Gadgets I’d never, ever, ever… ever… EVER… use: The SmartKlamp.

I’m a gadget whore. I admit it. My fascination with gadgets probably borders on obsessive on occasion, but even I, with all my love for pointless doodads and funky whatznitz, have my limits.

Truth is that I don’t have a need for it, as that particular proceedure was performed back when I was totally helpless to do anything about it, but even if that weren’t the case I’d still never ever consider using such a device or consenting to have said device used upon me.

Gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it. Yeesh!

39 thoughts on “Gadgets I’d never, ever, ever… ever… EVER… use: The SmartKlamp.

  1. It’s just another sign of how this horrific genital mutilation is still considered routine, and in some cases still celebrated—do they have to trivialize it further by turning it into a GADGET???

    Maybe they can make the female version, too, and see how cute people think it is.

  2. Maybe they can make the female version, too, and see how cute people think it is.

    At least there’s a law against using the female version of such a gadget for its intented purpose. But if it’s not good for the goose,…

  3. How much weed did these guys have to smoke before coming up with this one?  Looks like a vego-matic!  Can you imagine a 13 yr. old unwrapping this ‘gift’ on his birthday? *thanks mom, excuse me I have to go down to the basement and finish my bom… er ‘science project’ now.*

  4. I’d like to go on record and point out the aesthetic beauty a sculpted tool usually has. While circumcision may seem barbaric as a practice, I didn’t mind it and it does generally tend to pretty-up the things a bit. I guess I’m saying circumcised ones are a cut above the natural versions.

    Sure, my preference is showing and I can live with that. One more person here thinking I’m weird isn’t gonna kill me.

  5. All I can say is Why?
    Why did they make it
    Why did Les link to it
    and more importantly

    Why did I follow the link and feel my testies crawl back up into my oh… throat?

    Owwie!

  6. If one of my kids had been boys, I’d have written “TOUCH THIS AND YOU DIE” and a downward pointing arrow on the newborn’s tummy. Even remembering that sometimes boys are circumcised against the parent’s express wishes makes my blood boil.

    I pity the males that will never know the joys of a foreskin – which is precisely the reason why that barbaric practice started in the US.

  7. Remember that sci-fi movie Saturn 3 where this evil guy and this scientist chick are on some science station around Saturn and the guy has a scary 8-foot-tall robot that works for him?  The chick gets something in her eye and he coerces her to stand there while the scary robot plucks it out with a sharp tweezer in a rattlesnake-quick strike.  He says to her: “Stand very still!”

    Not sure which is scarier.

  8. Now castration.  That would be the ‘Christian’ thing to do.  Not this wimpy circumcision.  I mean Christ said:
    [Quote]There are eunuchs born that way from their mother’s womb, there are eunuchs made so by men and there are eunuchs who have made themselves that way for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.[/Quote]
    Why be nitpicky?  God will take care of you. Right?  wink

    Is there really a market for this product?  What type of parent would subject his child to this instead of taking him to a doctor where the procedure can be performed safely?

  9. Ok, I’m still pretty much a noob when it come to posting here at SEB and I don’t know how to do the nifty blue quote box so I shall simply used old fashioned quotation marks.

    “Is there really a market for this product?  What type of parent would subject his child to this instead of taking him to a doctor where the procedure can be performed safely? “

    Actually, during my quick skim of the SmartKlamp (why does the name feature the word clamp and nothing about cutting? That seem wierd to anybody else?) I saw in the “Where to get?” section this:

    “The SmartKlamp® is solely sold to hospitals, clinics and doctors, and may be applied by medical professionals only.
    Please check out with your doctor.”

    That would mean the device is not for home use and that only trained people can use it.

    This kind of reminds me of an amusing exchange I had with my sister a while back when we were in the grocery store looking at brisket.  I asked “would it be better to use trimmed or untrimmed?” Her response “depends on what you’re using it for…”

  10. As a european who is neither muslim nor jewish the question arises:
    Why, why, why chop it at all?
    Is it so that puritanical parents don’t have to teach their sons to clean their (the sons!) dicks properly? Is it to make masturbation more difficult?
    I mean its clear why ye olde cults do it. Its to designate a young man as adult mimicking the way nature shows a young woman as adult by bleeding from the genitals.But what is the reason in a modern, civilized and possibly secular environment?
    Fittingly enough, my captcha is ‘school’,so somebody please tell me so I can learn something!

  11. At one point in time it was believed that circumcision was preferable from a health standpoint. A view that has since been discredited, but still holds sway with a lot of modern-day physicians. I believe that was the reasoning behind my mother’s decision to have it performed on me at the time of my birth. Not having had a foreskin since shortly after my birth I’ve never really missed it, but I will admit that the first time I saw an unshorn member it gave me quite a shock. I wasn’t sure if there was something wrong with me or the other guy.

    Captcha = ‘reaction’

  12. It’s an ancient blood rite, as Golix says, that came about just because boys were jealous of girls who got to have the babies (and they bled, so the boys wanted to as well, and they had their gods bleed just to fill out the party).  Since then, “enlightened” societies have tried to find other reasons to justify it, including preventing masturbation in the Victorian era, and “health reasons” in our oh-so-modern US.  Yeah, I’ll bet I’d have fewer problems keeping my Georgia O’Keeffes clean too, if my labia were cut off.  And my eyeballs might look nicer without eyelids.

    Brock, when you say “you didn’t mind” being circumsized, do you actually remember it?  Or are you just assuming you didn’t because your parents say you didn’t cry when it was done?  (Babies often withdraw into deep shock when it happens, which is confused with falling asleep out of complacence.)  I only know one person who had to be circumsized as a teenager for real medical reasons, and as I recall from his story, it was no picnic, even if it was done more humanely than it often is for babies (i.e. with anaesthesia).

  13. Golix, I’m with you.

    In (Victorian?) England, circumcision was openly pushed as a means to prevent boys from masturbating (yeah, right) and I believe this motivation carried over into the US. Any spurious medical claims were invented after the fact to justify a profitable and unnecessary surgery that in the US kills about 30 infant boys a year due to complications. Did you ever notice that as soon as a medical claim is debunked, circumcision is supposed to cure yet another disease? It’s possible to make an argument that performing a circumcision violates every single tenet of the Hippocratic Oath.

    What really, Really, REALLY upsets me that in the US, infant boys were routinely circumcised without asking for parental consent – i.e. without informing parents at all.

    It’s easy enough to find anti-circumcision web sites with more (admittedly biased) background; replete with an extremely disturbing video of the actual procedure.

    Okay, I’ll calm down and get off my soapbox.

  14. Yeah, I’ll bet I’d have fewer problems keeping my Georgia O’Keeffes clean too, if my labia were cut off.  And my eyeballs might look nicer without eyelids.

    Cleanliness does not follow from externalizing an internal organ.

    Must. Get. Off. Soapbox.

  15. Thanks Folks!
    On the one hand it’s nice to be seemingly right,
    yet on the other hand the knowledge that millions of infant are being routinely mutilated doesn’t add to my sense of well-being at all!
    elwedriddsche thanks for the hint about the sites,but I think I give those a miss, considering that I’ve spent the last few hours carefully teasing my testicles back out of my body cavity. And that was after just looking at the gadget!

    “probably”

  16. Yes, I meant that I don’t remember it, GeekMom, and was being a little facetious. But I do think some of you are making a little too much of the societal norm to circumcise. To be honest, some babies are born with a tight foreskin that will not retract over the head, therefore it turns out to be a health and hygiene issue for them. Plus, American societal expectations can be cruel to an uncircumcised individual.

    If it’s true that an average of thirty babies die per year in the US due to complications from circumcision, I wouldn’t mind seeing some links to this information.

    When all is said and done, it’s probably best to leave the decision of whether or not to be cut up to the individual, but let’s try to be open minded about the pros and cons. I know from experience, and don’t mean to sound whorish, that uncut members tend to be less fresh smelling sometimes. Since we are a country of clean fanatics, those who are uncut are expected to be more attentive in this regard. Bacteria can thrive in this environment as well.

    I have to admit that my preference has a lot to do with visual and hygienic appeal, and no one should be evaluated through these criteria alone. All I really can say, and feel good about, is keep it clean, and for Jebus sake, use a damn condom when the situation calls for one!

  17. Just a note:  newborn foreskins are not SUPPOSED to retract from the head; it takes a few years before they gradually become retractable.  But I agree with you that once it IS retractable, there’s an opportunity for the Wrong Sort of Bacteria to creep in, and at that point it’s important to keep it clean.  But there’s no arguing aesthetic preferences—chacun a son gout.  (To make things a little less crude wink )

    (Yow! are we being an educational family site yet?)

    (“how”)

  18. I can still remember my mom scrubbin the hell out of Spocko Jr. Youch!

    Here’s some more fun links…

    Each day, more than 3,400 baby boys are circumcised in hospitals across the United States. Though the majority of these operations are performed without incident, between 2 and 10 percent of circumcisions result in complications such as excessive bleeding, infection, or even death.

    In what seems a bizarre twist, some botched circumcisions have been corrected by surgically altering the remaining tissue into female genitalia.

    Death by Circumcision

    Take this quiz, and find out whether you believe the myths that far too many doctors believe, or whether you are an informed layperson or a foreskin-friendly physician who knows and understands the scientific facts about circumcision.

    The Circumcision Quiz

    Care of the uncircumcised boy is quite easy. “Leave it alone’’ is good advice. External washing and rinsing on a daily basis is all that is required.

    Newborns: Care of the Uncircumcised Penis

    The gliding mechanism is Nature’s intended mechanism of intercourse. As such, it contributes greatly to sexual pleasure. Also, since more of the loose skin of the penis remains inside the vagina, the woman’s natural lubrication is not drawn out to evaporate to a great extent, which makes sex easier without using artificial lubricants.

    Mechanics of Intercourse

    OK I’m getting carried away now! red face

  19. Doh!  Not sure how glaringly obvious editing mistakes happen.  I mean, Spocko, that last link was incredibly informative and interesting (Working on time machine…)

  20. Here’s something interesting.  Parents might want to get little Johnny’s consent first.

    When an individual reaches his 18th birthday, the law in many states entitles people to initiate litigation, sometimes up to one or two years from that birthday, for any violations they suffered as children.

    There’s an entire group dedicated to assist those that have been ‘harmed’ and to prevent it from happening to others. NoHarm.org

    Make way Discovery Channel, SEB coming through.

  21. Wow, you people have gotten way too obsessed with this topic. Who would’ve known that foreskins would be at the forefront of so much discussion? Not to cut this off prematurely, but… damn. grin

  22. When all is said and done, it’s probably best to leave the decision of whether or not to be cut up to the individual, but let’s try to be open minded about the pros and cons. I know from experience, and don’t mean to sound whorish, that uncut members tend to be less fresh smelling sometimes. Since we are a country of clean fanatics, those who are uncut are expected to be more attentive in this regard. Bacteria can thrive in this environment as well.

    I have to admit that my preference has a lot to do with visual and hygienic appeal, and no one should be evaluated through these criteria alone. All I really can say, and feel good about, is keep it clean, and for Jebus sake, use a damn condom when the situation calls for one!
    -Brock

    You know, if I had a son I couldn’t care less if his intact penis lacks aesthetic appeal to a future pelvic associate. Further, the boy part evolved to interface with a girl part in a manner which doesn’t require up-close nasal proximity. If there is a conceivable olfactory problem, I’d recommend a vigorous application of soap prior to use instead of the mutilation of an infant boy. Heck, if you’re supposed to wash your hands before dinner, you should bloody well wash up before a different type of meal.

    In other words: Brock, your con’s don’t cut it. I agree with your main thrust, however – it should be an individual choice and keep it clean.

    (history)

  23. Wow, you people have gotten way too obsessed with this topic.

    Sorry, Les. But, it’s subject matter I have some affection for.

    And sorry elwedriddsche, but if I tried harder, I’m sure I could come up with better arguments. All in all, it’s no skin off my nose what someone else does with the skin of his penis. I happen to think tattooing should be illegal, but I doubt it’s gonna be outlawed any time soon. And yes, I know tattooing involves consenting adults (well sometimes). I don’t have an aversion to un-doctored ones, but I think there is more to this subject than just circumcision is flat out wrong.

    I could be insulted too, as you seem to be, because you’re talking about my version of a valid showing too.

  24. Something happened to my post above and the sentences I actually wrote were “And yes, I know tattooing involves consenting adults (well sometimes) . I don’t have an aversion to un-doctored ones, but I think there is more to this subject than just circumcision is flat out wrong.”

    And now it’s official – I am making too much of this subject!

    Captcha word – “method”

  25. Brock: I think there is more to this subject than just circumcision is flat out wrong.

    My beef is not with what a mature male has done to his own penis, but with the invalid reasons that this decision is made for infant boys – in which case I do indeed consider it flat out wrong.

    You have not yet presented a persuasive argument why I should subject my hypothetical infant boy to this procedure.

  26. Alright, here it goes. Im a practicing nurse at the University of Iowa Hospital.

    As for Circumcision figures as of the year of 2004
    caucasian male babies—-> 95.7%
    African-American male babies—-> 77.1%
    Latino-American male babies—-> 50.3%
    Asian-American male babies—-> 62.3%

    That is what our PreNatal rates are. I have assited in over 1500 circumcisions, and ive had all 4 of my infant sons circumcised. ( Plastibell method, leaves a more cosmetic apperence)

    Also before I worked in prenatal care I was a retirement center aid. You know clean the elder patient and monitor his/her situation every 15minutes. And this is the reason i had my 4 sons circumcised. In my work before nursing school as an Aid, the 3 out of 400+ elderly gentlemen who were uncircumcised 2 ended up being circumcised before they died. One for repeated infections the other because he developed acute paraphomosis.

    Bare in mind the low levels of uncircumcised males
    must of course be due too WWII, process of circumcising most if not all uncircumcised army men.

    So as a 53 year old mother of 4, who has witnessed over 1500 circumcisions, and her son’s. And the seen the consequences of having an uncircumcised penis. I think the anti-circumcision fanatics need to just accept the fact its the parents choice. And be glad they get to make the choice not to circumcise their boys.

    Thank you Maria Rommel.

  27. Just a quick question, if I may.

    Did I hear you right? You argue in favor of circumcising healthy infant males, because the standard of care for elderly males that are incapable of performing personal hygiene for themselves will result in health issues that require circumcision? That seems a rather fanatic point of view, doesn’t it? Instead of waiting out any problem for what, six, seven, eight decades, make a decision for boys that may never require that kind of care?

    As far as ‘anti-circumcision fanatics’ getting to make the choice not to circumcise their boys, that’s a rather recent development, isn’t it?

  28. Either way, it still doesn’t make me want to use The SmartKlamp.

    Now I wish I’d never been circumcised just to piss off folks like Maria here when I’m old and incapable of taking care of myself.

  29. I can’t believe I didn’t notice this thread before, and I can’t believe the juiciest word in the Yiddish language hasn’t been mentioned: smegma.

    GM, thanks- now I know why Brock is, well, the way he is, and I have an excuse (postnatal trauma) for anything I do, up to and including the mocking of irreducible complexity… LOL

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