Lessons in Made-For-TV Suckiness!

I didn’t watch much of NBC’s big two-part miniseries 10.5 in part because it had already received such a bad drubbing by the science community, but I did check in to see some of the big earthquake scenes with the naive idea that at least I’d avoid most of the suckiness that way.

I was wrong.

Did you know that earthquakes will make chasms that will chase a train down the tracks until it swallows the train and then the chasm will stop growing? I didn’t. Did you know that a man on a bicycle is capable of outrunning the collapse of a major national landmark that’s over 605 feet tall starting from its base during an 8.0 quake without so much as getting dust all over himself? Did you know that people are not only able to remain on their feet during a 10.5 earthquake, but are able to run around and escape a widening chasm that’s rapidly filling with seawater without being thrown from their feet? Or that that seawater will amazingly not exhibit normal fluid dynamics and swell over the remaining 3 or 4 inches between the surface of the water and the edge of the chasms flooding the land immediately around the chasm?  I didn’t. Did you know that the bad effects of just about any major natural disaster can be minimized through the careful application of well-placed nuclear bombs?

I’m beginning to think that last one’s true after all the movies being made were this ends up being the solution they come up with. Damn good thing we’ve got all these nuclear warheads sitting around doing nothing in particular. And here you thought nothing good would come from the nuclear arms race. The whole reason California and other states can’t bring those wild fires they have every year under control is because they’re not using nuclear warheads on them. Drought? Bomb that rain out of the sky! Hell, I bet there’s not a single major natural disaster that can’t be rectified through good old fashioned blowing the living shit out of it with a nuclear device of some kind.

Say, what’s that sound? Sounds like a giant vacuum trying to suck all my remaining brains cells out of my head from just the tiny bit of exposure I had to NBC’s 10.5 last night. I can’t imagine what it did to all those people who watched the whole damned thing.

9 thoughts on “Lessons in Made-For-TV Suckiness!

  1. I particularly enjoyed the way the chasm at the end looked not very wide - then when it stopped expanding, it was probably a good mile or two wide (all those people ran over a mile in a couple of minutes?  call the Olympics!) - and then when it pulled back to a space-based view, the chasm was easily 30-40 miles across.  Continuity is king!

  2. It was the suckiest thing that ever sucked. It was like that cinematic crapheap Armageddon brought to earth and de-budgeted. Gads, it even had a big star (well, ok, a faded star) sacrificing himself to manually set off one of the savior nukes. And, of course, on some of the sort of general-population boards, people are vomiting forth along the lines of “OMG it was so real i’ll never live in California!”

    One of my cow-irkers popped a good quote last week - “the total amount of intelligence is fixed, and the population is expanding.”

    Arrgh.

    did

  3. 2 comments:

    “Arizona Fuckin’ Bay” - Bill Hicks

    I might stick to that old tape of Earthquake, then.
    Walter Matthau in a flowery shirt, wow man!

  4. And, of course, on some of the sort of general-population boards, people are vomiting forth along the lines of “OMG it was so real i’ll never live in California!”

    Oh good!  I can only hope that lots of those kind of pantywaists that are already here will get the fuck out too… and we’ll get some relief from the traffic!

    I never watch those kinds of movies because of their supreme suckiness.  And damned near everything that airs on the networks these days is a “10.5” on a scale of 1-10 in suckiness.

  5. It sounds like one of those movies that should only be watched with the following all-important accessories:

    * medium to hard liquor
    * several types of noshies
    * one to three other good friends who are good amateur MST-iers.

    Either that, or turn Mr. Sinus Theater loose on this celluloid slopfest.

  6. I liked the scene where the Barstow camp was suddenly at sea level. Barstow is about 2,500 feet above. Noting the 10.5 earthquake, a ride like that would be greater.

    Here’s to nuclear power!

  7. I watched it for the few outdoor scenes that were filmed in Redding, CA.  Plus, I was really hoping that Redding would get sucked up by a sinkhole.  Everyone there has always said it’s the Gateway to Hell with it’s 120 degree heat.

  8. I didn’t watch 10.5.  I live here, and know enough about earthquakes to know (even from the show trailers) that it was pure rubbish.

    Now, if only someone had warned me about “The Net”, or even “Independence Day”.  Sucks to be a programmer / have a brain and see what comes out of Hollywood in that genre

    D

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