I meant to be in bed two hours ago, but I made the mistake of checking on SEB to see if there was anything I needed to take care of. I noted that I hadn’t written anything in a couple of days and I felt a bit guilty about it so I started making the rounds of some of the various websites I go to when I need to catch up on what’s going on in the world. It usually doesn’t take long before I find something that gets my blood simmering enough to pump out a good rant or two, but it didn’t work this evening. In fact, it hasn’t worked in quite awhile and I’m not sure why.
I suppose the fact that I’m no longer on my ADD medication might play a bit of a role in this. Having been unemployed for three months with my insurance ending after the first month I can no longer afford to purchase the prescriptions so Courtney and I are back to dealing with our ADD without the benefit of stimulants. This is neither good nor bad per se, just different. On the one hand I find that I’m definitely more easily distracted now and I’m watching more television than I usually do as well as playing more video games than usual (which is quite a feat considering how much I play video games). This has obviously cut into not only the amount of time and focus I put into SEB, but into keeping up with the world beyond my apartment door. Or at least those parts of the world that aren’t the job listings I’ve been pouring over. At the same time when something has grabbed my attention I’ve been able to hyper-focus on it and that’s what prompted my last bout of fiction writing and has gotten me into actually working on a book. In some ways being off my medication is actually a benefit to my creativity although it’s a detriment to my level of output. So I’m sure this has a small role to play in the current situation.
Sitting here and thinking it over, though, I also realize that I’m simply overwhelmed with all the idiocy that is going on in the world these days to the point that it’s almost too much to wrap my head around. Whether it’s the latest bone-headed policy coming out of the Bush Administration to the modern day sequel to the Scopes Monkey Trail in Kansas, it too often seems like the idiots and the willfully ignorant are winning. Several folks have sent me links to news items that I once would have pumped out a huge entry about, but I don’t have the energy to do that these days. There are so many others out there that are doing a much better job at it as well that I feel like I’m just falling into the me-too habit. I read the wonderful work those folks are doing and I don’t feel I can add anything to the discussion.
There are also a number of things I’ve been meaning to work on for a long time as well—such as the book I keep mentioning—that I’ve been trying to address as of late. I want to get a new layout together for SEB and some of the blogs I host for family members. I’ve been kicking around an entry titled “Skepticism is not a four-letter word” for almost two years now. I want to write more short fiction. All of these things have had their fits and starts, but few are anywhere close to completion and so I work on them a little and then get distracted by a video game or TV show once more. Though the TV will be less of an issue come Monday as I’ve shut down the cable TV part of our service for now.
It’s amazing to realize how much of an impact being unemployed for this long has had beyond merely not having money to spend. I don’t feel particularly stressed out most of the time, but it’s totally screwed up my sleep patterns as I have to be exhausted before I can fall asleep. It’s affected my ability to think about world events let alone get angry enough about them to write a blog entry. It’s hard to worry about what the Republicans are up to when you’re just worried about whether your phone is going to ring anytime soon with a job offer.
So I sit here and stare at my monitor and the empty web form in the publish screen of SEB waiting for me to come up with something witty or insightful or rant-ish to say and try to get my brain to focus enough to produce something worth reading. This entry wasn’t what I had hoped to produce, but for now it’s all I can manage. Perhaps tomorrow will be better…