Bush Abandons Re-Election Bid - Cites Darn Good Reasons

WASHINGTON (ALSP) 2:02 PM

President Bush, speaking from the Rose Garden today, announced he is abandoning his run for re-election. When a fusillade of questions immediately followed, he said he wasn’t thinking smart when he decided to run again. The news, coming less than eleven weeks before the August 30 start of the Republican National Convention, has stunned many, especially Vice President Dick Cheney. Support for Bush has been steadily declining over the last several months as more and more leaders question his administration’s motives for going to war with Iraq. Intense searches for WMD have yet to be successful, despite several discoveries that initially appeared to suggest recent Iraqi weapons programs then eventually were proved irrelevant. Additionally, the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuses and documents suggesting the tortures were approved by the Justice Department and the Department of Defense, have raised legitimate doubts that challenge moral veracities of coalition forces and their leaders.

Reasons Bush gives for his departure of the race officially include doubts that he can raise enough funds to totally control the airwaves, fear of receiving fewer votes than Ralph Nader, recent pushes by bipartisan members of Congress to implement better oversight procedures of Administration policies and directives, and Bush’s stated fear that – like father, like son – he will be nationally disgraced once the votes are tallied.

Bush, in an interview following the announcement, said. “I have no doubts, given the level of incompetence I’ve reached, that if I stayed in this election I would experience a shame-inducing repeat of my father‘s fate. There’s an old saying in Peoria – I heard it in Texas, I think…that says ‘Fool me once…Shame on…Shame on you…Fool me, you can’t get fooled again’.  I fooled America once and I doubt I can do it again. I have no idea how I managed it the first time.”

Vice President Cheney, who some say is the puppet’s master, suggests that maybe Bush’s decision came about because he took something (Cheney said) out of context.

“We were discussing recent embarrassments in an endless butt load of them and I admitted my fears to the President. I said: ‘George, it’s not going to be as easy of a race as we thought. You may have to work for your re-election.’ He looked at me and appeared to be contemplating my words and then he just sighed and said ‘Et tu, Brute?’ I assumed he was choking on a pretzel again and grabbed him to administer the Heimlich Maneuver, but he slipped out of my grasp and gave me a look I’ve never seen on his face before. I believe he thought I was trying to murder him!”

Condaleeza Rice is confused over his decision too and had harsh words for her boss. “Why, that slope-ee headed cracka. He tole me I would be his National Security Adviser again. He teld me he was going to do away with popular elections and that I would always have this job. He a lie-ya, and I got me no job security.”

Bush, showing no remorse for his decision, spoke at length of future plans. “I’m pretty sure I get to keep the money we’ve raised for re-election efforts and I can afford to take lots of time off just like I do now as President. I won’t be as idle then though. I’ve got dreams I’ve never tried to make come true and will pursue them. For one, I’ve always wanted to be a rodeo clown. Since I was a little boy this was what I wanted. My mother would always say to me, ’Jo Jo Binky Boo, you can grow up to be anything you want to be – even a rodeo clown!’ and I would always holler back at her ’What? I can’t hear you! I lost all the hearing in my right ear when that mean old bull speared me in the head.’ We would laugh and she would usually commence to set me on her knee and tell me ‘Just remember that no matter what you are in life, Stinky Jesus loves you.’ Now that I’m of the Born Again elite, I know he does. How could he not love me? I’m fabulous”

He adds:  “I won’t be out of touch with the public like I was as President either. I’m going to have a blog and people can follow my life as closely as they like. I’ve already got a site address; It’s Dubya Dubya Dubya Dot Bush Tha Clown Dot Porn.”

 

25 thoughts on “Bush Abandons Re-Election Bid - Cites Darn Good Reasons

  1. You had my hopes up until I read the the first Bush quote. It starts with a complex sentence.

  2. I was so excited when I read the title of the entry. You have no idea how happy I was to see that. Damn you for getting my hopes up.

  3. I too, am greatly disappointed to find out it was farce. Damn you Brock! Damn you to hell!  shut eye

  4. Ah!!! The pain! How dare you begin a post like that!  I thought ‘man! this is great! but god who’ll get the vote now?’ and I go on my merry way leaving that tab open to finish reading some sites in the other 20 tabs.  Two hours I come back and read only to find a farse! You, sir, are an evil man…. cool grin
    This post brought to you by the word: lay

  5. I thought it was great up until the insulting black stereotype for Rice. I’m sure you can make her sound ignorant enough just using her own words. You don’t have to stoop to Amos ‘n’ Andy level.

    Other than that, ‘twas purty good. Yo. ;p

  6. Good one, Brock. I look forward to the next April Fools Day with you around. I agree the Rice bit was a bit much, but sometimes comedy isn’t pretty. The Bush-ism was spot on, though, and sometimes the only way to know where the line is is to cross it.

    captcha = word

  7. Made me look! smile I had to go off and check Yahoo and CNN to make sure.

    Ah well, as was said above, we can only hope…

  8. I had second and third thoughts about the Condaleeza Rice part and then I thought how many times I’ve made fun of Bush’s ways of speaking and no one would accuse me of making fun of morons (though he has poor communication and social skills and is in need of education). If I had any respect for her I wouldn’t have depicted her so, but lets face it, she’s a liar, a thief and a racist herself. My treatment of her wasn’t meant as anti-black, but a way of saying she’s a self-centered badly educated asshole. Still, I was concerned that what I said would be seen as off-color (though it really wasn’t race-specific). I would make fun of her no matter what race she is. I actually expected more of a backlash from the “Stinky Jesus” remark, and still do expect some.

    But I also don’t know why you guys are mad at me for saying Bush is exiting the race, when he really is!

  9. But I also don’t know why you guys are mad at me for saying Bush is exiting the race, when he really is!

    Brock, you need to get your post onto the Drudge Report tomorrow evening. It will be the script of the day Monday on conservative talk radio and in the mainstream media on Tuesday.

    catchca = hell Really.

  10. My treatment of her wasn’t meant as anti-black, but a way of saying she’s a self-centered badly educated asshole.

    I thought the Rice part was funny, reminded me of like Herbert Kornfield on The Onion (except the joke with him is that he’s a pencil-necked dorky white-boy in the accounts recievable department of some corporation).  And couldn’t care less about being politically correct. 

    But I am puzzled by your saying she’s ‘badly educated’.  Self-centered; yes, asshole; yes, liar and racist; probably but given her stellar academic qualifications, I’m curious what you meant.

  11. I have to admit that I was speaking more in terms of her “life” education, decrepit. I’ve always heard that you can have plenty of “book smarts” and still manage be dumb as most rocks are when it comes to practical education.

    By now I run the risk of seeming to be unwilling to admit when I made mistakes. It wasn’t a great post by any means, and I understand the responses (they were justifiable), but satire isn’t easy folks, at least not for me. If it were, I’d be making a comfy living from it.

    Still, I appreciate any and all remarks, no matter how critical they may be. Seriously!

  12. …It wasn’t a great post by any means … satire isn’t easy, folks …

    NO need to apologize – keep ‘em coming.  I laughed my ass off, and sent links to it to a couple of my conservative friends.  But they’re used to getting links like that from me. Occasionally they gripe about them at the office the next day, but I notice they still read them.

    Captcha: “mean”

  13. …..!!! Dangit!

    A small tiny portion harbored the hope that it wasn’t a load of garbage.

    Captcha: army

    (I’m waiting for enough captchas to be listed in one post’s replies that I can make some really strange frightening Mad Libs out of them. The things with which I amuse myself…)

  14. Dave M, once a month Les collects all the Captcha words that have been assigned, prints them onto sheets of paper, cuts them into single entries, then puts them in a hopper and pulls out a winner, whom he then awards $1000.00 dollars. I’ve won twice already!(You didn’t think I come here for the “slap togethers”, did you?)

    That’s why Ben put so much effort into getting his posts to register. People mention their words so they have proof the words were originally theirs.

    Your next submission word could be a winner! But you can’t win unless you “say”.

    My submission word this time: “able”. I’ve got a good feeling about this one!

  15. Hmmm…  Brock is being a naughty little bastard this weekend.  First G.W. gone and now this?  ‘Here kitty, kitty…thwack!’  Thanks Brock.

    captcha: salvation

  16. Yeah, but I see you’re still registering your word, eh deadscott? Seriously, I hope yours gets pulled and if you didn’t catch how much Les gives away each month, I don’t understand why. After all, I said ($)1000.00 and (dollars), so it should be very clear. Again, that’s one thousand one thousand dollars you could win, and good luck.

    PS Did you really get the word “salvation”? Really? You gotta be kidding me!

    eight

  17. Plus, I gave your name two t’s. You must now spell it that way, of course, or I’ll look even more stupid.

  18. Wow! First of all I had a dizzy spell just thinking hard about no Bush to hear about anymore.  Then I passed out on the floor when I learned that Les had $1000.00 to give away each month!

    Seriously Brock that is a great post.  Don’t apologize for anything , just keep them coming.  You are now my hero, my knight in shining what ever that stuff is!!!

    my word is has (as in has been)

  19. Thanks Momma. I apologize for shocking you, and you seem far from a has-been, so drop that shyte!

    As for my joke about a drawing from the Captcha words, I’m thinking now that it might not be so much of a joke. It might really work. More soon!

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