To my Friends and Colleagues:  Because there seems to be a dismal lack of appreciation for scientific Creationist research, I have decided to sponsor a write-in column for people who are curious but ignorant of the natural sciences and to report on the progress which has occurred over the past century or millennium..

From the infallible computer of Peter Fredson, Esq.

1 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Is it the pull of gravity that which keeps us from falling off the earth into space?
Dear Sir or Madam:  No, it is because the earth sucks.

2 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  What makes water wet?
Dear Sir or Madam:  The thing that makes water wet is the absence of dryness, or, in more technical terms, negative aridity.

3 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Why, when I’m in an airplane, do people on the ground, even buildings, look like little specks?  Huh?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Next time, before you go up in the air, ask the airport maintenance people to wash the windows of the airplane. Then the specks will vanish.  Voila!  But I should warn you that the longest flight so far was only 120 inches at some beach in Virginia by the crazy Wright brothers.  If God had meant us to fly, he would have given us wings at birth, like the birdies.

4 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: At night when I look up at the sky there seem to be thousands of little lights in the sky.  How far away are they?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Some of them are tiny lights caused by high-flying fireflies, others are sparks from forest fires, but the majority are from stellar bodies at least, oh, 20 to 40 miles high.

5 *  Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: How many pets should people have anyway?
Dear Sir or Madam:  The question is really, how many people should a pet have. They get confused easily, so anything over 5 people is excessive, but less than 1 is satisfactory.  They stink, cause a mess, and eat constantly.  So pets should choose people carefully.  Don’t pamper them!

6 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Are stage coaches or locomotives best?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Locomotives need a lot of wood and water and much maintenance.  Horses however provide manure for rosebushes, eat only natural herbage, and nuzzle you like crazy when they like you.  Try that with a locomotive !

7 *  Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What future is there for the “horseless carriage?”
Dear Sir or Madam:  Not very much.  The bicycle is coming more and more into common use.  It can be easily stored on the front porch, needs no expensive fuel or batteries or spark-plugs. But avoid buying a tricycle.  Too clumsy and heavy.

8 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Will the submarine be useful in warfare?
Dear Sir or Madam:  It will only be useful to asphyxiate its crew, sink like a rock, and provide shipyards with employment for drunks and wastrels.

9 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Can we tell what the Universe was like before the Big Bang?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Our knowledge is limited to running the universe backwards by mathematics to find out what it was like then.  We know that quarks coalesce into protons and neutrons, but it’s very hard to see something that tiny without a very high quality reading glass.

10 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Is it true that much of the upper half of the United States was once covered by great glaciers?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Yes, and a good thing too. Those glaciers swept away huge rocks, carved deep channels for rivers, formed the Great Lakes, and swept away all the plastic picnic plates from former occupants.

11 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Is it true that we come from apes?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Only members of Congress. Democrats come from cute little furry monkeys. The rest of us were made by God.

12 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Is there anything that goes faster than the speed of light?
Dear Sir or Madam: Obviously you have never tried to stretch a paycheck to last 30 or 31 days. They say that time flies, but they forget that money goes faster than the eye can see.  Whereas, the eye can see light.  Otherwise it would be dark.

13 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Is there any electricity left in the wires when you turn the switch off?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Yes, so be careful.  Never stick your finger or penis into an electric light socket, even if the switch if supposedly off.  It can really dampen any ardor quickly.  Wow!

14 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Which can run faster…a lion or a human?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Experiments Romans performed in the Colosseum indicated that 5 out of 6 times the lion will catch the human.  Incidentally, we had no more budget left for purchasing atheists, so our experiments had to be cancelled.  Economy rules!

15 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Which is better for building material…wood or baked clay?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Well, you can build a wooden house around a human successfully, but we have never been able to keep one alive successfully after inserting the house into a red hot kiln. Otherwise the clay one is a lot cheaper.

16 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Will people ever be able to fly?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Well, we have made some attempts to insert anally various devices such as sky-rockets, or attach wing-like devices with harnesses, but all attempts fail as we cannot possibly install toilets or folding food-trays and drink dispensers on such devices. Sorry!

17 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  How can we chart the course of underground rivers.
Dear Sir or Madam:  Very simply.  By making small boats, each holding a bomb, then floating them into the mouth of the underground river, and then going on top and listening for where the bombs go off.  Unfortunately other countries are very sensitive about us using bombs under their land.

18 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Is it true that some scientific research is fraudulent?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Unfortunately, yes.  However, we pay off fraudulent scientists with counterfeit money so no one really loses in the long run.

19 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  How can I get a kitten out of a tree?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Try cutting down the tree, or setting it on fire, or shooting the little kitty.

20 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  If tyrannosaurs lived today, what would be their favorite food?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Obviously the tastiest and most abundant would be humans.  Democrats are usually the fattest and slowest moving, while the Republican agnostics are the saltiest and worst-tasting, because they are full of bile.

21 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Will humans ever be able to live in outer space.
Dear Sir or Madam:  Humans and rats can live anywhere.  If they can live in Outer Mongolia, then they can live in outer space.  However, it is difficult to construct a spacecraft with a back porch and an outhouse.  (You wouldn’t want a toilet INSIDE, surely!)

22 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  What causes Winter?
Dear Sir or Madam:  Winter is caused by the absence, or lack of, Summer.  Fortunately the transition is eased by the interposition of Fall or Autumn. Otherwise one day we would all be at the beach in bathing suits, and the next day freezing our appendages off. God is SO wise!

23 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  What would happen if a giant meteor crashed into earth?
Dear Sir or Madam: Or, if the earth crashed into a giant meteor?  In either case, there would be considerable economic loss to fast-food chains, vending machines, and trailer parks.  The electricity might go out. The extent of loss would depend on the extent of giganticity of the meteor.

24 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Should our children emulate Einstein?
Dear Sir or Madam: No mother would let her child go around with such tousled hair, dirty sweat shirts and saying nasty things like EC= something or other.

25 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Will Television ever be a reality?
Dear Sir or Madam: No.  It would be much better to pass around slides or photographs …certainly a lot cheaper, and give hands-on experience rather than sitting around looking into some ridiculous kind of fortune-telling globe or electric light bulb.  It’ll never work! What a stupid idea!

26 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Is it good to go jogging?
Dear Sir or Madam: Well, it is very good for doctors and especially undertakers.  This kind of exercise causes more deaths than going on crash-diets. Joggers die healthier than non-joggers, but much sooner. Avoid jogging like the plague.  Incidentally the plague should also be avoided.

27 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Is the idea of having hot and cold running water inside the house a new one?
Dear Sir or Madam: No, the Romans had their slaves running constantly to pour hot and cold water into their baths.  That’s where the idea came from.  When slavery was abolished they had to find another way to get their hot and cold water.  The rest of the story is history.

28 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  What is a Galaxy?
Dear Sir or Madam: It’s the presence of a whole lot of star dust gathered together in occasional clumps, some of which are very large.  Certainly you could not begin to stretch your arms around any.  A galaxy is a lot bigger than Pittsburgh.

29 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Why is there anything?
Dear Sir or Madam: If there wasn’t something, there would be nothing.  And as Rosanna Rosanna Danna used to say: “There’s always Something.” And that’s probably the best answer unless you are a Christian. Then you can say, “God Did It!”

30 * Dear Mr. Creation Scientist:  Is it true that if I press the trigger of a gun very very lightly, that the bullet will only come out a very very little way?
Dear Sir or Madam:  That would be a very interesting experiment.  May I take high speed photographs of you looking into the muzzle while doing that? Science needs to know ALL of the answers.


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