WHEN GOOD NEWS TURNS BAD
SPECIAL DISPATCH FROM THE COUNCIL ON RELIGIOUS AFFAIRS:
Dr. James Vanderwater of the First Dutch Reformed Church of the Redeemer has created considerable consternation among the faithful of his flock. He announced that the Church Council, after years of study of all relevant documentation and evidence, has reluctantly concluded that Salvation is no longer available for anyone on earth, nor has it been available for the past millennium. He stated that God had preselected only 144,000 humans to reunite with him in the heavenly abode. All the rest, regardless of prayers, kneelings, offerings, foot-washings, talking in tongues, revivals, mass choirs or other devices to curry favor with the Supreme Judge, are destined to be cast into the fiery pit. No man, woman, child, whether they be innocent virgins or hardened sinners will receive any kind of absolution or special dispensation.
Every human regardless of social status, prestige, wealth, health, emotional state, physical condition, age, or sex will now upon death have their souls immediately transferred to the dominion and care of Satan. No supplications, entreaties, or pleas will avail in any degree. All are doomed to an eternity of punishment for the sins of their ancestors.
Dr. James Vanderwater said: “Every person must now suffer the eternal and unbearable agonies of hell forever without any chance of escape or mercy from the evil jailer who oversees their perpetual, unending torture. The Saving Grace of Christ has now been superceded by the Judgment of God who has predestined people who go to either heaven or hell, without any further consideration of choice. The Judgment is now over. No preachment of salvation will avail nor is it in any way acceptable because the almighty God has condemned all present generations irrevocably and with eternal finality.”
The First Dutch Reformed Church of the Redeemer Council has advised their Presbyterian neighbors to ready themselves emotionally for transport to the nether regions. The Council also advises that people must respect this judgment and not behave in immature fashion by weeping and wailing in premature fashion, but to enjoy the fruits of Earth as long as possible.
Said Dr. Vanderwater: “God is free and gracious. There is nothing we might do to earn God’s favor. Rather, our salvation comes directly from God alone. We are able to choose God because God first chose us. The idea that the Supreme Judge has not predestined anyone to damnation is false and an unforgivable heresy. The idea that people can be saved by grace is no longer viable. The damned are damned by God’s love because of their sin, arrogance and stubbornness. This is a mystery that is incomprehensible to human reason and cannot be reasoned away. We all must prepare for doom.”
Dr. Vanderwater quoted from St. Peter, who rightfully said, “Therefore hath he mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will be hardeneth. Thou wilt say, why doth he yet find fault? For who hath resisted his will? Nay, but who art thou, O man, that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed Say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus? Hath not the potter power over the clay of the same lump, to make one vessel unto honor and another unto dishonor?”
Bishop Osteen Wilberforce, editor of the BIRMINGHAM RELIGIOUS COURIER, said:
“People became complacent after millennia of hypocrisy, cheating, giving false witness, sexual misconduct and doing violence, without seeing any overt punishment for miscreants. They thought God was not watching. But they were so very wrong. His ways are unfathomable, his commands inescapable, and his punishment will come whenever HE deems it appropriate. And it is indeed too late for repentance, appeals, and rationalizations. It is time for the gnashing of teeth. We have brought it all upon ourselves.”