First we had Eric Julien and his warnings of massive tsunamis that would be both caused and averted by extraterrestrials and now the Bible Code True Believers™ want in on the fun of predicting impending doom:
Firstly we strongly advise anyone in New York City with any faith in God, whatever his religion or whatever his distrust of organised religion, to take the second weekend in June off, and leave NYC for that weekend.
You can then study this fascinating article outside NYC at your leisure, during that weekend or more to the point, after that weekend! It is going to be hard to find the necessary time during the next few days, given the busy schedule of every New Yorker, to sit down and fully analyze the fruits of 14 years of bible decoding and reach a rational decision about such a momentous prediction. So the sensible course of action might be to judge for yourself whether we are sincere in our efforts to decode the bible. And if you see that we are sincere, then rather than taking an intellectual walk from basic faith to accurate bible prophecy, just rely on all of the work that we have so far done and on the basis of your faith and our sincerity, take the weekend out of the city.
Now mind you I can think of worse reasons to take a weekend away from a big city such as New York, but you gotta love the fact that they start right off with an appeal for you to abandon whatever reasoning skills you might have and just take what they’re about to say on faith. Just trust us, we’ve been at this a long time.
We have everything to lose and nothing to gain if we are not sincere. We also have a lot to lose if we are wrong. We have done this work in order to save lives. We risk looking like complete turkeys on June 11th if nothing has happened by then, rather than looking like the wackos that we presently look like to most people. But it does not really matter what we look like, what matters is that people start taking the bible seriously at this late stage in the divine plan.
At least these folks admit that they look like whackos for hyping this nonsense and I’ll give them credit for recognizing that they’ll look like complete idiots if Sunday comes with nary a firecracker going off in the U.N. Plaza, but that doesn’t stop them from looking batshit insane as they continue on with their explanation as to why they think this event will come to pass. It’s an interesting, if amusing and long, read and it reveals a very different view of Christianity than what a lot of folks adopt. For example, God apparently places a lot of importance on men’s dicks in general and Abraham’s dick in particular. It seems that, thanks to Abraham having a circumcised dick, everybody who has faith in God goes to Heaven and only the faithless go to Hell:
11 And he received a sign, namely, circumcision, as a seal of the righteousness by the faith he had while in his uncircumcised state, that he might be the father of all those having faith while in uncircumcision, in order for righteousness to be counted to them (Romans 4).
The point is that Abraham is a father of all those with faith, whether they are in the true religion (which was Judaism after the circumcision and before Christ) or not. So just as he fathered Ishmael the progenitor of the Muslims and Isaac the progenitor of the Jews, through Jacob, genetically, so he fathers by covenant all those with faith in God. This covenant is called the first Abraham Covenant. It is the legal basis for the salvation of every human who has faith in God independent of their religion or their church. The first Abrahamic covenant saves Muslims, Hindus, Bhuddists, Kabbalah followers, Christian Scientists, Jews, Mormons, Catholics, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Falun Gong believers, Protestants, Pentecostals and even Politicians and Paedophiles so long as these ones have faith in God. The First Abrahamic Covenant is religion independent. It is the very thing that control freak churches hate. It means that your salvation is dependent on your relationship with God, not on your standing in your church. Here is God’s promise to Abraham for this fundamental covenant, made before the circumcision and the Law of Moses, i.e. made outside of any organised religion…
And a little further down we get…
The validated covenant is the First Abrahamic Covenant (the 1AC), the blessing of Abraham which comes by means of Jesus, is citizenship of the Kingdom of God (i.e. not going to hell). Jesus died to ransom Abraham with his human body and to ransom Adam with his angelic spirit. For more on this please see http://www.biblecodeintro.com/intro28.html. So Jesus’ sacrifice enables us to get the blessing of Abraham. And our faith entitles us to that blessing. Throughout history, all those who have had faith in God have entered this covenant and these people will be saved and resurrected into the Kingdom of God that Jesus preached. Whereas those without faith will go to hell. Hell is a not a place where we are physically tortured. It is a place where we a rehabilitated by God. In hell we exist as conscious spirit but with no physical bodies. So we cannot possibly escape. Neither can we effect people outside hell, we can only learn. Those in hell have defiled their bodies that God gave them, or have deprived others of their bodies, so they lose their bodies for a very long time, up to 1,000 years maximum sentence. For more on Hell see http://www.biblecodeintro.com/intro14.html.
This is certainly good news for believers of all stripes even though it seems to contradict a number of passages in the Bible that suggest the number of people getting into Heaven will actually be quite limited. So too it turns out that us faithless bastards don’t have to worry about going to Hell so much as it’s not a place of endless torment, but rather a kind of remedial school/cosmic prison that we’ll eventually earn our way out of though it could take a very long time to do so. This also would seem to contradict a few passages from the Bible, but that’s not entirely surprising at this point.
From there it takes awhile to get around to actually telling us how they figured out that the U.N. Plaza would get a nuclear enema tomorrow (or Saturday), but they eventually get to it and, as an added bonus, the exact date of the End of the World! For the curious it’ll be March 21st 2008 so start signing up for those DON’T PAY ANYTHING FOR TWO YEARS credit offers now and go to town!
Now many churches understand that since the 1,000 year kingdom of God is a sabbath over which Jesus is Lord, which is the 7th of 7 equally long ‘days’, then there must be a 6,000 year long working week that precedes it, a working week of six 1,000 year long days. This 6,000 year week is the period during which Satan is our king. And he works us like slaves to sin. But we are freed by Jesus on the 7th day. Now Satan took over as king when Adam sinned, and Adam sinned when he was 33½ years old, and was evicted from God’s garden into Satan’s world. He was the precise same age as Jesus was when he paid from that sin on good Friday 33 CE. For Jesus was 33½ years old when he died. Now if you add up all the ages of the patriarchs in Genesis very carefully and if you accurately calculate the chronology of the Kings of Israel and Judah, you can work out that Adam was born in the Hebrew month of 4027Tishri BC (August/September). So he sinned 33½ years later on 3993Nisan BC. In fact he sinned on 3993Nisan14 BC, the same day in the Hebrew Calendar that Jesus died. Jesus died on 33Nisan14, Friday April 1st 33 AD. The bible is written in a Hebrew lunar calendar which we call the Biblical Lunar Calendar – see http://www.truebblecode.com/understanding4.html.
Now if we add 6,000 years to 3993Nisan14, then we end up on 2008Nisan14 (March 21st 2008). And that is the last day of this world – see http://www.biblecodeintro.com/intro44.html. The Kingdom of God begins on the 3rd day inclusively thereafter i.e. 2008Nisan16 (2008 March 23rd), and then Armageddon lasts 150 days and is over by 2008Elul15 (August 19/20). Jesus comes down on 2008Iyyar29 (May5/6) to sort out the sheep from the goats, and the faithful are raptured on 2008Tammuz1 (June 6/7).
From there they go into “Nuclear Bombs and Birth Pangs” which attempts to explain how Armageddon is the eventual nuclear war that’ll take place once the world ends, but before that there’ll be small nuclear attacks by terrorists (aka tools of Satan) that will be like mini-Armageddons. Here’s what I don’t understand, though. Take a look at this explanation of Armageddon:
At Armageddon, those with faith are saved physically and enter into the kingdom of God as humans with indefinitely long living bodies, perfect human bodies if you will, perfect versions of their present bodies. For God did not fail with Adam, he just suffered a 6,000 year blip in the inexorable progress of his program to bring mankind to loving perfection. And those without faith die physically and go to hell for up to 1,000 years. Armageddon is the all out nuclear holocaust that mutually assured destruction assures will happen. But each nuclear bomb prior to Armageddon is a mini Armageddon for those within its reach. And just as God will save the faithful himself, through Jesus at Armageddon. So he will save the faithful from each nuclear bomb that goes off prior to Armageddon through the holy spirit and through warnings such as this. Of course the holy spirit can just incite anyone it wants to leave New York City for all sorts of reasons on June 9/10.
Based on the first sentence or two Armageddon sounds like what the True Believers™ have been waiting for all along: The chance to finally enter Heaven with perfect bodies to chill with the All Mighty from that point forward. So why the hell (if you’ll pardon the pun) would they want to leave NYC and avoid partaking in a mini-Armageddon? It’s like being let into the club early, right? I mean, I can certainly see why the faithless might want to get out of NYC before things heat up, but you’d think Christians would be flocking to the city in hopes it actually comes to pass.
I mean, if Heaven is such a great thing and everyone who believes can’t wait to get into it then why would God warn them to stay away from a mini-Armageddon through hidden Bible codes? According to Christian teachings the world sucks big donkey dick and pales in comparison to the wonders of Heaven. You’d think they’d be lining up to charter buses to New York. But no, they’re running around yelling “THERE’S A GOOD CHANCE A LOT OF FOLKS WILL MAKE IT INTO HEAVEN IF THEY’RE IN NEW YORK THIS WEEKEND SO STAY AWAY!” What the fuck is wrong with these people?
Don’t answer that because the answer is obvious: Religion has rotted their ability to reason so much that nonsense passes for deep wisdom.
The rest of the page just goes downhill from there. Every time you think it can’t get any sillier it somehow manages to do so. It’s an amazing feat of delusional thinking. The best, however, is saved for last. They present a listing of all the people and organizations they’ve contacted with this vital information:
All the 100 plus permanent missions to the UN (fax), including the Vatican permanent mission to the UN.
29 Congresspersons representing NY State (fax)
61 State Senators (email)
Senators Hillary Clinton and Charles Schumer (fax)
Mayor Bloomberg (fax)
FBI (web tip submission)
New York City and State Fire Department (fax)
US National Fire Administration (fax)
The top 100 Newspapers in the US (http://www.eworldwire.com)
All the media oufits that cover the New York Metro Area (http://www.eworldwire.com)
Google News and other search engine news sites (http://www.prweb.com, http://www.eworldwire.com)
205,000 online reads and 33,500 media outlet pick ups so far through the PRweb newswire
Press release through http://www.send2press.com to every newspaper in the US with circulation more than 35,000 etc etc.
220,000 junk faxes sent to area code 212 (this is legal from the UK and for non commercial material)
140 Kingdom Halls in the NYC area (by letter)
Head offices (Bethels) of the Watchtower in 70 different countries (by fax)
All the governing body members and corporate officers of the 9 corporations of the Watchtower (by letter)
Hundreds of churches and religious bodies in NYC (email and fax).
Interview on the Tommy and Rumble show on NWOR Virginia (everything that rocks!) http://www.fm99.com/Recap.asp
It’ll be interesting to see come Sunday if these folks are still grounded enough to admit they were off their rockers to make this prediction in the first place or if they decided to pull an Eric Julien and claim that they managed to avert the disaster by getting the warning out (or some similar rationalization). Guess which outcome I’m betting on.
Link via ***Dave.