I have no idea what the proper scientific/medical term for “ass crack” happens to be so I made something up just so I could mention that I seem to have somehow injured mine right near the very top where it first starts near the lower back. This isn’t the first time I’ve injured myself in that particular region, but this one has persisted the longest of them all—close to two months now—and the thing that really bugs me about it (other than it makes sitting down a literal pain in the ass) is the fact that I don’t have a clue how the hell I injured my ass crack to begin with. My suspicion is it is related to the chairs I’ve been sitting in lately as the one here at work isn’t particularly comfortable and the one I’d been using as a computer chair at home was an old kitchen chair until I was able to find a nice chair on sale at Office Max. Granted my posture isn’t the greatest to begin with, but having a sore butt crack doesn’t actually aid in promoting good posture as you tend to slump even more to try and alleviate the pressure on your injury.
The one good thing about this whole experience is that it has shown me that I have a very strong marriage. I’m not naturally inclined to ask someone if they’d be willing to take a closer look at my ass crack to see if it’s bruised in part because I don’t consider it to be one of the more attractive aspects of my anatomy so it took a bit of effort on my part to get up the gumption to ask my wife if she would glance at it long enough to see if there was any obvious signs of injury. After an initial bout of the giggles despite the obvious pain I’m in she reported that, yes, there was some bruising to be seen. That was awhile ago and subsequent reports seem to indicate the bruise is getting smaller, though I wouldn’t have known as much given that the pain hasn’t faded much.
I’ve learned something else that’s interesting, but something I would’ve been happier not knowing about for reasons that’ll soon become clear, and that’s the fact that the muscles involved in sneezing and coughing appear to be closely linked to the muscles that combine to form your ass crack because if you’re sitting down and you sneeze and/or cough it tugs on those muscles resulting in a very sharp pain which causes you to flinch/jump/contort in your chair in a way that would be funny as hell if it were happening to someone who is not you. I haven’t explained to the folks in the office about my injury because it’s not the sort of thing you really want to share with the folks in your office (though, oddly, I appear to have no qualms telling you about it—lucky you) so they’ve all been highly amused watching me sneeze and then fall out of my chair for no apparent reason. “That must’ve been one helluva sneeze,” is something they’ve been heard to remark.
So it’s been a problem for a couple of months now and I’m without insurance benefits at this point so I’ve not done what I would normally do, which is go Doctor Carol King’s office and ask her to look at my ass crack. Yes, I have a female doctor who is probably one of the best doctors I’ve ever had and whom I have enough trust in that I find it easy to ask her to look at the lesser attractive parts of my body to see what stupid thing I’ve managed to do to them because A) I’m sure she’s seen much worse than my body in her time and B) I’m making up for the indignity of it all by being a paying customer. She’s so smart that not only would she tell me how to fix my broken ass crack (Spackle would be my guess), but she’d even take the time to tell me what the scientific/medical term happens to be for “ass crack” which makes trips to her office not only beneficial, but educational.
Given that a trip to the doctor’s office is out I’m left with trying to find out information on this problem via the web, but the good folks at WebMD don’t have a category dealing with ass crack problems so finding anything there has been difficult enough to leave me wondering if I’m the only guy to ever sprain or tear or whatever-the-hell-I’ve-done his ass crack? Surely there’s been some gymnasts or ballet types that have broken their ass cracks while doing what they do? It can’t be that uncommon a problem that there’s no information on how to fix it for us Do-It-Yourself-ers out there. What we need is a Time-Life Home Improvement book on Self Ass Crack Repair that comes as part of a home medical set of unusual or stupid injuries you’ve somehow managed to inflict upon your person. Then we could all buy it and be prepared to use it to prop up a wobbly table because that’s what you end up doing with those Time-Life books instead of actually using them for the purpose they were written for.