I DON’T WANT TO INTRUDE MY BELIEFS
By Peter Fredson
(A Political-Religious Satire)
President Jet Fratboy was speechifying to an executive session of Christian Conservatives the other day and we were lucky enough to record some of his speech before we were handcuffed, flogged and thrown out bleeding on the street.
“Friends, it’s an honor to speak informally to this group of honest Christian reconstructionists, dominionists, Moral Majoritarians, and Christian Coalitionists. I told you in 1998 that if you got me elected, I would pay you back many fold. We all followed the strategy of misdirection, stealth, deceit, denial, and downright imposition and it worked. It worked real good! I told everybody that I wouldn’t intrude my religion on anybody, and they bought the story. Whatta bunch of losers!
“Friends, you know that I’m President now by the grace of God, Jesus Christ and probably the Virgin Mary too. They selected me for this job and I’m gonna repay them. I thank Jerry, Billy, Jimmy, Rushdooty, Franklin, Gary, Paul, Dick and all the other 48,000 televangelists. Without their data bases, computer lists, Sunday sermons on voting choices, selecting me as the Christian choice, I couldn’t have beaten those stinking liberals. I gotta good relationship with Jesus, which everybody otta have. Nobody otta be allowed to be President that ain’t a True Christian.
“First of all, I’m tired of all the Christian Bashing going on. I’m gonna stop it. I’m passing a law prohibiting blasphemy and derogatory talk about religious leaders. Anybody attacking my friends Jerry, Billy, Jimmy, Johnny, Ronnie or others are gonna find themselves in jail for disturbing the peace. I’m gonna shut down all those liberal media and all those lyin’ reporters. They’ll never work again.
“Second, I’m sick and tired of all that ruckus about prayer in school. We always had it and we’re always gonna have it. I’ve made up an executive order for it. Me and my good Christian friends have made up a non-denominational Christian prayer that everybody in school is gonna say every morning, just before they say the Pledge of Allegiance…the one where God rules this nation, you better betcha. By the time those damned activist judges know what hit them it’ll be too late.
“And speaking of activist liberal judges…well, they ain’t gonna be around long. I’m getting rid of all of them, one by one. And I’m putting in good solid Christian True Believers in the Supreme Court so no atheist sonsabitches can murder babies, commit sodomy, blaspheme, or worship any other Gods but our own really True God. And that’s a fact!
“And starting tomorrow I’m issuing a proclamation declaring this is the Century of the Bible, the world’s greatest book, and that every school is gonna teach those precious words that the Creator hisself said to Moses and other old Jews. And I’m making the laws conform to that dear sacred book to save all our souls. I don’t mean to intrude my beliefs on anybody, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
“And next month I’m issuing an executive order to print a picture of Our Lord himself on our Fifty Dollar bills, with a picture of Moses carrying the Ten Commandments on the dollar bill. That’ll show those sonsabitchin atheists.
“And them I’m gonna change the antiquated Constitution to reflect our Holy Bible. I kin do it. I got the entire Republican Party behind me on that. Orin says he can figger out how to do it without having a recorded vote.
“And then I’m issuing an order to print a million copies of parchment with the original words of the Ten Commandments and post them in every Court Room, School Room, Congressional Office and washroom. I’m gonna print the 10 Commandments on every driver’s license and nobody will be allowed to vote until they swear they have accepted Jesus as Lord. My daddy was right when he said that atheists couldn’t be citizens. Now we’re gonna shut them up for good.
“And we’re gonna open every session of court, congress and federal office with a nice little prayer made up by my wife, which nobody could possibly object to, except some sonsabitchin atheist. I’m putting up a nice little altar in the Oval Office, with a baptismal font, and anybody that wants a contract with me gotta be sprinkled first.
“Ya remember I said I would take care of your needs. Well, I’m starting a new Federal Bureau BELIEF AND FAITH IN GOD because I know I kin trust you guys with money. I’m giving you lots of money to go out and spread the good news about Jesus and God and all that other good stuff. I’m putting General Boycan in charge of that. We got too many heathen here in this country and it’s gotta stop. I want you to figger out how to evangelize this entire nation, lock-stock-and barrel. I want everybody down on their knees, praying day and night. I want them feminist women to shut their traps and get back to cookin and cleanin, where God meant them to be. And they gotta give us nooky whenever we want it, like God said. But you gotta be careful at first. Some people are gonna make trouble, so you gotta do it with stealth, and deceit and misdirection… like I did. Always tell them that you won’t intrude your sacred beliefs on them. That’s the story, so let’s stick to it.
“Don’t worry about the constitution because my lawyers figgerd out that I kin do anything I please. After all, I’m a War President! It don’t matter that I started the war, once I got it going good nobody kin stop it. As you know, God told me that he’s on our side. And, when I say God, it’s not the fake one of the Muslims, no sir. And if anybody brings up that old junk about Separtition of Church and State just tell ‘em they have misunderestimated and underjudged …… ”
At this point 50 men in heavy armor, gas masks, night vision goggles, black boots, black masks, rifles, pistols, grenades, tear gas and clubs stormed in to stop the dastardly recording of their beloved president. I knew I shouldn’t have worn that T-Shirt that said: “JET LIED, PEOPLE DIED.”
Maybe someone will find this cassette recording, even if I never am released again. Whatta shame. It used to be a pretty nice country!