Under-developed teens of the world, rejoice! Target now sells “falsies!”

I about fell out of my chair laughing when I saw that Target is selling “Takeouts Bra Inserts” on their website. The product description is priceless:

If the genetics gods did not give you the perky C’s you deserve and implants are too much of a commitment, you can always turn to the age-old method of augmentation. Stuffing has never been so sexy as with these natural-feeling, natural-looking Takeouts gel breast enhancers that slip into most any style of bra. Made of clear, medical-grade silicone in polyurethane shells, they’re known as “the better boob job” and put the cleavage precisely where you want it. Place them under the breasts for lift, in front for extra voluptuousness, or on the outer sides for va-va-voom with low necklines and strapless cuts. Designed to add a full cup size to your bustline, they provide a subtle boost without making your cups runneth over. They feature a nice, symmetrical shape and a weighty, substantial feel. A pick-me-up that’s perfect for A’s and B’s alike, the Takeouts come in a hot-pink Chinese-food takeout box and make an especially generous gift. Hand wash as you would your own. Durable and doable in a swimsuit, yet not designed for surfing, cliff diving, extreme groping and other high-impact activities.

What, exactly, is “extreme groping” and can I see it on ESPN when they broadcast the X Games? I’m assuming it’s a sport seeing as it was mentioned in addition to surfing and cliff diving and, honestly, it’s probably the only way you’d get me to watch ESPN anytime soon. Can you imagine? Being disqualified from the Extreme Groping Competition due to bra padding? The mind boggles!

10 thoughts on “Under-developed teens of the world, rejoice! Target now sells “falsies!”

  1. Les didn’t you catch it in the Olympics, or maybe it was the REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION. I know it was on of those two full contact events.
    Man you must be married a LOOONG time. I still remember my days at St. Joseph Pain and Pleasure elamentary skool. It was always the main sport in the back of the bus. Thats where I got my nickname, crazyhands.
    Hope you have a great day.

  2. OMFG. That is so…so…funny…sad…wickedly bad. Copping a feel now has new potential as one could conceivably keep the feel as a souvenir.

    Can Target’s “Crotch It Up a Notch” (packaged in a denim pouch or a plastic basketball) be that far behind?

    Thanks for yet another hearty chuckle.

    Don’t tell me somebody isn’t messing with the capture words. Mine, this time, was “increase”!

  3. OK, you’re right – the mind DOES boggle and mine is still considering what comes next.

    Perhaps “Camel Toe To Go!”

  4. That is such an improvement over surgical enhancements.  All the benefits without any of the health risk, and when she realizes how sad it is to buy into the whole bigger-is-better thing, she can just drop them in the circular file and go find someone with better appreciation for the natural look.

    Even worse, there’s a whole ‘nother extreme to this nonsense.

    …“Koreans are born with small eyes, wide and flat faces, and flat, low noses,” says Kim. “What they would like are larger eyes, narrower and more oval-shaped faces, and higher and narrower noses.

    “Double-eyelid surgery is the most popular, and girls – sometimes boys – start having this done as early as 12. But I do not recommend this. I wait until they are at least 16 or preferably 18.”

    Such is the preoccupation with beauty in Seoul that girls are even having their calf muscles reduced by 40 per cent to gain slimmer legs…

    Apparently the operation can be crippling, and there’s a thriving underground industry of unqualified hacks performing it.  downer

  5. Here we are at the National Extreme Groping Championships, and here is contender Bill Clinton lookin’ no worse for the wear after his hear surgery.

    Oh! Bill is disquilified for illegal use of a Cigar… Now taking the 2004 X-Groping Championship is Jack Ryan, who’s voyeristic groping techniques really wowed the judges here ….

    … Back to you Les in the studio …

  6. Truly, I’m surprised and disappointed in all of you.  You apparently seem to be missing the travesty and injustice that is at the heart of products like this.  I’m not talking about enhancements to body image, or how girls are made to feel about themselves or any such frivolous topics.

    No, my friends, the crime here, with all such products, is FALSE ADVERTISING, and its impact on the true victims, men and boys.

    When we stop this kind of crime, the world will be a better place.

  7. Skippy’s right.  The last thing we need is more 14 year olds running around looking like their going on 22.

    Here’s a marketing idea for the SEB store. The Bastard Codpiece.  Making Target will come along and pick those up too.

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