Mmmm! The Body of Christ to get new tasty flavors!

Seems some Danish bakers have grown tired of the fact that the Body of Christ tastes pretty bland so they’re taking it upon themselves to spice old Jesus up a bit with some new communion wafers that actually taste like something for a change. Not that you can blame Jesus for not having much flavor after being dead for 2000 years or so, but it’s about time someone did something about it.

Ninety master bakers from the island of Funen have taken up the challenge to experiment with new recipes for the holy flesh, daily religious newspaper Kristeligt Dagblad reported on Thursday.

‘We have never tried anything like this before,’ Svendborg baker Gerner Pedersen said. ‘It’s very exciting. I think I will go for a baguette made out of a mixture of wheat and rye flour. That would give a good, strong taste of bread.’

Copenhagen deacon Finn Laugesen said he wished the bakers all the best. ‘But for as long as I have been responsible for the communion wafers, I’ve gone for the most neutral taste I could find,’ he said. ‘After all, the bread should symbolize the body of Jesus, and the wafer shouldn’t be getting all the attention. Just imagine if the pastor at the altar would say ‘This is the body of Jesus Christ. Would you like that with chocolate, vanilla or strawberry taste?’

Personally I think the idea of chocolate, vanilla or strawberry flavored flesh of Christ wafers would go a long way toward getting folks to come to church more often. Cut them into cute shapes of Christ on the cross and you could sell them as a form of animal cracker at the local supermarket if you wanted to. Mystical cannibalism would be sure to become vogue once again. Hey, now that I think about it, you could package up some communion wine in juice boxes and have a complete Jesus In A Box meal to send off with the kids as a lunch! I can see the TV ads now:

First Boy: Ham and cheese for lunch AGAIN?? How boring! What do you have, Timmy?
Second Boy: My mom packed me a Jesus In A Box meal! It’s got new tuna flavored flesh of Christ and cranapple flavored blood of Christ and comes with a toy Moses action figure! He kicks Egyptian ass!
First Boy: Wow! A meal that satisfies your spiritual hunger as well as your physical hunger! That’s cool!

9 thoughts on “Mmmm! The Body of Christ to get new tasty flavors!

  1. I always loved the taste of the communion wine and have never tasted anything else like it.  Probably the one reason I’m not an alcoholic.

  2. Since Jesus is supposed to be from the Middle East, I’d suggest the wafers be hummus-flavored. Perhaps they should be cut in the shape of him sitting on his ass (donkey).

  3. Now, now, Les LOL

    Good idea, but I’m afraid the CC will need more than that to improve business.  Maybe a Bishop Wilberforce action figure, kicking Thomas Huxley’s ass?  Or how about Urban VIII kicking Galileo?

    Actually, compared to Protestant fundies, the CC is downright progressive- why, they recinded Galileo’s excommunication in 1992, so he only had to endure a laughable 350 years of purgatory.  And JP II has admitted that evolution has been “proven true”- I won’t hold my breath waiting for Pat Robertson- or George Bush for that matter- to say that.

    Now, if only they’d stop molesting kids, let women be priests, and endorse birth control, they’d be on their way into the modern world.

  4. And now I have to send this information to my mother, who thought I was horrible when I said I’d go to church more often if the Jese-itz tasted better…she didn’t like my use of Jese-itz either…lol

    Speaking of action figures…you should check this out!

    Jesus Action Figure

  5. THAT’S IT! THAT’S THE PERFECT NAME FOR OUR NEW PRODUCT! JESE-ITZ!

    New from Stupid Evil Bastard Products: Jese-Itz! The tasty way to eat the body of Christ! Fortified with 11 essential vitamins, minerals and prayers, Jese-Itz are the perfect snack to purify your soul!

    As for action figures, the ones you linked to are an amusing parody, but back in April of 2003 I wrote an entry about some that are intended to be taken seriously.

  6. I wish I could take credit for coming up with Jese-Itz on my own…but alas, no…I heard a comedian (Can’t remember his name) and have since added it to my vocabulary. 

    I’ve seen the real figures too…but they don’t look as fun…lol

  7. I have always wondered about sophisticated cannibalism and the lack of flavor. I understand that a South Seas custom of eating “long pig” (human flesh,) with a little salt, is fairly tasty but to substitute a cracker seems quite tasteless.

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