Confusion About Word of God to be Cleared Up

Holy Cow! This is very serious good news, folks.
First let me update you on the back ground. Stephen Suleyman Schwartz, a new Muslim – Stephen says Islam eschews the use of the word, convert – is in the process of informing us all, Battle for the Mosque is Joined: Founding a Center for Islamic Pluralism, that he and several other luminaries have started a new think tank charity – could it be a faith based initiative? – called, Center for Islamic Pluralism. In short, Stephen and his collaborators had planned (I’m sure this morning’s great event has put that on hold for a few weeks) to reform Islam, sort out what Muhammed really heard from God, to make it safe for US consumers, unite Sunni and Shiite Muslims and explain how all the Wahabi stuff exported by Saudi Arabia is a misunderstanding of what Allah really meant.

Now that is a worthy undertaking indeed and I was just in the process of telling Stephen what I thought when the most amazing thing happened – and it’s not just for Muslims! After all these years, God is finally going to straighten out all this confusion about what it is that He thinks. This is very big and is going to fix, not only the problems with the various interpretations of the Koran but it covers all religions, all religious texts and all the translations and interpretations. It will eliminate all the confusion – for the religious right and religious wrong, alike (even President Bush and Tom Delay and Osama and liberals, too!). Peace on earth, including the ME, is at hand … we’re very close now.

I’m very excited about this but rather than retell the story, I’m posting the very text of what happened just as it happened as I was posting. I was amazed and humbled, as I’m sure you will be too:
 

  Message: Sure, not a bad idea.

  But why the ancient middle men? Do you not think that Allah has been thinking some, himself these past millenia? It is entirely possible that Allah thinks what Muhammad thought Allah thought and the many folks who think they think what Muhammad thought Allah thought is really what Allah thought all may have lost a bit in translation and understanding over these many years.

  My humble suggestion is to get all the folks together who are at odds with each other over just what it is that God thinks in an appropriate forum, some very large place with a good sound system to hear just what it is that God thinks now.

  Excuse me a moment …

  Wow! Me? Ok, got it.

  Yep, God was a bit frustrated, even angry. But He’s ready to give it one more shot and thinks I’ve got a good idea here.

  So, here’s the deal: I am, quickly, starting a think tank – a faith based initiative – charity think tank with God. We are going to have a few conversations going over a few thousand years and update everything, modernize the terms, examples, parables, laws, etc. We’re going to remove all the ambiguities and straighten out the problems that have occurred all these many years with the various misunderstandings. God says he thinks it’s only fair, after all: ‘I am but one God’, he says, ‘and from what I see and hear of all the versions and reinterpretations of what I thought and said and meant really do need to be re-stated in modern terms, once and for all.’ He goes on, ‘Then these suckers will have no more excuse for all this nonsensical mayhem and chaos.’

  I feel extremely honored, folks, to inform you that God has chosen me to be his modern spokes-person [God was very specific that I not say spokesman – he was considering using Shirley MacLain for this]. Over the next several weeks me and God will be ready to deliver His updated Word in no uncertain terms that all will be able to understand. Let me warn you up front, folks. God says, ‘Alright, Dan, one more time. But I’m warning you – if these idiots don’t get it this time there’ll be hell to pay’.

  Whew, that Guy sure does have some wrath! So you’d better let everyone know that I’ll be ready in about a month to deliver the updated and very clear truth about just what it is that God thinks. First I have to get my, oops – I mean Our, website up, of course.

  In the meantime, Stephen, God says, ‘Tell them pluralistic Muslim guys, Whoa! They might as well get this straight from the horse’s mouth instead of the other end.’

  We’ll be back in touch. Oh yeah, God says we’re going to need lots of money to help get the new word out and He wants all of you to know that I am the exchecquer for this operation.

I didn’t realise I could post here (if that’s what I’m doing) but just wanted to share this wonderful news.  I’ve also posted it at: Confusion About Word of God to be Cleared Up

4 thoughts on “Confusion About Word of God to be Cleared Up

  1. I *especially* like the part about clearing up all the amibguities that crept in over time by restating it all in modern language – ‘once and for all’.

    So it seems that both words and their definitions are FIXED now, guys! No more making up new words anymore!

    Yes, that includes you WOW-players. Stop creating stuff like ‘ganking’, it’s against the very LORDs wishes!

    PS: Obviously its an Aprils Fools a little late, as this is way too much over the top. Want some cream on your blessing?

  2. We’ll be back in touch. Oh yeah, God says we’re going to need lots of money to help get the new word out and He wants all of you to know that I am the exchecquer for this operation.

    “God wants dollars
    God wants cents
    God wants pounds, shillings, and pence
    God wants guilders
    God wants Kroner
    God wants Swiss francs
    God wants French francs

    (Oui il veut des francs francais)

    God wants escudos
    God wants pesetas
    Don’t send lira
    God don’t want small potatoes”
    – Roger Waters, What God Wants

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