Jesus takes a nap in a tree. Religious people bug him for autographs.

The True Believers™ are once again crowding around in public for a chance to stare at yet another inanimate object that they think they see the face of Jesus in. This time it’s a tree in front of a company in Rochester, NY that will eventually be the focus of claims of spontaneous healing and miraculous visions.

“I see it clearly,” said Yomaira Otero of Rochester, who stood in the pouring rain Tuesday with six members of her family to see the tree. She spoke in Spanish to her relatives and pointed out the facial features, including the beard of bark she saw. “He looks like he’s sleeping.”

He’s not sleeping, he’s ignoring you. He’s been trying to find a nice spot to take a break and every time he thinks he’s found it some idiot shows up and turns it into a media circus on him. Then the nutcases have to start spouting off what they think this sudden appearance means:

“It’s a sign from God that there should be peace,” said Maria Trinidad, who lives on Clifford Avenue. “There is a lot of crime here. People should have faith in God. This is God giving us a sign.”

Yeah, God wants peace… peace and fucking quiet! He’s trying to TAKE A FRIGGIN’ NAP FOR CHRISSAKE! The sign is DO NOT FRIGGIN’ DISTURB!

Fortunately there was at least one person who had the presence of mind to question what he thought he was seeing in the tree…

Jim Holtz, 54, of Greece, said he noticed the image Monday when he stopped in the Cash King pawn shop directly across the street from Hickey-Freeman.

“I was looking out that way as I usually do and saw that on the tree,” Holtz said. “I said, ‘Am I seeing things?’”

Yes Jim, you are seeing things. You’re seeing a tree with a bark pattern that your brain is attempting to make sense of by comparing it to common icons in your life and, in the great tradition of all nutcases, it’s decided to associate it with a mythical religious figure because that’s what you folks always do. If some of it didn’t resemble a beard in your mind then it would’ve been the Virgin Mary instead of Jesus.

A pic of the tree is in the upper right corner of this entry and you can click it for a bigger picture if you’re curious. Of the various examples of this nonsense this one is pretty weak in my opinion. It could just as easily look like a representation of Mario Van Peebles’ face to me. At least once I finally managed to figure out what the hell they were looking at as it’s pretty vague. If it’s Jesus then he’s got one helluva skin condition.

52 thoughts on “Jesus takes a nap in a tree. Religious people bug him for autographs.

  1. Yeah, I figured it was about time. Eventually I’ll go through the archives and move the other entries to this category as well.

  2. Whenever I see these claims of seeing Jesus’ face, or the “virgin Mary” in trees, donuts, tocos, mashed potatoes…I always ask myself this question and wonder WHY do these people not ask themselves the same question.

    Since we have no original photograph of what Jesus actually looked like, unless the tree is autographed by his holiness himself, how do they know that’s Jesus’ face to begin with?  We have no original pictures of “The Virgin Mary” either.  How do they know that’s actually Mary’s mug in the mound of mashed potatoes?

    Things that make (me at least) you go…hmmmmmmm.

  3. I don’t know if I’m seeing the same face as they are, but what I see looks like the french fry character on Aquateen Hunger Force to me, and not the big J.

  4. Spocko, found the folks selling the “Jesus Christ Crucifixion Fish” on eBay, eh?

    Tim, that was actually my first impression as well, but I wasn’t sure how many people would know who the hell I was talking about so I went with Van Peebles.

  5. *sigh*

    This one is so halfassed, I’m not even sure where the face is supposed to be.  Is it the Big One in the middle, with His Left Eye bisected by a Branch, or the Smaller One at the top, smiling Benignly off towards the left?  But what do I know about Scripture- maybe it’s both, and the Smaller One is a Jesus BrainSlug on the Bigger One.  Can anyone help me out here?

  6. …and Spocko- love that jesus hairdo…  of course, if I suddenly found myself part of a fish skull, my hair would probably stand on end too…

  7. That pitcure isn’t the exact one they were showing on TV a few days ago here, but I agree, it’s pretty weak. 

    Just for morbid curiosity, here’s the location of the tv news story: http://www.wroctv.com/news/story.asp?id=20513&r=l

    and the original story:
    http://www.wroctv.com/news/story.asp?id=20499

    (Sorry about the links if they aren’t live, haven’t figured out how this works yet – Do I use HTML tags or is there some other trick?)

    The tv station seems pretty proud that they “broke” this story.  I haven’t had the chance (or desire) to see the tree myself, but it’s pretty sad when this sort of thing happens.  Especially in an area like Clinton Ave (right across from a Pawn Shop – Jesus needed some cash apparently and decided to leave his mark) where crime is pretty bad (as somebody in the story said.

    And Spocko, isn’t that a mammal skull of some sort?  Looks like a deer to me.

  8. Well, there’s never actually a good, clear face in any of these “manifestations” or whatever the holycrapjesusjusttouchedmeinabadplace crowd call it.

  9. What’s worse, there was some dumbass trying to sell a picture of this crap on ebay right after the “news” story broke.  I saw it but I didn’t think to bookmark it and now it’s either gone (or my ebay search skills are a little rusty). 

    They had 0 bids when I saw it a few days ago, so they might have withdrawn it. I hope nobody actually bought it.

  10. Well, Buzz, the Grilled Cheese Virgin Mary did sell for $28,000, so who knows?  Of course, the fish looks to be already eaten, and only one bite was taken out of the Blessed Virgin, so that would affect the relative value…

  11. Yeah, the fishbone will probably sell quite well.  The Picture of the Jesus Tree though appears to have been pulled from ebay.

    I think the most ironic part of all this is that true believers are the first to tell us that we have to have faith and don’t need signs, but then when this crap comes along, they eat it up (no pun intended).

  12. Zilch, I still can’t see the JesusBrainSlug you mentioned, just the big one in the middle that looks like Frylock from the aforementioned Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

    Buzz, you can use HTML in your comments if you want to. Or the equivalent PMCode (which is like BBCode in most message boards). The button strip above the entry box should prove helpful. Most links will be auto-linked if you just type them in, though.

    Elwed, yeah, there’s a face of sorts in that pic. In the same overly vague what that the yellow smiley face is a face.

  13. I see a crucified ET on Spocko’s pic.

    The first thing I saw on the tree was a cyclops.  I didn’t know Jesus was a cyclops…

  14. O Les of little faith- the JesusBrainSlug is at the very top of the pic.  Its (slugs are hermaphrodites, after all) Beard starts just above that Branch (Its Arm- so It’s a Wierd Slug) jutting out to the left.  It’s looking calmly off to Its right, Blissed out on Its Fix of JesusBrainJuice.

    I hope, when the Tree is ebayed, the Slug can be carefully detached, and docked somewhere where It won’t impair anyone’s brain- say, on Dub…

  15. Since we have no original photograph of what Jesus actually looked like, unless the tree is autographed by his holiness himself, how do they know that’s Jesus’ face to begin with?

    Yeah, these people are latching onto any face with long hair and a beard and saying it’s Jesus.  Does it actually say in the Bible (I don’t know) that Jesus had a long hair and a beard?  Even if that’s how men looked back then, for all we know, Jesus was a skinhead, or morbidly obese (that poor donkey)!  Heaven help Chris Robinson if he ever goes to Rochester … they’ll be chasing him down the street crying out “The Messiah has returned!!”  grin

  16. Yeah, the bible is pretty sparse on the physical descriptions of Jesus.  I think there is some mention of his beard and hair when he was getting flogged and beaten (before the big finish), but nothing else.

    Somebody told me this was on purpose, but they didn’t have a reply when I said that made it sound like the whole thing was made up.

  17. What kind of drugs do you need to take to see something other than a tree?

    hmmm I think Les is actually doing his own version of ink blot tests on his readers.

    So… At best, and with some struggle, I can make out one of those faces people paint from their chest to their gut.

  18. I wish to retract- More like Viggo Mortensen as Aragon…  Hold on.  Both big books, both the baddy is one of the fair who is fallen into evil… big end of the world battle after which the good survive… hmmm lets start a religeon! We actually know more about Gandalf than we do Jesus, therefore it must be true.

  19. Matthew writes: I don’t see it…

    I took the liberty of enhancing the brightness and contrast of this picture, in a completely bipartisan, scientific effort to bring out the details of the face . . . as well as what appears to be a veiny penis inserting itself into the eyesocket.  You can just about make it out in the tree bark.

    View the unretouched enhanced image here.

    Fascinating!

  20. WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE ON THIS SITE SO QUICK TO SAY IT ISNT….I BET IF U WERE AROUND WHEN JC MADE THE BLIND MAN SEE OR RAISE LAZARUS FROM THE DEAD…YOU WOULD DENY THAT HAPPENED TOO…I GUESS YOU WOULD RATHER TALK ABOUT THE BS IN WASHINGTON…OR SOMEONES FUNERAL…..WELL SOMEDAY WE WILL FIND OUT IF THERE IS ..ONE GOD…I HOPE BY THEN YOU PEOPLE HAVE STARTED TO BELIEVE   STRANGE THINGS DO HAPPEN IN THIS FU WORLD…COME TO ROCHESTER AND LOOK YOURSELF….OR MAYBE YOU MIGHT BE AFFRAID YOU ARE WRONG….JH

  21. It’s not the weird things that scare me, JH, it’s the poor spelling.

    Gives me the heebie jeebies just seeing it.

  22. I BET IF U WERE AROUND WHEN JC MADE THE BLIND MAN SEE OR RAISE LAZARUS FROM THE DEAD…YOU WOULD DENY THAT HAPPENED TOO

    Yup!  Cause I’ve learned magic and parlor tricks as well.  If you watched “Leap of Faith”, you would see deception and redirection as well.

    Btw, please don’t YELL LIKE THIS.  It hurts my sensitive ears.  tongue laugh

  23. The only thing that scares me is idiots that actually believe that a tree embodies what I believe is a fictional character, despite how dear said character may be to said people.

  24. Van Peebles… Huh.

    Could it be that mere coincidence strikes again?

    Or could it be time for the paths of twine to cross again?

    Go on, I’ll let you be the judge.

  25. James you convinced me, I’ll take a drive up to North Clinton tommorrow and see it first hand. Report to follow. (heh, easy to challenge people that live in other parts of the country to come see your tree isn’t it?)

  26. JAMES HOLTZ bellowed:  WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE ON THIS SITE SO QUICK TO SAY IT ISNT….

    Well, if you happen to have any REAL pictures of Jesus that we could compare to the tree, I’d be eternally grateful.

    JAMES:  I BET IF U WERE AROUND WHEN JC MADE THE BLIND MAN SEE OR RAISE LAZARUS FROM THE DEAD…YOU WOULD DENY THAT HAPPENED TOO…

    Probably. 

    I saw David Blaine perform some tricks on TV, and despite some members of my family praising him and declaring him some kind of demigod, I kinda realized he was just a mediocre entertainer (with a video editing crew working the *real* magic) pulling off a mediocre street shtick. Ho-hum.

    Jesus is just an allegory for the sun and it’s travels through the constellations, as are most of the stories contained in the bible.  You’re a sun worshipper, and you’re too ignorant to realize it. But I’m guessing you’d deny *that* fact as well, preferring to believe JUST ONE of the many ancient fantasies involving a mythical being who purportedly had great power over this mortal flesh.  Ho-hum.

    (snippage)

    JAMES:  COME TO ROCHESTER AND LOOK YOURSELF….OR MAYBE YOU MIGHT BE AFFRAID YOU ARE WRONG….JH

    Breathe, James . . . breathe . . .

    The only thing I fear is what I might do to that tree in front of all those fawning Jesus freaks . . . perhaps I’d hack that tree down with an axe and chop it up into little 18” lengths of wood . . . then I’d throw gasoline on it and burn it . . . then I’d piss on it for good measure, writing my name all over the charred wood – in CURSIVE . . . and if those two Taco Bell chalupas I ate a few hours before decide to cooperate, I’d squat over that fake smoldering face and grunt out a fat, knobby grogan all over it.

    If the tree is truly blessed, I should be struck dead immediately following the passing of the knobby grogan.  Or my hemmorhoids will be cured.  One or the other.

    But first – I need some hemmorhoids!

    THEN we’ll TRULY see, James!!

  27. The only thing I fear is what I might do to that tree in front of all those fawning Jesus freaks . . . perhaps I’d hack that tree down with an axe and chop it up into little 18

  28. zilch writes: Now now Mr. Tochs- the poor tree can’t help how it looks.  You don’t want to behave as pissily as Jesus did, do you now?

    Can’t help it, zilch . . . I’ve got 32 years of stultifyingly stupid Christian indoctrination to purge, and I’ve only been venting for 13 years!

    (grits teeth) Sometimes it just SURGES outta me, ya know?

    Jesus not giving a fig (groan!) about a tree is a good story . . . but I like the story about God’s Golden Hemorrhoids the best!  (1 Samuel 5:6-12, etc etc)

  29. I have nothing against you folks, but I am a straight Catholic. I know that I have done a ton of sins, yet I still pray for forgiveness. I just hope you do the same. Or if you can’t go on with your ways, but live a peaceful and happy life.

  30. Why would an atheist pray for forgiveness from a deity he doesn’t believe exists? As for you, I hope you continue to pray as well. Anything that helps keep you off the streets is a good thing.

  31. Woke up to these headlines this morning.

    SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) – Carrying rosary beads and cameras, the faithful have been coming in a steady stream to a church on the outskirts of Sacramento for a glimpse of what some are calling a miracle: A statue of the Virgin Mary they say has begun crying a substance that looks like blood.

    It was first noticed more than a week ago, when a priest at the Vietnamese Catholic Martyrs Church spotted a stain on the statue’s face and wiped it away. Before Mass on Nov. 20, people again noticed a reddish substance near the eyes of the white concrete statue outside the small church, said Ky Truong, 56, a parishioner.

    Since then, Truong said he has been at the church day and night, so emotional he can’t even work. He believes the tears are a sign.

    “There’s a big event in the future – earthquake, flood, a disease,” Truong said. “We’re very sad.”

    There’s more but you get the picture (or not) since I wouldn’t know how to insert a picture here if my life depended on it.

    I was particularly impressed with Truong’s prediction of future events of earthquake, flood, a disease.  What are the freakin’ odds?!  rolleyes

    Link if you’re interested:  http://home.bellsouth.net/s/editorial.dll?bfromind=940&eeid=4766794&_sitecat=1522&dcatid=0&eetype=article&render=y&ac=0&ck=&ch=ne&s=na

  32. For the reality-challenged (probably no one here):  Statues made of porous materials (concrete, plaster, etc) can be quite easily made to “weep blood”.  All one needs to do is chip off a piece, or drill a hole, soak it in red ink, and glue it back together.  Voilà!  Instant miracle!

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