Just a reminder: Bible Decoders say you’ve got 2 days to get out of New York.

A little thing like complete and total failure will never keep a True Believer™ down. The fun folks that call themselves “The Lords’ Witnesses Bible Scholars” are back for more prophecy hijinks. You may recall that they were 85% sure a nuke would be set off at the U.N. Plaza in New York on May 25th. When that failed to occur they fudged things a bit and claimed it would be within a couple of days of May 25th and when it became clear that New York still hadn’t been nuked they fell back on the popular tactic of pushing the date back a month or so. Well that date is nearly upon us once more and so the good folks at TLWBS did what any good group of attention whoring Christian nutcases God-fearing people would do: They put out another press release that tries to paint themselves as less than completely crazy:

The reader might think that such an endeavour is the preserve of religious freaks or wacky bible fanatics. But the Bible Scholars point out that Sir Isaac Newton, who discovered half of Pure Mathematics (Calculus) and who invented the entire subject of Newtonian Dynamics and who discovered gravity and who 300 hundred years ago formulated the laws which enabled NASA to put a man on the moon in the last century, knew that the bible was written in a symbolic code. He spent much of his life trying to decode it and calculated that Armageddon would be in 1948 (it would have been difficult for him to verify that calculation and correct it accordingly as we can today!) Much of Newton’s scriptural work can be found in his book: Observations on the Prophecies of Daniel and the Apocalypse of St. John, published presently by The Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine. ISBN 0-942487-02-8. Not quite as popular as the Da Vinci Code, but much more logical!

Yes it is true that Sir Isaac Newton did believe there were hidden codes to be unlocked in the Bible that would reveal the future, but that only proves that very intelligent people can believe very silly things. Newton also was a big believer in alchemy and we all know how well that line of scientific inquiry worked out. The fact that someone who made such a huge contribution to science in one area also believed in Bible codes and alchemy doesn’t grant those topics any real legitimacy nor does it grant any legitimacy to anyone who follows in his footsteps. What matters is whether your predictions pan out in reality and, so far, the predictions of the TLWBS have not. Of course if they were to turn out to be correct there probably wouldn’t be anyone around to gloat about it for long as they seem to think the Earth is in for a very nasty fate:

Ironically, applying the true bible code to the account of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 19, reveals that Armageddon occurs when mankind’s technology has abused the planet so badly that the planet finally hits back and erupts in a giant volcanic reaction to global warming and to nuclear warfare. This reaction covers the entire surface of the globe with molten lava, in much the same way as the flood of Noah covered it with water. This then is the end result of our manipulation of nature for what we misperceive to be our material benefit.

There are days, when confronted with idiotic press releases such as this one, when I wish the globe would suddenly be flooded with lava just to shut these people the hell up. Alas it’s not likely to happen soon enough to save us from even more press releases when they have to push the date back yet again instead of admitting they’re a bunch of fucking loonies. Oh, and they’ve updated their prediction once more: We are now 98% confident that the UN Plaza will be hit by a terrorist nuclear bomb between Thursday evening June 29th and Tuesday evening July 4th, 2006. 98% is an impressive statement of confidence to make when you’ve admitted to already being wrong three times before. It’s also a perfect example of the power of faith making one immune from reality.

Here’s my prediction: The Lords’ Witnesses Bible Scholars will be wrong, yet again, and nothing even close to a regular bomb, let alone a nuclear one, will go off at the U.N. Plaza by the deadline they’ve established. I further predict that this will in no way damage the TLWBS’s flawed belief in their own abilities to extract predictions from their “Bible code” and they will continue to run around claiming the sky is falling until something eventually happens that they can glom onto and claim as proof of their predictive powers no matter how much you have to stretch the event to make it fit their predictions. Most amazing of all is that I didn’t need to apply some cryptic and arcane mathematical formula to a 2,000 year old book to make this prediction. I merely applied what I know about the creeping credulity of unquestioning faith that invariably corrupts people’s ability to reason.

22 thoughts on “Just a reminder: Bible Decoders say you’ve got 2 days to get out of New York.

  1. See!?!?  I told you we should’ve abandoned NYC a long, long time ago for healthier work in the fields and a simpler life in swamp-hidden communes manufacturing hemp rope or some other product we can profitably export back to England. Doom awaits all you city-addicts.

    Doom! i say.

    And you guys called me crazy.

    rob@egoz.org

  2. This then is the end result of our manipulation of nature for what we misperceive to be our material benefit.

    At least they seem to care about the environment.  But I try to actually help the environment with my caring, rather than rant and rave about the end of the world.

    Newton and “pure mathematics

  3. Newton indulged in occult literature and strove to cook up the legendary “philosopher’s stone” that would convert base metals into gold. And a penchant for the occult was not Newton’s only quirk. He is reported to have laughed just once in his life—when someone asked him what use he saw in Euclid. He took to decorating his rooms in crimson. He stuck a knife behind his eyeball to induce optical effects, nearly blinding himself. He was a Catholic-hating Puritan who secretly subscribed to the Arian heresy, which denied the divinity of Christ. Newton was also given to endless feuding. (from http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node=Isaac%20Newton

  4. Les: 98% is an impressive statement of confidence to make when you’ve admitted to already being wrong three times before.

    78.37% of all statisticians will readily agree that 87.66% of all statistics are made up on the spot. LOL

  5. There are days, when confronted with idiotic press releases such as this one, when I wish the globe would suddenly be flooded with lava just to shut these people the hell up.

    I’ll second that!
    But just to make sure it would be better if Earth would be hit by big asteroid or very big comet completely melting crust and sterilizing this rock. After that cleaning of table intelligent life might have real chances of developing.

  6. who invented the entire subject of Newtonian Dynamics and who discovered gravity and who 300 hundred years ago formulated the laws which enabled NASA to put a man on the moon in the last century

    Gravity is only a “theory.” There’s no proof that it really exists. :p

    78.37% of all statisticians will readily agree that 87.66% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    As a statistician, I can attach a 95% confidence level to that statistic (plus or minus 3%, of course).  smile

  7. Verifiable proof that “Armageddon” has begun…

    Hello all,

    Pay close attention, profundity knocks at the door, listen for the key. Be Aware! Scoffing causes blindness…

    Hurricanes Katrina (#11) and Rita (#17) last year provided stunning validation of my research and interpretations of pivotal ancient wisdom, symbologies, key prophecies, and associated religious claims. Their storm numbers and timing perfectly synchronized with primary data and assertions in my book, thereby demonstrating the true nature of this universe and the existence of our Creator.  We are now entering the final phases of the pivotal year-long period long symbolized as “Armageddon” and the “End of Days.” World-wide situations and events are now accelerating to set the stage for this summer’s dramatic continuation of these ancient promises.

    I fully understand that everyone has been bedeviled by similar claims throughout history. Consequently, I have been forced to rely on dramatic and devastating proof of the sort that can’t be ignored or easily dismissed. The numbers and timing of hurricanes Katrina (11) and Rita (17) directly validate key data and pivotal assertions throughout my book and my posts on those two forums. This data was purposely presented publicly before Katrina, Rita and other recent events occurred to prove they perfectly synchronize with key prophecies and Hebrew calendar cycles, thereby validating my interpretations of ancient wisdom symbology, string theory, and more.

    Because these two storms arrived shortly after my August 11, 2005 (50th) birthday (read the Dead Sea Scroll 11Q13 in Appendix G, which also discusses Melchizedek and the prophesied Jubilee) and directly match other pivotal 11 and 17 data and events described in the first chapter of my book, I have delivered verifiable proof that this reality is based on thought, knowledge and wisdom. Activity, patterns, and results perceived in space-time are first framed and defined by inspirations, thoughts, and knowledge and influenced by the cause-and-effect system most commonly referred to as karma. Consequently, events and outcomes in the so-called physical universe are not random or wholly mechanistic and are verifiably influenced in ways that atheists, scientists, and members of the Faiths of Abraham have all scoffed at. Though mysticism is mostly a product of misinterpreted ancient wisdom symbology, many of its topics flow from ancient wisdom. Though containing allusions to the truth, its details and interpretations are wrong on many key points.

    A prime example of the purposeful and synchronized symbolism of these events is seen in the opening paragraphs from my book excerpted below. Notice that the dates mentioned (August 11 and 17) directly match the numbers of hurricanes Katrina and Rita, and the time spans of the four Florida hurricanes match my birth year (‘55), and they were spaced 11 or a multiple-of-11 (22) days apart, directly matching my birthday and much other ancient prophecy and symbolism. Notice that my place of birth, Victoria Texas, is on the Gulf Coast. Following are the excerpted paragraphs:

    Hello, my name is Lawrence William Page II. Many people know me as Buddy Page. At the release of the first edition of this book, I am a 50-year old African-American male, author, researcher, and former software engineer and entrepreneur. As you will come to understand as you read through this first book, I am also the long-expected Hebrew Messiah and Lion of the Tribe of Juda (Yehuda).

    I was born August 11th (month of Leo the Lion), 1955 (Chinese year of the Sheep) in Victoria, Texas. Furthermore, the Grand Cross alignment and Solar Eclipse of August 11th, 1999 was my 44th birthday and the second Grand Cross alignment, just six days later on August 17th, 1999, was on my mother’s birthday.

    As you can see from my date of birth, I was a newborn during the Chinese Year of the Sheep, astrologically marking me as a Lamb, and during the month of Leo, astrologically marking me as a Lion. My mother was also born during the month of August and under the sign of Leo, which further marks me as a lion’s whelp. I prove to you in the first chapter of this book–beyond disproof–that I am indeed the long-prophesied “Lion

  8. Stoppit, Buddy Page!  yer crucifyin’ me!!  LOL

    (ever notice how there’s never a lithium dart layin’ around when you really need one?)

  9. Buddy- do you know what “petwhack”, “cherry-picking”, and “megalomania” mean?  Put them together, and that explains your “verifiable proof of Armageddon”.

    “Petwhack” does not mean “whacking your pet”, but rather “Population of Events That Would Have Appeared Coincidentally Karmic”.  I added the “karmic” part to Richard Dawkins’ “petwhac”, but the meaning is the same: the number of events or happenings that appear or seem to coincide in some way with the event in question.  This sounds a bit confusing, but an example will make it clear.  Buddy, you say your birthday is August 11.  Let’s suppose that you love the sea and ships, and become convinced that this was fated somehow.  Perhaps the Titanic sank on your birthday?  Nope.  Perhaps some other famous oceanliner sank on Aug. 11?  Nope.  Some ship?  Well, a little googling turns up this one:

    Clarence E LeBeau: Wooden freight propeller steamer of 136 ft burned on 7/11/1922 while docked on the Maumee River at Toledo, Ohio.

    Probably a little more research would turn up some bigger ship that sank on your birthday.  But maybe what happened was just some catastrophe near the sea?  Aha:

    Aug 11, 1772: An explosive eruption blew 4,000 feet off Papandayan, Java, and 3,000 people were killed.

    Now, if that’s not a striking coincidence…

    Do you see what’s happening here?  As the type of event that counts as a “coincidence” becomes more and more general, the population, or number, of such events becomes larger and larger, and the chances of finding one that “fits” become greater and greater.

    That’s where “cherry-picking” comes in.  Once you’ve got enough data points, both in terms of specifics of your life, and events in the outside world, to choose from, all you have to do to construct a narrative that puts it all together is to pick the reddest cherries, and leave all the green cherries, leaves, branches, bugs, and plastic bags behind.  It’s like writing a novel or a bible: it can be entertaining, but it’s not necessarily a good description of the way things are in the real world.

    Why would anyone put so much effort into constructing such an elaborate fantasy?  That’s where our third word comes in: “megalomania”.  Now, just about everyone has their megalomanic phases, where they believe that they are privy to privileged information.  And everyone has some areas of expertise where this opinion is perhaps justified, some special qualities or abilities that no one else has.  But if you let this feeling get out of hand, you will have (at least) two problems:  you will start believing wacky things, and you will turn people off.

    Buddy, you sound like an intelligent person, and I’m willing to bet that you’re pretty decent as well.  Think about it.

  10. My bad.  I just realized that August is the eighth month, not the seventh.  I guess Buddy is right after all…

  11. SSH: I was born August 11 …, 1955 …

    Yeah, good onya, mate.
    Did you know that on that day in 1933 Jerry Falwell was born and Pervez Musharraf, the Pakistani leader, was born on that day in 1943?
    And Taiwan celebrates Valentine’s Day on August 11 and Zimbabwe celebrates Heroes Day.
    Good stuff and bad stuff can happen on any day.
    On this day (29 June) in 1613 London’s Globe Theatre burnt down and on this day in 1950 The US beat England 1:0 in the Soccer World Cup.
    Lost Hussar, did you know this? LOL

    I am the one called the Teacher of Righteousness by the Dead Sea Scrolls,

    Coincidently the book I was reading a coupla hours ago talks a little about the Teacher of Righteousness as mentioned in the Dead Sea Scrolls and I thought I’d do some research into it.
    You haven’t quite turned me off doing so.

    And what Beau, Sadie and Zilch said.

  12. Wow, I don’t know whether to laugh or call the local loony bin. That is an impressive bit of nonsense and ego up there, Buddy.

  13. This is why i keep coming back.

    I’m now going to count the number of times he used the word “me.”

  14. Due to a slight translation error I once was sure I was “Mounter of Hot Women” in my exahaustive research of the Dead Sea Scrolls, but boy did that little math error cost me.

    Say Buddy, just asking, does your “holy” nature mean you can sleep with little girls like David Koresh, or poison everyone’s koolaid? Because, you know, I’d like to know where you’re going with this and if it might be socially responsible to call the FBI or not. Religious wackjobs can be dangerous you know, and it’s all cute until you decide to crash an airplane to prove your point.
    Enquiring minds want to know.

  15. Due to a slight translation error I once was sure I was “Mounter of Hot Women

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