Trailer for “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale” hits the net.

The trailer for Uwe Boll’s latest video game turned into a steaming pile of shit movie is now available for your morbid curiosity. It’s much like watching a bad car wreck, but with orcs and evil wizards and such. With a cast featuring such talents as Jason Statham (the ass kicker in The Transporter movies), John Rhys-Davies (who hasn’t met a crappy movie he wasn’t willing to be in), Ray Liotta (who has honed his over-the-top evil badass role to a razor’s edge), Matthew Lillard (Scooby Doo’s Shaggy, ‘nuff said), Ron Perlman (probably plays a gnome thief), Kristanna Loken (who was the star of Boll’s last crapfest called Bloodrayne), and Burt Reynolds (!!).

Oh, and a shit load of Ninjas. Yes, I said NINJAS.

Now I played the original Dungeon Siege and its sequel and I don’t recall there being so much as a single friggin’ ninja in the entire game. Let alone a group of people who seem to be able to magically fly through the forests by touching vines that are completely out of place for the sort of forest they’re in.

Any faint hope I had that perhaps, just maybe, if we were lucky, this movie might have some semblance to the game and its storyline was pretty much snuffed out by the belly laugh I let out when I saw the ninjas land and start kicking ass. If you want to see this pending travesty for yourself you can do so here or if you prefer your piles of fetid crap in high resolution you’ll find that version here.

Be forewarned that you should not attempt to drink beverages while watching this trailer or you’ll risk ruining your monitor and/or keyboard when you spew the contents of your mouth all over the place once Liotta shows up to chew the scenery.

Link found via Joystiq.

11 thoughts on “Trailer for “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale” hits the net.

  1. The name of the king is, apparently, “Fu”.

    I think when Allen Smithy is too embarrassed to have his name on a movie, he uses “Uwe Boll”.

  2. How, and I mean HOW in the hell does Uwe Boll keep getting work?  Is it blackmail?  Some weird conspiracy?  That I would believe: an insidious cabal of centenarian Nazis finance Boll’s films in an effort to make Americans dumber…

    I’ve fantasized about directing a movie.  I never have, have taken no classes, and yet I feel I could do a better job than Boll.  Hey, Hollywood, I’d be happy to direct whatever film he would next on half of what you are paying him.  So how about it?

  3. Check out the Uwe Boll entry on Wikipedia for an explanation of his, uh, endeavors. He runs his own production company that takes advantage of a massive tax benefit for movies made in Germany. How he gets actual name actors to appear in these turds is beyond me – his budget for movies is typically only in the 10 million dollar range.

    did

  4. The trailer begins allright, you start to almost think ‘hmm maybe this won’t be so bad’ and then it skids off the road of credibility,smashes through the crash barriers of disbelief, and tumbles headlong into the ravine of dire shite.

    There’s an online petition with over 8000 signatures here. http://www.petitiononline.com/RRH53888/petition.html

    Some of the comments are priceless, such as ‘stop, think of the children!’.

  5. Oh man, I think I just shot myself in the foot.

    I saw the second “Underworld” flick not too long ago and mentioned to my movie crew (all 2 of them) that I plan on seeing the next Uwe Boll movie in theaters just so I can say I did. Oops.

    The scary thing is, this might make some money since there’s still something of a market for big budget (or big looking) fantasy films.

    We shall see though. The good Dr. Boll has a lousy track record.

  6. I don’t know if he could make Gigli any worse than it already is. Who knows, the addition of a couple hundred ninjas might make it better.

  7. No doubt part of the reason Boll gets work is because he’s the only one willing to touch what pretty much everyone else knows will result in a massive pile of festering dung.  Besides, someone has to fill the niche long left unfilled by the departure of Cannon Films/Golan and Globus and their cheese.

  8. “Worse than madness…darkness!”

    It cracks me up that even the trailers for Boll’s movies look like horrible imitations of trailers for real movies. While many movies do the whole “It was a world…” set-up, only good ol’ Uwe’s then proceed into inanity. In both this trailer and the BloodRayne trailer, it sounds like someone’s just listing random shit.

    “In an ancient land… a powerful tale unfolds…A kingdom under seige…A simple farmer…A fearless enemy…A noble King…A Terrifying villain…A time of Magic…A vicious monster…An angry dwarf…An aggressive infection…A pornographic interlude…A man, a Plan, a Canal: Panama…A squared plus B squared equals C squared…”

    and so on so on. I also like the completely random capitalization used in the preview. This horse died before the gate even opened. But, as others have noted, the perverse thing about Boll’s movies is that he actually makes money off of them when they flop, probably more than he would if they succeeded. If we want this to stop, someone’s going to have to figure out a way to control ticket sales for his movies such that they don’t lose enough money to be a tax write-off, but don’t make enough that he turns a worthwhile profit off the proceeds.

    Also, someone might remind some of his actors that regardless of their B- or C-list status, they can probably afford to pay their own way to whatever comely Eastern European oasis these movies film in, and should stop setting back the progress of all humanity just for a free trip to Bratislava.

    Oh, wait. Apparently these movies film in Canada. Well, there goes my theory.

  9. Yeah, I watched the trailer.. even the trailer stinks of really confused ideas of what’s popular. IT starts out like “A dark land” “a war” “some guy” and then it just keeps going – like yes, we can see what’s going on! Tell us about the movie!! For which, of course, the obvious answer is, there’s nothing to explain. What you saw is probably the best of the content in the movie. The less obvious answer is that the guy who did the commercial had no idea what he was doing. Both are reasonable, I think.

  10. Don’t know what to add to this forum
    … I just keep popping back here
    every now and then to take a peek..!!!
    SEB’s face just draws me back here..
    are you using hypnotic
    scripts by any chance SEB.
    .only joshing …I’ve heard
    of hypnotic scripts though
    ..and subliminal messaging ..!! ha!
    I’m sure it’s just you natural
    hmmmm… charm !!..as to
    why everyone keeps
    popping back here to say Hi to you. 

    For some strange reason
    ..I like being here..
    who are you people anyway.?????
    .and what am I doing here..??
    I guess If I don’t know
    ..then you don’t know either..
    Love it though ..!!!

    just to chat a minute..
    I’m on a forum at the moment
    ..a huge American treasure
    hunters forum ..we are working on a book.
    .a quest with a “one million
    dollar” prize..called the
    “Maranatha”.
    .It’s meant to contain a great secret..
    ..that has been hidden
    from the world for a thousand
    or more years.
    .It is said that this
    secret when we have discovered it..
    ..will change the way
    we have viewed religion .
    will change our religious
    beliefs..and will change the world
    ..WOW..!! must be some secret eh!!
    apparantly the authors already
    know of this secret ..and have
    put the answer into puzzle form ..
    The person who decodes the cryptic clues..get to spread the news of it’s discovery ..

    ..but of course.. none of us can
    crack the darn code.. though
    ..we are having a good time trying ..!!
    what do you think this great
    secret could be..
    (any psychics out there).
    we have already thought
    of all the usual things..

    cathyxxx

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