Official SEB Use This Entry To Proselytize To Us So It Won’t Be Off-Topic Elsewhere Thread

Seeing as it’s become quite regular for the True Believers to show up with the intent of trying to reveal “The Truth” to the rest of us around here, often at the expense of taking a thread completely off-topic, I thought it was time to start an entry specifically for those folks so they can get it out of their system. So, if you’re a True Believer that hopes to show us the error of our ways or you just want to angrily defend your belief system or what have you then please feel free to make use of this thread to post your views/rants/thoughts/comments/sermons/arguments from authority/appeals to emotion/or whatever it is you think you need to say.

386 thoughts on “Official SEB Use This Entry To Proselytize To Us So It Won’t Be Off-Topic Elsewhere Thread

  1. <...Sunfell succumbs to temptation and steps up to the mike…>

        KNOW YE THIS O MAN OF FAITH!

    I – There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.

    II – A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.

    III – A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns).

    IV – A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub.

    V – A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what he reads.

    IT IS SO WRITTEN! SO BE IT. HAIL DISCORDIA! PROSECUTORS WILL BE TRANSGRESSICUTED.

    Sunfell
    (diving into her bunker)

  2. FNORDS!!!

    SEB is infested with FNORDS!!!

    Remember kids, bringing about armegedon can be dangerous to you health grin

    Hath thou had thy hotdog sans bun ?

    Now, back to the regions of Thud with you sir smile

  3. Good luck with this thread.  I doubt they’ll be that orderly since they want to get their message out. I imagine they’ll post where it’s active.  But that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

  4. Howard the Duck was really a fun movie.  Really.  I liked it a lot, from the first time I saw it in the theaters.  I mean, a George Lucas production!  ILM fx!  Jeffrey Jones! Lea Thompson!  Hard-rocking action!  Kinky Duck-on-Woman sexual attraction!  What’s there not to like?

    Those of you who disagree are Philistines, and very likely destined to go to hell.  I have that on Very Good Authority.

    So there.

  5. Bad idea.  Encourage free-speech, encourage them to post.  Engage them.  That’s what (culture) war is all about.

    I enjoy their comments, actually.
    And, towards that point, i encourage people to regularly watch the 700Club (like i do, every day).  Understand the otherside, better than they.

    rob@egoz.org

    (I love that term, “culture war”, is sounds so FarScape-ish, akin to the peacekeeper wars—good movie, bzw)

  6. Verilly those who hath disagreed with the holder of the Three Asterisks shall be dashed against the rocks, and visitied upon by a plague of bad movies starring lesser Ducks such as The Donald “You’re Fried” Duck star of the new television show “The Hatchling”

    Not to mention bad hockey movies containing “Mighty” Ducks and by the manifold names of God … Movies with Corey Feldman in them — for our MaLORD (Mallard?) is a pissed off Malord when it comes to his movies dammnit!

    Thus is the quack of the MaLord.

    Aduck

  7. So, what’s is the true meaning of the three *‘s ?
    I’m assuming it’s some reference to the Christian trinity, correct ?

    BZW, am i the only one who thinks this guy looks like Big Pauly Castellano ?

    rob@egoz.org

  8. Well, beyond the “ia! ia!” (which is somewhat close to the Arabic/Aravi “eye-wa” for “yes”, i think that’s a junk post.

  9. Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fthagn!
    Ph’nglui mglw’nfah Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

    .rob (what does YOUR dot stand for?), it’s probably a call to worship some Dark Elder God or have him feast on your madness. Oh, and you will burn in eternal pain if you don’t understand it.

    One hell of a choice, eh?

     

    ********Godamnned captcha*********
    (Doesn’t play well with firewalls)

  10. The three asterisks are quite reminiscent of Kibo’s signature…

    Anyway, here’s MY dogma. The dogma of Likewise. You can find the original here.

    The Likewise Pledge of Allegiance

    I Pledge Allegiance to a Nation of One with its States United and Indivisible.
    I Pledge Allegiance to a war programme of mentally assaulting pigeons.
    I Pledge Allegiance to an eternal war.
    I Pledge that pigeons will be fed, and will never know how close they came to being assaulted with great prejudice and latte.
    I Pledge Allegiance to Dreams.
    I Pledge Allegiance to a United Nation that has no Kent State, no Vietnam, no Tiananmen, no Dresden, no Ardennes and no Calcutta.
    My horrors, atrocities and bombs will be on the inside,
    confined to My territories and My laws.
    I Pledge Allegiance to an anti-expansion programme.
    The United States of Likewise will neither assimilate not destroy nor swear fealty to another Nation.
    No sir.
    The South will not hate the North nor vice-versa. The heart shall not hate the brain, nor the leg the ear. That is what indivisible means. If there is Civil War, there will be trouble.
    There is only one state of Likewise.
    No second, or thirteenth, or fifty-first.
    I Pledge Allegiance to The Other Six Billion Nations.
    I Pledge Allegiance to diplomacy,
    Where Unwritten Rules and Handshakes Mean Something,
    and no-one looks in a Diplomat’s Bag.
    I Pledge Allegiance to the 1920s and the samurai and nurse.
    I also Pledge Myself to the principles for which they stand.
    I will like it, eat it, hate it, look after it and behead it. As required.
    I kneel only to the highest mountains and the deepest rivers and the smallest flowers.
    I kneel only to pigeons, because they are the scapegoats and more beautiful to me than the eagle.
    But this must never be caught on film.
    I pledge allegiance to the United States of Likewise,
    and to the orbiting rock on which it stands,
    one Nation underground,
    Indivisible,
    with Liberty and Latte for all!

  11. (A question about MEEEEEEEEE ?!?!?!?)

    In the somewhat future (from where i come) people will greatly admire homogenic Western text, and even collect now obscure magazines of all sorts (e.g., HELLO! magazine being a particular favourite).  Your offspring will look at this era, particularly the 1980-1990’s akin to how many of you look at the 1950’s or the Curry-n-Ives pictoralae.

    (I can tell you many things about this near-future, such as…  computers are touched rather than using keyboards, new workers live in a communal fashion, men eat standing up (for proper digestion), and houses always have pointed tops to release the heat—a/c is non-existant).

    AnwayS, periods are obselete and carry a certain nostalgia for a long gone era of peace, relative prosperity, and lost sense of individuality.  In this present age, periods singnify a conclusion, an end, right ?  Right.  Like you view fins on a car, or paper straws, periods are to your future generations.

    I admire this era, no matter its bliss-filled decadence and short-lived corruption.

    To quote a favourite movie:
    “All i see is dead people.”

    So, in conclusion:

    .rob adams

  12. Ok, explain this cult.
    I don’t see the point.

    Look, i admire cults—don’t get me wrong.
    But, i totally expect something in return for my participation.  In the past, cults have provided a bunch of good loot, such as sex, riches, friends, and even free food (London’s Krishna have one of the best free-buffets around).

    So, what the hell do i get out of this card-kult thingy mah-jig? Hmm?

    (BZW, the last oposter totallt looks like Smith of Clerks fame—is it so ??)

    rob@egoz.org

  13. I BELIEVE IN THE CULT OF THE MOUSE CHARGER.

    EVERY NIGHT MY MOUSE ENDS UP ON THE CHARGER.

    IF I FORGET THE WORLD WILL END.

    SAVE ME OH MOUSE CHARGER.

    SAVE ME.

  14. To quote the monk from Monty Python and the Holy Grail…

    Monk:
    And the Lord spoke, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”

    God I love those movies…their version of religious piety makes about as much sense as any other smile

  15. Given that this post seems to have lost its purpose, can I use this post to engage you people on my theory on how the Atheists and Agnostics are God’s chosen people and that these people will go to heaven in a greater probability than people of faith? To simplify the arguments, let us limit ourself to discussion of the Christian religion.

    1) Belief/Religion as key to Heaven: Myth
    Christians often proclaim that the key to going to heaven is the belief in Christ and that non-believers are going to Hell. The problem with this is the Jesus only came to earth 2000 years ago. But the earth was created more than 2000 years ago even by those who adopt the literal 4000 biblical account. Therefore, it means that until the arrival of Jesus, there is no Christian religion. There is Judaism as a possible ancestor to the Christian religion. But it is not widespread and certainly not available in places such as China or Americas. Therefore, it would be odd for God to send these people to Hell for not being Christians because such a religion did not even exist at that time. When Jesus appeared he provided the explanation but unfortunately people has misinterpreted him. Which leads nicely to the next section.

    2) Idol worship / Jesus: Do not worship me
    Jesus talked about Idol worship and that one should not worship him. What he means is that one should not adopt a religion. One should not use the cross or rosary beads as prayer objects for that is idol worship. Worship in the context of a religion is idol worship for one is focus on religious teachings and books which are external rather than internal. We must look at God’s gift of free will and how religion is antithetical to it.

    3) Free Will
    God gave humans free will and this free will means looking into one’s heart and soul to see the divine rather than mere idol worship of some religious book and rules. When God created man, he fashioned man with a touch of his own divinity for man was created in God’s own apperance. And as such by looking at rules written by man in religious books and interpreted by man one has in effect subjected the touch of God’s divinity in each and every human being to being ruled by a lesser being. One is in effect going against the will of God through mere adherence religious books and teaching for they are used against the divine gift of free will that resides in the heart of all man.

    4) Test of God and Journey to salvation
    The story of how God test man is a clear example of his intent in not allowing man to seek the simple route of blind adherence to religious teachings and books. It is simple for someone to tell one the rules and for that said someone to follow it. It is inherently more divine for one to learn about the rules themselves and encapsulate it into one’s life not because someone said that it is a rule; but rather because that said someone through use of his divine gift of free will adopts the rule through his own comprehension and understanding.

    5) True lesson of the Garden of Eden
    When God cast Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, the lesson God wants man to learn is not that one must follow the rules. The sin is not in disobeying the orders but the sin is in failure to use man’s own divine heart to select a course of action.

    6) Atheist and Agnostics are the chosen ones
    These group of people do not use a religious teaching or a book to lead their lives. But rather they look into themselves, they look at society and they act in a manner that is fitting. Sure not all will succeed but many are able to lead a life of love and tolerance. They are able to fully utilise the gift of free will, being able to take the test of God in their arduous journey of to salvation and finally to learn the true lesson of the Garden of Eden. They are able to take a step closer to God through realising that what makes God divine and Man a creation of God wonderous is not the blind following rules for if that is what God wants he can look to the world of physics but rather being able to looking within and lead a life of independent thought and contemplation. For just as God need not look to rules to guide him, he wants man not to look to rules but to look within himself and see the God within.

  16. Jeez, you make a few innocuous comments about a duck movie, and the next thing you know, someone’s building a religion around it. grin

    1.  Regarding the three stars … the truth is, as usual, a lot more prosaic than the conspiracy theorists would have it.

    2.  Regarding movies with Corey Feldman in them, I have just three words:  The Lost Boys.  Corey is hereby forgiven all subsequent aesthetic sins.

    4 … (3, sir!)

    3. Pauly Castellano?  Heh.  My Italian grand-uncles in the trucking industry would be dutifully amused.  Or, maybe, not. (But it’s probably time to redo my GrAvatar, since I’m bewhiskered again.)

  17. Yes, Les, you should have seen this coming.  Never give the children free reign again.

    I for one need to get my hands on a Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

    Eton: Love your gravitar.

  18. This is scary: Pop Tart’s atheist/agnotic post actually made logical sense to me. Makes me realize that in spite of my Pagan camoflauge, I am really a Freethinker at heart.

    Too bad most Christians spend their idle time idolising the idyll of Christ. People ask me if I’ve ‘found Jesus’, and I tell them, “yeah, he’s hiding from his fans in my back room.”

    I like Robert Heinlein’s attitude towards religion. Especially his phrase: “One man’s religion is another man’s belly laugh.” Some proto-Discordian must have taken that literally.

    Sunfell

  19. I’m with you, Sunfell. I sat there with my jaw hanging open thinking, “Not only did Pop Tarts reply not confuse the hell out of me, it actually kinda makes sense!”

    Does this mean I have to start wearing sandals and a toga and wander around in the desert for an interminable amount of time?

  20. All hail Pop Tarts!
    I hope that post is widely spread its so very well put.  I wonder how many devoties of the Christ cult could actualy find and use the gift of free will to find God within without an instruction manual to do so.

  21. Man am I relieved! All this time reading Pop Tart’s comments and I thought it was just me!

    Pop Tarts, what you wrote is so original and sensible, it’s fucking groundbreaking.

    Pop Tarts for president, everybody!

  22. Les, wear your stupid bastard shirt. They could found a religion from that thing alone.

    Anyone here ever read ‘A canticle for Leibowitz’? They built a post-bomb religion from a broken circuit board and a shoppig list!

    And yes, Les, you should have seen this coming. You have two sorts of madmen on this board. But only one that you can trust with your society wink

  23. Sigh. I should not post this late. It’s ‘shopping list’ and ‘one sort that you can trust’.

  24. Excellent post, Pop Tarts! 

    Mix that with Howard the Duck as spokesperson and a great buffet, we got us a great cult. wink

    I’m just waiting to see who will get riled up over it…

  25. Oh, yes- I have read “A Canticle for Liebowitz”. It’s been a while, but that was a great book. So was ‘Alas, Babylon’- but I have an odd fondness for ‘end of the world’ stories. Maybe all the ‘end times’ chatter has encouraged that, but with books like “Lucifer’s Hammer” and “The Stand” in my collection,  I’m ‘ready’ for just about anything.

    Sort of.

    Pop Tart, I’d love to share your post with readers on my own blog, with your permission.

    Sunfell

  26. Les, you may need to put a big ass link on the top of the SEB hompage to this thread, so they can just come straight here.  You know how they tend to either disappear when the locale changes, or we get it running down more than one thread.

    On second thought, it will likely be up to us to post replies to proselytizers here to get them to move. 

    Maybe a big blinking neon looking sign that says “Proselytize Here” and flashes between a neon stripper outline and a cross.

  27. Isn’t it obvious?  .rob has a dot in front of his name so that he won’t show up during a regular ls.

    Pop Tarts:  whoa.  Just … whoa.  Amazing.  The mind reels.

  28. Hey Les,

    I know I am a relative newbie to your blog, and I don’t even want to pretend to tell you how to run it.  It seems that your original intent for this thread would be better served if you started a new thread with Poptarts phenomenal post heading it.

    If that won’t attract proselytizers, I don’t know what will.

  29. Well, since all religious thought eventually gets corrupted as it makes its journey into public consciousness, let me get the ball rolling.

    Pop Tarts is the new Messiah.  I will engrave his words on a Formica tablet, which will then become a Holy Relic of PopTartsism.  Then I will martyr myself for the agnostic cause, which will lead to a PopTartsian crusade against the non-believers.  Rivers of blood will dampen the land, and the Jackdaw of Oblivion will lay the 12 Eggs of Discontent.  Upon the fiery death of the Last Hatchling, Pop Tarts will come again to re-smite the wicked and shower the meek with breakfast treats.
    Yay and verily, man.

    Oh yeah— And no shrimp-eating or haircuts, or else!

  30. Pop Tarts, I am making a tatoo of your name on my chest right now!…..ooooppss!!!
    Gotta read your thing again.

  31. Laughing Muse’s remark reminded me of a piece I read in VICELAND.COM:

    Holy Fuck
    Is the Bible a DON’T?

    When he was 29, Jesus wrote The Bible because he knew it would get him laid. Guess what––it worked. Not only did he fuck tons of really religious women, he also laid about a million whores. He didn’t even get married he got so laid.

    Since then the bible has been nothing but a raging pussy magnet. There was the Lot’s family affair, Abraham fucking his maid, Onan (the guy who beat off), and I think there was some guy who started his own religion by burying a gold bible in his backyard. He probably got at least a little bit laid.

    Cut to modern times, and things haven’t changed a bit. Lenny Bruce started his own religion to get laid. Then we had all those cult leaders like David Koresh that made up rules like “I get to fuck whoever I want even if she’s 14 and everyone else can go fuck themselves.” Even right now, you have Raelian “Sensual Seminars” enabling really ugly bald guys to eat out any teenager they want. Shit, even gay guys (if they become priests) get to use the bible to have young adolescent boys sit on their lap and make them feel good. So what about us?

    We sent our pal David out with a brand new holy bible and told him to go to every rock show, rooftop party, and bar he could to try to get laid. The rules: No explaining what the fuck is up with the bible, no putting it down ever, and no cheesy lines.

    “I did miserably at first,” he told me from his apartment after his first night of trying. “They would say things like they had to ‘go to the bathroom’ and never come back. One time this girl looked at me and looked at the bible and said, ‘Um no,’ before I could even say anything.”

    After his third night out, David called me with some good news. “I got laid last night,” he told me, all excited like a little fag. “I got a girl to come home with me.”

    I asked him if she saw the bible and he said, “I obeyed all the rules. I held it close to my chest the whole night. When she asked me about it, I just shrugged and said, ‘You know, whatever.’ I even brought it home with me. Everything turned out great.”

    David sounded happy, but I could tell something wasn’t right. I had a hunch way before we started this experiment that the bible ain’t what she used to be. When I pressed him I got the real goods: “It’s possible she was pretty drunk. The next morning she was all, ‘Whoa, what a night.’ I asked her if we could exchange numbers and she said no, and when I asked her why, she said, ‘Because if I saw it was you I probably wouldn’t pick up.’”

    So that settles it. The bible is a DON’T, and the only way it will ever get you laid is if there’s plenty of liquor on the table next to it.

    JOHNNY C. PHILIPS

  32. Dude, if you call it “Click here to Proselytize” you know they will go to another thread and comment just to spite you.  Instead, I suggest you call it:
    “Jesus Christ eats babies and kills small bunnies with his fist, evil satan lover that he is”
    (sorry to the normal Christians who read this list)
    I promise, you will get lots of replies then.

  33. Okay, the one thing I’m honestly curious about is how the proselytizers find SEB in the first place.

    For some reason, creationist/evolution threads seem to attract more than their fair share of them, too.

  34. “Jesus Christ eats babies and kills small bunnies with his fist, evil satan lover that he is

  35. Agreed….All Hail Pop Tarts.  Particularly liked your section on “Free Will.”  Seems to me that is what scares these people the most.  Making one’s own decisions after much thoughtful consideration is hard mental work.  Maybe at one point they tried looking into their own hearts, minds & souls and discovered, to their horror, that they had none.

    Obviously, not all Christians are proselytizers, but the latter group is surely making the most noise and gaining in power and influence.  “All sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

  36. I’m surprised at you two. How quickly you forget that SEB is the number 8 link on Google when you do a search for “Kent Hovind.” For that matter I’m sure the Catholics just love the fact that SEB is the number 1 link when you Google for “Saint Goncalo.” Folks searching for info on this relatively unknown Saint will find this entry to be what Google thinks is most relevant. Many of them are not happy judging from the emails I’ve gotten.

    We’re also currently number 1 if you search for “naked boobies,” number 11 for “stupid,” number 6 and 7 for “camel toe song,” number 32 for “evil,” and number 8 for “bastard.”

    Google loves us.

  37. Wherein ***Dave makes a one good point on the Howard the duck movie – Lea Thompson – He commits the unforgivable heresy of citing the move over the comic books.  We, the church of the Howard the Duck comic Books find that the church of the Howard the Duck the movie to heretical in all ways, save for the admiration of Lea Thompson.

  38. I suspect the proselytizers find their way to specific threads via links from sites complaining about them.  “Oooo, the mean atheists are at it again!  Let’s go show them the Light!

  39. Oh, and I’m sure the folks at Citi Financial are just pleased as punch that we come up at number 9 for my article where I bitch them out.

    Oooo! We’re number 9 for “Answers in Genesis” too! And number 8 for “great googly moogly” which I had forgotten I’d ever even said. Number 11 for “define irony,” number 3 for “stupid bastard” and number 1 for “evil bastard,” number 3 for “pictures of people praying” for some odd reason, and, finally, my personal favorite:

    We’re number 2 for “safety tip of the day” right behind The Orange County Fire Authority’s saftey tip of the day website!

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