Televangelist Rod Parsley thinks you’re a dumbass…

… and he’s ready to help you offset the problems being a dumbass brings with it.  For a paltry $50 he’ll contact his close and personal friend, God, and ask him to grant you a Protection From My Own Credulous Stupidity blessing for the next year! Ed Brayton fills us in on the details:

Specifically, he said that God would bless them with three things. He would make sure they heard His voice more clearly than ever; he would make sure they were “protected from the deceptions of the adversary” (Satan, presumably, but perhaps Bill Clinton); and my personal favorite, he promised them that they would receive protection from making bad decisions – but only for one year. Just think how braindead someone has to be to fall for this kind of nonsense.

Isn’t that great? Now you can continue to be a dumbass without all those negative consequences usually associated with it. What’s really amazing to me, though, is to learn that God apparently doesn’t believe in Prayer Network Neutrality and will actually listen more closely to people who send Rod Parsley money than those who don’t. No wonder so many Internet providers want to abandon Network Neutrality. If a tiered system is good enough for God then it’s good enough for the Internet.

As for the protection from your own stupidity thing, I’m assuming he’s going to unleash a network of Guardian Angels to do the heavy lifting in that regard. Let’s just hope it’s not the same dude as in all those Capital One commercials.

11 thoughts on “Televangelist Rod Parsley thinks you’re a dumbass…

  1. Wow—a Subscriber-based Wisdom model … sounds like something Micro$oft would try.

    Next thing you know, he’ll be arguing that people can by annual subscriptions to grace and salvation (“Enroll for 5 years, and you save a whopping $725 off the total prices, and we’ll throw in these inspirational CDs!”).

  2. …for an extra $75 you can get TWO years protection at no extra charge! We’ll also throw in this handy anti-hippopotamus charm!

  3. I think you should all know that every night I pray that you all don’t get eaten by a duck billed platypus.  Given that none of you have, you now owe me $200 each.

    (Worth a try)

  4. I’ll bet Rod Parsley reckons Akin the Nigerian boy is a sinner to be protected from. wink

  5. Yeah, Hussar, but given the fact that you weren’t eaten alive by a T. Rex last night, I’d say we’re even.  All you other survivors, cough up.

  6. They’re marketing sucks, b/c only their own guys would fall for this load of shit.  Leave it to people who hate free will to find the cheesiest ways to suck it from people!

  7. I think thay you all need to stop playing with god be cause jesus is coming back and I would hate to be in your shoes. we all need to be praying for each other and our troops who are loosing their lives everyday. The familes that are missing their love ones
            peace out

  8. I’d hate for anyone but me to be in my shoes too. They’re MY SHOES dammit, if YOU want shoes get your own.

  9. BUY ONE MIRACLE FOR 45 DOLLARS AND GET THE SECOND MIRACLE HALF PRICE!! CO PASTOR BILL CANFIELD OF WORLD HARVEST CHURCH IS THE UNCLE OF RANAE SHRIVER THE MODEL WHO HAD PUBLIC SEX WITH MEME THE MIDGET FROM AUSTIN POWERS MOVIE.

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