INTRUSIVE BELIEFS

I DON’T WANT TO INTRUDE MY BELIEFS

By Peter Fredson

(A Political-Religious Satire)

President Jet Fratboy was speechifying to an executive session of Christian Conservatives the other day and we were lucky enough to record some of his speech before we were handcuffed, flogged and thrown out bleeding on the street.

“Friends, it’s an honor to speak informally to this group of honest Christian reconstructionists, dominionists, Moral Majoritarians, and Christian Coalitionists.  I told you in 1998 that if you got me elected, I would pay you back many fold. We all followed the strategy of misdirection, stealth, deceit, denial, and downright imposition and it worked.  It worked real good! I told everybody that I wouldn’t intrude my religion on anybody, and they bought the story. Whatta bunch of losers!

 

“Friends, you know that I’m President now by the grace of God, Jesus Christ and probably the Virgin Mary too. They selected me for this job and I’m gonna repay them.  I thank Jerry, Billy, Jimmy, Rushdooty, Franklin, Gary, Paul, Dick and all the other 48,000 televangelists.  Without their data bases, computer lists, Sunday sermons on voting choices, selecting me as the Christian choice, I couldn’t have beaten those stinking liberals. I gotta good relationship with Jesus, which everybody otta have. Nobody otta be allowed to be President that ain’t a True Christian.

“First of all, I’m tired of all the Christian Bashing going on.  I’m gonna stop it. I’m passing a law prohibiting blasphemy and derogatory talk about religious leaders. Anybody attacking my friends Jerry, Billy, Jimmy, Johnny, Ronnie or others are gonna find themselves in jail for disturbing the peace. I’m gonna shut down all those liberal media and all those lyin’ reporters. They’ll never work again.

“Second, I’m sick and tired of all that ruckus about prayer in school.  We always had it and we’re always gonna have it. I’ve made up an executive order for it.  Me and my good Christian friends have made up a non-denominational Christian prayer that everybody in school is gonna say every morning, just before they say the Pledge of Allegiance…the one where God rules this nation, you better betcha. By the time those damned activist judges know what hit them it’ll be too late.

“And speaking of activist liberal judges…well, they ain’t gonna be around long.  I’m getting rid of all of them, one by one. And I’m putting in good solid Christian True Believers in the Supreme Court so no atheist sonsabitches can murder babies, commit sodomy, blaspheme, or worship any other Gods but our own really True God. And that’s a fact!

“And starting tomorrow I’m issuing a proclamation declaring this is the Century of the Bible, the world’s greatest book, and that every school is gonna teach those precious words that the Creator hisself said to Moses and other old Jews. And I’m making the laws conform to that dear sacred book to save all our souls. I don’t mean to intrude my beliefs on anybody, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

“And next month I’m issuing an executive order to print a picture of Our Lord himself on our Fifty Dollar bills, with a picture of Moses carrying the Ten Commandments on the dollar bill.  That’ll show those sonsabitchin atheists.

“And them I’m gonna change the antiquated Constitution to reflect our Holy Bible. I kin do it.  I got the entire Republican Party behind me on that. Orin says he can figger out how to do it without having a recorded vote.

“And then I’m issuing an order to print a million copies of parchment with the original words of the Ten Commandments and post them in every Court Room, School Room, Congressional Office and washroom. I’m gonna print the 10 Commandments on every driver’s license and nobody will be allowed to vote until they swear they have accepted Jesus as Lord.  My daddy was right when he said that atheists couldn’t be citizens.  Now we’re gonna shut them up for good.

“And we’re gonna open every session of court, congress and federal office with a nice little prayer made up by my wife, which nobody could possibly object to, except some sonsabitchin atheist. I’m putting up a nice little altar in the Oval Office, with a baptismal font, and anybody that wants a contract with me gotta be sprinkled first.

“Ya remember I said I would take care of your needs.  Well, I’m starting a new Federal Bureau BELIEF AND FAITH IN GOD because I know I kin trust you guys with money. I’m giving you lots of money to go out and spread the good news about Jesus and God and all that other good stuff.  I’m putting General Boycan in charge of that. We got too many heathen here in this country and it’s gotta stop. I want you to figger out how to evangelize this entire nation, lock-stock-and barrel. I want everybody down on their knees, praying day and night.  I want them feminist women to shut their traps and get back to cookin and cleanin, where God meant them to be. And they gotta give us nooky whenever we want it, like God said. But you gotta be careful at first.  Some people are gonna make trouble, so you gotta do it with stealth, and deceit and misdirection… like I did. Always tell them that you won’t intrude your sacred beliefs on them. That’s the story, so let’s stick to it.

“Don’t worry about the constitution because my lawyers figgerd out that I kin do anything I please.  After all, I’m a War President!  It don’t matter that I started the war, once I got it going good nobody kin stop it. As you know, God told me that he’s on our side. And, when I say God, it’s not the fake one of the Muslims, no sir. And if anybody brings up that old junk about Separtition of Church and State just tell ‘em they have misunderestimated and underjudged …… ”

At this point 50 men in heavy armor, gas masks, night vision goggles, black boots, black masks, rifles, pistols, grenades, tear gas and clubs stormed in to stop the dastardly recording of their beloved president. I knew I shouldn’t have worn that T-Shirt that said: “JET LIED, PEOPLE DIED.”

Maybe someone will find this cassette recording, even if I never am released again. Whatta shame. It used to be a pretty nice country!

 

9 thoughts on “INTRUSIVE BELIEFS

  1. That’s a might good piece there Peter Fredson, Peter Fredson; quite imaginative and anything but fanciful.

    It’s truer now than it ought to be and that is sad, but thanks for pointing out the follies of men who rule badly. When they come to get you, you will be missed.

  2. I got an early copy of Howard Dean’s acceptance speach for the DNC chair:
    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! We’re gonna bomb the Fox news building & shut down the internet where all those family oriented types find a place to connect & pread their damn intellectual diseases!  Then we’re gonna shut Intelligent Design & free thinking out of our school so all the kids will lose all sense of worth so they will have sex with anything that moves & we can murder any products of it without anyone whining!  We’re gonna euthenize all the old farts to save social security…2 birds with one stone, how ya like that?!  We’re gonna appease Al-Queda to get them off our back by giving them all our religious fanatics: they deserve each other anyway!  We can ensure Al-Queda’s victory by handing them all the damn weapons our fascist predecessors wasted their money on before we could siphon it off for welfare!  It’s time Muslim men had all the property rights their religious dictatorship grants them over their women, if that’s what they want.  It’s no different than they way this damn Christian Coalition keeps insisting that women fetuses have the right to exist.  It’s time for true anarchy the way some of the founders knew it would eventually turn out because that’s what the constitution really intends—YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

  3. I got an early copy of Howard Dean’s acceptance speach for the DNC chair:

    Yet another proof that people do not research a person’s proposals or positions, other than what they hear from some talking head on the boob tube.

  4. Ellie said: I got an early copy of Howard Dean’s acceptance speach for the DNC chair:…

    If this were based on truisms to any degree it might be funny. Sadly it’s just a scandalous affront to serious issues and carefully considered positions.

    You’re on the wrong side, ellie, but having witnessed your inability to appraise complex concepts and your penchant for embracing falsifications, I’d say we’re better off with you rooting for the dark side.

    You’re simple-minded and it’s showing.

    And isn’t that supposed to be speech, teacher?

    Speech:

    a. A talk or public address.

    b. A printed copy of such an address.

  5. Ellie’s version of a Dean speech is ridiculous, of course, and doesn’t resemble the truth in any meaningful way. Then again, the same can be said for Peter’s version of a Bush speech. It has only one advantage over Ellie’s attempt at satire, it’s better written.

    Personally, I found both posts funny…..

  6. Thx KPatrick, I just like to show there’s fun to be made on both sides, it is pretty poorly written, I really appreciate those who put the time in to make better satire.

    & yes, shana, I’m glad you see my point…it make s as much sense as assuming any sizable portion of the Republican party even knows what the Bible is, or Bush could have used “stealth, and deceit and misdirection” when his plainspoken bluntness is the very thing so many seem frustrated by.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.