So have you seen Van Helsing yet? No? Good. You’re better off. In all honesty I haven’t seen it either so I’m not expressing an informed opinion here, but I’ve had enough people tell me that they’d highly recommend I spend $17 on a ball-peen hammer and spend two hours smacking myself in the head with it rather than go see this movie because the self-abuse would be less painful and more entertaining that I’m willing to take their word on this one.
Poor Cleolinda made the mistake of going to see this craptastic movie and it’s clear that it has left her permanently brain damaged. To save you the pain and horror of witnessing the film yourself she’s helpfully performed a public service by providing us with Van Helsing in Fifteen Minutes:
VELKAN: Hey, Anna, why don’t we give the whole gang guns with silver bullets?
ANNA: Oh, I’m sure we’ll only need yours. You know, just the one. Have you checked the rope for knots?
VELKAN: Nah, but I’m sure it’s fine.
ANNA: You sure you want to be the bait? I mean, you are the last surviving son of our family and all.
VELKAN: Nah, I’m good.
ANNA: You sure? I mean, I’m sure we’ve got a spare gypsy dude around here—
SPARE GYPSY DUDE: HEY!
VELKAN: Nah, man, I’m good. I got ballet skills. No worries.
Everything goes horribly, predictably wrong. Velkan and the werewolf tumble off a cliff.
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
After all the fuss in the past couple of days I was definitely ready for a few good belly laughs and I’m sure I’ve alarmed several coworkers after reading the above here in my cube. It’s way more entertaining than the movie itself could ever hope to be and it takes less time to boot. Go check it out.
Found via my personal hero, Brent.