REQUIREMENT FOR A JUST WAR
By Peter Fredson
It was a pleasant day when I sailed my small sloop out of Miami port. I had taken on full provisions of food and drink, had my CD of THE BEST SERMONS OF PAT ROBERTSON in my player and set full sail for the eastern horizon. Suddenly a vast wind sprang up which tossed my small sloop like a cork in a bathtub. I was blown off course, my compass stopped working, and for several hours I fought desperately to survive the savage roiling heaving sea. I awoke in uncharted waters, probably surrounded by hostile nations, but I remembered my mission was to search for cheap labor and oil for my country and our beloved leader Prince George.
Then I saw it. It was an unknown large island, full of swaying palm trees with swaying natives, gaily painted, dancing on the beach with savage rhythms in lustful embraces. Overcoming my revulsion I casually uncovered my used .50 caliber machine gun, and placing my trusty Colt automatic in my belt, I reached for my bag of trade goods…mainly beads and mirrors, with some edifying photographs of our beloved leader, Prince George, to overwhelm the innocent but stupid natives. Wading out on the beach I reached the shore and threw a small grenade among the natives to make them keep some distance.
I then drew my large Bowie hunting knife out of the scabbard and cut the sign of our sacred cross in the nearest palm tree. Using the police loud-speaker I then addressed the natives as follows:
On the part of Prince George, and of Princess Laura, his daughter, Sovereigns of Florida and Texas, subduers of the barbarous nations, I their servant notify and make known to you, as best I can, that the Lord our God, Living and Eternal, created the Heaven and the Earth, and one man and one woman, of whom you and we, all the men of the world, were and are descendants, and all those who came after us. But, on account of the multitude which has sprung from this man and woman in the five thousand years since the world was created, it was necessary that some men should go one way and some another, and that they should be divided into many kingdoms and provinces, for in one alone they could not be sustained.
Of all these nations God our Lord gave charge to one man, called St. Peter, that he should be Lord and Superior of all the men in the world, that all should obey him, and that he should be the head of the whole human race, wherever men should live, and under whatever law, sect, or belief they should be; and he gave him the world for his kingdom and jurisdiction.
And he commanded him to place his seat in Washington, as the spot most fitting to rule the world from; but also he permitted him to have his seat in any other part of the world, and to judge and govern all Christians, Moors, Jews, Gentiles, and all other sects. This man was called Pope Robertson, as if to say, Admirable Great Father and Governor of men. The men who lived in that time obeyed that St. Peter, and took him for Lord, King, and Superior of the universe; so also they have regarded the others who after him have been elected to the pontificate, and so has it been continued even till now, and will continue till the end of the world.
One of these Pontiffs, who succeeded that St. Peter as Lord of the world, in the dignity and seat which I have before mentioned, made donation of these isles and Tierra-firme to the aforesaid Prince and Princess and to their successors, our lords, with all that there are in these territories, as is contained in certain writings which passed upon the subject as aforesaid, which you can see if you wish.
So their Highnesses are kings and lords of these islands and land of Tierra-firme by virtue of this donation: and some islands, and indeed almost all those to whom this has been notified, have received and served their Highnesses, as lords and kings, in the way that subjects ought to do, with good will, without any resistance, immediately, without delay, when they were informed of the aforesaid facts. And they have been notified that any resistance is futile and that any resistance will be met with severe measures, including the depopulation of these lands.
And also they received and obeyed the priests whom their Highnesses sent to preach to them and to teach them our Holy Faith; and all these, of their own free will, without any reward or condition, have become evangelistic speaking-in-tongues Christians, and are so, and their Highnesses have joyfully and benignantly received them, and also have commanded them to be treated as their subjects and vassals; and you too are held and obliged to do the same.
Wherefore, as best we can, we ask and require you that you consider what we have said to you, and that you take the time that shall be necessary to understand and deliberate upon it, and that you acknowledge the Church of Prince George as the Ruler and Superior of the whole world, and the high priest called Pope Robertson, and in his name the Princess Laura, with Karl Rove and Condi Rice, your lords, in his place, as superiors and lords and kings of these islands and this Tierra-firme by virtue of the said donation, and that you consent and give place to whatever these religious fathers should declare and preach to you the aforesaid.
If you do so, you will do well, and that which you are obliged to do to their Highnesses, and we in their name shall receive you in all love and charity, and shall leave you, your wives, and your children, and your lands, free without servitude, that you may do with them and with yourselves freely that which you like and think best, and they shall not compel you to turn Christians, unless you yourselves, when informed of the truth, should wish to be converted to our Holy Catholic Faith, as almost all the inhabitants of the rest of the islands have done. And, besides this, their Highnesses award you many privileges and exemptions and will grant you many benefits, not the least of which is the minimum wage and a 14-hour working day.
But, if you do not do this, and maliciously make delay in it, I certify to you that, with the help of God, we shall powerfully enter into your country, and shall make war against you in all ways and manners that we can, and shall subject you to the yoke and obedience of the Church and of their Highnesses; we shall take you and your wives and your children, and shall make slaves of them, and as such shall sell and dispose of them as their Highnesses may command; and we shall take away your goods, and shall do you all the mischief and damage that we can, as to vassals who do not obey, and refuse to receive their lord, and resist and contradict him; and we protest that the deaths and losses which shall accrue from this are your fault, and not that of their Highnesses, or ours, nor of these cavaliers who come with us. We ask everyone who is present that they should be witnesses of this Requisition and shall kneel in obeisance to these lawful commands.
The savage natives gathered rocks and sticks and with madness on their faces, rushed at me, shouting “FAR Q FAR Q”. Unfortunately my machine gun, bought at a gun sale, jammed and I had to beat a hasty retreat by using pepper spray and a clip of bullets sending several natives to their rest. Otherwise I’m sure that the unruly savage ungrateful heathens would have probably killed and eaten me.
Now I know what Columbus must have felt, and on my next voyage I will go more prepared to spread the word of our Lord and Prince among the heathen. I am determined to evangelize those brutes, put bras on all their women, and obtain a steady supply of cheap labor.