It’s going to be one of those nights.

I have a bad tendency to stay up late even when I do have to get up in the morning and it only gets worse when I don’t have to get up, but tonight I was going to try getting to bed at a (more) reasonable time for a change in part because I didn’t sleep too well last night and I’ve been feeling tired and lethargic all day. This is a familiar refrain from me I realize, but usually when I’m feeling out of it during the day I make good on my self-promise to call it an early night.

The brain isn’t being too cooperative, though. I think the stress of being unemployed combined with being mildly worried about my Dad is finally starting to get the better of me. I haven’t been particularly worried about either issue for the most part, but for reasons I can’t grasp it’s all that I can think about when I climb into bed and try to close my eyes tonight.

It’s now been three weeks since my last position ended and that’s the longest I’ve been unemployed since I was a teenager. Endless stories from others about being unemployed for 8 months or more combined with the fact that I’ve had one solitary interview in all this time is, to put it mildly, starting to gnaw at me a bit. I’ve gotta have at least 50 resumes out there by now and a dozen different contract houses and yet not a single phone call other than from the contract houses saying they’re looking. In the past I’d at least get a letter or a phone call telling me to piss off if I wasn’t going to get the job so this complete lack of feedback is disconcerting. I should be getting my final paycheck on Friday which should give me one more month of health insurance and paying the bills and there’s still quite a bit of my income tax return sitting in the bank so I’m probably good for another two months or so, but that’s not a comforting thought. Trying to live on unemployment is not going to work for us.

As for my Dad, I know rationally that there’s not a whole lot I can do about his situation myself other than be there for him, sit patiently, and hope for the best. That, too, is sticking in my craw. It probably wouldn’t have developed into the stressor it has if the surgery had gone off when it was scheduled to, but this additional delay while he gets over his pneumonia leaves me with nothing but time to spend developing worries over it.

I’m a lot better than I used to be when it comes to worrying about things. When I was younger I used to worry about everything and when I didn’t have anything to worry about I’d worry about not having anything to worry about because it meant something worth worrying about was about to happen. Stupid, I know, but I had a much lower self-esteem as a teenager. These days I manage my worries pretty well, but occasionally they build up and lead to sleepless nights like this one. I think the fact that I didn’t sleep well last night contributes to the problem as being tired during the day means I have less control over what my brain is focusing on.

I know I’m tired at the moment cause I can feel it in every part of my body except my mind. That part is wide awake and showing no signs of slowing down anytime soon. So, rather than lay in bed tossing and turning and waking Anne up repeatedly, I figured I’d get up and whine about it on the blog. Anne’s getting up at 6AM to drive Courtney into school because of some need to transport some project materials Courtney is taking with her so I don’t want to disturb Anne’s sleep if I can avoid it. I hadn’t used the laptop in awhile so I dug it out and here I am.  So that’s why I’m still awake when I promised myself I wouldn’t be. Man I hope this is more interesting than it sounds when I read it back to myself.

10 thoughts on “It’s going to be one of those nights.

  1. You sound so stressed out, Les!  I hope you can relax soon and that everything works out for the best!

  2. I second DOF’s recommendation (if your body’s hurtin’, it takes the focus off your other problems—you’re just too damn tired to care grin).  And I also highly recommend writing down your worries (in private), in as much detail as you need to, as many nights as you need to.  It really does help clear your mind so that you can get to sleep.

    Yeah, people don’t tend to make “piss off” calls any more.  It would suck more if it didn’t also mean that you get fewer rejection calls (I’m not sure I could take 50 rejection calls for 50 job applications).

  3. I had a night like that too.  Laid down at six to sleep a couple of hours for work and just laid there.  I wasn’t as smart as you, even though I knew I wasn’t going to sleep I still laid there wishing someone would hit me over the head with something so I could sleep.  I still worry too much over everything and I want so badly to help dad too and the best I can do is offer him a shave and a game of trivia!

  4. Happens to me all the time Les. Drives my more wife crazy, too. I have found ways to at least stop worrying while I lie there staring at the ceiling, but I’m not sure if they’d work for you. I either concentrate real hard on a story I’m plotting at the time, trying to write it in my head in advance of the actual work, or I focus very strong on a paticularly appealing dream and the mundane aspects of it. For instance, one night last week I thought about taking a trip down to Australia, so I started to plot out how I’d get to the airport, would I get a ride or leave the car in long term parking? Should I fly by day or night? How long would the flight be? What should I take to read on the plane? That sort of thing. After an hour or so of plotting my trip I actually fell asleeep.

    As for the work situation, just keep plugging along. I know it sucks, I was out of work for almost a year when we first moved to Michigan. The first few months we skated by on savings and the occasional loan from family members, towards the end we actually had to start selling things on ebay, like chunks of our DVD collection. It was horrible, but things worked out in the end and we’ve been slowly replacing everything we sold off. Almost done.

    And good luck to your Dad. I have a hard time even thinking about relations in the hospital because I lost my own Dad back in the summer of ‘01 to cancer. It was probably the toughest time of my whole life.

  5. Well, I’m sure one more voice telling you to “hang in there, baby” isn’t going to be much help, but I’m tossing my well-wishes in nonetheless.  I’ll refrain from sharing tales of my past losses and misfortunes; this is your time, not mine.

    I will say that when I was particularly worried about my job searches, I did a fair amount of research/practice.  I read several books about job hunting and interviewing techniques.  One of the best I read was the Complete Interview Q&A (I think…I’ve got it at home, but not here.)

    Even though this didn’t have an effect on who called me, it made me feel as if I were taking some degree of control, and improving an area in which I had been weak.  When I did go into my interviews, I felt confident and relaxed.

    My recommendation therefore would be to take control of the areas that you can affect.  As far as you father goes, just ensure there are no words left unsaid.  Hope for the best, plan for the worst.  I guess that sounds cold, but it’s reality.

  6. I admit that I’m really bad about exercising. The most exercise I’d gotten recently was walking home from Belle Tire a few days back after dropping my car off to get it worked on. That was about five miles or so and my body wasn’t very happy about it. I don’t have a regular exercise routine at the moment, though.

    Skippy, nothing cold about it. It’s the same sort of advice I’d give others. I’m doing better today and this isn’t an unusual cycle for me. Every so often life’s stresses build up and I have a sleepless night and then I go back to being my same old self for awhile. I go through a similar cycle with depression.

  7. Ain’t a whole heck of alot any of us can do about Dad right now, so try to stop stressing.  Just call him when you think of it so he knows we haven’t forgotten him!  He is obviously where he has to be to get better and I don’t want it any other way!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.