrual cycles plus with Christmas, Easter, Washington’s Birthday, Lincoln’s Birthday, Lent, the long Thanksgiving Day weekend, National Cheese Day, and God’s poetic jingle – not a woman alive could tell when her bad time of month was going to start. Switching back and forth from Daylight Savings Time to Eastern Standard Time didn’t help either. And of course, having sex and getting pregnant would put the entire system into “shutdown mode” which would then have to be re-started nine months later. It’s like trying to shut down and re-start a nuclear power plant. A woman getting pre-menstrual cramps, hot flashes and headaches is like a nuclear meltdown anyway. You don’t want to be anywhere near it.

This is why God created the Blessed Virgin Mary – so she wouldn’t have to be tortured with this experience. The Blessed Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus without even having had sex. It was nice, clean, simple, tidy and – virginal. This is what the State of Virginia is named after as well as 100% Virgin Olive Oil. Also, when you hear about a “virgin forest” it is a forest that hasn’t had sex yet. Virgin wool comes from sheep that don’t have sex.

God’s design of the menstrual cycle is responsible for more lost human productivity, lost wages, lost work, and spontaneous outbursts of rage and violence than any other of God’s mistakes. It does accomplish one very important thing – it keeps men “in check.”

It is the one thing that makes a man “back off” – a woman who can flip out for no reason. God was going to give Man a menstrual cycle also but when He drew up the plans, at the last minute, being that this was the time of Creationism, he decided to give Adam some testicles instead. God can do anything He wants. He’s God. So God just said, “Let there be a menstrual cycle,” and it just happened. And then He said, “Let there be testicles,” and it just happened. This is Creationism at its most basic. All Christians should be taught this.

Adam was given testicles because men need balls to go into war and fight savagely and viciously. If one has what is known in technical terms as a pussy one can not fight an aggressive, life and death, hand to hand combat, battle. One has to have balls to do that. Most women have pussies or wee wee’s and most men have testicles or balls. The bigger the balls the better. The smaller the pussy the better. Its all part of God’s Master Plan. This was indeed part of Creationism and should be mandatory teaching in all schools.

Note: Generally men are encouraged to scratch their balls even though they don’t get very itchy. Women are forbidden to scratch their pussy even though the itching may be unbearable. Drug companies make billions of dollars on this type of vaginal itch phenomena. Its part of Evolution.

Anyway, Adam and Eve lived near a big apple tree and a snake came by that was really the Devil but he spoke good English. Most snakes spoke good English back 7,000 years ago. The snake spoke to Eve and said, “Eat the apple if you want to be happy.” The Devil was some kind of local fresh fruit salesman so Eve did not suspect that this was a trick to see if she could be lured into the mortal sin of eating an apple.

She had always been told to eat lots of fruits and vegetables all her life (ever since she was Created at the age of 30), and to eat a balanced diet so she just did not know the snake was the Devil in disguise. She thought it was just some ordinary snake giving her a hard time about not eating apples.

Eve tried to resist but how can you NOT eat an apple when a snake speaks really good English and tells you not to eat the apple. It’s like telling a woman to NOT eat the chocolates on St. Valentines Day. Adam just stood around looking suspicious. So Eve went and took a bite out of the nice red apple.

At that point God got really mad because this was all just a “set up” to see if Eve, the one with the wee wee, could resist the commands of the Devil who was disguised as an English-speaking snake. So God yelled out from up in Heaven, “Eve, you have sinned, you ate the freakin’ apple!”

Adam said, “Holy Shit, Eve, look what you’ve done now. Christ, our goose is cooked.” God made Adam an accomplice of Eve’s and He cast them out of the Garden of Eden which was a pretty nice garden back in those days (which is where the term “garden apartments” comes from).

From there it was all down hill for the two of them. All of a sudden they had to start wearing clothes and stuff. Eve had two sons named Cain and Able (they didn’t have last names because they were the first people on Earth and God didn’t give them a birth certificate or anything; not even a Social Security number).

Eventually, it is believed Adam and Eve got divorced. No one really knows how we evolved since that time since Evolution doesn’t exist, only Creationism, and God wasn’t in the business of creating one person after another, after another, after another, after another. It’s tiring. So God gave us two choices: we could use the wee wee and the pee pee to reproduce if we didn’t mind dealing with the whole menstrual cycle mess; or we could clone each other and keep it nice and clean and simple.

As humans we failed to discover cloning for thousands of years and so stuck with the old fashioned routine of actual physical contact between pee pee and wee wee. This made things difficult for women and men to get along because men like to go off to war and liberate other civilizations by annihilating them and exterminating whole groups of people so they could be free.

About 6,000 years later Jesus Christ was born. Jesus didn’t have a father because his mother was a Virgin. The neighborhood decided to call her the Blessed Virgin Mary. No one could hardly believe it, so they started to make statues of Mary with little water plates on them so birds could come down and get a drink of water on the Mary statutes. Most of the Blessed Virgin Mary statutes are in the front yards of Italians living mainly on Long Island, New York, and Toronto. No one knows why.

When Jesus was killed He created the Pope so He would have someone who could sit at a window and wave to the crowds in a place called the Vatican. Right before Jesus was killed, Jesus said to a guy named Peter, “Peter, you are a Rock, and upon this Rock I build my Church.”  Jesus was good at advertising and public relations—even though his message fell on deaf ears with Pontius Pilate and the Jews who cried for his crucifixion.

Since Jesus didn’t have a father he was technically a “bastard.” This sounds bad. So one of the Three Kings that had been stalking Mary and Joseph for nine months who followed a star in the sky and found them at the instant the birth was taking place said, ” Holy Jesus Christ Almighty.” So the name stuck. He was called either Holy Jesus or Jesus Christ or Christ Almighty. To this day, 6,000 years later, most people when something astonishingly wrong happens they say, “Holy Jesus,” “Jesus Christ,” or “Christ Almighty.” Or sometimes they will revert to the more primitive phrase and just say, “Bastard!”

Oh yeah, Mary married a much older guy named Saint Joseph. He became a saint because he was old and Mary was pretty good looking and young. If you were a 60-year old guy and could hook up with a 17-year old girl, what would you do? And Saint Joseph never had sex with Mary, even though she got pregnant (or so the story goes). Saint Joseph was quiet. He never said much.

Everyone just said, “Oh, there goes the older man with the pregnant teenage girl;  The Blessed Virgin Mary tried to cover it all up because she knew she would be stoned to death if her folks ever found out she was pregnant. Rumors had it that Joe didn’t even really do it. It was some teenager next door who was the real father of Jesus, but the teenage boy took off like a “bat out of Hell” when Mary told him she had missed her period because he knew that his family would probably bludgeon him to death, which was quite acceptable as a form of mild punishment about 2,000 years ago in the good old days.

Basically, Jesus, Mary and Joseph stayed out of sight for about 32 years until the day when Jesus started to appear again doing miracles like feeding 10,000 people at the Sermon on the Mount with only one fish and one loaf of bread. He also raised a boy name Lazarus from the dead. Lazarus was his only success. He tried raising about 30,000 dead boys from the dead but Lazarus was the only one that worked out well so it was called a miracle.

Jesus’ right hand man was a guy name Peter the Rock. After Jesus was crucified Peter got on a horse (or walked) to Rome and announced to the Roman Empire that then controlled all of civilization that he, Peter, was going to take over Rome and that he wanted about 100 acres of prime land in order to build a Vatican filled with ornate buildings that no one knows who built but were filled with gold. The Roman Empire said, “Sure, OK, if it’s OK with God and Jesus it’s OK with us.” Peter declared himself the first Pope. He called himself, Pope #1. He sent out a lot of direct mail and the money just started rolling in.

Most of the Popes since then have spent a lot of time and money killing most of the inhabitants of the earth that were not Christians. Christopher Columbus and the Spanish Conquistadors and other European Colonists had to kill about 12 million American Natives in order to bring the word of Christ to them. It was exhausting but it paid off because the Western World became Christian.

Most of the Native American Indians that survived were put on large parcels of land called Indian Reservations. Yes, this was land reserved for Indians. This was done so they couldn’t mingle with the white Christians. The Indians prospered by growing and harvesting tumbleweeds and prickerbushes and enjoying living in their teepees in the middle of nowhere. Living with sand storms in the middle of the dust bowl agreed with them. They were Indians.

Hundreds of millions of humans were killed trying to get them to believe that Jesus Christ was God. After a few centuries most of the remaining inhabitants of civilization gave in and said, “OK. He’s God”. So the plan worked. The Catholic Church and Christians learned that killing was a good and efficient method of proving that Jesus was God.

Much work still has to be done. Creationism has to be proven to the ignorant masses. The Ten Commandments have to be accepted by all remaining living human beings. Christian prayers in schools must be mandatory in order to properly teach hatred, intolerance, non acceptance, narrow mindedness, and morality and family values. The sanctity of life can only be assured if all those who disagree are eliminated and denied the sanctity of life.

A lot of Christians became disillusioned and broke off from the Church. They were called Protestants and they are destined to go to Hell because they don’t believe in the one true Church and the authority of the Pope. The Pope is the only person in the world who can not make a mistake. He is infallible. If you refuse to believe that, you go to Hell. Sorry, no exceptions. You can’t just say that the Pope is just a kind old man. That’s not good enough. When the Pope speaks, it is God speaking. God created the Pope.

The Pope just died. He was a great man. He accomplished many things for mankind in the last 25 years. He became the best waver the world has ever known. No one could wave to a crowd better than the Pope. Millions came from all over the world to see the Pope wave. The Pope also mastered being a passenger in his Popemobile. Often he would combine the two; riding in the Popemobile and waving. It gave people great hope. The Pope waved goodbye to 5 million people in Africa last year because he forbade them to use condoms when having sex and they died of AIDS.

The Pope gave them hope as they died and as he waved goodbye to them. They had not sinned and they would be guaranteed eternal bliss in Heaven. Getting AIDS in Africa is God’s way of saying “Thank You” for not using a condom. Bless You.

Without birth control the population of the planet Earth is supposed to reach 9 billion from its present 5 billion by the year 2020. This is good. The more people the merrier. It’s not good to be alone. You might be tempted to have impure thoughts. And with 9 billion people we can really have some dandy wars. There are no plans on ending the menstrual cycle. Some things will stay the same.

People like Rev. (money grubber, dangerous educator) Jerry Fallwel, Rev. (prostitute solicitor) Jimmy Swaggart, Rev. (ex-con, scam artist) Jim Baker, Rev. (phony faith healer) Benny Hinn, Rev. (presidential advisor to more than four dishonest American Presidents) Billy Graham, Rev. (ex-alcoholic) Billy Graham, Jr., Rev. (murderer of 900 gullible people) Jim Jones, and Rev. (God Almighty, to think he was running for President) TV Evangelist phony, Pat Robertson – will, through no fault of their own all be going to Hell. God is not fooled by them.

The Pope makes Saints. To become a Saint you have to submit an application but it takes about a hundred years to get approved and you have to prove you performed a miracle, not just a card trick, but a real miracle. If you become a Saint people will pray to you and ask you for favors, just like lobbyists do to President Bush and to Congressmen and Senators. It’s the same type of system except that Saints usually don’t grant you your request. If you pay a Senator enough money he will grant you your request.

The present (now departed) Pope was Pope John II. His main function was to wave at crowds from a window. Every 20 years he would write a pamphlet called an Encyclical that states that “nothing in the world should change”. The people usually hail it as a masterpiece of progressive religious legislation. When famous people come to Rome they get to meet with the Pope and get their picture taken with him. Some of them kiss his ring. He blesses them. And off they go. The rest of the millions upon millions of people that travel from all over the world to see God’s main spokesperson get a wave. Sometimes he ventures out in his Popemobile that is a special mini-van with bullet proof windows so no one can kill him.

If you don’t do what God and the Pope says than you get to go to Hell. All Protestants automatically go to Hell according to the Pope and the teachings of the Catholic Church. Jews killed Jesus even though Jesus Himself was a Jew, so Jews are goners. Muslims are some kind of aberration. In eleven years of Catholic education I never even knew what a Muslim was. They were Arabs, in robes, that rode on camels in the desert for no apparent reason. All citizens of Africa will go to Hell because they are Pagans.

Hell is a busy place. God may be loving, but He has a very quick temper. One curse word, one impure, lustful thought, one unrepressed sexual urge in an unmarried state, one lingering doubt about Jesus – all these things can land you in Hell and probably will.

I certainly don’t want to alarm you but Hell is probably your destiny. It’s hot there. Picture the worst hot flash you have ever had and multiply it by 1000. Everyone you hate is there. Picture a party where all the people that you detest, despise and hate the most are all crammed into one big auditorium, with no ventilation, and everyone is yelling and screaming and sweating – and you are right in the middle. There are no chairs. No doors or windows. No food, no water and no cell phones. And all the toilets are backed up. And you are stuck there for life. That’s Hell.

All the praying and all the church-going and all the last minute remorse is not going to save you. Changing your life is not going to save you. Begging for forgiveness is not going to save you. God is all wrathful. God is all just. And God is out to get you. You can run, but you can’t hide. HE knows you did it. And don’t try to tell him you didn’t. He keeps detailed records on your life. You can’t BS Him. He has the evidence. You can’t get away.

The only people in Heaven are the Saints, so good luck. Most of the Popes are in Heaven too and that is where they continue to wave to all the people in Hell. It’s rewarding. The Catholic Church is the richest single entity on the face of the earth. It is richer than the U.S Federal Government.

No one knows who actually collects all the money, how it gets to Rome, or what the money is spent on. Much of it has been spent on legal defenses for priests from Boston for preying upon (not praying upon) young boys. Once the Pope apologized for 5,000 priests that molested young innocent boys. That was a nice gesture because 5,000 pedophiles is a lot of pedophiles.

Of course, the whole story about Creationism and Evolution got out of hand, which is where we are today. There are more than 12 different versions of the Bible all claiming to be the one true version. There are more than 25 versions of the 10 Commandments all claiming to be the one and only true version of the 10 Commandments. This is good because it gives one a lot of choices. Of course, the wrong choice will get you straight into Hell.

Can you believe all this happened in 6,000 years. The Great Pyramids were built only 5,000 years ago. It’s all so incredible. It’s all proof that there is a God. He’s probably monitoring your emails right now.

And that’s where the story ends of how God created the world. It’s called Creationism.

Most people who believe in Creationism suffer from cretinism and are called Cretins. It is a form of Christianity. It is in the Webster’s New World Dictionary.

Conclusion: Evolution can be proven because in the year 2,000 we have electrical sockets and plugs called “the male plug” and “the female socket.” These two items which can be purchased in any local Ace Hardware Store, evolved from Adam and Eve themselves. It is direct proof that the wee wee and the pee pee that God Himself designed and created at the time of Creationism eventually evolved through the process of Evolution into the modern day electrical apparatus. Also, when the male electrical plug is inserted into the female electrical socket a completed electrical circuit is completed resulting in the “birth” of an electrical current. So, the next time you are at Home Depot ask the clerk, “can you tell me where I would find the pee pee and the wee wee,” and they will know exactly what you are talking about. So help me God! If not, ask them what aisle the “privates” are on.

The End
Author Unknown
From the Blog http://groups.msn.com/God-101
Allan W Janssen

8 thoughts on “Now you know the rest of the story

  1. Yea the whole your going to hell for using a condom thing really pisses me off.  Excellent analysis, fascinating read.

  2. Moses: Pooped out—totally exhausted.

    I was just thinking it’s rather un-Godlike and Human-ish that he rested on the 7th day.
    It’s nearly almost as if he was made in our image, A?  LOLLOL😆

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