RELIGIOUS NEWS TODAY
From the Peter Fredson Press, Uninc.
GOD RECALLS ROBERTS
Readers will recall that last month Rev. Anal Roberts reported that God told him to collect $1,000,000 in 30 days or be called to account. Rev. Roberts was tireless in his efforts to collect the cash, speaking nearly all night and day on 1,300 radio and television stations, flying in his Lear Jet with his Ferraris and Continentals waiting at each airport.
However, the accountants counting up the receipts announced last night that the sum amounted to ten cents less than a million dollars. At the very stroke of midnight Anal Roberts was struck by lightning because God is very strict. Better luck in the next life!
MIRACULOUS VIRGIN TISSUE
Last Tuesday Tina Maria Scarlotti had a severe head cold and filled her last tissue. As she discarded the tissue she noticed that her head cold had disappeared. The next day when she was about to pick up the tissue she noticed that the residue on it had dried in the form of the Holy Virgin, with large breasts, a paisley gown and holding up one finger. The news spread and her bedroom soon became a shrine. Her brother, Rico, said, “It’s a damn miracle.” Present plans involve building a shrine around the Holy Tissue of the Virgin. A 10-gallon black trash-bag presently serves for the collection of offerings.
HOLY TISSUE PERFORMS MIRACLES
We last reported the Holy Virgin of the Tissue in the house of Tina Maria Scarlotti. Since then many miracles have been performed. The family dog that sniffed the tissue was immediately cured of mange and worms. Grandma Scarlotti, 86, reported being able to perform her wifely duties again. Grandpa Scarlotti, who touched the tissue, reported a permanent erection. Two Hare Krishna freaks that came into the shrine became instantly converted. The local alderman who came to worship the tissue announced he was changing his voter registration from Democrat to Republican. Many more miracles are now being reported.
BABY JESUS RETURNS!
Neighbors of Tina Maria Scarlotti, (who reported the Holy Tissue of the Virgin), today discovered on a discarded slice of moldy wheat bread, the plain figure of a Baby Jesus etched in the mould. The slice must be held at an angle to the light to see the figure but it is very plain. The neighbor family, the Nicholas Umbriagos, plan to convert their home into a shrine. They are now conducting tours for busloads of visiting pilgrims.
So far, no more miracles have been reported, but the official astrologer of the Reagan’s sent them a congratulatory telegram. Mr. Umbriago plans to send his six daughters, presently unemployed, to a nunnery in recompense.
DETROIT DRUG SHOOT-OUT
Police who raided a drug-dealers hideout, next-door to Church of the Blessed Holy Redeemer, were forced to engage in gunfire with the dealers. The 30 officers, armed with automatic weapons, sprayed the area with 33,000 rounds, effectively quelling the dealers, but unfortunately killing most of the congregation next door.
In the altercation other bystanders were killed, including a visiting delegation of Boy Scouts from Michigan, several unemployed Blacks, and two Jehovah’s Witnesses. None of them should have been standing around watching the violent display, but Police Capt. Nemo Smith says he will have his son-in-law conduct an investigation and that at least two officers could be suspended.
CONTRACTORS MAKE A BOO-BOO
Demolition Contractors, ACME RENOVATORS, spent all day yesterday wiring the Crystal Palace Church for demolition. They spent several hours taking the press around the building and explaining the scientific procedures of using modern high explosives. They were vehement in saying that no neighboring building, or occupants thereof, would receive even a scratch.
Today at noon the explosives went off as planned. The glass structure crumbled directly downward, without any harm to anything. Unfortunately they had demolished the wrong building, due to a mistake in typing the address. The televangelist was really irritated.
REMARKABLE TALKING PIG
Bessy Mae Culo, of Tempest, Texas, discovered that her pet hog, Herbert, can say a few words. Herbert likes to listen to FOX and the 700-Club news services.
During the recent elections, Herbert, in the presence of two wheat farmers and a Church of Heavenly Host preacher, plainly grunted, “Incumbents, Incumbents.”, six times in succession.
And when Pres. Bush announced on the T.V. that he was sending 50,000 more troops to Iraq, Herbert enthusiastically grunted “Gore, Gore, Gore”.
OLD WOMAN BEARS CHILD
A record was set in Mercy Redemption Hospital today. At about 11:31 p.m. 89-year-old Phyllis Cringle gave birth to a 5-year old baby.
The gynecologists explained that such an old woman giving birth, would naturally take quite a while to do it, and therefore the infant would be aged in the womb.
Mrs. Cringle attributes the unusual event due to eating French Fries sprinkled with pickle juice and tartar sauce while eating beefsteak at Lent. She isn’t sure, but she is naming her offspring Condi. Friends are giving her a Baby Shower today as no one knew she was even pregnant before today.
FAITH HEALER SUED
Tessy Sue Gorkin is suing Rev. Felcher B. Crotch for malpractice and other charges. She claims that she went to Rev. Crotch to cure her headaches but that he insisted in laying hands on other parts of her anatomy as well. When she insisted he concentrate on her head, he gave her two tremendous slaps on the forehead, which caused blood to gush from her nostrils.
Rev. Crotch is presently under indictment for causing two under-age girls to become pregnant, but he claims it was the Holy Ghost that did it, under the influence of too much sacramental wine.
WHEN PIGS FLY
Farmer Steve Brown was quite amazed when he looked up at the autumn sky and saw a herd of pigs miraculously flying through the clouds. At almost the same time he saw a flock of geese headed south for the winter. For a moment he thought the pigs were going to head south also. It turns out that the cargo hatch of a C-17 plane got loose and the herd of pigs jumped out of the door. The walking motions they made while falling made Farmer Brown think they were flying. The pig’s squeals merged with the geese honking making for quite a noisy sky scene. All in all, quite an exciting prayer day for Farmer Brown!
NEIGHBOR LADY TOO KIND TO KIDS
Evangelist Oozie P. Snatcher was arrested yesterday after 42 mothers of the neighborhood filed complaints. It turns out that the adolescent males of the Holy Moley Intercessory Church choir were skipping lunch in order to line up in front of Mrs. Snatcher’s private office.
They then took turns “bonking” Mrs. Snatcher, until the school bell rang.. Some even skipped school to remain for more practice. Mrs. Snatcher explained, “I just can’t refuse those cute little rascals anything. Lordy, lordy.”
PREPARING FOR THE END
Rev. Joe Spinglatoni of the Sacred Holy Church of Our Lady of Mass Destruction told his flock that the end of the world, which he had predicted 32 times previously, was surely upon them last Saturday. They obtained City Hall permission to pile all their belongings, except for toilet paper, in a big bonfire. They burned furniture, rock records, and back issues of PLAIN TRUTH, church documents, and their winter clothing. They then awaited the final coming.
After two days, without food or water, and no end of the world apparent, Rev. Spinglatoni blamed his flock: “They just didn’t believe hard enough!” He says the next mass destruction is due next week, or next month.
WRONG ORGAN PERMIT
A fast police sprinter stopped Jimmy Swingert after Jimmy streaked, buck-naked, through the Municipal Stadium, while the Green Bay Packers were playing the Miami Dolphins.
Jimmy plays the church organ. His explanation was simplicity itself: “I play the organ”, but the police judge said, “Wrong Organ, Jimmy.” Jimmy was released on condition that he wears a fully buttoned overcoat while playing the organ.
POPULATION POLICY SESSION
The Planning Commission of the World Population Institute is meeting this week in the Kiltdown Hotel.
One of the guest speakers, Sir Rashneesh Baglang, said that the world would be much better off without politicians, priests and lawyers. “They are useless parasites”, he said emotionally, “and should be eradicated from the face of this planet. Better them than lose another previous animal species. Too damn many people now on this planet.”
Rev. Felcher Slark, of Holiness Baptismal Font Church, commented: “Guys like that give me a pain…you know where!”
RACING STAR MARRIES
Phillup Ferrari, winner of many races, including the Indianapolis 500 and the Dayton 300, today married his new Lamborghetti racing car in the parking lot of the Holy Blessed Sacred Redeemer church. All of his pit crew attended the ceremony. Champagne and oil were served to bride and groom.
The happy groom exchanged piston rings with the lovely new Lamborghetti under the arc lights of the stadium, while the band played “In my merry Oldsmobile”.
The ceremony was marred when one of the pit crew put his hands on the oil pan while making some gross remarks. After the fight, bride and groom drove off together to Ft. Lauderdale where nobody noticed them.
CHICAGO MAN FOUND
Rudy Schultz, Creationist Scientist, left for New York a week ago, but never showed up. His worried wife and family had the police out looking for him. Posters were put up, his picture put on milk cartons, but the drag net failed to locate him.
He turned up in San Diego today, safe and sound. When asked why he had ended up in San Diego instead of in New York he said, “I kept asking people, and they kept giving me wrong directions. And I was too embarrassed to phone home.” Sure, Rudy, we understand.