I appear to have injured my gluteus crackus.

I have no idea what the proper scientific/medical term for “ass crack” happens to be so I made something up just so I could mention that I seem to have somehow injured mine right near the very top where it first starts near the lower back. This isn’t the first time I’ve injured myself in that particular region, but this one has persisted the longest of them all—close to two months now—and the thing that really bugs me about it (other than it makes sitting down a literal pain in the ass) is the fact that I don’t have a clue how the hell I injured my ass crack to begin with. My suspicion is it is related to the chairs I’ve been sitting in lately as the one here at work isn’t particularly comfortable and the one I’d been using as a computer chair at home was an old kitchen chair until I was able to find a nice chair on sale at Office Max. Granted my posture isn’t the greatest to begin with, but having a sore butt crack doesn’t actually aid in promoting good posture as you tend to slump even more to try and alleviate the pressure on your injury.

The one good thing about this whole experience is that it has shown me that I have a very strong marriage. I’m not naturally inclined to ask someone if they’d be willing to take a closer look at my ass crack to see if it’s bruised in part because I don’t consider it to be one of the more attractive aspects of my anatomy so it took a bit of effort on my part to get up the gumption to ask my wife if she would glance at it long enough to see if there was any obvious signs of injury. After an initial bout of the giggles despite the obvious pain I’m in she reported that, yes, there was some bruising to be seen. That was awhile ago and subsequent reports seem to indicate the bruise is getting smaller, though I wouldn’t have known as much given that the pain hasn’t faded much.

I’ve learned something else that’s interesting, but something I would’ve been happier not knowing about for reasons that’ll soon become clear, and that’s the fact that the muscles involved in sneezing and coughing appear to be closely linked to the muscles that combine to form your ass crack because if you’re sitting down and you sneeze and/or cough it tugs on those muscles resulting in a very sharp pain which causes you to flinch/jump/contort in your chair in a way that would be funny as hell if it were happening to someone who is not you. I haven’t explained to the folks in the office about my injury because it’s not the sort of thing you really want to share with the folks in your office (though, oddly, I appear to have no qualms telling you about it—lucky you) so they’ve all been highly amused watching me sneeze and then fall out of my chair for no apparent reason. “That must’ve been one helluva sneeze,” is something they’ve been heard to remark.

So it’s been a problem for a couple of months now and I’m without insurance benefits at this point so I’ve not done what I would normally do, which is go Doctor Carol King’s office and ask her to look at my ass crack. Yes, I have a female doctor who is probably one of the best doctors I’ve ever had and whom I have enough trust in that I find it easy to ask her to look at the lesser attractive parts of my body to see what stupid thing I’ve managed to do to them because A) I’m sure she’s seen much worse than my body in her time and B) I’m making up for the indignity of it all by being a paying customer. She’s so smart that not only would she tell me how to fix my broken ass crack (Spackle would be my guess), but she’d even take the time to tell me what the scientific/medical term happens to be for “ass crack” which makes trips to her office not only beneficial, but educational.

Given that a trip to the doctor’s office is out I’m left with trying to find out information on this problem via the web, but the good folks at WebMD don’t have a category dealing with ass crack problems so finding anything there has been difficult enough to leave me wondering if I’m the only guy to ever sprain or tear or whatever-the-hell-I’ve-done his ass crack? Surely there’s been some gymnasts or ballet types that have broken their ass cracks while doing what they do? It can’t be that uncommon a problem that there’s no information on how to fix it for us Do-It-Yourself-ers out there. What we need is a Time-Life Home Improvement book on Self Ass Crack Repair that comes as part of a home medical set of unusual or stupid injuries you’ve somehow managed to inflict upon your person. Then we could all buy it and be prepared to use it to prop up a wobbly table because that’s what you end up doing with those Time-Life books instead of actually using them for the purpose they were written for.

23 thoughts on “I appear to have injured my gluteus crackus.

  1. Unfortunately, I’m not in pain in that area, so I’ll have to ask you: is that portion of the ass involved in laughing?

    That whole thing had me chuckling to myself.

  2. Not to belittle your pain or anything; I’m glad you’re getting better. Those chairs couldn’t have helped.

  3. Three things come immediately to mind:  a recently bruised coccyx, irritation of an old injury to it, or a subluxation of the vertibra just above it.

    I know EXACTLY what you’re going through, as I suffer from it from time to time.  When I was 13 (mind you, that was thirty freakin’ years ago!), I fell flat on my ass on a carpet-covered concrete floor and whacked my tailbone so hard it knocked the wind out of me.  It hurt for MONTHS afterward.

    Just last year it started hurting again, and I realized it was because I was spending so much time at my computer, sitting in… an old kitchen chair, which, even though padded and upholstered, apparently had me sitting in a position that put pressure on my coccyx and started it to complaining.  Since I’ve gotten a regular office chair, I haven’t had any problems, even after spending nearly an entire day in front of the evil box.

    Childhood injuries often come home to roost later on in life, it seems.  So if you fell on your ass as a kid, it’s possible you’ve irritated that old injury.

    Now, if it’s a vertibra that’s out, a chiropractor CAN fix it, but they have to do it from the inside, if you get my drift.  Not something to look forward to, for sure, but if it provides relief… well…

    Sorry about your broke ass, my friend!  LOL

  4. I was told in no uncertain terms that giving birth is hard on the tailbone.

    And isn’t it wonderful how all parts of the body are connected? You pull a hair off your ass and your eyes start to water!

  5. My mother had a surgery removing the coccyx when I was 18. The doctor said I damaged it when she gave birth to me. I was big….11 pounds.
    I was thinking of that when I read your story (damaged coccyx not giving birth)and it seems OB and elwedriddsche were thinking the same.

    I also had major back pain around the lower mid area of the spine and yes for me too, changing the chair was the right thing to do.

    It doesn’t take much… $129.99 at any furniture store and the back pains were gone. Unfortunately at that price the chair starts falling apart inside a year.

  6. Man do I fear the comments this entry is going to inspire….

    I was only allowed to read it because I had an accompanying adult.

    I say try the Spackle because you never know. The worst that might happen is that you won’t leak…or be able to take one (because all parts of the body are connected). That, and it helped this guy.

    Interesting that Carol King went into medicine. I guess “Tapestry” finally stopped selling.

    Seriously though, I think the area you’re speaking of is called the coccyx and the injury is probably directly due to the chair you’ve been sitting in. An ergonomic chair might help or even a coccyx cushion.

    Though your weight is probably not helping either.

  7. serge:

    My mother had a surgery removing the coccyx when I was 18.

    Dude, you can’t remove the coccyx. Your ass would fall off!

  8. My guess was either:

    1) Bed sore (decubitus ulcer) or
    2) Chapped lips (from talking out of your ass).

    Sorry, couldn’t resist LOL

  9. Brock, I’m pretty sure my mother had either the last or the last 2 little bones removed. It’s the pelvis that if you remove you’re in trouble.
    Since you’ve made me doubt, I will ask her tonight and make sure I remember correctly.

  10. Damn, Brock, that Coccyx Cushion costs almost as much as the chair itself (got the chair on sale).

    OB, I’ve probably fallen on my ass several times in my life so I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s an old injury coming back to haunt me.

    Eric, chapped lips would’ve resulted in pain a bit further down the ass crack.

    As for damaging from giving birth, unless I’ve been abducted by aliens and have blocked all the painful memories from my head, I don’t think that’s related to my problem.

  11. That was too funny.  I can relate to those kind of problems, as I used to regularly get sigmoidoscopies and colonoscopies, which are actually worse than an asscrack dilemma.  I remarked once to the doctor that I couldn’t see how he could stand looking in buttholes all day, and he said, “It’s a rotten job, but someone’s gotta do it!”  Some doctors see more than others.

    Interesting that Carol King went into medicine. I guess “Tapestry

  12. Damn, nobody had mentioned the dreaded Pilonidal Cyst yet? I had one about two years ago and they removed a large chunk of my ass crack. There are two different surgeries and one is the stitch up and the other is total removal. Total removal is supposed to be bettter but it takes like 6 months to heal. So twice a day everyday I had to pack my wound with bandages, gauze and whatnot. Then it finally healed to about the size of pea and I couldn’t put bandages in it anymore. Well guess what happened… It never finished that last bit and I still have a fucking hole in my ass [other than you know what] that causes my pain sometimes when I sit. But I guess I have to live with it.

  13. As an avid cyclist, I occasionally get sore in my posterior region. That’s to be expected, but sometimes it gets so bad that excreting is painful if I push too hard. Odder was the fact that, when I first started smoking seven years ago, I found that my crack often felt sore. Coincidence? Probably, but I still found it a little strange.

  14. I’ve had one of those cysts, like Sepharo—no fun, but a week or so of gauze wicking and sitz baths took care of it.  The worst part was the lancing, and that was over with quickly, thank goodness.

    Now childbirth, on the other hand, IS a pain in the ass.  I know a woman who broke her tailbone giving birth and she was in pain for over a year.  Both times I’ve squeezed out a pouchling, my tailbone was very sore too, although I don’t know if it was ever actually broken.  Suffice it to say that if I sat in a chair in a particular position, where my butt cheeks put upward pressure on my tailbone, it hurt like the dickens whenever I stood up.  That lasted a year, each time.

    Les, you may just have managed to bruise your tailbone in a nasty way from a combination of weight and bad-chair-pressure.  You can get a cheap foam rubber or inflatable hemorrhoid donut to sit on; it’s a lot cheaper than those coccyx cushions.  Give it a try.  I’m betting that if you dose up on Advil and sit on something that doesn’t put pressure there, you’ll feel better in a reasonable amount of time.

    And if you’re feeling sorry for your ass crack, read this and know it could be much, MUCH worse.  No, don’t thank me.  wink

  15. Awww….. thanks Geek Mom! I’ve still been reading here just not posting much. Since I got a digital camera, most of my time on the computer I spend processing photos. I promise to post more often.

  16. OH DAMN! poor bastard.
    I think I shed a tear.

    Ive heard of things like this before. always good
    for a laugh, but somehow not a fun experience for
    those that have to endure it or things similar.

    The mention of a hemmeroid ring just brings
    to mind an inflatable duck that kids use to swim
    used as an ass pillow at the office.

    or alternatively, a fluffy blanket folded up might
    improve conditions a bit.

    how in the hell do you hide an ass pillow?

  17. how in the hell do you hide an ass pillow?

    You buy the coccyx cushion and get the leather version that has a handle… Then you just look like you like to have a soft place to sit. Most people aren’t any the wiser.

  18. I don’t know, Frumpa. I expected lots of tragic admissions. One-uppers along the lines of:

    “Yeah, that sucks but I lost half my left butt cheek to ass cancer but I keep forgetting about it and every time I sit down I tip over and onto the floor.”

    Or:

    “Dude, I had this pet gerbil once…hey, there’s my GI Joe doll! How long has that been up there?”

    I’m just saying I was expecting…

  19. “Yeah, that sucks but I lost half my left butt cheek to ass cancer but I keep forgetting about it and every time I sit down I tip over and onto the floor.”

    They cured that with a buttockedomy.  Basically they sew a TV evangilist into the top of your leg…

    (lets face it- they talk crap already)

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