November 29, 2009 6:19 PM (ET)
AP (Appointed Press) Exclusive
Normal (AP) – Certain residents of Normal, Iowa were each minding his and her own damn businesses last Saturday evening when a car filled with limp-wristed bois (hell-bound homosexuals) pulled up to the traffic light, stopping at a red one. Errant strains of discordant retro disco suddenly wafted from the rolling den of sin. Anguished moments passed before the light turned green and finally, it did, and Normal people were left to recover their senses in the muddy backwash of a dirty-minded assault from American youth gone bad. Of those pedestrian witnesses, not a single one would have been faulted, had they swelled as a single great force to violently dismember those audacious animalistic derogates of human correctitude. While “of the flesh” is a term one applies to acts of sin, even sin has a lowest expression, and these animated piles of putritude, these defilers “of the flesh”, challenged all concepts of base humanistic behavior when they chose to obey the traffic controller for the intersection of Hallelujah Way and Sweet Jesus Drive. It would have been a kinder moment if they would have just sped on through the red light and away from those innocent persons of untainted Normal, Iowa.
“It was like something rent a hole in the fabric of reality and pushed demons through it” Eunice Parmenter, from Lisbon, Ohio, in Normal visiting relatives, recounted. “We was bein’ good citizens, simply about our concerns of the day and, suddenly, the whole blessed nearby is tainted with bedeviled wails of “It’s Raining Men” and every little swisher in that corrupted windows down car is sit-dancin’ and shout-singin’ along to it. They must have been five or six of those things in there. I looked away and cried out my “Dear Lords” but I had already see’d too much. I near had myself two heart attacks at the same time!”
Normal may have an enviable name, but people here really are just like people across our united landscape. They have majestic morals and manners and they have memories of what it was like in America BC (Before the Change). Everyday life in America isn’t the same as everyday life was in the pure and chaste-filled 1950s and certainly not like it became in the 70s. It is now truly pure and chaste-filled because we’ve grown up as a nation. Still, many fear that religious social advances achieved during Bush’s righteous second term could again be lost if we aren’t more attentive. Though the ritual of electing a US president was abolished two years ago and the Bush family dynasty was afforded absolute ruling authority, some still remember the not so long ago days and dread of activist judges legislating morality from the broken benches of blinded Courtopia. They remember and they say as one: “Never again!”
So, in this the final (and finally, praise the Lord) legally engendered age of Christian correctness, it’s understandable that some are fearful their best-blessed and chosen lifestyles could suffer being defiled while in proximity to devilish sex and wanton fashion. Even with the Defense of Marriage Act at last providing a necessary amendment to the US Constitution (‘06), it is rumored that secretive same-sex couples still are living together, modeling those bizarre relationships on God-given marriage: that of one man and one woman secure in the holy estate of matrimony. This is the greatest of all sins and it’s enough to give baby Jesus blubbering bouts of baleful bewailing.
Normal’s unfortunate citizens well know that one decrepit car, filled with fey followers of fetid fairy fervor, faithfully represents the fecundity of untold fallen defiling our fruitful fields of faultless grain. These rejected, yet persistent, lust-filled desperadoes grow bolder once again and in the fullness of themselves, they promise to pit our pious peoples against the pustulant progenitors of purgatory. They’re here, they’re queer and they are the Devil’s spawn. We must not get used to it. Today it is Normal; tomorrow it may well be a NATION that is filled with lisping pansies.
In other news, Normal mayor Peter Alonzo, husband to “Bitchy” Alonzo and father of Matt (17), Kenny (10) and bastard child Courtney Fair Alonzo (6), was found this evening nude and in the company of Bubbles Bonaparte, a self-confessed scarlet woman and beloved Normal resident. He is expected to be booked on the charge of engaging in an act of lewdness with a prostitute, forgiven and released well in time to emcee our annual “Farewell To Fall Parade“. The parade proper is scheduled to begin at 11:00 AM tomorrow morning. Make the effort to come early, to meet our esteemed mayor and for best seats.