GOP National Press Exclusive 7-4-04 9:20AM
Vice President Dick Cheney gleefully dropped a bombshell yesterday while on his tour through the battleground states of Ohio, West Virginia and Pennsylvania. What was Cheney unhesitatingly anxious to reveal on his two-day tour? Hobbling out of his red white and blue bus, Cheney astounded the specially selected reporters with the announcement that he plans to drop George W. Bush and has chosen Pat Buchanan as his Vice Presidential running mate.
“The time has come to change the chemistry of the GOP ticket.” Cheney, perhaps unaware that Bush had abandoned his re-election bid weeks earlier in order to someday become a rodeo clown, slowly began, then quickly warmed to his informational task. “I’ve spent four exhausting years trying to make sure that George was always ready to appear to be governing this country. I couldn’t be everywhere at every moment, and so there were embarrassing events I would prefer to forget. But I can’t baby-sit for four more, and since I’ve secretly been running the country all along, it’s only right that I come clean with the voters. It’s only right that I call for a great and glorious butt-washing. I’m kicking that pathetic excuse for President of the greatest nation on earth to the curb.”
Refusing to answer pointed questions until, as he put it, “I’ve informed the constituents I came here to speak to”, he arthritically made his way back to the bus and on his way to several gatherings calculated and scheduled to make him seem more important.
Cheney‘s first stop: The sprawling banquet hall of White Arians for National Racial Purity in Parma, Ohio, where hundreds of thousands of faithful skinheads bellowed cheers for the new Republican ticket and participated in raucous booing and chair smashing at the mere mention of Bush.
“This is the good part of the speech.” Intimated Cheney, already white-hooded for a ceremony and photo op scheduled to take place immediately after, while grinning maniacally. Then he launched into a scathing critique of Bush’s economic policies.
“His big idea for cheering up the country and allowing us to become financially sound again after 9/11? – Have a nation-wide barbeque, bake sale and meet-n-greet,” Cheney declared. “I encouraged him to go to war with Iraq. It has long been known that economies always improve during times of war, but Bush failed to factor in the great apathy and fear apparent in the populace after 9/11. So I convinced him to tell the world that Iraq aided Al Qaeda in the 9/11 attacks. ‘Get America’s back up!‘, I insisted. And what does he do? He convenes a bi-partisan 9/11 commission which ultimately embarrasses us by stating there was no connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda.” Then Cheney fumed and beat his fists on the podium for emphasis. “I suppose there is no connection between Iraq and MADD either, but I wouldn’t have a couple of drinks and drive where Iraq could see me, were I any one of you!”
For the two-day tour, the Vice President brought along his wife, Lynne, daughter Mary and 10-year-old granddaughter Kate. Dick, Mrs. Cheney and 10-year-old Kate, along with various Cheney staffers, visited a tattoo parlor in Canton, Ohio, where they each enthusiastically received permanent patriotic tattoos for the July Fourth occasion. Mrs. Cheney said her three tattoos, one on each upper arm and one in an “unmentionable and tender” area, are her first tattoos ever, and that both Dick and Kate assured her the inking wouldn’t hurt too much.
Cheney once again managed without assistance to exit his bus in Lisbon, Ohio, population near 3,050, for a protracted visit to The Erotic Psychotic adult bookstore. He was reportedly ushered into darkened back rooms where waist high grapefruit-sized holes had been cut through walls between rooms to facilitate conversations and to help ensure security. He held several private meetings through some of the holes, caught up on some reading and “saw some excellent though over-priced movies before I ran out of quarters” then reluctantly made his way to a factory in Lisbon where The Clapper is manufactured. “You have no idea how you have simplified my life with your amazing cutting edge ‘clap on, clap off’ technology”, he told a clap-weary but vocally excited group of quality control workers there. Cheney, apparently confused over the true name of the product, went on to say “This would be a much more accommodating world if everyone had it, and I only wish I could give The Clap to everyone.”
Cheney will be back in Washington on Monday, where he plans to hold a formal press conference to lay out his presidential election strategy and to officially reveal his new campaign slogans: “YOU KNOW YOU LIKE DICK!” and “THIS DICK WON’T BE LICKED!”
Vice President Dick Cheney greets other patrons of The Erotic Psychotic adult bookstore in Lisbon, Ohio, Saturday, July 3, 2004. (AP Photo/Charles P. Saus)
Mrs. Dick Cheney waits nervously but bravely for her tattoo sessions to begin.
Fabra Fricker plays the piano to alleviate tension in anticipation of a romantic tryst with the Vice President, who was scheduled to meet her at her church Saturday evening – It would have been the greatest thing to ever happen to her but he failed to show.
Eunice Parmenter poses with her 9 children and one monkey. She says Vice President Cheney, during previous visits to Canton, was the cause of six of them. “I don’t care if he is visiting again”, she huffs then commences with a flurry of wet, retching coughs. “I’m staying far and away from that over-sexed lothario from now on!”